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How to keep a SL love relationship/partnership fresh, interesting and lively. Your suggestions?


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For me it’s being lied to by activities in SL.  That happened a few times with others I have been with.  My SL wife now is open and honest about everything.   As for keeping it lively there is always something happening in SL if you look and search.  Even going to SL restaurants or bars in SL.  Learn a bit of roleplaying and have dinner somewhere or perhaps doing shots.  

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3 hours ago, Doc Carling said:

Or asked differently what's a relatationship killer for you? Cheating? Lies? Bad sex?

Yup, cheating is definitely a killer. If you want more than one person to fool around with, be upfront about it. Your (prospective?) partner may be more open minded than you may think. However, if you hide your escapades you are lying and cheating and that is a definite death blow for a relationship.

Another killer is a breakup followed by a making up. The break is still there and can never be mended. Best case scenario you learn to dance around the fracture, but it will always be there, A breakup changes the whole relationship and kills the intimacy one may feel for the other which then has to be rebuilt, but it will never be the same.

Another killer CAN be finding out what the other person looks like in RL but this entirely depends on the person, and how they regard SL and the avies in it. If someone regards an avatar as the representation of how someone feels they are/look like inside (example: a heavy person may have a lithe avie because they feel that's the person they are inside) then the risk of ruining things by revealing their RL look is minimal. If someone is looking for a date in the hopes that this could extend to RL, then the risk of damaging or ruining the relationship does become greater.

Now, as for how to keep a relationship fresh, interesting and lively... That is a harder question to answer because that is so personal. Personally I would like to have someone with whom I can share my musical tastes, someone who is just as comfortable just cuddling on my couch in silence as they are with having long conversations about random topics. Someone who trusts me, and I trust them. Someone who makes me feel they WANT to be with me at least as much as I want to be with them. Someone who I can fight with and the next moment the whole fight is forgotten.
I am not actually looking for anyone in SL right now, I am in a weird kind of a transitional period which I find rather confusing. But if one day I would be open to getting into a relationship again, then that is the kind of person (M/F) I would hope I would meet because I can foresee a future with them. At the very least in SL.

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   Cheating would definitely kill a relationship immediately. Bad sex I can be more patient with, for as long as they keep an open mind - but if they aren't at all kinky, or have no imagination whatsoever, chances are we simply won't be sexually compatible, and we'd be better off just being friends. Lies are a bit grey, and how much a lie will hurt a relationship depends on the nature of the lie itself - but any lie is liable to discovery, which may impact your trust in your partner.

   As for keeping things fresh and interesting, a very important aspect is to allow time off from each other. If you spend every waking hour with someone for days, weeks, or even months, you'll eventually find yourself out of things to talk about. If you do share interests, whether within SL or elsewhere, that can also be a great way to enjoy each others' company - I've brought friends and partners from SL into other video games to play together, and I've watched films and documentaries via Netflix Party and Rabbit (R.I.P.) with them - and I've gone sailing, driving, board gaming, exploring, etc. with them as well. I once had a film night with some SL friends and family, it was really fun even if the movie was rather terrible (that new Mummy film ..) - we ended up mostly bashing it in chat whilst watching it.

   It's also generally a good idea to hang out with your partner with friends, both yours and theirs, or meeting new people together. It allows for even more input, and doesn't put the pressure of keeping a conversation going on just the two of you. To me though, it pays if someone I'm with is patient and doesn't immediately freak out if I don't speak constantly - being able to enjoy each other's company in silence is important. I'm rarely giving SL 100% of my attention for more than a few moments at a time, I'll go check the MP, browse the forums, maybe watch some YouTube or read some articles whether news or just browsing the daily Wikipedia headlines - my partner doesn't 'have to' be there next to my avi in SL whilst I do, but I do enjoy it when they are - if they too are browsing something themselves, of course; I won't get mad if they want to go shopping at an in-world store or go see some friends instead. 

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In my humble opinion, that could depend on the nature of the  relationship. When one person is more independent and less clingy than the other...that could be a problem. I haven't been in a relationship for more than 10 years, but I remember how it felt being required to spend my time mainly with one person when there was so much to explore, build, meet...I felt caged and sometimes did not feel like logging in....so that's that...

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Depends for me I don't like it when people like to me and make up excuses not to be around me. I've had a few past partners recently just ghosted me to the point I never spoke to them for a month and each time I contacted them it was no answer with AFK or just ignoring my messages. I'm poly so I have other partners but I try my best to keep everything fresh and smooth by doing things with my partners with going to places to find somewhere to hangout or even just go clubbing and chill. I like communication and being able to stay in contact as much as possible even if its something off of SL like Discord as an example. If someone doesn't take the time to respond to messages or just ignores me for weeks on end its a relationship killer for me. I do allow my partners to do as they like but spend equal time with me as much as possible they can. I get some people leave themselves online like away or busy due to real life but when its on weeks at a time its a bummer and makes me feel like the relationship / friendship isn't worth my time. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Matching efforts is super important to me.  So many people just want to give the minimal amount of energy to keep you hooked but never give you anything of substance.  An unwillingness to be vulnerable is a huge killer for me.  It's hard enough to feel close to someone online, so how do you have intimacy if you can't let your walls down with that special person?  

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How to keep things fresh with partners:

I find that being open with each other about what you want to try inworld helps alot. SL is alot of different things for many people, for some it can allow them a chance to explore in ways they can not or may not wish to in RL. So, why not do so with people you enjoy and care for? It can be very fun to explore new places, hobbies, interests, and yes kinks together. It can also be the very thing that can make a relationship become fragile, when one person can fall in love with something and another is not a fan. So, keep that in mind. But if you can find a common interest together that you both love and grow and nurture together, well that can keep things interesting in relationships. 

Another which I actually just read about in a thread on this forum, virtual snail mail. Now, for some people maybe this isn't their thing, to sit with their virtual pen to virtual paper (Notecard) and pass it along to a partner. But, for me I love doing so. I love not only the Notecard idea of writing love letters, or notes to just let someone know how they are on your mind, but also the gestures. Gifts do not have to be where you spend much money, the thing about gifts is, the effort put behind them. Its the act and gesture of taking YOUR TIME to do things for each other to show them what they mean to you. A random flower left on the bed, a silly note left on the fridge, a teddy bear that magically appeared that was not there when they logged off to sleep the night before. Or a surprise date night, or couple photoshoot with a "professional" photographer. Sometimes just being creative and making small gestures can mean the world to someone. 

 

 

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Posted (edited)
On 4/17/2021 at 8:43 AM, Adrian Rowley said:

In my humble opinion, that could depend on the nature of the  relationship. When one person is more independent and less clingy than the other...that could be a problem. I haven't been in a relationship for more than 10 years, but I remember how it felt being required to spend my time mainly with one person when there was so much to explore, build, meet...I felt caged and sometimes did not feel like logging in....so that's that...

...just curious, and I know it isn't any of my business, but I was wondering why you haven't been in a sl relationship for more than 10 years?  

 

Edited by kari Velvetleaf
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1 hour ago, kari Velvetleaf said:
On 4/17/2021 at 4:43 PM, Adrian Rowley said:

.....one person is more independent and less clingy than the other........I felt caged and sometimes did not feel like logging in....so that's that...

I was wondering why you haven't been in a sl relationship for more than 10 years? 

for me... the reason it already in the post  .. 

and the combination of clingy and possesive with a passive attitude to go out ... where shall we go / you say, shall we go for a dance/you say, go shopping/ you say.....aaaaarghhhhhhhh
DEADLY
Many people around SL , NOT all, look for a thing to háve... not to work for or bé... ( and don't use your partner as dress up doll, ... seeing the hundreds of bored people dragged around in shops is hilarious ( and your partner will get dragged around next week again to a different style shop.. or worse the same, and demo for the 10th time that next red joggers or cover his 1k skin with a bad inked tattoo.....and... a week later agáin  by the new other half because you got dumped ....)  )
 

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On 4/17/2021 at 1:22 PM, Doc Carling said:

Or asked differently what's a relatationship killer for you? Cheating? Lies? Bad sex?

Not logging on. When someone leaves you wondering if something has happened to them, or if you've been ghosted, without a really good excuse. Cheating is a killer for me too.

Keeping things fresh, I usually do things outside of SL with partners, like play MMOs or watch movies. That's not everyone's cup of tea though. 

 

 

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14 hours ago, Stephanie Misfit said:

Not logging on. When someone leaves you wondering if something has happened to them, or if you've been ghosted, without a really good excuse.

I can testify that this is incredibly painful and can lead to depression.

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Posted (edited)

Deal breakers

1. Being neglected [ I.E. not logging in ]

2. Gaslighting and love bombing 

3.Hiding under a mountains of alts

4. Not being upfront about where the relationship is going or what they want in a relationship

5.  Racism/prejudice

 

How to keep an sl relationship a live.

1. Be consistent 

2. Be honest

3. Be faithful

Edited by Minx Kurosawa
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1 hour ago, Minx Kurosawa said:

2. Gaslighting and love bombing 

This is the first time I have come across the term "love bombing", what is that? Please explain it to me as if I am a 50-year old :D

1 hour ago, Minx Kurosawa said:

4. Not being upfront about where the relationship is going or what they want in a relationship

Personally, I like to see a relationship develop on its own without a plan or goal to work towards because setting a goal could cause forced behavior and the way I see it, forced behavior is not real and if it's not real then please keep it away from me. Note that this is MY personal preference, and if planning a relationship works for others then that's fantabulous but it is not for me. As for what one wants in a relationship, should it not be obvious if the other person can provide what you want before you move from friendship to something beyond friendship?
HAving said that, honesty about likes and dislikes is utterly important because nothing is worse than, for example, buying your SO lovely pink gifts for months, only to find out that their fave color is turquoise. This is just an example but applies to all kinds of likes and dislikes.

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20 hours ago, Fritigern Gothly said:

This is the first time I have come across the term "love bombing", what is that? Please explain it to me as if I am a 50-year old :D

 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment

 

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. It happens when someone overwhelms the victim with loving words, physical actions with manipulative behaviors. It can be used in different ways and for either positive or negative purposes. Psychologists have identified love bombing as a possible part of a cycle of abuse and have warned against it.

 

Say in a domestic violence relationship... the woman/man leaves the relationship. The abuser will "love bomb" them until the come back into the abusive relationships. However love bombing online it can be pretty verbal, emotional abuse and manipulation. Basically them sending a bunch of love messages and you don't answer right away they go from zero to hundred and the negative messages come( basically curse words, and threats).  Than they go under and alt and do the same crap again. I've been loved bombed before.. and it seriously messed me up emotionally to the point where I hardly talk to anyone new in-world. Yes, I know I can log off and forget it.. but I shouldn't have too.. and no one should have to deal with that. Yes you can mute them.. but that doesn't stop them from going under and new account and doing the same thing again.

 

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IMO there are a few .. degrees of relationship killers. I'm speaking from an sl to rl .. crossover. By that I mean not sl to rl.. but sharing some rl stuff to keep an sl relationship interesting.. If I have a relationship on sl like that, Infidelity is number 1. But how does a person really know if the significant other is faithful? No one really knows. I don't get upset about alts. Ok.. here is another one that rubs my fur the wrong way. It's copy/paste sex. In sl, passion is a main driver. If my person can't or won't be mentally intimately, I lose interest. Guess that's why I don't have relationships anymore! 😁

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  • 4 weeks later...

I live a poly lifestyle in SL, so jealousy is a huge non-starter for me. Accept me, accept the family. That can also help keep things fresh. People wax and wane in online communities as RL circumstances change. If you have a large family grouping, if one needs to step away, either for a time or permanently, it softens the blow. But I also agree, ghosting is pretty damn low. Once, a long time ago, my PC died and I was still able to contact people I loved in SL while trying to replace it.

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On 5/2/2021 at 5:13 AM, Stephanie Misfit said:

Not logging on. When someone leaves you wondering if something has happened to them, or if you've been ghosted, without a really good excuse.

This. Just had this happen to a small group of friends, one has just gone poof! Weird. A simple goodbye would have been nice.

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7 hours ago, Katherine Heartsong said:

This. Just had this happen to a small group of friends, one has just gone poof! Weird. A simple goodbye would have been nice.

I agree, it would have been nice if they had said goodbye but sometimes circumstances don't allow you to. Perhaps their internet went down, maybe they had to move, or couldn't afford their internet any longer, there are a lot of reasons why people leave without saying goodbye, the best you can do, is hope they are ok and will come back at some point in time. Life does get in the way. Just sayin'. 

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I think, especially for a SL relationship, each person should be honest even if it is only virtual and then spell out their expectations when getting into a relationship.  I've learned everyone comes on SL for a reason.  Being honest about what they expect from each other is important, i.e. how often are you logging on, what is cheating to you - are you upset if they have another alt, are you ok with being poly, are you into big roleplaying.  If you don't know these answers then it is very unrealistic to have a "good" SL relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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