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Does SL past or promiscuity matter when things move into RL


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On 10/9/2020 at 4:07 PM, gemstaruk said:

I met this woman who was new to sl. she was sweet and innocent. we met 3 weeks into her joining sl. She Portrayed herself to be genuine, honest and sharing the same values as I did. We eventually got into an SL relationship and build a home together. I am big on monogamy, trust and being loyal to who I choose to spend my time in sl with. I am picky like that and I feel we spoke and talked about things in great detail before moving things forward. I was assured that we were on the same page.

After a short period (2 months) things moved into RL where we met and we got into a RL relationship and I couldnt be more happier. We've been together 4 months now irl and we spend most (if not all) of her free time together. We get on really well. 

I now find out that she was all about men and sex on sl when she joined. She did it all while maintaining her innocence to me. She also cheated on me on sl whilst we were living together in sl.

I now feel like I was tricked into meeting her irl. had I known what I know now about her, I most likely would not have met her irl or even shared a home with her in sl. 

I confronted her about this. For most part she doesnt want to talk about it. Says it was only sl and it didnt mean anything to her though it was the foundation of our relationship (sl and rl). She says she wasnt truly sure what sl was and only when she met me irl that she knew and wanted to be with me. From her perspective sl was nothing too serious but I am now struggling to trust this person 100%. I worry if they are like that irl. Our rl relationship is wonderful and I dont want to ruin it if she was indeed just exploring but at the same time I dont want to get hurt. Dont people do things in sl that they would love to do irl given the opportunity? Its a lot easier right?

I am so close at ending my rl relationship with her because of her sl history. 

When it comes to other people's history, the reality is no one is perfect. It's likely that she found you because she was exploring. What's most important IMO is whether or not she was honest. Did she mislead you into thinking she wasn't playing around on sl or was it just you assuming she wasn't.

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I'm responding to this as though it is a legitimate question and to further thoughtful discourse.

A relationship in SL should not be the *foundation* of a relationship in RL.   A RL relationship should be founded in mutual communication, honesty, trust, and respect.  Which is not to say that those aspects are not also important in SL.  What needs to be considered is that people use SL for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways.  It's a virtual world that can serve as an extension of one's real life or as an escape from it.  Some people use it to be entirely different from themselves (personality, gender, sexuality, species) or to be themselves, maybe just better.  Some use it as a way to do things they can't in real life due to circumstances such as disability, anxiety, obligations, to name a few.  And some people use it as a way to connect with others and to explore shared interests.

It is very generous to believe that anyone in SL is genuine in how they present themselves in SL, that the person they're showing you onscreen is the same person they are in real life.

It's lovely to make friends and to build connections.

It's sweet to believe the best in people.

It's arrogant to impose your standards for using SL onto anyone else.

It's judgemental to dismiss the person you've come to know in real life because of how they have used SL.

It would be short-sighted, immature, and unnecessarily destructive to end a relationship without some self-reflection, examination and honest communication about expectations and boundaries with the other party.  

Yes, some people view SL as a game, and are flexible in their morals and character in a way they wouldn't be in real life.  I'm not saying that's right, but I am saying that it would behoove us all to keep that in consideration.

I think that what may have been meant by the earlier analogies of mmorpgs was not to compare a virtual world with an online game, but to illustrate that SL is not the only online vehicle in which real connections have been made and real life relationships forged.

We each show the world the face we want them to see.  All too often, that face is the one we *think* someone wants to see.  Society and family have conditioned us to tamp down our true, authentic selves in order to fill a role.  It is a struggle to just be who we really are when we've spent a lifetime being who we thought someone else wanted us to be.

In SL, we can do both.  We can be our authentic selves, or we can fill a role.  We can even be who we've always wanted to be, and then do a 180 down the line.  The virtual world is our oyster.  🌼

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On 10/9/2020 at 3:02 PM, Caroline Takeda said:

Would you end a (wonderful)relationship, because of a history in WOW, Toom Raider or Call of Duty?

I totally understand what you are trying to explain to our young fellow but i think there are some... key differences between Call of Duty...

and Second Life..  (always in regards to gameplay.) That is probably why he is a little bit frustrated, he will get over it though.

maxresdefault.thumb.jpg.39ea6256b1bb0ceb21160d4c8c1af49b.jpg

Edited by Nick0678
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21 hours ago, Taern905 said:

It's arrogant to impose your standards for using SL onto anyone else.

It's judgemental to dismiss the person you've come to know in real life because of how they have used SL.

It would be short-sighted, immature, and unnecessarily destructive to end a relationship without some self-reflection, examination and honest communication about expectations and boundaries with the other party.  

Yes, some people view SL as a game, and are flexible in their morals and character in a way they wouldn't be in real life.  I'm not saying that's right, but I am saying that it would behoove us all to keep that in consideration.

I think that what may have been meant by the earlier analogies of mmorpgs was not to compare a virtual world with an online game, but to illustrate that SL is not the only online vehicle in which real connections have been made and real life relationships forged.

We each show the world the face we want them to see.  All too often, that face is the one we *think* someone wants to see.  Society and family have conditioned us to tamp down our true, authentic selves in order to fill a role.  It is a struggle to just be who we really are when we've spent a lifetime being who we thought someone else wanted us to be.

It isn't arrogant to have preferences and standards. It isn't imposing if he only expects those values from the woman he's in a relationship with. What's actually arrogant is that she felt she had a right to take up his time and heart based on a lie. Her desire to cheat was more important than his feelings. That's arrogance.

To be concerned about lying in his most intimate connection isn't immature. There's no gray area for breaching the op's clearly defined boundaries numerous times.

How many lies did she tell him to continue cheating behind his back? Each time she made the choice to lie she eroded his trust. That's disrespectful. She isn't entitled to what he had to offer simply because she decided to "explore" herself in secret.

Call me old fashioned but it doesn't change how important honesty and respect is in all spaces. Even gamified ones.

At the end of the day choices made online are extensions of our rl selves. There's no way to separate the two in a logical way.

This doesn't mean a person is unable to grow. But one cannot truly grow without owning one's misdeeds to the fullest, acknowledging how those misdeeds have harmed others, and trying one's best to not repeat said misdeeds again.

--------------------

I'm no paragon of virtue. I've made many mistakes when interacting with others, and will continue to make many more. In all kinds of relationships. Be it family, friends, or lovers. I don't excuse or sugarcoat my actions. When I've done wrong, I've done wrong. I own my actions, and try to make it right to the person I hurt. Guess what I'm trying to say the most is that mental gymnastics are confusing. I find them hard to follow and understand.

Though I genuinely hope op gives his relationship time to evolve, since they're already together irl.

Edited by Pomeline Pancake
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A relationship is similar to running a business, so let's say you have a Second Life business partner and they are caught stealing money from the company account.
Would you also trust them as a business partner in Real Life and have access to the bank accounts? You already know the answer.
 
Have fun, sex whatever together and once you get out of the infatuation period, move on.
Next time you will be more relaxed about relationships. That's how experience is build.
 
(and don't forget to always use a condom, she is a girlfriend not your wife.)
Edited by Nick0678
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i think being open and honest in a relationship in RL is important.  Being open and honest in your SL relationship is important too.    I understand why it bothers you also.  A lie is a lie.  She wasn't forthcoming about it before you met especially since she thought it was no big deal.  Doesn't make a difference if you are telling lies about bumping pixels or stealing the last cookies to taking money from your wallet. but you need to make your own decision on whether this affects your relationship or not.  I can't tell you what to do.  

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On 10/11/2020 at 1:07 PM, Pomeline Pancake said:

Call me old fashioned but it doesn't change how important honesty and respect is in all spaces. Even gamified ones.

At the end of the day choices made online are extensions of our rl selves. There's no way to separate the two in a logical way.

 

You are old fashioned. 🙂

Quote

At the end of the day choices made online are extensions of our rl selves. There's no way to separate the two in a logical way.

What happened to "Your World, Your Imagination" then?

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OP is the most ineffective troll I've ever seen. 

But, if I were to take OP's message seriously: don't move too fast, in real life or on Second Life. You don't really know a person until you know a person, if you know what I mean. And even then people have a tendency to surprise you. 

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10 hours ago, Caroline Takeda said:

You are old fashioned. 🙂

What happened to "Your World, Your Imagination" then?

Regarding respect, yes ma'am.

SL you isn't autonomous from rl you. Both are inextricably linked.

 

Edited by Pomeline Pancake
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It is worrisome is that she cheated on the OP during their SL relationship. It might be in her nature to look for fun elsewhere. Nobody is perfect but there are some flaws that are not easily forgivable. Only the OP can decide on thIs. 

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I married my sl husband of 9 years in real life in 2016.  The fact is that I spent three years getting to know him before we met in real life and he subsequently came to visit me in the US numerous times. I now live in the UK with him and we’ve been marrried for 4.5 years.  So in total we’ve been together 13.5 years.  Not everyone is meant to last and if she cheated then dump her ass and move on 

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