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Am I being too discerning about dating?


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I'm a mature, single transgender guy. I recently got verbally assaulted by a woman who was offended when she read on my profile I that I am not interested in dating women who are married in RL. I have a lot of reasons for this, for one, I have been with more than one woman who was married in RL and basically, it sucked, was emotionally draining and I spent most of my time alone waiting for them to show-up until I finally ended it or was discarded by them. Secondly, as a RL single person, I find it duplicitous and on some levels, hurtful. There's one set of rules in SL for the RL single person (you must remain faithful to your SL partner) and another for the married person. To me - it just feels unfair and unbalanced from a relationship standpoint. At worst, it just feels like a lie. 

The offhanded adage, "What happens in SL stays in SL" - I find both immature and inaccurate. My emotions do not turn on and off every time I log in or out of SL. If I begin to feel emotionally connected to someone - that feeling stays with me regardless of where I am.

Am I asking for too much in that I prefer to date only other mature, single adults in Second Life? 

 

 

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9 hours ago, Drew Mysterious said:

I'm a mature, single transgender guy. I recently got verbally assaulted by a woman who was offended when she read on my profile I that I am not interested in dating women who are married in RL. I have a lot of reasons for this, for one, I have been with more than one woman who was married in RL and basically, it sucked, was emotionally draining and I spent most of my time alone waiting for them to show-up until I finally ended it or was discarded by them. Secondly, as a RL single person, I find it duplicitous and on some levels, hurtful. There's one set of rules in SL for the RL single person (you must remain faithful to your SL partner) and another for the married person. To me - it just feels unfair and unbalanced from a relationship standpoint. At worst, it just feels like a lie. 

The offhanded adage, "What happens in SL stays in SL" - I find both immature and inaccurate. My emotions do not turn on and off every time I log in or out of SL. If I begin to feel emotionally connected to someone - that feeling stays with me regardless of where I am.

Am I asking for too much in that I prefer to date only other mature, single adults in Second Life? 

 

 

It was out of line for that women to question who you choose to date.  Everyone has their own preferences in that area.  Chubby, skinny, blonde, redhead, short, tall.  I think RL marital status is also up to the individual.  I'm married and in SL for reasons I'll disclose if I get close to someone.  I don't make moral judgements about anyone and make my RL status quite clear.  If someone chooses not to interact with me because of that, that's perfectly fine.  I don't expect them to make a moral judgement about me either.  

 

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11 hours ago, Drew Mysterious said:

Am I asking for too much in that I prefer to date only other mature, single adults in Second Life? 

 

No.

I could add more words to this answer like I am doing now, but that doesn't change the fact that the answer is a simple no. This is what you want, this is what you choose, this should be respected.

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15 hours ago, Drew Mysterious said:

[...] I recently got verbally assaulted by a woman who was offended when she read on my profile I that [...]

Every now & then I get ‘assaulted’ by weirdos who IM me out of the blue to rudely object to something in my profile. I rarely need to give them the benefit of the doubt (that they have a honest peeve) since, almost without exception, they behave like trolls.

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3 hours ago, Adrian Rowley said:

Did you try a real life dating website? I am not saying that its not possible to find someone in SL...but...what are the chances?

I have tried dating groups in SL for SL purposes only.  While I was in a dating group sim and a woman was posting her profile so I IM’d her.  Her and I have been together in SL for 4 or 5 months

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19 hours ago, Drew Mysterious said:

Am I asking for too much in that I prefer to date only other mature, single adults in Second Life? 

No, do what you feel comfortable with, and if anyone IMs you just to be rude to you, mute them and don't give them a second thought :) 

If you only want to date people with Pikachu avatars, that's up to you! Like Rowan said, everyone has their individual preferences and limits. Don't feel you have to conform to some 'SL rule'...it doesn't really exist ;)

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21 hours ago, Drew Mysterious said:

I'm a mature, single transgender guy. I recently got verbally assaulted by a woman who was offended when she read on my profile I that I am not interested in dating women who are married in RL. I have a lot of reasons for this, for one, I have been with more than one woman who was married in RL and basically, it sucked, was emotionally draining and I spent most of my time alone waiting for them to show-up until I finally ended it or was discarded by them. Secondly, as a RL single person, I find it duplicitous and on some levels, hurtful. There's one set of rules in SL for the RL single person (you must remain faithful to your SL partner) and another for the married person. To me - it just feels unfair and unbalanced from a relationship standpoint. At worst, it just feels like a lie. 

The offhanded adage, "What happens in SL stays in SL" - I find both immature and inaccurate. My emotions do not turn on and off every time I log in or out of SL. If I begin to feel emotionally connected to someone - that feeling stays with me regardless of where I am.

Am I asking for too much in that I prefer to date only other mature, single adults in Second Life? 

 

 

OMGosh! I can't like this post enough!  This is exactly the same situation I am in.   I agree with everything you posted and how you feel about it.  Recently I've met two people that are married or have a GF in RL.  They both said that they are totally devoted to their RL partner and they don't come online when their partner in RL is home because they wouldn't disrespect them like that. You are right...you spend all this time being faithful in SL to this one person waiting for them to come online and then are guilted when you get upset because you knew that RL always came first. I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't want to date in RL but I would like to find someone in SL that isn't cheating on their RL partner, pretending that because they only come online when they aren't around they are respecting them. It's still cheating, especially since I asked both if their wife knew would they be ok with it and they said no.  

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My sl partner has a bf in rl.  I have been married for 20 years. My wife doesn’t care What happens in SL as long as it stays in SL. My sl partner’s bf doesn’t mind either.  She is on while he is in the room sometimes.  It all depends on what you are comfortable with.  However if someone is telling you they are on secretly with out their gf/bf/spouse knowing I understand how you would not want involved in that.  

Edited by ballparkdogg
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My RL partner is perfectly fine with me dating in SL and I am always completely open about my marital status and my partner is 100% aware of my activities in SL. 
Similarly, my partner can date in SL too (we are both on SL) and this kind of permission goes both ways because that's only fair. 
Is this always easy? Not at all. Can it cause friction? Yes. But are we both happier for it because it works for us and it is right for us? That is a definite yes.

Dang, I lost track of what I wanted to say...

Ah, I remember! 
The thing is that if someone has to hide their online activities from their RL partner, they are cheating. It is that simple. If they have to hide, they cheat. And if they cheat on their RL, they will eventually cheat on their SL as well. 
Having boundaries is a good thing. Having decided to only date mature singles is one such boundary. Some people are perfectly fine with having a partner who is married in RL, others are not and neither is wrong. What IS wrong is to tell people what a meanie they are for refusing to date someone who is married in RL.

Yeeeaaah, I lost track again, I am not having my day. But these ARE things that pop in my mind when I read all of the above, it's a mish-mash of reactions (not even responses) to what others have said, most of which I agree with. 

Okay, calling it good now before I REALLY start to ramble, and that would be ugly! :D 

 

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16 hours ago, Ren Toxx said:

Every now & then I get ‘assaulted’ by weirdos who IM me out of the blue to rudely object to something in my profile. I rarely need to give them the benefit of the doubt (that they have a honest peeve) since, almost without exception, they behave like trolls.

   Goes to have a peek.

   .. Actually, I have brought up that ASCII dog in the pet peeve thread. But then I saw the text. So, no objections!

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10 hours ago, Fritigern Gothly said:

My RL partner is perfectly fine with me dating in SL and I am always completely open about my marital status and my partner is 100% aware of my activities in SL. 
Similarly, my partner can date in SL too (we are both on SL) and this kind of permission goes both ways because that's only fair. 
Is this always easy? Not at all. Can it cause friction? Yes. But are we both happier for it because it works for us and it is right for us? That is a definite yes.

 

Yes, the "my RL wife/husband/partner" knows everything I do online and is okay with it.   Thing is though is that people LIE.  No disrespect but I don't want to share someone with a RL partner whom I know will always come first.  Call me selfish...lol

 

20 hours ago, Adrian Rowley said:

Did you try a real life dating website? I am not saying that its not possible to find someone in SL...but...what are the chances?

Why don't I date in RL?  I have some RL medical issues that make it difficult to get out or have the energy to maintain a relationship in person. I've been married twice and my kids are grown. I am enjoying being single in RL. I still would like to have a relationship in SL.  What ARE the chances of finding someone that is single and only wants an online/long distance relationship?   Not just someone married or hooked up in RL that comes online to get sex in-between what they are getting in RL.  From my experience slim to none.

 

Edited by Sam1 Bellisserian
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15 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

Yes, the "my RL wife/husband/partner" knows everything I do online and is okay with it.   Thing is though is that people LIE.

This is absolutely true, which is why (if ever so desired by anyone) my partner and I have agreed to go on voice with the person that needs the reassurance that me or my partner is being truthful about this.

18 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

No disrespect but I don't want to share someone with a RL partner whom I know will always come first.  Call me selfish...lol

No disrespect taken. This kind of arrangement is definitely not for everyone. It takes a specific type of person, mindset and perhaps even worldview to not only find this an acceptable arrangement, but also to be comfortable with it. Considering that most people appear to lean towards monogamy, I would say that most people would not enjoy even knowing that there is an RL partner when there is an emotional/romantic component to their SL relationship. Again, it is not for everyone. 🙂 

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21 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:
47 minutes ago, rushingaround said:

You have to look out for number one without stepping in number 2

what exactly does this mean?

"Looking out for number 1" is a slang phrase for being self-important and putting your own interests above others.  "number 2" is a slang term for 💩.

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No I feel you on this 100% if I feel like I am really connected with someone I would want to be with them in real life, I have someone I met on a different platform but recently moved to SL with me. We plan on being together in RL in a few years but we are both poly and open to having other relationships on SL and we grow the relationships into friendships outside of SL. I feel as though if someone is taken in RL that it would be harder for me to wait around for them thus I allow myself and my other relationships to do as they please with others but spend enough time with me to be able to keep the relationship fun and thrilling.

You're not asking for much you're doing what you feel is comfy for you and that woman should not have done those things to you. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone like that. 

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I think in most of SL (especially Adult-Content SL), if you expressed it as “dating people who are  RL Married is a Hard Limit for me”, you would not catch any grief.

Much of SL has been conditioned to respect peoples personal Kinks more so than their personal Opinions. So, if you express your dating preference as if you were talking about an erotic preference (which it mostly is) - it would be respected.

”Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But Your Kink Is OK” (or versions thereof) is sort of a mantra within the pervasive alt-erotic/BDSM community, so if you frame your thought within that perspective - you would be just one more person with a specific “thing”.

”Do as you will” is another one, and I wish you well as you go about it 🙂

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1 hour ago, Amanda Crisp said:

I think in most of SL (especially Adult-Content SL), if you expressed it as “dating people who are  RL Married is a Hard Limit for me”, you would not catch any grief.

Much of SL has been conditioned to respect peoples personal Kinks more so than their personal Opinions. So, if you express your dating preference as if you were talking about an erotic preference (which it mostly is) - it would be respected.

 

So what you are saying is that putting "I don't date married women in RL" can't be understood or respected because it's not worded correctly?  Has SL really evolved so that you have to communicate in a dumb down way to this extent?  When did the preference of dating only single people become a Kink rather than the other way around?

 

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49 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

So what you are saying is that putting "I don't date married women in RL" can't be understood or respected because it's not worded correctly?  Has SL really evolved so that you have to communicate in a dumb down way to this extent?  When did the preference of dating only single people become a Kink rather than the other way around?

 

Nobody is compelled to say anything in any certain way. 🙂

I was pointing out how one might use a facet of SL Social Norms to say something and get around “offended” for some.

Verbal judo perhaps?

Its a big grid, opinions will differ 🙂 We all just do the best we can.....

 

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