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Does SL past or promiscuity matter when things move into RL


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I met this woman who was new to sl. she was sweet and innocent. we met 3 weeks into her joining sl. She Portrayed herself to be genuine, honest and sharing the same values as I did. We eventually got into an SL relationship and build a home together. I am big on monogamy, trust and being loyal to who I choose to spend my time in sl with. I am picky like that and I feel we spoke and talked about things in great detail before moving things forward. I was assured that we were on the same page.

After a short period (2 months) things moved into RL where we met and we got into a RL relationship and I couldnt be more happier. We've been together 4 months now irl and we spend most (if not all) of her free time together. We get on really well. 

I now find out that she was all about men and sex on sl when she joined. She did it all while maintaining her innocence to me. She also cheated on me on sl whilst we were living together in sl.

I now feel like I was tricked into meeting her irl. had I known what I know now about her, I most likely would not have met her irl or even shared a home with her in sl. 

I confronted her about this. For most part she doesnt want to talk about it. Says it was only sl and it didnt mean anything to her though it was the foundation of our relationship (sl and rl). She says she wasnt truly sure what sl was and only when she met me irl that she knew and wanted to be with me. From her perspective sl was nothing too serious but I am now struggling to trust this person 100%. I worry if they are like that irl. Our rl relationship is wonderful and I dont want to ruin it if she was indeed just exploring but at the same time I dont want to get hurt. Dont people do things in sl that they would love to do irl given the opportunity? Its a lot easier right?

I am so close at ending my rl relationship with her because of her sl history. 

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Sounds like you both moved way too fast, SL has a tendency to that to people.  She clearly wanted to "explore" more in SL whilst also enjoying your company & felt that telling you the truth of her

Dishonesty about core values is a major red flag. Those that claim sl is morally different are unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. Exceptions to one's integrity in sl are first and for

using SL as RL dating agency rarely works well .. In spite of some publicity seem to show, the couples where it worked to move a SL relation to RL, is super rare.  ... nah, can't be surprised.  

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Well... if you keep confronting her about her SL or RL sexual activities at the time that the 2 of you were playing SL you won't need to think a lot about ending the "relationship", she will do that for you.
Just do your daily activities/responsibilities/career stuff and of course don't forget your friends, she will do her own stuff and both of you can be together whenever you are in the mood to have some fun time. (do not treat or see her like she is your future wife, she is not and no you shouldn't "trust" anyone that you don't know).
Simply relax and enjoy it. If her personality (and choices) bother you that much.. well just move on.
 
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Sounds like you both moved way too fast, SL has a tendency to that to people.  She clearly wanted to "explore" more in SL whilst also enjoying your company & felt that telling you the truth of her activities there would drive you away & on that she would have been right, yes ?   

You need to pull back & get some perspective.  Nick is right, you shouldn't fully trust someone that you don't know (especially in SL), that takes time, now you feel that your trust in her has already been compromised & I understand that. So yeah, do what Nick says, try to relax & enjoy it & if you continue to feel uncomfortable about things do yourselves both a favour, call it quits & chalk it up to experience.

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3 hours ago, gemstaruk said:

I dont want to get hurt.

SL and RL is filled with possible disappointments for anyone of us. What we can do against, is to adapt ourselves and finding even better ways to live our lives.
Try to give her the space and freedom she needs to explore. She wont love you less because of that - its probably quite the opposite.
Youll truly win someones heart, when you let that person go, waiting for her to come back on her own, and not by claiming her being your property.

That will be hard for you the first time, and maybe it wont work for you at all, but its worth the effort :)

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Dishonesty about core values is a major red flag. Those that claim sl is morally different are unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. Exceptions to one's integrity in sl are first and foremost decisions made in a person's irl mind. It's natural to have doubts.

But people make mistakes all the time. There's room to grow and change. Maybe if she apologizes and respects your relationship boundaries from this point on, let it go. Ask her to protect and nurture your relationship by avoiding temptations in the future. Genuine connection and love is rare. If you can move forward, do it and be happy together irl.

In my sl to rl situation, she lost interest in sl years ago. I don't worry about her wanting to find a side piece, but the extra layer of security is still nice. Maybe the both of you could limit your time in sl? Idk. Ymmv.

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25 minutes ago, Alwin Alcott said:

using SL as RL dating agency rarely works well ..
In spite of some publicity seem to show, the couples where it worked to move a SL relation to RL, is super rare.
 ... nah, can't be surprised.

Yes but these things happen all the time in RL as well and i really don't get it why people have that urge to jump in a relationship in order to just spend some time together. Personally i wouldn't mind about what she did in SL or her RL, so if i liked her and we had a good time together i would just keep on dating her and enjoy it until we either get bored or get closer. Whatever comes first.
But that's me, in this case i think this young lad is a bit hurt (it's not something serious, just a bit of his ego) but i am sure he will be fine.
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6 hours ago, gemstaruk said:

I confronted her about this. For most part she doesnt want to talk about it. Says it was only sl and it didnt mean anything to her though it was the foundation of our relationship (sl and rl). She says she wasnt truly sure what sl was and only when she met me irl that she knew and wanted to be with me. From her perspective sl was nothing too serious

Basically what she is saying, in the beginning it was just a game. A sex game. Obviously for you it was much more than that. Do yourself a favour and accept her perception of the "game". 
 

Quote

 

 Our rl relationship is wonderful and I dont want to ruin it if she was indeed just exploring


 

This is what counts!
 

Quote

 

but at the same time I dont want to get hurt.


 

That risk exist in every relationship. Accept it.

Quote

Dont people do things in sl that they would love to do irl given the opportunity? Its a lot easier right?

No. The opposite is the case. people do things in SL they probably would never even consider in RL . I am an example for that.

Quote

I am so close at ending my rl relationship with her because of her sl history. 

Let me put that into perspective:

Would you end a (wonderful)relationship, because of a history in WOW, Toom Raider or Call of Duty?
Try to really understand and genuinely accept her perception of SL and talk to her about your fears and concerns.

Ending it also involves a big risk: loss, unhappiness, lonlyness and the everlasting thought if you have done her wrong.

In Short:

This is NOT a reason to bin it. Repair it instead.

 

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4 hours ago, Caroline Takeda said:

Let me put that into perspective:

Would you end a (wonderful)relationship, because of a history in WOW, Toom Raider or Call of Duty?
Try to really understand and genuinely accept her perception of SL and talk to her about your fears and concerns.

Ending it also involves a big risk: loss, unhappiness, lonlyness and the everlasting thought if you have done her wrong.

In Short:

This is NOT a reason to bin it. Repair it instead.

 

 

SL isn't Call of Duty. You wouldn't be able to work as a prostitute that runs an escort agency in Tomb Raider. It's flippant to compare real games to a virtual world.

His gf agreed to his values and took sl seriously enough to be with him in real life. The "game" isn't as frivolous as she claims. She wouldn't have met the op otherwise.

If a partner says sl cheating counts as cheating, it's a legit deal-breaker. Everyone is allowed to make boundaries within reason, and have their partner respect them.

He doesn't need to repair their broken trust. It's 100% on his girlfriend to earn it again.

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1 hour ago, Pomeline Pancake said:

SL isn't Call of Duty. You wouldn't be able to work as a prostitute that runs an escort agency in Tomb Raider.

I know what you want to express... but god damn it, as a gamer at heart, this is such a stupid analogy.

Lets strip away this Second Life high horsery: At its core, Second Life, Call of Duty and Tomb Raider all share, that they are virtual entertainment products, which employ differently designed concepts to give their users options for entertainment. Call of Duty and Tomb Raider feature a more structured and definied concept for their entertainment, while Second Life has probably the most open concept. Its a social sandbox environment. But does an open concept make a product superior to a closed concept? Absolutly not, or Minecraft would be by default superior to anything, that doesn't give you the option to freely build. Neither does a strong social aspect make a product superior. For all it counts, both could have also met in Call of Duty.

To get back to the case at hand: Here are two users who used SL differently. It is legit to use SL as a detached form of entertainment, where one does things they wouldn't do in RL and where things stay "SL only". She shouldn't be charged for having used SL this way prior to getting into something serious with him. If it is a problem for him, its his issue, not hers.

But his text makes it seem like she continued her ways after things between them were getting serious and there are basically two options here:

a) Either she cheated on him, fully aware how he felt about their (at this point purely virtual) relationship.

or

b) She wasn't on the same page as him, when it came to the seriousness of their relationship and communication between them wasn't clear and upfront enough.

To the OP: I'm not sure if you just posted to vent a bit of steam or if you actually seek advice. So here are my two cents on it, in case its the latter. Your relationship with her reads as very rushed. This isn't uncommon for SL, but not good, when things are supposed to be taken to RL. To me it reads like she wasn't looking for something with RL potential, until she got closer to you. But what counts are your feelings now. You need to figure out, if you are too hurt about all of this or if you can overcome it. Feelings can't be reasoned with after all.

Edited by Syo Emerald
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49 minutes ago, Pomeline Pancake said:

He doesn't need to repair their broken trust. It's 100% on his girlfriend to earn it again.

 
I definitely agree with you on that, he doesn't have to repair anything, the girl has definitely failed from the beginning on the trust part since they had an agreement (relationship).
Now realistically speaking all he has to do is face the truth which is the same for everyone on this planet "You never know what the other person is doing" so it's best to enjoy the time spend together without having the "we are in a serious relationship" way of thinking, that will be better for both. (after all we are talking about 2 people having some dates etc for 4 months, not a family with kids together or a long term relationship.)
 
Of course if he is the type of person who looks for a "soulmate" and such stuff from day 1 well .. it is what it is, no need to sugar coat it.
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39 minutes ago, Syo Emerald said:

I know what you want to express... but god damn it, as a gamer at heart, this is such a stupid analogy.

Lets strip away this Second Life high horsery: At its core, Second Life, Call of Duty and Tomb Raider all share, that they are virtual entertainment products, which employ differently designed concepts to give their users options for entertainment. Call of Duty and Tomb Raider feature a more structured and definied concept for their entertainment, while Second Life has probably the most open concept. Its a social sandbox environment. But does an open concept make a product superior to a closed concept? Absolutly not, or Minecraft would be by default superior to anything, that doesn't give you the option to freely build. Neither does a strong social aspect make a product superior. For all it counts, both could have also met in Call of Duty.

To get back to the case at hand: Here are two users who used SL differently. It is legit to use SL as a detached form of entertainment, where one does things they wouldn't do in RL and where things stay "SL only". She shouldn't be charged for having used SL this way prior to getting into something serious with him. If it is a problem for him, its his issue, not hers.

But his text makes it seem like she continued her ways after things between them were getting serious and there are basically two options here:

a) Either she cheated on him, fully aware how he felt about their (at this point purely virtual) relationship.

or

b) She wasn't on the same page as him, when it came to the seriousness of their relationship and communication between them wasn't clear and upfront enough.

To the OP: I'm not sure if you just posted to vent a bit of steam or if you actually seek advice. So here are my two cents on it, in case its the latter. Your relationship with her reads as very rushed. This isn't uncommon for SL, but not good, when things are supposed to be taken to RL. To me it reads like she wasn't looking for something with RL potential, until she got closer to you. But what counts are your feelings now. You need to figure out, if you are too hurt about all of this or if you can overcome it. Feelings can't be reasoned with after all.

I'm also a gamer, and not implying that sl is superior. Graphically and in many other aspects, absolutely not. But having a real life simulation where people interact with other real people and build lives much like they would in real is going to hit differently. Psychologically and emotionally.

"She Portrayed herself to be genuine, honest and sharing the same values as I did. We eventually got into an SL relationship and build a home together. I am big on monogamy, trust and being loyal to who I choose to spend my time in sl with. I am picky like that and I feel we spoke and talked about things in great detail before moving things forward. I was assured that we were on the same page."

"I now find out that she was all about men and sex on sl when she joined. She did it all while maintaining her innocence to me. She also cheated on me on sl whilst we were living together in sl."

He believed they were on the same page, and considers what happened to be cheating.

Edited by Pomeline Pancake
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New topic by a new forum user that mentions the often contentious subject of cheating in SL and how it relates to RL -- and the OP never returns for any other comments in the 13 hours that the thread has been open.

Yep, likely trolling

 

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32 minutes ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

New topic by a new forum user that mentions the often contentious subject of cheating in SL and how it relates to RL -- and the OP never returns for any other comments in the 13 hours that the thread has been open.

Yep, likely trolling

 

Maybe they're trying to sort through all the advice to pick the one they like best?

Nah, you're probably right.

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8 hours ago, Caroline Takeda said:

Basically what she is saying, in the beginning it was just a game. A sex game. Obviously for you it was much more than that. Do yourself a favour and accept her perception of the "game". 
 

This is what counts!
 

That risk exist in every relationship. Accept it.

No. The opposite is the case. people do things in SL they probably would never even consider in RL . I am an example for that.

Let me put that into perspective:

Would you end a (wonderful)relationship, because of a history in WOW, Toom Raider or Call of Duty?
Try to really understand and genuinely accept her perception of SL and talk to her about your fears and concerns.

Ending it also involves a big risk: loss, unhappiness, lonlyness and the everlasting thought if you have done her wrong.

In Short:

This is NOT a reason to bin it. Repair it instead.

If this is real, that's all terrible advice.

Lying is lying, doesn't matter if it's in a video game, phone call, or in person. You can't build a relationship on lies. And that's before you get into the other stuff and make it even worse.

 

2 hours ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

New topic by a new forum user that mentions the often contentious subject of cheating in SL and how it relates to RL -- and the OP never returns for any other comments in the 13 hours that the thread has been open.

Yep, likely trolling

Doesn't make it any less fun!

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3 hours ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

New topic by a new forum user that mentions the often contentious subject of cheating in SL and how it relates to RL -- and the OP never returns for any other comments in the 13 hours that the thread has been open.

Yep, likely trolling

 

Imagine the shame - you come here to troll, and all you do is start a reasonable and mature conversation about trust in SL and RL. 😄

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Simple.. do you enjoy spending time with her? Yes, let the past go or you will loose her if you keep questioning her about it.

This topic more sounds like, "I dont know what to do, tell me what to do so I can then say it was because of others if I break it off later so she cant accuse me of not trying or caring"

Use your own heart and mind and make the choice, dont look for outside solutions or validation or invalidation of your feelings. You will only hate yourself later if you make the wrong choice and then cannot go back and fix the mistake you will have made.

If you listen to others here and then go off of what anyone here says, you are letting an outside force have control over your life and happiness and love and enjoyment. Not a smart move to do ever. No one here on the forums has the right answer for you. Only you do by going with what your heart tells you to do.

Everything being said here is just opinions and has no real bearing on your relationship. for no one here knows you or the other person well enough to make an informed opinion and be close to even being correct with what they tell you to do.

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I do things in SL I would never do in RL. I suspect she is the same way, for her however she met someone she wanted to invite into her RL. She probably hid her SL life from you in SL for the same reasons she probably hid it from most people in RL. You from the start was more like her RL friends than her SL acquaintances. That is something to be proud of, don't mess it up worrying about her SL experiments

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