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Hi, 

I want you to excuse me for my bad english. 

I'm In a relationship with my sl boyfriend from about 8 months. We are in a different time zones but we find our ways to be together. The thing is that we don't go any further In our relationship. It's kind of hard to talk with him. I'm trying really to understand him, but I have to admit that I can't. I think that we should live together as a couple, but all I got as an answer was lame excuses. He has a big mansion and he lives alone, I don't care about this, I don't want this. I need to feel that He wants to share something with me. I need to feel that he jealous. I push his limits sometimes. He is really calm person, all he says is he doesn't want to fight with me while we have so little time together. I don't want it too, but I can't act like we have a normal relationship. I talked to him again, he told me he'll try to change. And I told him I won't wait for him forever. I have many men around me and they say he's lucky to have me. Please, tell me what you think, I need more opinions. I know it's my decison, but I wonder - may be I'm wrong. May be he's right, or not? I know it's long and complicated, forgive me. 

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I think you need to relax and just have fun playing SL while both of you can do that together and not take things seriously. (Pushing each other to the limit simply creates negativity and boredom

I think he already has as much from the relationship as he needs, and he neither needs nor wants to take it any further than it is now.  Trying to make him jealous or pushing his limits will only make

Do not assume any of them would be any better than he is.

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I think that this man doesn't want more from your relationship than he has already.  He's happy to live alone, with the freedom to do whatever he wants.  He can entertain other people in your absence; if you lived there and had your things there then other people would know you are a part of his life.  Fighting with him won't do any good.  If he gives in and lets you live there he will resent you.  Ask him to tell you plainly what he wants, and believe him.  Then move on.

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I think you need to relax and just have fun playing SL while both of you can do that together and not take things seriously.

(Pushing each other to the limit simply creates negativity and boredom unless it's role-play.)

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1 hour ago, HelenaNavy92 said:

Hi, 

I want you to excuse me for my bad english. 

I'm In a relationship with my sl boyfriend from about 8 months. We are in a different time zones but we find our ways to be together. The thing is that we don't go any further In our relationship. It's kind of hard to talk with him. I'm trying really to understand him, but I have to admit that I can't. I think that we should live together as a couple, but all I got as an answer was lame excuses. He has a big mansion and he lives alone, I don't care about this, I don't want this. I need to feel that He wants to share something with me. I need to feel that he jealous. I push his limits sometimes. He is really calm person, all he says is he doesn't want to fight with me while we have so little time together. I don't want it too, but I can't act like we have a normal relationship. I talked to him again, he told me he'll try to change. And I told him I won't wait for him forever. I have many men around me and they say he's lucky to have me. Please, tell me what you think, I need more opinions. I know it's my decison, but I wonder - may be I'm wrong. May be he's right, or not? I know it's long and complicated, forgive me. 

I think he already has as much from the relationship as he needs, and he neither needs nor wants to take it any further than it is now.  Trying to make him jealous or pushing his limits will only make him hate you. If you have limited time together he wants to make that time as pleasant and fun as possible. Fighting is a waste of that precious time.

Having a relationship is not a race to get him to commit to you for-ever-and-ever as quickly as possible. It's about being there for each other today. It's about enjoying the moment. Stop worrying about the future and just focus on the present. People tell you that he's lucky to have you but I think it's the other way round; you're lucky that you have found a man who is calm, gentle and loving without being jealous, controlling and demanding.

No-one can make another person change, or change their mind. There is only one person you can do that for, and that's yourself. If one of you needs to change to make the relationship work, then you have to make that change in yourself.

You have two options here.

  • Stop complaining, accept the relationship the way it is now, take it day-by-day and be grateful for what you DO have
  • Accept that the two of you have needs that are not compatible with one another and break up with him. 

If you carry on the way you are doing now, the problem will fix itself because one day you'll push past his limits and he will dump you. But hey, that shouldn't worry you if you have many other men to choose from.

Remember this too;  women outnumber men in SL by a significant margin. If you start making him unhappy, he has far more alternative choices than you do.

Edited by Maitimo
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2 hours ago, HelenaNavy92 said:

lease, tell me what you think--- may be I'm wrong. May be he's right, or not?

there is no right or wrong, but you both seem to expect something different from this relationship.
If that doesn;t match, you en he should go your own way, or accept this is it.
But stop pushing. It will damage any relationship.

Edited by Alwin Alcott
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Hi People, 

thank you so much for your answers.  He is my first boyfriend In SL. You really helped me to decide. May be I don't need more. I don't have much time for SL and I feel good around him. I hope he doesn't lie to me when he says he did nothing wrong. I'll enjoy our thing together and will stop worrying. Thank you again, you helped me to see through things. 

Hugs. 

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9 hours ago, Talligurl said:

Do not assume any of them would be any better than he is.

Very true. Never assume anything. Take your time, and get to know them. Sometimes good men can be women in SL, so don't overlook that. They will eventually tell you if they are, if they actually care about the relationship.

Edited by Bagnu
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16 hours ago, HelenaNavy92 said:

Hi, 

I want you to excuse me for my bad english. 

I'm In a relationship with my sl boyfriend from about 8 months. We are in a different time zones but we find our ways to be together. The thing is that we don't go any further In our relationship. It's kind of hard to talk with him. I'm trying really to understand him, but I have to admit that I can't. I think that we should live together as a couple, but all I got as an answer was lame excuses. He has a big mansion and he lives alone, I don't care about this, I don't want this. I need to feel that He wants to share something with me. I need to feel that he jealous. I push his limits sometimes. He is really calm person, all he says is he doesn't want to fight with me while we have so little time together. I don't want it too, but I can't act like we have a normal relationship. I talked to him again, he told me he'll try to change. And I told him I won't wait for him forever. I have many men around me and they say he's lucky to have me. Please, tell me what you think, I need more opinions. I know it's my decison, but I wonder - may be I'm wrong. May be he's right, or not? I know it's long and complicated, forgive me. 

Quite frankly, it sounds like he is not single in real life because this is a way a married man or married person would act in real life - keep you at a distance because eight months is quite awhile.

You may not even have different times zones either - it could be the real life significant other is around at certain times.   

I think you shouldn't try to change him but you might need to start accepting he has a real life someone and he cannot always put you first.  

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14 minutes ago, FairreLilette said:

Quite frankly, it sounds like he is not single in real life because this is a way a married man or married person would act in real life - keep you at a distance because eight months is quite awhile.harsh

You may not even have different times zones either - it could be the real life significant other is around at certain times.   

I think you shouldn't try to change him but you might need to start accepting he has a real life someone and he cannot always put you first.  

Or another SL girlfriend.  Some people have several people they see depending on times available.  If she's not online much, I highly doubt he's spending all his time alone.  It's just a harsh fact about SL.  

The OP has only been in SL 8 months and with this man 8 months.  It sounds to me like he's just keeping her around and taking advantage of the fact she's new and doesn't really know the ins and outs of a lot of SL relationships.  People lie, people use other people, people tell you what they think you want to hear.  

11 hours ago, HelenaNavy92 said:

I hope he doesn't lie to me when he says he did nothing wrong.

What did you ask him?

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19 minutes ago, RowanMinx said:

People lie, people use other people, people tell you what they think you want to hear.  

   *Some people.

   I've been involved with a fair few women lately who tried to judge me by how they'd been treated by past partners. I can be sympathetic to their hesitation and fear to some degree, but after a while it becomes apparent that they need to work on themselves, rather than to keep raising their expectations in others. A person who isn't ready to trust, is a person who isn't ready to love. 

   That said, relationships tend to fall apart if there's dissatisfaction and poor communication. But each person should be judged by their own merits, and it's up to the OP to figure out how to navigate their situation - after all, if you judge everyone by your general expectations in humanity, you'll never find out who is that one in a million.

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1 hour ago, FairreLilette said:

Quite frankly, it sounds like he is not single in real life because this is a way a married man or married person would act in real life - keep you at a distance because eight months is quite awhile.

41 minutes ago, RowanMinx said:

Or another SL girlfriend.  Some people have several people they see depending on times available.  If she's not online much, I highly doubt he's spending all his time alone.  It's just a harsh fact about SL.  

The OP has only been in SL 8 months and with this man 8 months.  It sounds to me like he's just keeping her around and taking advantage of the fact she's new and doesn't really know the ins and outs of a lot of SL relationships.  People lie, people use other people, people tell you what they think you want to hear.  

Jeeze, go for the nuclear option right away won't you?

"He wants his own place and doesn't want to advance the relationship, he probably has a girlfriend or is cheating in other ways!"

Guys, calm down. There are infinitely more possibilities for this type of behavior, secret girlfriends aren't even nearly always the answer. We've only heard one side of the story, we know nothing about this relationship. Not only that but even the self-told story here implies that the relationship is at least a little one-sided. Maybe (get ready to gasp) the guy is the saint here and OP is the clingy weirdo, and he doesn't find that attractive enough to fully commit and is trying to put the breaks on her.

Not everybody is good at resolving personal conflicts (with themselves or others) for yet another infinite amount of reasons.

Edited by Wulfie Reanimator
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11 minutes ago, Orwar said:

A person who isn't ready to trust, is a person who isn't ready to love. 

Not necessarily, this is Second Life and to many real life not only comes first which is SL's secret yet often spoken motto, many "players" also believe that their real life is none of the other person's business nor are their other affairs in SL because it is role play to many not E-Harmony.com.  

Edited by FairreLilette
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Just now, FairreLilette said:

Not necessarily, this is Second Life and too many real life not only comes first which is SL's secret yet often spoken motto, many "players" also believe that their real life is none of the other person's business nor are their other affairs in SL because it is role play to many not E-Harmony.com.  

   If you perceive an SL relationship as RP, then that's not 'love'.

   Besides, it's well established that some people view SL relationships as RP, and that some view them as real relationships, and that some have found their very real significant others through Second Life. 

   You just keep on building off of worst case scenario presumptions, and projecting your own opinions and experiences on a relationship that you aren't a part of. 

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4 minutes ago, Wulfie Reanimator said:

Jeeze, go for the nuclear option right away won't you?

"He wants his own place and doesn't want to advance the relationship, he probably has a girlfriend or is cheating in other ways!"

Guys, calm down. There are infinitely more possibilities for this type of behavior, secret girlfriends aren't even nearly always the answer. We've only heard one side of the story, we know nothing about this relationship. Not only that but even the self-told story here implies that the relationship is at least a little one-sided. Maybe (get ready to gasp) the guy is the saint here and OP is the clingy weirdo, and he doesn't find that attractive enough to fully commit and is trying to put the breaks on her.

Not everybody is good at resolving personal conflicts (with themselves or others) for yet another infinite amount of reasons.

There are other possibilities but most of those would at least be spoken about, I'd think...such as I've been hurt before and I want to take it slow or something...?

 

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3 minutes ago, FairreLilette said:

There are other possibilities but most of those would at least be spoken about, I'd think...such as I've been hurt before and I want to take it slow or something...?

"Hey, why don't you wanna move in together?"

"The problem is you."

Who wants to go into this convo? You don't want to hurt them and you especially don't want to have them lash out at you and start harassing/abusing you because they're insulted. Especially not if you're happy with just the way things are right now. Having this conversation is likely to ruin what you have.

Edited by Wulfie Reanimator
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9 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   *Some people.

   I've been involved with a fair few women lately who tried to judge me by how they'd been treated by past partners. I can be sympathetic to their hesitation and fear to some degree, but after a while it becomes apparent that they need to work on themselves, rather than to keep raising their expectations in others. A person who isn't ready to trust, is a person who isn't ready to love. 

   That said, relationships tend to fall apart if there's dissatisfaction and poor communication. But each person should be judged by their own merits, and it's up to the OP to figure out how to navigate their situation - after all, if you judge everyone by your general expectations in humanity, you'll never find out who is that one in a million.

Yes, I should have said some people.  I've just watched a lot of SL relationships fall apart because it's incredibly easy to be deceitful.  Of course not everyone lies.  No one would assume that even with my statement.  It's just so much easier in SL.

The OP DID ask for our opinions.  

7 minutes ago, Wulfie Reanimator said:

Jeeze, go for the nuclear option right away won't you?

"He wants his own place and doesn't want to advance the relationship, he probably has a girlfriend or is cheating in other ways!"

Guys, calm down. There are infinitely more possibilities for this type of behavior, secret girlfriends aren't even nearly always the answer. We've only heard one side of the story, we know nothing about this relationship. Not only that but even the self-told story here implies that the relationship is at least a little one-sided. Maybe (get ready to gasp) the guy is the saint here and OP is the clingy weirdo, and he doesn't find that attractive enough to fully commit and is trying to put the breaks on her.

Not everybody is good at resolving personal conflicts (with themselves or others) for yet another infinite amount of reasons.

Yes, we're only hearing one side and she asked our opinion on THAT side which I gave.  No where did I say it was the right opinion since no one's is.  I actually feel the idea that she might me a bit clingy is probably true.  Someone new with just the one LT relationship in SL doesn't have anything to compare it to.  Being with someone wrong is often better than being alone to some people.

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9 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   If you perceive an SL relationship as RP, then that's not 'love'.

   Besides, it's well established that some people view SL relationships as RP, and that some view them as real relationships, and that some have found their very real significant others through Second Life. 

   You just keep on building off of worst case scenario presumptions, and projecting your own opinions and experiences on a relationship that you aren't a part of. 

Well, she asked and it doesn't sound like he values her because he gave her no reason, so I'm assuming significant other in real life which he may not want to say as it will/could drive her away.  That's terrible communication on his part for one thing to say nothing other than the "let's not fight/we have so little time" plus she didn't say what his other "lame excuses" (her quote) were either.  But, you are right also in there are always those once in a lifetimes that do happen here in SL but I'd think those happened because of far better communication than this.

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2 minutes ago, Wulfie Reanimator said:

"Hey, why don't you wanna move in together?"

"The problem is you."

Who wants to go into this convo? You don't want to hurt them and you especially don't want to have them lash out at you and start harassing/abusing you because they're insulted. Especially not if you're happy with just the way things are right now. Having this conversation is likely to ruin what you have.

Well geez.  If you can't be honest about that....

"You can't move in because I like my independence and prefer to have my own place."

Even when I've been with someone, I've always maintained a place of my own and so have they.  Nothing nefarious about it but I'm honest about it too.

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Sometimes people simply have different expectations, needs and wants from relationships in both worlds. It sadly seems you've found a wall where he is happy with the way things are and you want it to go further. Perhaps take some time to figure out exactly what you want out of a relationship in Second Life. Once you figure it out, be open and honest with him in what you need, want and expect. You need to realize he may not be able to give you these things, but this talk will at least help you to figure out where to go from that point.

It isn't easy, but at least it is being honest with him and yourself.

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I know for sure he's single In RL. 

Besides, I never asked him to be only with me, because I know how lonely it feels when your love is away. I asked him whether he was with other girls, he knows I don't mind, but he said he doesn't want another. I'm not stupid, but I prefer to trust him. Plus I never wanted to live In his house. I have a place too. I like to be independent. I never asked him for money, or to buy me something. He spends most of the time playing games In SL. 

The lame excuses are the different time zones and that it won't work. I just thought we could try at least. 

Also - I am the one who almost broke up with him. 

Thank you again for your opinions, I know it's based on а real experience, and this is important to me. 

Edited by HelenaNavy92
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1 hour ago, HelenaNavy92 said:

The lame excuses are the different time zones and that it won't work. I just thought we could try at least.

from my experiences it's not a lame excuse, for many people it is really hard to keep a relationship for this reason. In special when there are changing circumstances in RL .... working in shifts, moving, other jobs, family, partners.

Also keep in mind, what you write here will be readable and to find for many years .. does he know you talk in public about this?
 

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1 hour ago, HelenaNavy92 said:

The lame excuses are the different time zones and that it won't work. I just thought we could try at least. 

Also - I am the one who almost broke up with him.

You need to remember that you are 2 people with different personalities and realistically speaking don't know each other, only happen to have some sort of online relationship with main objective to have fun together and that's it. Breaking up and pushing limits doesn't sound like having fun and some people log in to SL in order to relax from real life stress and not get into more stressful situations regardless of who is the person causing it. If you both wanted to share a house together in SL that would already have happened.
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