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Maxine Winterwolf

Problems in a Partnership?

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Hi all i am new to the forums but i'm an avid reader and enjoy reading the topics and seeing the advice  that everyone gives . I have wanted to say hi for a while but shyness stopped me but i am really needing advice so have decided to take the plunge and start a topic.

Its about a partnership that a friend of mine has , She has been in a partnership for 3 months now in SL but it's been a rather shaky one . I will try to keep this brief, they partnererd after a couple of weeks of knowing one another and  generaly seem to be good together, however he has a busy job in real lif so is not here on a consistant basis sometimes a couple  of days a week for a couple of hours at a time which she is fine about and respects that but after partnering she recieved a private message  from someone calling herself his ex and naming a few other avatar names that are apprantly his and are also partnererd, of course she started a problem and my friend and her partner split  she confronted him but he basically denied all of  it and gave an explanation that it was not him but friends who used his computer in the past and said this woman  was a stalker, so she gave him the benefit of the doubt as she really does care for him and they got back together after some time apart.  But suddenly his once or twice a week log in is not happening he used to send her a message if he couldnt get here but she has not seen him for 3 weeks now, and the last message he sent her was  2 weeks ago telling her he loves her and misses her but he is  busy with work . She has asked my advice and i really just dont know what to advise , i cannot believe she has been so patient with him for this long anyway, i dont want to give her wrong advice either but she is at a loss of what to do, she loves him but i dont want her to get hurt , really i just want to say  to her to walk away but she  is holding out thinking that perhaps  maybe he really is busy and cant get online , but surley if he cared for her as much as he said he did he could log on an leave a message  for her ..i really feel he is not being honest with her at all and i have told her that, I would really appreciate your opinions and advice on this matter .

Maxi

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Welcome to the forums Maxine, don`t be shy, we are nice (sometimes hehe). 54.gif

SL is an escape, its meant to be fun, is she having fun??

We don`t REALLY know anyone in SL & unless she was planning on some RL romance with this person, drop him, move on, find someone less complicated that is actually in SL for her to have fun with.

That might sound harsh, but seriously why login in to SL just to get drama & stress...We have RL`s for that lol LMAO.gif

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I wouldn't normally comment on such a personal issue, but it sounds like your friend is getting played. She definately needs to sever all ties with this man, as he is taking advantage of her niceness. I'm sorry if this is cruel advice for her.

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Hello Maxime. Real life always has the priority, i accept it. On the other side usually it is a good excuse when we want to avoid someone or when we lose our interest for something or someone. It is possible for him to be really busy in real life but it isn't sure. Difficult to believe that he hasn't neighter some minutes some days every week to log in and let whether a message to your friend. I bet your friend has better things to do than to suffer waiting someone who maybe will return never, or after a long time or when he remembers that he has an account in SL. Tell her friend that for the women, men are like trains. The train departs and disappears but the next one already "winks" and "waves" at the corner.

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Welcome to the forum, Maxine.

I've gone through eerily similar things with people in SL and can tell you from experience, it's not a nice place to be. I try to take people at there word... if they say they're busy in RL I think okay, I love this person, I can deal with it.

Meanwhile, they could be off on an alt messing around, getting partnered to other people (which I found out not much later was actually the case) while I'm left missing them and feeling lonely. It's happened to me more than once and I've put up with it for far too long in each case... how easy it is sometimes for me to play the martyr.

It's hard to look at things objectively when you're in the middle of something like this. Sometimes you want something so badly that it overrules your own good judgement. Intuition can easily be ignored and the obvious can be obscured by your emotions.

Your friend probably already knows there's something wrong; only they can make the determination as to whether it's worth it to them to keep trying or bow out gracefully. Sometimes getting a little distance from the situation helps.

Taking a break from SL might do your friend a lot of good. That way they can clear their head and see things for what they really are instead of what they want them to be.

All you can do is give them the support they need without letting it effect your own happiness in SL. Let them make up their own mind. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to trudge through the darkness to get there.

I hope this helps in some way, and I wish the best for you and your friend.

...Dres

 

 

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Tell your friend to go to her dashboard, pay the 25L to desolve the partnership. That'll get the fools attention and will show him that she is strong and isn't going to play his game or take his crap.

Defriend him and move on. She is better off without the drama and it'll only hurt for awhile.

Hugs,

I've been there.

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I have seen some cases where friends of mine lost their internet for a week, and when they came back, they saw that their partner had broken up with them. Way harsh, in my opinion.

I have also had other friends who left SL for several weeks, because they wanted a break from the relationship and used RL circumstances to hide behind the fact that they could not contact their partner in SL. Of course, when they came back to SL, the partnership was dissolved. And rightfully so.

In this case, I would probably suggest she break off the partnership with the guy, and just leave a message or notecard explaining her feelings. That way if the guy really is legit, this won't mess up the relationship that they have. If his intentions were not good, he will be all too happy but to move on (win-win for everyone).

Why be partnered where there is no partner involved, nor a good explanation as to why they can't be on SL?

 

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It makes sense to me that when a couple starts a  partnership in SL that they establish ground rules, such as if one or the other disappears for a week the other should dissolve the partnership.  If the person comes back and they want to reunite, nothing is stopping them from reuiniting with no hard feelings. And it doesn't mean that they can't continue to be good friends.

I've seen far too many of my own SLfriends hold on to the notion that the missing partner will return and they pine away, believing the  that the partner is returning and only  RL issues are keeping their partner away.  To everyone else it was clear the missing partner had departed into an alt  or  got bored with SL.  These things always end bitterly.  In one case a friend held out for over a year.  FINALLY  the guy returned and broke up with her.  I think he liked and respected her but just wanted to be able to move on without hurting her feelings and wanted her to break up with HIM.  She took the "game" of partnering much too seriously. (and she is married in RL with kids, I might add, as are all the other friends who I've known who have hung in waiting for the SL guy to return).

If a person wants to be online in SL they will be there, plain and simple.  It takes nothing to log in for a minute or two and send a quick message.  Short of, for example,  his living in the US in a tornado zone, there's probably few excuses and rationalizations that make sense.

I would suggest your friend look to the positive and see it as a compliment that her  partner thought well enough to not want to hurt her feelings.  He, perhaps,is hoping she will give up, break off with him, and be left with her dignity.  (OR he's chickens*it and dreads a breakup and confrontation. )  Despite peoples horror at SL being described as a game, for many, many people it is just that.  And if the game gets repetitive, or folks want to play another they will find a way to move on or leave.  The partnership thing makes it complicated and not fun for the person who wants to put the game away and go on to something else.

Your friend  probably won't listen, no one seems to, but as a friend I'd advise her to stop rationalizing and move on.

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Thankyou for the wonderful advice that you have all given, its very much appreciated , , i have shown her this thread and she has asked me to pass on a big thankyou, in her own words " I guess i was seeing things through rose tinted glasses and have taken the advice on board "

 

Your kind words mean a lot , im glad i posted :)

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Sorry, but how can he care for her? How can they love one another? You say they partnered after chatting for a couple of weeks. I'm guessing this happened fairly recently.

Might I suggest that more or less what would work in RL would also be appropriate here. If a RL friend tells you she met a guy two weeks before and that not only do they love one another, they're actually already engaged or married BUTshe has issues with him which basically boil down to her not trusting him. Would you not point out that they don't actually know one another and that maybe they should first get to know one another a bit better before deciding if she trusts him enough to get involved?

I don't know. Sometimes I think that SL robs us of some of our brain-cells and situations which in RL would make you raise an eyebrow in disbelief, are considered worthy of serious discussion in here.....

 

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Hi Maxine.   Welcome to the forums.  : )

To me, it clearly sounds like your friend does not actually "know" this other person.  I hesitate to say, "man", because if your friend does not actually know who this is in RL...then it might not even be an actual "man". 

Has this man shared any of the following information with your friend?

RL name?

RL place of employment?

RL or other contact information besides SL?   (such as regular email, etc)

Relationship guidelines or expectations?  

Has your friend, and this man, actually spoken to one another?  I don't mean text chat, but actual voices/phone etc?  

If not, then your friend does not actually know this other person.   Your friend just knows an "avatar" in SL...but not the person behind the avatar.

What I recommend is that your friend not be quite so "easy".   By this I mean, she needs to be more discerning, and not just jump into a "partnership" with what is basically a random stranger.  

 

 

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Maxine Winterwolf wrote:

Hi all i am new to the forums but i'm an avid reader and enjoy reading the topics and seeing the advice  that everyone gives . I have wanted to say hi for a while but shyness stopped me but i am really needing advice so have decided to take the plunge and start a topic.

Its about a partnership that a friend of mine has , She has been in a partnership for 3 months now in SL but it's been a rather shaky one . I will try to keep this brief, they partnererd
after a couple of weeks of knowing one another

 

Hi, welcome to the Forums. I don't have anything to add that has not been said, but at least for me that bolded part is the key. I just don't see how one can expect to know anything at all about someone else in two weeks. It is certainly enough time to think, "I really want to try to have a relationship with this person"—sometimes that can happen in two minutes, I've heard—but not much more than that.

Of course that doesn't help for this case but it may in your friend's future. Good luck to you and to her.

 ETA I don't know why the font biffed; I suspect it had to do with my attempt to italicize one word in my reply. in any case the text below the line is mine, above it is Maxi's.

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the MUTE button in the viewer and the DEL button on my keyboard are my 2 favorite weapons  .... (just giving advice!!) :matte-motes-evil-invert: *meows*

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Hi there Maxine. I have to say I'm a bit new to second life forums although I've been in SL for about 4 or 5 years now. But anyhoo, your post caught my attention as I was browsing through and getting acquainted with things.

I agree with one of the previous posters. You mentioned that they had only been hanging out for a few weeks before they got partnered and that seems to be rushed and premature imo. If a friend told me something like this I would be shocked and wondering what kind of drugs she had been taking to think that there wouldn't be problems. I think second life doesn't just rob us of brain cells but of our sense of time and reality. Many might agree with me that sometimes a month seems like a year at times but that is unfortunately not the case when it comes to RL. This is even worse because second life makes it so much easier to be anonymous and hide so many truths. That person could very well be a stalker but I've seen so many situations where they were players and that other woman was telling the truth. Now sometimes I think that the way a person approaches that type of situation gives away a lot of details alone but that's another story altogether. I think the best thing for your friend to do is to send a letter (notecard) detailing her feelings on the subject and dissolve the relationship until they have more of a solid foundation to build any type of relationship on.

Good luck to your friend

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I think your friend has been amazingly patient with this guy, right from the get-go.  I know everyone's different and we all have different expectations of a partnership and what we require from it, but seeing someone for a couple of hours once a week would not be my idea of a partnership.   I don't think it's even fair to partner someone under those terms.  Plus, if she hasn't so much as heard from him in 2 weeks, i'd be inclined to say, "Partnership?  What partnership?"

I wonder why some people bother to get partnered at all. 

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Take all of this with a grain of salt since I don't know them, and this is all based upon your paragraph of information. (Your name sounds familiar though ;) )

"they partnererd after a couple of weeks of knowing one another "  

First mistake. 

"he has a busy job in real lif so is not here on a consistant basis sometimes a couple  of days a week for a couple of hours at a time"

He's married.

"gave an explanation that it was not him but friends who used his computer in the past"

And a liar.

"But suddenly his once or twice a week log in is not happening"

She busted him, destroying his pimp fantasy, so he's already on to the next five victims. Er, partners.

"i really feel he is not being honest with her at all"

He isn't.

All you can really do is hope she sees the light and learns from it.

 

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I think it's inappropriate to discuss someone else relationship in SL on a forum. It's no one's business but theirs. If they wanted to talk about it, fine, but this equates to gossiping.

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Faye Feldragonne wrote:

I think it's inappropriate to discuss someone else relationship in SL on a forum. It's no one's business but theirs. If they wanted to talk about it, fine, but this equates to gossiping.

She's probably talking about herself. My advice is to dissolved the partnership as has been advised and engage in massively wild SL breakup sex. Don't worry even if some of the avatars aren't human in appearance. Be an equal opportunity lover and disriminate against no one. Let me know if you need some landmarks. Quality has its time and place and this is not it. This is to remind yourself that this is a virtual world, none of it is real, and it is completely absurd. So go be absurd to the point that any veil of reality is torn away. You have only your illusions to lose.

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Randall Ahren wrote:


Faye Feldragonne wrote:

I think it's inappropriate to discuss someone else relationship in SL on a forum. It's no one's business but theirs. If they wanted to talk about it, fine, but this equates to gossiping.

She's probably talking about herself. My advice is to dissolved the partnership as has been advised and engage in massively wild SL breakup sex. Don't worry even if some of the avatars aren't human in appearance. Be an equal opportunity lover and disriminate against no one. Let me know if you need some landmarks. Quality has its time and place and this is not it. This is to remind yourself that this is a virtual world, none of it is real, and it is completely absurd. So go be absurd to the point that any veil of reality is torn away. You have only your illusions to lose.

clap.gif

...Dres

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Well i would like to say, a very big thank you to everyone that responded to the posts on this matter,just to let everyone know,she did indeed dump his a** and is now single and much happier,so now we can go on our sl pub crawls again,and pick up lots of pixelmen,for lots of kinky pixel smex,soooo thank for all your kind replys,and of course the not so kind ones were fun to read,but its all about fun right?

 

much smoochies and hugs Maxi, xx  :matte-motes-kiss:

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Glad to hear it all worked.  And tell her to live her RL.  This is no dress rehersal for life; this is it.  Get her to date outside of SL, too, and enjoy life.

I just  had to reply to you because I love that song Maxine by Donald **bleep**an of Steely Dan fame.  I need to request that song Maxine on SL.  I love it! 

Best wishes for a continued great SL and RL. 

eta:  Why are they blocking out Donald's last name.  It's not a curse word.  huh?  wha? Wazz up with that? 

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Anyhow, that song Maxine by Donald Bleep... I love that song so much!  It's bloody brilliant. 

ETA:  The song Maxine by Donald Bleep is from The Nightfly, one of the most critically acclaimed recordings of all time.  I love that CD so much.  (this bleeping of his last name is very sad to me.)

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