Could use an Opinion on what to think?

[Rawiya Starlight]

So I am at a club and theres this guy who comes in and IMs every woman in the place. Mine seem to be always creepy to read. So I said in front of everyone "his name" you are f...ing creepy. The guy still hangs around. Others are saying they are getting his IM, but the club staff start giving me hell for telling the guy basically to f off and that I should not be saying that. And I replied back to the staff member back in nearby. It wasn't mean but I was getting threatened with being banned because shes not liking how I was talking to her. The guy is still hanging around creeping others out and I am the one getting yelled at. Finally I did my best to leave on good terms with the staff member and left that club. my thinking is that you have a guy creeping people out but you attack the one calling that guy out. Could use a little advice on this. Maybe I handled it wrong. 

[Profaitchikenz Haiku]

General rule of thumb is not to take something to local that's in in IM, either complain (in IM) to an admin, or just mute an objectionable person. Sadly, some people in SL feel that they can drop the usual social standards because it's not real/a game/they're untraceable.

[Gabriele Graves]

I have an auto-response on for this very thing when I am in places where I don't want random IMs:

"I'm not taking IMs right now, please talk to me in chat if you are near."

It doesn't stop you getting that initial IM but ignoring it usually stops anything else.

[Sid Nagy]

Not responding to IM's isn't always rude, can even be the politest solution.

And don't forget, staff members of SL clubs are no professionals.
For the wages payed you simply can't expect that.

Remember you are in a club with 25-50 USD a month running costs, not in a 150,000 USD one in RL.
SL clubs are mom and pap joints at best.

Thankfully there are almost as many clubs as sand on a beach in SL.
Time to move on (with your friends who frequent that club too)?

Edited April 6, 2021 by Sid Nagy
Adjustments.

[Rawiya Starlight]

2 minutes ago, Sid Nagy said:

Not responding to IM's isn't always rude, can even be the politest solution.

And don't forget, staff members of SL clubs are no professionals.
For the wages payed you simply can't expect that.

Remember you are in a 25-50 $ a month running costs club, not in a 150,000 one in RL.
Thankfully there are almost as many clubs as sand on a beach in SL.
Time to move on (with your friends who frequent that club too)?

Not going back is basically what i am thinking. I do admit that I will miss the DJ's there. they were super nice, the staff....

[Sid Nagy]

Most DJ's have more than one club where they spin. Often they have their own group as well, that you can join.
Just use in-world search to find them. Find out were they offer their service as well.
Or simply IM the DJ. They most of the times don't bite.

Edited April 6, 2021 by Sid Nagy

[Rawiya Starlight]

3 minutes ago, Sid Nagy said:

Most DJ's have more than one club where they spin. Often they have their own group as well, that you can join.
Just use in world search to track them. Find out were they offer their service as well.
Or simply IM the DJ.

Good advice thank you. maybe i will find a new place to hang out in

[Rat Luv]

1 hour ago, Rawiya Starlight said:

So I am at a club and theres this guy who comes in and IMs every woman in the place. Mine seem to be always creepy to read. So I said in front of everyone "his name" you are f...ing creepy. The guy still hangs around. Others are saying they are getting his IM, but the club staff start giving me hell for telling the guy basically to f off and that I should not be saying that. And I replied back to the staff member back in nearby. It wasn't mean but I was getting threatened with being banned because shes not liking how I was talking to her. The guy is still hanging around creeping others out and I am the one getting yelled at. Finally I did my best to leave on good terms with the staff member and left that club. my thinking is that you have a guy creeping people out but you attack the one calling that guy out. Could use a little advice on this. Maybe I handled it wrong. 

I used to host and speaking personally, it creates problems when people have a dispute in local chat...it would be better to IM the host and say "This guy is being creepy", or just mute him.

Otherwise, it becomes a public issue and people who come to hang out and relax are suddenly watching a load of drama unfold, and decide to leave. Less traffic = less club tips  = fed-up owner  

I would personally have handled it differently, but I don't think the staff were picking on you...you also have to consider that some people make fake claims about being abused on IM to get others in trouble, so it can be hard to tell sometimes. But it's good you left on good terms 

[rasterscan]

Learning to ignore that yellow flashing chat button can be marvellous for ones mental well being. Let it flash away. Unless its someone you want to talk to.

OCD sufferers who like things organised neat tidy and bang up to date may find this technique harder to master than you or I, dear reader.

Edited April 6, 2021 by rasterscan
sdf

[Ceka Cianci]

I always take a second to see if I want to respond to any IM's from someone I don't know.. Before I even get that far I'm looking at their profile..

Also, Some clubs like to keep a handle on the drama, so it's always a good thing to either ignore the person or ask for help in IM's from the staff if it's becoming a real problem..

If they choose over you, then just find a better place to hang..It's not worth the aggravation..

[kali Wylder]

Reporting the offense to the host in IM is better than taking it to local.  Taking it to local means that you are contributing to the problem rather than seeking a solution.  Alerting the host that there is a problem could save other people from being hassled.  Trying to shame the offender by taking it to local generally backfires making you just as bad as the offender.

It's so easy to mute and derender.  Taking it to local makes you a drama queen and I'm not surprised you got a negative reaction.

[Adamburp Adamczyk]

We have this handy dandy tool called a mute button, that never fails to stop anyone im'ing you.

[Ingrid Ingersoll]

Tell them you can see their dirty cooter. 

[Bree Giffen]

You should feel happy that you are pretty enough to get IMs. Some people are never get IMs because they don’t have a mesh face, have a small chest, and walk funny because they haven’t updated their AO in a while.

[Jaylinbridges]

10 hours ago, Rawiya Starlight said:

10 hours ago, Sid Nagy said:

Most DJ's have more than one club where they spin. Often they have their own group as well, that you can join.
Just use in world search to track them. Find out were they offer their service as well.
Or simply IM the DJ.

Good advice thank you. maybe i will find a new place to hang out in

Most if not all clubs do not allow local chat Drama - period.  As everyone has advised, take any personal issue to IM with the hostess or DJ. If you argued with the hostess in local chat you violated the etiquette of the club.  Do not blame the club, or the DJ's, when you were at fault.  Sid's advice blames the club, AND the performers for drama they had nothing to do with.  And not all DJ's play at other venues.  Hanging out at another club is just bad advice - when the club staff were only doing their job.  

Let the club staff handle personal drama, privately! 

 

[Paul Hexem]

I feel like SL needs more creepy girls to help balance things out.

They only ever beg for money, though. So sad. Won't someone sexually harass some men for a change?!

[Orwar]

2 minutes ago, Paul Hexem said:

Won't someone sexually harass some men for a change?!

   Try showing up at a club in a kilt ..

[Paul Hexem]

1 minute ago, Orwar said:

   Try showing up at a club in a kilt ..

Are you hogging all the male directed sexual harassment for yourself?

[Orwar]

2 minutes ago, Paul Hexem said:

Are you hogging all the male directed sexual harassment for yourself?

   Sometimes it feels like it!

[Janet Voxel]

18 minutes ago, Paul Hexem said:

I feel like SL needs more creepy girls to help balance things out.

They only ever beg for money, though. So sad. Won't someone sexually harass some men for a change?!

I tried it.

 

It doesn't work out the way you'd think it would. Men miss out on most flirty cues.

[Tex Monday]

16 hours ago, Rawiya Starlight said:

So I am at a club and theres this guy who comes in and IMs every woman in the place. Mine seem to be always creepy to read. So I said in front of everyone "his name" you are f...ing creepy. The guy still hangs around. Others are saying they are getting his IM, but the club staff start giving me hell for telling the guy basically to f off and that I should not be saying that. And I replied back to the staff member back in nearby. It wasn't mean but I was getting threatened with being banned because shes not liking how I was talking to her. The guy is still hanging around creeping others out and I am the one getting yelled at. Finally I did my best to leave on good terms with the staff member and left that club. my thinking is that you have a guy creeping people out but you attack the one calling that guy out. Could use a little advice on this. Maybe I handled it wrong. 

Don't be a hero...block his stupid ass and move on. Let other people handle their own problems. 

[Scylla Rhiadra]

I'm going to suggest a slightly different take on this, which is not entirely applicable to your situation as you've described it, but which nonetheless I think is worth thinking about.

In general, I agree with most of the comments above. I would not myself respond in public to a creep who IMed me at a club for a number of reasons, the most important being that it does produce a toxic atmosphere, drama, and so forth. And it's not fair, if there is a DJ and/or host, to put them in a position of having to deal with it.

Having said that . . . one of the reasons that obnoxious little creeps can get away with being obnoxious little creeps for so long is precisely because there is a sort of code of silence that we all too often accept as the "proper" way of handing these things. At the risk of comparing big things with small, it's what often happens in work places, for instance, where someone is continually and serially harassing women: the victims often decide it's easier and, most especially, safer to just deal with it on their own. And unfortunately, understandable as that is, it does nothing to make that workplace safer and less awful a place for other women.

So, ok . . . as I said, big things with small. A guy being creepy in IM, even consistently often, is clearly not the same thing as someone harassing women in their RL workplace.

But the same principle applies, at least a bit. If people aren't called out for their crappy behaviour, then they are essentially being enabled to continue it with impunity. In a slightly different context, I might well respond to such a person publicly, because this kind of behaviour, while not "dangerous," can certainly poison a community. And talking about it publicly might well embolden others to speak out about their experiences with said creep if they hear me do it. It can create drama, of course, but it can also lead eventually to the termination of that kind of ickiness. And I actually think that that's better than everyone quietly suffering in silence.

One thing though: it's not sufficient to simply say "You're a creep." If you call someone out publicly, you have to do so in a reasonable, rational, and informative way (without, obviously actually posting their IM publicly, which would be a violation of the ToS and CS). Take the high road. Demonstrate by your response that this isn't a he-said-she-said situation, and that it's not merely airing a personal dispute. Address it instead as an issue of community standards and the ethical dictates of civil interaction with others.

[Amanda Crisp]

I beat my head against this one for many years. Added complexity: I also DJ and model within SL and end up drawing Bonus Stalkers based on that.

Ultimately, muting and de-rendering are my best solution for random creeps.

If “hey baby, you should do me some time” is the best they can do in an IM, I’m saving both of us time by evicting them from the SL I can perceive......

No argument, no drama - just an empty space where Sex Tourist #5986 used to be.

Since there is no “one size fits all” definition of *What Is Second Life?*, we will always have conflict between the “its a game and I can be an A$$ if I want” crowd and people like me who are legitimately living a Second Life here. Mute/De-Render seems like the most painless way to manage that boundary for people who won’t read Profiles and demonstrate by their behavior that all you are to them is a potential sexbot.

 

[Janet Voxel]

Really, you just have to be quick witted with those types. They really don't know how to handle it, the better ones might go back and forth for a little while, but they'll back off after a while. The worst ones will stop all together after your first clap back, because all they want is the response they were already expecting. So when you go off script, its checkmate.

True story, it happened today:

*ding ding*

Creepy guy: Nice shirt

Me: Thank you!

Creepy Guy: Are your ___________ hard underneath?

Me: They were until you spoke to me.

He stopped after that.

 

[RunawayBunny]

I am okay with creepy people (or shall I say different people?), I had lots of laugh thanks to them. It will be boring if we had same type of people all the time.

If things get to much weird I can block and de render them anytime.

Edited April 7, 2021 by RunawayBunny