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Does SL past or promiscuity matter when things move into RL


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On 10/9/2020 at 4:07 PM, gemstaruk said:

I met this woman who was new to sl. she was sweet and innocent. we met 3 weeks into her joining sl. She Portrayed herself to be genuine, honest and sharing the same values as I did. We eventually got into an SL relationship and build a home together. I am big on monogamy, trust and being loyal to who I choose to spend my time in sl with. I am picky like that and I feel we spoke and talked about things in great detail before moving things forward. I was assured that we were on the same page.

After a short period (2 months) things moved into RL where we met and we got into a RL relationship and I couldnt be more happier. We've been together 4 months now irl and we spend most (if not all) of her free time together. We get on really well. 

I now find out that she was all about men and sex on sl when she joined. She did it all while maintaining her innocence to me. She also cheated on me on sl whilst we were living together in sl.

I now feel like I was tricked into meeting her irl. had I known what I know now about her, I most likely would not have met her irl or even shared a home with her in sl. 

I confronted her about this. For most part she doesnt want to talk about it. Says it was only sl and it didnt mean anything to her though it was the foundation of our relationship (sl and rl). She says she wasnt truly sure what sl was and only when she met me irl that she knew and wanted to be with me. From her perspective sl was nothing too serious but I am now struggling to trust this person 100%. I worry if they are like that irl. Our rl relationship is wonderful and I dont want to ruin it if she was indeed just exploring but at the same time I dont want to get hurt. Dont people do things in sl that they would love to do irl given the opportunity? Its a lot easier right?

I am so close at ending my rl relationship with her because of her sl history. 

When it comes to other people's history, the reality is no one is perfect. It's likely that she found you because she was exploring. What's most important IMO is whether or not she was honest. Did she mislead you into thinking she wasn't playing around on sl or was it just you assuming she wasn't.

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Sounds like you both moved way too fast, SL has a tendency to that to people.  She clearly wanted to "explore" more in SL whilst also enjoying your company & felt that telling you the truth of her

using SL as RL dating agency rarely works well .. In spite of some publicity seem to show, the couples where it worked to move a SL relation to RL, is super rare.  ... nah, can't be surprised.  

Dishonesty about core values is a major red flag. Those that claim sl is morally different are unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. Exceptions to one's integrity in sl are first and for

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I'm responding to this as though it is a legitimate question and to further thoughtful discourse.

A relationship in SL should not be the *foundation* of a relationship in RL.   A RL relationship should be founded in mutual communication, honesty, trust, and respect.  Which is not to say that those aspects are not also important in SL.  What needs to be considered is that people use SL for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways.  It's a virtual world that can serve as an extension of one's real life or as an escape from it.  Some people use it to be entirely different from themselves (personality, gender, sexuality, species) or to be themselves, maybe just better.  Some use it as a way to do things they can't in real life due to circumstances such as disability, anxiety, obligations, to name a few.  And some people use it as a way to connect with others and to explore shared interests.

It is very generous to believe that anyone in SL is genuine in how they present themselves in SL, that the person they're showing you onscreen is the same person they are in real life.

It's lovely to make friends and to build connections.

It's sweet to believe the best in people.

It's arrogant to impose your standards for using SL onto anyone else.

It's judgemental to dismiss the person you've come to know in real life because of how they have used SL.

It would be short-sighted, immature, and unnecessarily destructive to end a relationship without some self-reflection, examination and honest communication about expectations and boundaries with the other party.  

Yes, some people view SL as a game, and are flexible in their morals and character in a way they wouldn't be in real life.  I'm not saying that's right, but I am saying that it would behoove us all to keep that in consideration.

I think that what may have been meant by the earlier analogies of mmorpgs was not to compare a virtual world with an online game, but to illustrate that SL is not the only online vehicle in which real connections have been made and real life relationships forged.

We each show the world the face we want them to see.  All too often, that face is the one we *think* someone wants to see.  Society and family have conditioned us to tamp down our true, authentic selves in order to fill a role.  It is a struggle to just be who we really are when we've spent a lifetime being who we thought someone else wanted us to be.

In SL, we can do both.  We can be our authentic selves, or we can fill a role.  We can even be who we've always wanted to be, and then do a 180 down the line.  The virtual world is our oyster.  🌼

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On 10/9/2020 at 3:02 PM, Caroline Takeda said:

Would you end a (wonderful)relationship, because of a history in WOW, Toom Raider or Call of Duty?

I totally understand what you are trying to explain to our young fellow but i think there are some... key differences between Call of Duty...

and Second Life..  (always in regards to gameplay.) That is probably why he is a little bit frustrated, he will get over it though.

maxresdefault.thumb.jpg.39ea6256b1bb0ceb21160d4c8c1af49b.jpg

Edited by Nick0678
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21 hours ago, Taern905 said:

It's arrogant to impose your standards for using SL onto anyone else.

It's judgemental to dismiss the person you've come to know in real life because of how they have used SL.

It would be short-sighted, immature, and unnecessarily destructive to end a relationship without some self-reflection, examination and honest communication about expectations and boundaries with the other party.  

Yes, some people view SL as a game, and are flexible in their morals and character in a way they wouldn't be in real life.  I'm not saying that's right, but I am saying that it would behoove us all to keep that in consideration.

I think that what may have been meant by the earlier analogies of mmorpgs was not to compare a virtual world with an online game, but to illustrate that SL is not the only online vehicle in which real connections have been made and real life relationships forged.

We each show the world the face we want them to see.  All too often, that face is the one we *think* someone wants to see.  Society and family have conditioned us to tamp down our true, authentic selves in order to fill a role.  It is a struggle to just be who we really are when we've spent a lifetime being who we thought someone else wanted us to be.

It isn't arrogant to have preferences and standards. It isn't imposing if he only expects those values from the woman he's in a relationship with. What's actually arrogant is that she felt she had a right to take up his time and heart based on a lie. Her desire to cheat was more important than his feelings. That's arrogance.

To be concerned about lying in his most intimate connection isn't immature. There's no gray area for breaching the op's clearly defined boundaries numerous times.

How many lies did she tell him to continue cheating behind his back? Each time she made the choice to lie she eroded his trust. That's disrespectful. She isn't entitled to what he had to offer simply because she decided to "explore" herself in secret.

Call me old fashioned but it doesn't change how important honesty and respect is in all spaces. Even gamified ones.

At the end of the day choices made online are extensions of our rl selves. There's no way to separate the two in a logical way.

This doesn't mean a person is unable to grow. But one cannot truly grow without owning one's misdeeds to the fullest, acknowledging how those misdeeds have harmed others, and trying one's best to not repeat said misdeeds again.

--------------------

I'm no paragon of virtue. I've made many mistakes when interacting with others, and will continue to make many more. In all kinds of relationships. Be it family, friends, or lovers. I don't excuse or sugarcoat my actions. When I've done wrong, I've done wrong. I own my actions, and try to make it right to the person I hurt. Guess what I'm trying to say the most is that mental gymnastics are confusing. I find them hard to follow and understand.

Though I genuinely hope op gives his relationship time to evolve, since they're already together irl.

Edited by Pomeline Pancake
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A relationship is similar to running a business, so let's say you have a Second Life business partner and they are caught stealing money from the company account.
Would you also trust them as a business partner in Real Life and have access to the bank accounts? You already know the answer.
 
Have fun, sex whatever together and once you get out of the infatuation period, move on.
Next time you will be more relaxed about relationships. That's how experience is build.
 
(and don't forget to always use a condom, she is a girlfriend not your wife.)
Edited by Nick0678
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i think being open and honest in a relationship in RL is important.  Being open and honest in your SL relationship is important too.    I understand why it bothers you also.  A lie is a lie.  She wasn't forthcoming about it before you met especially since she thought it was no big deal.  Doesn't make a difference if you are telling lies about bumping pixels or stealing the last cookies to taking money from your wallet. but you need to make your own decision on whether this affects your relationship or not.  I can't tell you what to do.  

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On 10/11/2020 at 1:07 PM, Pomeline Pancake said:

Call me old fashioned but it doesn't change how important honesty and respect is in all spaces. Even gamified ones.

At the end of the day choices made online are extensions of our rl selves. There's no way to separate the two in a logical way.

 

You are old fashioned. 🙂

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At the end of the day choices made online are extensions of our rl selves. There's no way to separate the two in a logical way.

What happened to "Your World, Your Imagination" then?

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OP is the most ineffective troll I've ever seen. 

But, if I were to take OP's message seriously: don't move too fast, in real life or on Second Life. You don't really know a person until you know a person, if you know what I mean. And even then people have a tendency to surprise you. 

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It is worrisome is that she cheated on the OP during their SL relationship. It might be in her nature to look for fun elsewhere. Nobody is perfect but there are some flaws that are not easily forgivable. Only the OP can decide on thIs. 

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I married my sl husband of 9 years in real life in 2016.  The fact is that I spent three years getting to know him before we met in real life and he subsequently came to visit me in the US numerous times. I now live in the UK with him and we’ve been marrried for 4.5 years.  So in total we’ve been together 13.5 years.  Not everyone is meant to last and if she cheated then dump her ass and move on 

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If you're so close to ending it, why not do just that? Seems to me like you've made up your mind about it all.   You said it yourself that you don't trust her, and now thanks to her your trust in others on sl will be challenged.

Personally for me? I wouldn't let it bother me to the point of thinking of breaking up with her.

 Would I be upset she lied? Yeah, of course that's a reasonable reaction... Providing it was DURING our relationship. Before hand? Don't care. That's their time. 

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I'm just now getting back to the forums after dealing with RL and this thread caught my attention. My comments are strictly to the OP. I'm not gonna comment on anyone else's advice whether I agree with them or not. I'm only going to tell you straight to the point how I'd handle the situation right or wrong. Now assuming she moved in with you I'd say your first mistake my friend was giving her the choice. It's either we discuss this like adults or pack your crap and get the fork out. Period. Bottom line. End of story. Don't pass go. Don't collect $200 dollars. Don't go away mad. Just go away. lol I'd be like I was single when you moved in and I can be single when you move out. lol Don't you NEVER compromise your principles for no one. EVER. Your in the relationship already now. So if she can't be honest and open and up front about EVERYTHING then cut her behind loose on the spot and find someone else. I personally don't do secretes of any kind especially with someone who actually lives with me.😎

Just sit her down and tell her I want the relationship to work, but I need to know your on the level with me. Now if she can't respect that and be honest with you then at the end of the day she doesn't respect you and you need cut her loose mate. Now that all that having been said if you want the relationship to work then you need to be willing to over look and forgive her for whatever she tells you no matter how bad it irks you. Vent it out one time if you must and let that mess go. Make sure she has the express understanding of the value of complete and total honesty in your relationship from that point on. I'm one of them people who can forgive almost anything. I'm just not one of those people that can tolerate someone playing me like some fool and then have the audacity to tell me they ain't going to talk about them skeletons in that closet they created at my expense. Take some dynamite and blow that closet up my friend. lol Good luck mate.😎

Edited by Velk Kerang
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I see this is an older thread.

I cannot understand why she would tell the OP that?  All it's going to do is make waves for the relationship.  Also, what was the reason she needed to see other people in SL all the while it seems the OP is saying they had an understood exclusive relationship and/or even a love relationship.  

She's a wave maker, in my opinion, both in SL and RL.  She may lack confidence in herself or it could be many reasons, perhaps she liked attention and money (lindens) from guys.  But, I think she shows a lack of maturity for an exclusive relationship just in making the waves she has now made for herself and you.  

If I put the shoe on my foot, I'd be hurt too and questioning all the waves being brought into what should be a happy start to a rl relationship.  If she's after a lot of attention and money (lindens) from SL, she will cheat on you again when you are not home or around, if not already has, and that is why she is trying to say SL is just "a game".   She may be trying to justify there is a difference so she can do it again - fool around on SL while she now lives with you.  

Edited by JanuarySwan
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8 minutes ago, Amina Sopwith said:

I like the fact that the forums now have a little interlude when a thread has been still for a while, telling you how long it was before someone resurrected it.

Everything old is new again.  But yes, nice new feature.  🤔🙄

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If it's an issue for you now it's gonna continue to be an issue. Fact she said she doesn't wanna talk about it isn't a good sign imo. Your call, but with how fast things moved anyways I'm not so shocked.

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3 hours ago, Amina Sopwith said:

I like the fact that the forums now have a little interlude when a thread has been still for a while, telling you how long it was before someone resurrected it.

And I always read that little notice in the French accent from SpongeBob...."Two weeks later"

Edited by TT120
typo
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My bad people. I just seen the thread only down a few from the last one posted. Didn't bother to read the actual date on it as I was just to tired to care. Just read the post itself and weighed in on it. Better late then never I guess. lol Sorry if that actually irked some of you. lol😎

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