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Justine Kingmaker

Alts: hiding away from drama or creating more?

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I actually started in SL back in '07, but had a fatal system crash that prevented me from really getting all that involved before my pc died. I didn't return to SL until late last year, but in the mean time I thought I had lost my original avatar's sign-in information. So, I created Justine. Since then "Jussy's" become fairly well established.  I've had more jobs than I have irl (and I'm no spring chicken irl, thanks my rl son is about the average age of most sl residents), I've started to learn to build, do a little in world photography, create various products both tangable and intangable. But what eludes me is relationships. Not that I haven't had a few, but I have never been able to feel completely comfortable about them. It's as if I intentionally fowl things up because I get too bored. My current relationship is no different. My other half (can't say partner because we're not 'partnered" to each other...and calling him my b/f seems so diminutive) has stuck by me throw all sorts of drama. He's broken up with me once...within minutes regretted it and we were back together. I've broken up with him twice. The first time we were separated for a full week before my SL sister (RL best friend for over 2Decades) stepped in and told him to "Work it out!" (in so many words) But this last time has been the worst.

IRL he's a family man: Wife, kid, job...etc. (Yes, before you ask his rl wife is in SL and she not only is aware of our relationship but encouraged it from the start.) Anyway...he's recently gotten a promotion at his rl job which has caused him to spend less and less time in world, leaving me to get up to no good! My friends all have told me to leave him, find someone who can be in world, someone who doesn't share his time with a RL wife...etc. But I haven't been able to.  There's some sort of bond with us. We chat in world, online in other forums, txt, skype...etc. We're best friends in a way. I adore this man and support his having to spend more and more time irl because I know he's doing the right thing. But...I have sort of gotten up to no good while he's been away.  Sort of...

The details aren't really all that important, only that now I've had to retreat to my original avi (which I did find her sign-on info a few months ago) and my guy's rl wife has forbade him from seeing Jussy ever again. I was beside myself with grief over losing him. I felt I'd lost my best friend, the one person I coluld joke with, go to for advice, feel completely comfortable with...

It took me a few hours to regain my balance, as it were, bite the bullet and sign on as my alt. (Which my guy has been fully aware of from the start) Immediately he IM'd me asking why it had taken me so long to come back. He then informed me of his wife's decission to also retreat to an alt for a while.  This was the result of a lot of talk going on behind her back that I had brought up to my guy. His wife got upset because I didn't say anything to her about it first, but honestly I didn't think it would matter which of them I talked to. I have always respected their rl marriage and I see them as one entity.  Apparently she was none too keen about it.  He then tells me regardless of his wife's decission he doesn't want to lose me over all this and wants to start over with my alt! What makes me a bit uneasy is that this is now going on behind his RL wife's back.  I told him if she ever found out who my alt is she'd go throug the roof...but at the same time...I really don't want to lose him either. 
I guess I'm really at a loss here. We are genuinly good friends irl. We chat about everything. He even has been txt'ing me while I've been writing this, while he's on break at his rl job.  I can't stand the idea that because of this invisible line we've crossed from being completely out in the open with our relationship, to now hiding it from everyone...including his wife, that its going to have a lasting impact on his marriage. Yes, I love him, I've known for a while that I have had very real feelings for him...as he has admitted to having for me too...but I don't want to be the cause of any rl marriage problems for he and his wife.

What to do, what to do...

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Sorry but you need to get out of that relationship. RL > SL. Don't mess with a RL marriage. It doesn't matter that for a while you were the 'fantasy' between them that she had her man indulge in. You should never have put yourself into that role as it only could lead to this. You and them getting hurt.

Get out before it gets worse.

Unfriend him, block him, IM 'wife' and explain that its hard for you but you know you need to step out before you hurt their RL marriage or get hurt anymore yourself. Tell her you're still going to be in SL (if you plan to stay here), but that you've blocked him and suggest she have him block you until you two no longer feel the 'urge' to connect anymore. Then tell her you will not be hanging out at whatever were the more common hangout spots for the two of you, anymore. And follow through with that.

I'm on the fence about blocking 'wife' - I think you should tell her you blocked him but are not blocking her so that she can comment to you about this -if needed- and know that she can trust you to stay away.

You need to realize here that it is -YOU- that needs to get out of this scene ASAP. It may hurt, but its a scene you should not have let yourself into in the first place.

Oh... and if your RL son is, as you say, in his 40s, you're over 70? ;)

Or did you think the average SL user was younger?

 

If you're that old, then you know everything I just wrote. You know how this would play out if it was all in RL. Don't be the mistress in RL, or in SL. And certainly don't be the 'mistress fantasy'.

 

 

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If your conscience tells you it is wrong & makes you feel uncomfortable, how is that fun? It will just change your opinion of your friend that he would do that behind his wife`s back.

In my experience it doesn`t take long to work out that an alt is someone you know, we can`t hide ourselves that easily & once we relax we slip into being our normal self and so if you are in her company a lot you will get busted. So you either spend time with her and feel guilty about lying or you avoid her and feel guilty about sneaking around behind her back. Either way it will change your friendshiips.

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Returning to SL in an Alt that he knows about but his wife doesn't  know about sounds like trouble to me, and it seems disingenuous on your part to have done this if you care at all about not injuring his marriage.  If his wife has taken up an alt that you don't know about, she'll most likely try to find you and then  friend  you to keep tabs on you and her husband.  If she sees that you've suddenly disappeared she's going to find out eventually and this will not bode well for any one in this scenario.

The only hope of any kind of recovery of the friendship is to talk to her yourself and explain and apologize for creating a situation where she felt slighted.  If she doesn't accept the apology then move on.  And don't kid yourself.  If he's willing to lie to his wife and continue your relationship in secret, then he's a person with a bad character and he will eventually lie to you, as well.

Its a big problem when you do not maintain strict boundries when engaging in this type of relationship with a married person in SL.  I'm married in RL and have had a few relationships in SL, but I am very firm and clear about my boundries which include NO RL contact of any kind...no phone calls, texting, etc.  And if the relationship starts to get out of hand I end it.  As far as having "real feelings" for him - personally all real feelings I'd have for someone who'd go behind his/her spouses back would immediately be extinguished.  But in any event, since it appears you've never met or spent time with him in RL, you can't really claim to have real feelings of significance that in anyway take precedence over his RL marriage and parenting responsibilities.

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No I am not taking on the role of sockpuppet in this OP.  My alt did not write this, althought I wish he had.   I think you are entitled to all the fun and drama you can tolerate.  Create a few more alts and see your man when you choose.  Who cares about his RL situation; let him work that nonsense out.  Best friends are hard to come by.  The day 'he' states your relationship is over is the day it is over - the same thing with you - when you call it 'quits' then it's quits.  In the meanwhile have as much fun as you can.  Drama is fun sometimes, too.  

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Sheesh.  What a mess. 

Are you sure you're old enough to have adult children?  Because this sounds like some kind of teen-drama. 

If, you are worried that *you* are the cause of marital discord for a man that you care about, then end that relationship.    

Do nothing that would cause harm to this man...and the people in his RL life.   To do anything less, is to act selfishly.

Now, with that said, it may be that *you* are not the cause of the marital discord, but are merely a symptom.   The martial discord may have already been present in their marriage, and this man is seeking what he cannot get at home.  I suspect that is often the case in SL.    

 

 

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My bet is that this will end badly.  Then again, a lot of things end badly.  As long as you can see the eventual train-wreck coming and you are cool with it, play on.

 

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Celest & Storm:

 

I strangely agree with both of you. I have suspected their rl marraige has issues going on that I am not and have never been a part of. Which is why I don't ask. Its none of my business.
As far as the wife goes, honestly, I couldn't care less what she thinks. I have learned to have very little respect for her. The disingenuous one here has been her from the start. The fact that her husband finds solace and friendship in me, hmmm. Do the math.

Look, I don't want to be the cause of any issues in their marriage, but I can't image their marriage is all that perfect when she allows him to have a very public affair in SL...not to mention her own public behavior. Its no secret she sleeps around. Its no secret she has had several "Masters" in the BDSM scene. (Not my thing)  I am also aware of her having several alts, a few of which I have met and have witnessed her behavior behind her husband's back.

The thing is, he only got into SL to make sure she was "safe." Since then she has encouraged behavior from him that I don't see as being in his nature. Which is why when we started dating he made a very public announcement that he was not going to be frequenting "their" usual hang-outs any longer.  He gave me mapping rights immediately, without my asking. He is never anywhere in world I don't know about. He has never lied to me, he has never cheated on me. I know his rl work schedule and know his wife logs in when he's not home only to **bleep** around behind his back. So, if she wants to start **bleep** with me...she has a LOT more explaining to do than I ever will. At least he's still seeing me, regardless of which avi I occupy. It's not like he's whoring around behind his wife's back or mine.

I do appreciate those who have said for me to walk away, to contact the wife and tell her everything, but I can't image how that would make anything better for anyone. I've gotten to know how she thinks. She's a hothead who reacts before she thinks anything through.  He and I have talked about this whole situation and he's convinced given a little time she'll calm down and I can return to my primary avi and resume our public relationship. As far as my not telling her about my alt, honestly, it just never came up in conversations with her before.
I believe if I was to "come clean" with her about my alt, my still seeing her husband..etc..there would be a much larger issue created.  That's opening a can of worms I am not prepared nor interested in opening.

So, thank you, all. I think I've sufficiently made up my mind on this. I will continue to be his friend, regardless. We are not seen together where his wife is or where she frequents, so I'm really not concerned about it at all.

 

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As someone who's dated plenty of men who are married in RL, I'll offer my opinion, but it is only my opinion. Sounds to me like you're letting your connection with this man, your empathy/sympathy for his situation, and your feelings about what his wife does when he's not around serve as your justification to make an equally poor choice. Granted I do not know the details of why you felt an alt was necessary, but I promise you (as someone who knows first hand), no good can come from veiling and continuing your activities under an alt alias. Really, the only situation that should require fleeing to another account would be continued stalking or harrassment, and only if LL hasn't done anything. Doing so for these relationship reasons isn't a sign of how important it is to you, it's a sign of how much deceit you would justifiy to continue getting what you want. These kinds of situations in particular, require one to own up to what's happened, and to stand tall and take the lumps you've earned, then move on. You must also realize that by continuing with a hidden alt, you've introduced the aspects of dishonesty and mistrust into yours and his relationship, and regardless of whether that's between you two or you and his wife, it's burden will continue to get heavier and heavier until it crashes under it's own weight.

When dealing with others who are married in RL, it is your first and primary responsibility to accept that you are not his spouse, GF, primary means of support, OR the one closest to his heart, and you have a common sense and moral obligation not to act or make decisions as if you were one. Your emotions and personal feelings in this type of thing do NOT outweigh the need to act with honor and integrity. I've been there, and choosing the selfish path is a one-way direction that only ends in pain.

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You do understand that it's more than possible his "RL wife" is his own alt?

Aside from that I'd say it's different for everyone. There are many reasons to create, and ways to use, or misuse, an alt. 

 

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Thanks for the assurance, Nacy.

I'm beginning to think that married couples procreate so they can torture the lives of their children just like their parents did to them. It is just not fair... How is it FUN to facilitate the wreckage of an already broken family... what's going to happen to the innocents?

Why is it that in an affair... no one ever thought of the well being of their children in the first place before committing the act?

I'm sorry but I'm saddened by this whole situation. I truly am.

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Justine Kingmaker wrote:

I've known for a while that I have had very real feelings for him...as he has admitted to having for me too...but I don't want to be the cause of any rl marriage problems for he and his wife.

What to do, what to do...

Seems to me  you answered that question with the sentence above it. If you don't want to be the cause of any rl marriage problems you need to end your SL relationship. Others have pointed out that you may not be the cause or at least the only cause of any problems that marriage has, and I expect that may be true. Regardless, you clearly are not a positive influence on the marriage if all you say is true.

I think you have to take the hurt.

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Dana Hickman wrote:

Sounds to me like you're letting your connection with this man, your empathy/sympathy for his situation, and your feelings about what his wife does when he's not around serve as your
justification
to make an equally poor choice.

When dealing with others who are married in RL, it is your first and primary responsibility to accept that
you are not
his spouse, GF, primary means of support, OR
the one closest to his heart
, and you have a
common sense and moral obligation not to act
or make decisions
as if you were one
. Your emotions and personal feelings in this type of thing do NOT outweigh the
need to act with honor and integrity
. I've been there, and choosing the selfish path is a one-way direction that only ends in pain.

As Dana says, you're self justifying.

I would say you're heading down a very bad path if you start doing this.

Your -ONLY- ethical choice is to cut all ties with the married man and tell the wife you're no longer tampering in their marriage. Anything else and you're on very bad ground.

 

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There's a not very subtle sort of irony in the fuss made over alts created to escape the reponsibilities of a previous second life not quite up to expectations but the very low-key fuss made over people escaping RL responsibilities by creating your first avatar. Seems to me there's a lot of head-shaking and tut-tut-tutting over folks who have affairs etc using an alt (or several), thereby cheating on the first SL little wifey or hubby, but not so much concern over the implications of RL married people having any sort of relationship in here in the first place.

Just saying...

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Its just VR barbie doll gaming until RL relationships get involved.

But there's a good reason why I don't do SL-romance, and you've come close to hitting on it there. Most people take it serious - so its to dangerous a RP to engage in.

 If yor're single or in an open relationship fine. But the moment RL relationships get burdened by something in SL, RL > SL.

 And a wife / husband ALWAYS outranks a mistress / boy-toy. The mistress here needs to butt out once she's no longer the real couple's plaything.

 

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Pussycat Catnap wrote:

Its just VR barbie doll gaming until RL relationships get involved.

But there's a good reason why I don't do SL-romance, and you've come close to hitting on it there. Most people take it serious - so its to dangerous a RP to engage in.

 If yor're single or in an open relationship fine. But the moment RL relationships get burdened by something in SL, RL > SL.

 And a wife / husband ALWAYS outranks a mistress / boy-toy. The mistress here needs to butt out once she's no longer the real couple's plaything.

 

Yep. Agreed. Though I'd add - who wants to be an accessory in someone else's marriage anyway??? It's not very...what's the word I'm looking for?...fulfilling. That's it. Hardly the most fulfilling emotional experience on offer - in which case you wonder why anyone would care when such a "relationship" ended.

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Stay away from people in RL relationships and RL marriages. There is nothing for you.

Stay away from people who "blur" their first life into their SL.  Number one indicator they have no idea how to boundary their life in all kind way.

Stay away from becoming personae non personae. -Thats a SL person who is no SL person just a lot of alt names for their RL self who is all over the place.  Truely, if you need more than one acct , unless you are being griefed, or just deeply want to try something different without losing the established rep. temporariily , it says you need to reexamine why..

People make alts because the truth is they are uncomfortable with their own behaviors.

 

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