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hun or gent.... First off a Dom/Domme isnt just someone you find on the corner. In the lifestyle, it takes alot of trust and respect built over time(unless you go to an offical dungeon and play there and even then there are limits due to strangers and like) to find someone compatible with you. Most people first coming into the lifestyle, believe that a Dom or Domme auto populates and subs/Slaves follow them no matter what... Neither is true. A real Dom/Domme takes time to be able to know what the sub/slave desires, wants, and needs. This lifestyle honestly is alot more demanding than a marriage(done both and can truly state this). To live this lifestyle as its meant, it is very counter societal while also being fufilling. Think of it this way, most people say that ice cream is better with things added... and you are the say 2% that say its better by itself, you would alway be ignored by society or an outlier to said society.... but those that youve built trust and respect with, would always be supportive. 

Now a good list of qualities to look for in a Dom/Domme:

1. respect your "role" you chose

2. willing to take time to create a true relationship before getting into lifestyle 

3. your personal feelings for individual is not midigated just by oh they are a Dom/Domme

4. You truely feel that the person can and will supply what you desire/need/want in the relationship you desire to have

If want, I can also give lists for sub and slave critrea and also other things. As said, I was at one time a True Master(Dom) and at a young age(not bragging but putting it out there). I do not judge and do not objectify. Too many that look into this lifestyle do that, and forget the meaning behind what each aspect is, and also forget their own reasoning for joining. Truthfully I am not looking to going back to lifestyle as much as I am trying to educate people about it. 

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The prevalence of “Insta-Dom” in SL makes it more difficult as you have to weed through the once who don’t really have experience or the gumption to learn.

Just my suggestion; probably steer clear of anyone who has “Master” as part of their SL name. If someone projects the charisma for that role, you’ll know it and not all the titles or Display Names in the world can cover for the lack of it.

Also be sure you *want* a Dominant. Many people just want a lover to play around with and occasionally venture into Kink.

The larger and more established BDSM groups/clubs are a good place to start. Go meet people, talk about what you’re looking for and what you offer - and see what evolves.

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1 hour ago, Zzevir said:

Your pin number and your mother maiden name. 

666/Lilith (Kidding)

To quote my ex (speaking to me): “What part of Hell did you come from anyway?”

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8 hours ago, Cindy Evanier said:

100%  this! 

 

I have to agree with both of you, though it only quoted one for some reason lol. A real dom doesnt need to overly show their capabilities, Most subs/slaves are drawn to them no matter what, rather it be just friendship or whatever shown. Honestly it is a little distasteful that people that have no idea of lifestyle and its many quirks wanna try to emulate things they will never understand. 

For instance, the fact people arbitrarilly state only a Dom that is male can be called master, or demands to be call that.... just gives me goosebumps when I see someone calling themselves that without warrent(now I have to state on another chat client I did have Master as part of my nickname, but it was reflective of what i was called by those that knew me well). Most true masters/doms/lords/etc... erm yeah not going there because that is actually from what I know is a lifestyle secret that only true members know.... opps, bows head, sorry for almost releasing that.

Another thing that gets me, is people that read certain books or articles online, etc believe they know more about the lifestyle than those that actually live it. Have to be careful of those people because they do not understand the finer points of this lifestyle(or others) and take advantage of that fact to extremes... Then again there are lifestylers that are far worse in many ways but im not going to get into how foolish some people really can be. Just know that most people that go around demanding being called master/lord/mistress/my lady/etc are more often than not those that are not well versed in the lifestyle.

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22 hours ago, Amanda Crisp said:

The prevalence of “Insta-Dom” in SL makes it more difficult as you have to weed through the once who don’t really have experience or the gumption to learn.

Just my suggestion; probably steer clear of anyone who has “Master” as part of their SL name. If someone projects the charisma for that role, you’ll know it and not all the titles or Display Names in the world can cover for the lack of it.

Also be sure you *want* a Dominant. Many people just want a lover to play around with and occasionally venture into Kink.

The larger and more established BDSM groups/clubs are a good place to start. Go meet people, talk about what you’re looking for and what you offer - and see what evolves.

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95% agree with the title Master in the name, but I have found the occasional "lordwhat'sit" and "sirwhatever" that are actually pretty good. As someone who spelled her made up name incorrectly 11+ years ago, sometimes sh** happens with names. And while, yes, you can change to a screen name, sometimes that 11+ yr old name is just YOU after a while, so you keep the "e before i" misspelling, or the sir/lord/master.  I will say, that unless they are doing it ironically (and I know exactly ONE who does so), if they are carting around a whip 24/7 or whatever, a stupid t-shirt, something like that AND a "master" name (or tag they don't take off when not on the group region) then you're probably looking at a poser. 

I never get tired of this one

 

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2 hours ago, Gatogateau said:

sometimes sh** happens with names.

This is true and a relevant story to this thread is my SL bro of 11 years.  When he first joined SL on a whim he just put in a funny name based on what he saw in the fridge moments before (as we know, you imagined back then 1. you could change your name 2. You were only having a look so it wasn't important)  Now 11 years later he is stuck with a name that starts Sir.   He is the LEAST dominant man I know but he is kind and funny and I love him to pieces.  One time years ago I was invited to an SL wedding for my then hostess.  My partner wasn't available so my bro came as my plus 1. He scrubbed up really well in his suit. I didn't think to tell him that she was a babygirl and a lot of her other friends were.  Their eyes lit up when they saw his name 😂  He was completely clueless on that lifestyle and just kept saying to me OMFG Sis all these girls messaging me to dance.  It suddenly clicked with me why and I was giggling away trying to explain it to him while he kept saying OMFG can we leave? dance with me, save me!!  I just spent the whole wedding laughing at all the IMs he was getting. 

So yeah its not always the name.  There are lots of other signs including the size of their belt buckle.  

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12 hours ago, Cindy Evanier said:

This is true and a relevant story to this thread is my SL bro of 11 years.  When he first joined SL on a whim he just put in a funny name based on what he saw in the fridge moments before (as we know, you imagined back then 1. you could change your name 2. You were only having a look so it wasn't important)  Now 11 years later he is stuck with a name that starts Sir.   He is the LEAST dominant man I know but he is kind and funny and I love him to pieces.  One time years ago I was invited to an SL wedding for my then hostess.  My partner wasn't available so my bro came as my plus 1. He scrubbed up really well in his suit. I didn't think to tell him that she was a babygirl and a lot of her other friends were.  Their eyes lit up when they saw his name 😂  He was completely clueless on that lifestyle and just kept saying to me OMFG Sis all these girls messaging me to dance.  It suddenly clicked with me why and I was giggling away trying to explain it to him while he kept saying OMFG can we leave? dance with me, save me!!  I just spent the whole wedding laughing at all the IMs he was getting. 

So yeah its not always the name.  There are lots of other signs including the size of their belt buckle.  

That is a hilarious story!

About 10 years ago I created a male alt just to see how life was on the other side of the D/s slash. I created a good looking male and put him in a good suit. Again this was 10-11 years ago so a male avatar that looked like he cared about appearance was rare. I went to my favorite D/s spot and just sat and looked moody. LoL. Now, this is with a week old avatar! As a female sub at the same place, being the same age, I had gotten very much ignored. It was months before anyone really started talking to me. With the noob male avatar? ZOMG. My IMs blew up, just like you were saying above. I was polite. I said a few domly things. I didn't egg anyone on, nor did I pursue it any further. My experiment was done. It was eye opening. :) But no where as funny as your poor friend's story. :D

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20 minutes ago, Gatogateau said:

That is a hilarious story!

About 10 years ago I created a male alt just to see how life was on the other side of the D/s slash. I created a good looking male and put him in a good suit. Again this was 10-11 years ago so a male avatar that looked like he cared about appearance was rare. I went to my favorite D/s spot and just sat and looked moody. LoL. Now, this is with a week old avatar! As a female sub at the same place, being the same age, I had gotten very much ignored. It was months before anyone really started talking to me. With the noob male avatar? ZOMG. My IMs blew up, just like you were saying above. I was polite. I said a few domly things. I didn't egg anyone on, nor did I pursue it any further. My experiment was done. It was eye opening. :) But no where as funny as your poor friend's story. :D

Things haven't changed much.  I'll go to a certain D/s place to people watch.  The have 'claim days' several times a week.  Strange how most of the men never make an appearance on those days.  I'm sure they've gotten tired of the endless IMs, "Greetings, Sir"  

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1 minute ago, RowanMinx said:

Things haven't changed much.  I'll go to a certain D/s place to people watch.  The have 'claim days' several times a week.  Strange how most of the men never make an appearance on those days.  I'm sure they've gotten tired of the endless IMs, "Greetings, Sir"  

Nope, they haven't changed much. As I said in my original comment here, on page 1, it appears that the D:s ratio is about 1:8, give or take. It is kind of amazing anyone finds a Dom, let alone a good one.

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3 minutes ago, Gatogateau said:

Nope, they haven't changed much. As I said in my original comment here, on page 1, it appears that the D:s ratio is about 1:8, give or take. It is kind of amazing anyone finds a Dom, let alone a good one.

I have no idea if this has anything to do with the whole D/s dynamic but I do notice more women writing in their profiles that they're looking for a partner, dom, master, daddy, sugar daddy, pimp, love of their life.  It's always seemed to me as if they don't feel complete in SL unless they've snagged themselves a man.  I've spent the majority of my time in SL single.  Even now, I do have a partner but he's my BFF too.  We'd partnered before, broke up as his RL got busy, spent some time with this person and that person and decided to be partners again.  But in all that time, I've never needed to have myself attached to anyone.  I think women might feel that D/s gives them a better chance of meeting someone?  I honestly don't know why it's such a big thing in SL.  

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8 minutes ago, RowanMinx said:

I have no idea if this has anything to do with the whole D/s dynamic but I do notice more women writing in their profiles that they're looking for a partner, dom, master, daddy, sugar daddy, pimp, love of their life.  It's always seemed to me as if they don't feel complete in SL unless they've snagged themselves a man.  I've spent the majority of my time in SL single.  Even now, I do have a partner but he's my BFF too.  We'd partnered before, broke up as his RL got busy, spent some time with this person and that person and decided to be partners again.  But in all that time, I've never needed to have myself attached to anyone.  I think women might feel that D/s gives them a better chance of meeting someone?  I honestly don't know why it's such a big thing in SL.  

I think a lot of women turn to SL for sexual action because we all know the risks of doing it in RL, especially if we're looking for someone dominant. So I wouldn't say it's that they feel incomplete in SL without a man as much as I think it might have been an interest in exploring this safely and anonymously that took them there in the first place.

As for why it's hard, I'm with Seicher in that it's a numbers thing. There just always have been way more subs than Doms. I don't know why, but I'm a sub so I certainly understand the appeal.

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scratching ear.... as i read unread ones since last I checked. Question, why does none state D/S/s? dom/sub/slave.... curious as i have seen more people say sub than all three in this thread and others and to me thats ignoring a big part of the lifestyle, unless im just too old school and dont know what the new kids on block are doing anymore, cough cough I know it hasnt been that long since I lived in this lifestyle and actually to some degree regret coming out of it for more "normalcy" cough cough. The comment about being called sir, ive gotta cringe at myself for many reasons. Though I have never as @Amina Sopwith said i dont think its about being needy as much as curiousity... I have seen comments in this thread that show a varient of newish beliefs and thought processes compared to when I was in the lifestyle myself. Also yes Domination in physical can mean many things, but at the end of day... Everything comes down to concent, agreement, personal beliefs, and guidelines before starting such a relationship(kinda like being married in many ways). 

All that being said, I have in past, seen more doms/masters/ whatever you wanna call them, be more idiotic and stupid than anything without realizing. Society has always found this lifestyle a abomination at its core... so its no wonder there are more and more people drawn to it and seeking instruction instead of just acting(mentioned more subs than doms) but at end of day how many doms are really educated enough in lifestyle to take that mantel of instruction or even keeping another in lifestyle.... I believe the Sub rate to Dom is more accurate to show the "turnover" rate in lifestyle today. Am I incorrect in stating this?

 

Also I would like to state this probably will be last response I can give on anything for 24 hrs as its my third response today :D

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4 hours ago, druebey said:

scratching ear.... as i read unread ones since last I checked. Question, why does none state D/S/s? dom/sub/slave.... curious as i have seen more people say sub than all three in this thread and others and to me thats ignoring a big part of the lifestyle,

It is probably just a matter of laziness (myself included). Although I have to say I have not seen it stated as D/S/s. Frankly I don't like that indication of hierarchy of S/s. I've seen it written D/s or M/s or O/p, with all three included like that. Easier to write D/s, and all of the discussions in this thread that allude to D/s also covers the other types. There are more slaves than Masters, more property than Owners, more submissives than Dominants. There are good and bad in all (including the s-types). Much more people in all lives are more interested in D/s than M/s. There's probably more M/s in SL than in RL for a variety of reasons. Or what people think is M/s. Strictly a guess, but I'd think M/s only accounts for no more than 10% of the lifestyle, and I think 10% may be high.

So it isn't "ignoring" the M/s or O/p part of the lifestyle. D/s just covers all of it in this conversation. It gets the point across.

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6 hours ago, RowanMinx said:

I have no idea if this has anything to do with the whole D/s dynamic but I do notice more women writing in their profiles that they're looking for a partner, dom, master, daddy, sugar daddy, pimp, love of their life.  It's always seemed to me as if they don't feel complete in SL unless they've snagged themselves a man.  I've spent the majority of my time in SL single.  Even now, I do have a partner but he's my BFF too.  We'd partnered before, broke up as his RL got busy, spent some time with this person and that person and decided to be partners again.  But in all that time, I've never needed to have myself attached to anyone.  I think women might feel that D/s gives them a better chance of meeting someone?  I honestly don't know why it's such a big thing in SL.  

I don't see anything inherently "wrong" or "needy" about having an "I'm looking" pick because sometimes how else do people know to even start the convo? Although we discussed this above, and yes, it can come across as very needy. Some people ARE needy. Some aren't. It doesn't mean if you are looking you feel incomplete, though. I think for some people it makes SL more enjoyable. Need in that instance? No. Want? Probably. For some people SL (and other virtual) is the only way to do BDSM, for a wide variety of reasons there, too. If BDSM is part of who you are at your core, and not just something to dabble with, and all you have is SL, then I certainly understand letting people know you are looking. Everything is so unique to the person, and there are so many shades of gray (and ugh, not that damned awful book).

6 hours ago, Amina Sopwith said:

I think a lot of women turn to SL for sexual action because we all know the risks of doing it in RL, especially if we're looking for someone dominant. So I wouldn't say it's that they feel incomplete in SL without a man as much as I think it might have been an interest in exploring this safely and anonymously that took them there in the first place.

As for why it's hard, I'm with Seicher in that it's a numbers thing. There just always have been way more subs than Doms. I don't know why, but I'm a sub so I certainly understand the appeal.

And some of us aren't "exploring" we know this is a part of who we are in our genetic level and SL (or virtual) is the only way to express it. But yes, it can be a good place to test the BDSM waters. Also a lousy place.

 

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7 hours ago, RowanMinx said:

Things haven't changed much.  I'll go to a certain D/s place to people watch.  The have 'claim days' several times a week.  Strange how most of the men never make an appearance on those days.  I'm sure they've gotten tired of the endless IMs, "Greetings, Sir"  

I was in one sitting on my Sir's lap the other day and returned a greeting of "Welcome Sir *His Name* and Jordan".  Being polite, I replied and said hello back to the woman who had welcomed me.  She immediately replied with "Welcome Sir Jordan." 😐

Still being called a dude, even AFTER being greeted as a female BY THE SAME PERSON!!!

Edited by Jordan Whitt
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45 minutes ago, Jordan Whitt said:

I was in one sitting on my Sir's lap the other day and returned a greeting of "Welcome Sir *His Name* and Jordan".  Being polite, I replied and said hello back to the woman who had welcomed me.  She immediately replied with "Welcome Sir Jordan." 😐

Still being called a dude, even AFTER being greeted as a female BY THE SAME PERSON!!!

I've read posts here where people don't like this, but if I have to greet people I don't know, I prefer just to poof in and just say, "Hello E/everyone" and then either shut up or talk in such a way I never have to use an honorific. 

But what you describe above is very sloppy on that woman's part.

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I've always found throughout my life that when I least expect it, I find what was missing. I also found who I had been searching my entire life for when I wasn't even looking for him. Almost two years ago now I met my hubby who is my Dominant. Hubby and I met at a ballroom. Neither of us advertised to the other what we were. From the moment he approached me, we became inseparable and slowly got to know one another. He is my bestfriend and things just happened naturally. Trust, respect and love has been built over a lot of long conversations about anything and everything. So much to the point we have taken our relationship to real life. Labels really aren't needed when a Dom and submissive find one another. It tends to fall naturally into place like any other relationship. At least in my experience.

I've been a submissive longer than I wish to think about in both worlds. I only mention in my profile one time anything about it and that is when I talk about my hubby in my picks. No matter what type of relationship you're looking for regarding a Dom, letting it happen naturally is always the healthiest. I think the hardest part perhaps is weeding out those who are fake or mean harm to others. Labels are just that...a label. Take the great advice here offered by others and I really hope you find what you're looking for. ;)

Edited by Dafadilia Wayfarer
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I've just remembered once, a long time ago, exploring a place dedicated to BDSM play. Nobody else was around. After a while, a guy appeared. I checked out his profile. He declared himself a true Dominant Master in both SL and RL, who had recently enjoyed "breaking" a string of Dommes, and who was so masterful and powerful that women would have to message him first if they were going to get even the slightest chance of the honour of surrendering to him. I ignored him, obviously, and carried on checking the place out, but I gradually came to realise he had followed me and had been standing very close to me for quite a long time.

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On 10/22/2020 at 3:16 PM, RowanMinx said:

We'd partnered before, broke up as his RL got busy, spent some time with this person and that person and decided to be partners again.

I meant to comment on this earlier, but: me. 

We seem to have even more in common. THIS is exactly what happened to me. Met an awesome Master, took it slow, things were great. COVID changed everything for him and his schedule. We sadly parted ways. I tried to "move on"... DISASTROUSLY. (oy, like baaaaaaad). And wait, wut? Out of the blue HE came back and HE wants to try with ME again. Swoon.  Very happy. Fingers crossed. His schedule is still messed up and I hope it doesn't end up as still being unworkable.

Do I *need* a dominant? Depends on how you define "need."  I've spent many a year in SL without a significant other. Does having a good one enhance not only my SL but just my LIFE? Hellyeah. I am not in a place or situation where RL is available any more.

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