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Why Open Relationships are Important


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I find certain societal and cultural standards hold people back from happiness. Generally speaking (depending on the culture of course), marriage is still largely considered as the ultimate end goal, and open relationships still get a bad rap. That's frustrating for those who are just not happy in monogamous relationships.

I've enjoyed learning about other people's views and approaches to relationships here. I think this was what this thread was all about.. the OP and title could have been worded differently IMO, but nobody's perfect.

@Bagnu I don't think you intend to hurt anyone, but what you said earlier to someone that they were not enough for their partner was pretty hurtful. I'm sure that comment applies to some people, but considering you don't really know the person you said it to or anything about their relationship(s), I'd avoid making those kinds of assumptions.

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I have kept my mouth shut when you have posted other threads that suggest you know nothing about relationships but I cannot keep my mouth shut on this one. How dare you tell someone that they are not

Ah, is it time for another controversial thread already, featuring overly broad statements disguised as so-called truths and universal wisdom wrapped up in five word sentences? I'll go go get the

You are very good at ASSUMING that your OPINIONS are fact.  Whereas the FACT is that relationships are only good when all people involved in a relationship agree to the rules/definitions of that relat

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1 minute ago, AdminGirl said:

I find certain societal and cultural standards hold people back from happiness. Generally speaking (depending on the culture of course), marriage is still largely considered as the ultimate end goal, and open relationships still get a bad rap. That's frustrating for those who are just not happy in monogamous relationships.

I've enjoyed learning about other people's views and approaches to relationships here. I think this was what this thread was all about.. the OP and title could have been worded differently IMO, but nobody's perfect.

It is fascinating to consider the myriad of ways all people relate, and to try and figure out where I fit into the patterns as well.

If there's anything to learn it's that we shouldn't judge other people's relationships -- it's simply impossible to determine what stage someone is at or whether their relationship is good or bad for them (barring overt abuse, of course).

 

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2 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

 

If there's anything to learn it's that we shouldn't judge other people's relationships -- it's simply impossible to determine what stage someone is at or whether their relationship is good or bad for them (barring overt abuse, of course).

 

If only right? Maybe we will get there one day, to be more accepting of different forms of relationships. Because you're absolutely right, there is no way to determine or judge someone's success or happiness based on their relationships.

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4 minutes ago, AdminGirl said:
8 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

 

If there's anything to learn it's that we shouldn't judge other people's relationships -- it's simply impossible to determine what stage someone is at or whether their relationship is good or bad for them (barring overt abuse, of course).

 

If only right? Maybe we will get there one day, to be more accepting of different forms of relationships. Because you're absolutely right, there is no way to determine or judge someone's success or happiness based on their relationships.

It's not going to be easy since the US appears to be edging toward a theocracy    :(

Unfortunately a lot of our notions of relationships are even now based on religious notions of what is right or wrong.

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Threads like this just make me sad. I've been in a Polyarmous relationship (with the same people) for a decade. My life is happy and stable and I have what works best for us. 

I also deal with people telling me my family structure is invalid / I'm a whore / you'll grow out of it / blah blah blah.

I also hear from other poly people sometimes some really incorrect or dumb things about monogamy-- this 'we are so enlightened for being poly' bull*****. 

Nobody is enlightened by declaring one type of relationship is valid or feeling smug and superior. Attention seeking posts like this to stir up drama are one of the many reasons a huge part of my life remains concealed from folks around me. 

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I wanted to get in on this thread before it turned into another bashing session but I didn't make it....LOL

For me, SL is my fantasy world.  I get to explore things here that I don't necessarily get to do in RL.  I have a RL monogamous relationship and I'm ok with it but I like that I get to explore others in SL without the threat of diseases and other issues.

SL is my escape so I am enjoying this freedom to be the player I am not able to be in RL.  I see no reason to bring societal relationship standards here.  

Of course, I'm not here to hurt anyone and make my intentions clear from the beginning.

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On 9/26/2020 at 4:52 PM, Bagnu said:

Some don't understand the concept of this.  It lets us explore, while we have a home to go to when things go wrong. The relationship can actually become stronger this way. Thoughts?

 

On 9/27/2020 at 3:47 AM, Bagnu said:

of course you're not enough. None if us can be. From either end

Interestingly, statistics indicate that sex workers generally can no longer pair bond after doing the line of work for even a short time, and often suffer from self esteem issues. Are you proving the studies correct?

 

On 9/27/2020 at 1:08 PM, Bagnu said:

I'm RL married actually

 

On 9/27/2020 at 1:10 PM, Bagnu said:

My RL husband knows what I do in SL

Oof. Hopefully there was a prenup.

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9 hours ago, Syo Emerald said:

Ah yes, the deepth and growth of *ucking as many people as you like.

 

..I find this pretty distasteful and as ignorant as Pearl's "nobody is enough "commnet to you.

It's a very s**t shamey and inccurate to how polyarmous realtionships work. Especially for asexual folk like myself who don't experience sexual attraction.

Forstarts polyam realtionships require allot of work, just like mono ones. It's not all just casual sex with whoever you want. (Which isn't a bad or shallow thing but that is a whole different topic).

It, Like any realtionship has its boundries and be just as deep and comitted as mono counterparts.

 

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3 hours ago, Paul Hexem said:

 

Interestingly, statistics indicate that sex workers generally can no longer pair bond after doing the line of work for even a short time, and often suffer from self esteem issues. Are you proving the studies correct?

Gonna put a big fat [Citation needed] here.

You see a lot of people spout both completely fictitious and harmful stuff like this all the time. Have some compassion, dude. I don't much like the way this whole thread is framed with a smug air either but sex workers are both actual people (and not sex objects to be shamed/abused) and have the same depth of relationships as other people. Same with poly or open people. And just like monogamous folks, they can also deal with relationship issues and problems. The difference is that people tend to immediately blame whatever it is they don't like about the person.

I get the feeling from your posts this won't really change your mind at all, but I do hope others reading this at least take away that polyamory and sex workers aren't one dimensional people for you to demonize.

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7 hours ago, Robin Kiyori said:

..I find this pretty distasteful and as ignorant as Pearl's "nobody is enough "commnet to you.

It's a very s**t shamey and inccurate to how polyarmous realtionships work. Especially for asexual folk like myself who don't experience sexual attraction.

Forstarts polyam realtionships require allot of work, just like mono ones. It's not all just casual sex with whoever you want. (Which isn't a bad or shallow thing but that is a whole different topic).

It, Like any realtionship has its boundries and be just as deep and comitted as mono counterparts.

 

I expected that multiple people would come out of the woodwork pages later, take that one sentence and run with it. Ignoring the context in which it was said or what else I was saying during the entire thread.

Is it a harsh statement? Yes, absolutly.

Is it covering the entire reality of poly relationships? No and I know that.

But if someone gets on my nerves and starts this whole "enlightened" talk, they get a reply like this from me as an answer, because it perfectly uncovers that there is no solid base for their claims.

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6 hours ago, Bitterthorn said:

Gonna put a big fat [Citation needed] here.

You see a lot of people spout both completely fictitious and harmful stuff like this all the time. Have some compassion, dude. I don't much like the way this whole thread is framed with a smug air either but sex workers are both actual people (and not sex objects to be shamed/abused) and have the same depth of relationships as other people. Same with poly or open people. And just like monogamous folks, they can also deal with relationship issues and problems. The difference is that people tend to immediately blame whatever it is they don't like about the person.

I get the feeling from your posts this won't really change your mind at all, but I do hope others reading this at least take away that polyamory and sex workers aren't one dimensional people for you to demonize.

Compassion and demonization have nothing to do with it. It's neither fictitious nor harmful (except to the people in the relationships). 

I didn't say sex workers were bad people, just that no one should get into relationships with them.

As for citations, here's the most relevant one; The National Library of Medicine (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4627728/) has an article from 2015 that has some data and some caveats. The important part is, and I quote, "Most women (78%) reported that, overall, sex work affected their personal romantic relationships in predominantly negative ways, mainly relating to issues stemming from lying, trust, guilt and jealousy."

You'll need to cite sources of your own to change my mind, otherwise it's my data vs your feelings.

Edited by Paul Hexem
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18 hours ago, Syo Emerald said:
19 hours ago, Luna Bliss said:

that could facilitate our growth and well-being in deeper ways

Ah yes, the deepth and growth of *ucking as many people as you like.

You know, I think this comment wins the thread! Because if all we're talking about is "that" (the act, who we do it with, etc.) then it's not even relevant to a discussion of poly / open relationships.

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On 9/27/2020 at 12:30 PM, Pomeline Pancake said:

De gustibus non est disputandum.

Exactly.

We actually enjoy that. It is a turn on when hearing or reading about our respective sex adventures.
It turns us on even more, watching the other to have sex with somebody else. Best is dating couples and swap partners.

We would miss out on all that in montone  monogamous relationship. Just not my thing.

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3 hours ago, Klaineanderson said:

sometimes people choose the open relationships after they were hurt many times and they  don't want to fully commit to anyone else. It doesnt't  work for everyone in RL, but it can be easier in SL.

Yes I've known people like that -- after being hurt in childhood or in a significant adult relationship they closed off to becoming close to others in meaningful ways so as not to be hurt again. And the result was flitting around in multiple relationships, never becoming too close to any of them, running away if too much closeness started to develop in one of them. For these people, a poly lifestyle was a defense instead of a healthy preference or choice.

Edited by Luna Bliss
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7 hours ago, Paul Hexem said:
13 hours ago, Bitterthorn said:

Gonna put a big fat [Citation needed] here.

You see a lot of people spout both completely fictitious and harmful stuff like this all the time. Have some compassion, dude. I don't much like the way this whole thread is framed with a smug air either but sex workers are both actual people (and not sex objects to be shamed/abused) and have the same depth of relationships as other people. Same with poly or open people. And just like monogamous folks, they can also deal with relationship issues and problems. The difference is that people tend to immediately blame whatever it is they don't like about the person.

I get the feeling from your posts this won't really change your mind at all, but I do hope others reading this at least take away that polyamory and sex workers aren't one dimensional people for you to demonize.

Expand  

Compassion and demonization have nothing to do with it. It's neither fictitious nor harmful (except to the people in the relationships). 

I didn't say sex workers were bad people, just that no one should get into relationships with them.

As for citations, here's the most relevant one; The National Library of Medicine (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4627728/) has an article from 2015 that has some data and some caveats. The important part is, and I quote, "Most women (78%) reported that, overall, sex work affected their personal romantic relationships in predominantly negative ways, mainly relating to issues stemming from lying, trust, guilt and jealousy."

You'll need to cite sources of your own to change my mind, otherwise it's my data vs your feelings.

Are your assertions related to RL only, or both RL and SL?  It's important to make the distinction, because I don't think the problems encountered in RL cited in the study (lying, trust, guilt, and jealousy used to determine sex work affected personal romantic relationships to such a degree that you've determined one should not have a relationship with them) necessarily applies to SL (or at least it would not apply nearly to the degree it would in RL).

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1 hour ago, Luna Bliss said:

Are your assertions related to RL only, or both RL and SL?  It's important to make the distinction, because I don't think the problems encountered in RL cited in the study (lying, trust, guilt, and jealousy used to determine sex work affected personal romantic relationships to such a degree that you've determined one should not have a relationship with them) necessarily applies to SL (or at least it would not apply nearly to the degree it would in RL).

While my "pair bonding" statement applies more to RL than SL because it also includes emotional/physical tolls, it's even easier to lie and cheat in SL than RL. So even if you're going to use just the one study I linked and none of the others, I'd say the assertion that sex workers are bad relationship material absolutely applies to both.

None of the data looks good for sex workers and relationships, except for in rare 'exception to the rule' cases.

Edited by Paul Hexem
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1 hour ago, Paul Hexem said:
2 hours ago, Luna Bliss said:

Are your assertions related to RL only, or both RL and SL?  It's important to make the distinction, because I don't think the problems encountered in RL cited in the study (lying, trust, guilt, and jealousy used to determine sex work affected personal romantic relationships to such a degree that you've determined one should not have a relationship with them) necessarily applies to SL (or at least it would not apply nearly to the degree it would in RL).

While my "pair bonding" statement applies more to RL than SL because it also includes emotional/physical tolls, it's even easier to lie and cheat in SL than RL. So even if you're going to use just the one study I linked and none of the others, I'd say the assertion that sex workers are bad relationship material absolutely applies to both.

None of the data looks good for sex workers and relationships, except for in rare 'exception to the rule' cases.

To a degree I think this boils down to the same old thing we debate all the time around here -- is SL a game? Or, how much of RL does or should apply to SL?  There are no studies I know of which include the important differences between RL & SL in the specific case we're discussing, yet we always need to take these differences into consideration when evaluating outcomes for others. This makes it difficult to apply a RL study to experiences in SL.

Pertaining to your concerns regarding lying and cheating, if most of those using SL for sexual exploration inform their partners, and their partners don't mind, then your first major concern (lying) would not apply. And it would follow in these cases that your concern with 'cheating' would be a moot point as well. But of course we have no way of knowing how many inform their RL partners regarding what they're doing in SL, but I can say from my experience that most people I've known are honest and their partners don't care. Myself and my circle are a biased sample however, and the experiences of others likely differ.

We have to include the number of people who flourish just fine in open relationships too where additional relationships online would not matter (be they 'game' relationships or real ones), and I think there might be many more people in open relationships than we imagine. This seems to me to be the primary dynamic to consider when evaluating all this -- open relationships.

So for me, because of the above reasons, I can't say that someone in SL involved in sex work (or sexual practices) in SL would definitely be a poor choice for a partner in either SL or RL.

Edited by Luna Bliss
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7 hours ago, Caroline Takeda said:

Exactly.

We actually enjoy that. It is a turn on when hearing or reading about our respective sex adventures.
It turns us on even more, watching the other to have sex with somebody else. Best is dating couples and swap partners.

We would miss out on all that in montone  monogamous relationship. Just not my thing.

Description seems a little graphic for this part of the forum. But hey what do I know.

Anyway if people are having healthy, consensual interactions more power to them. I support most arrangements that satisfy and lift every involved party up. You do you.

Edited by Pomeline Pancake
derp
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6 hours ago, Caroline Takeda said:

Exactly.

We actually enjoy that. It is a turn on when hearing or reading about our respective sex adventures.
It turns us on even more, watching the other to have sex with somebody else. Best is dating couples and swap partners.

We would miss out on all that in montone  monogamous relationship. Just not my thing.

 
That is understandable, similarly such turn on also happens when someone who is married is cheating and actually it's even more exciting because they also have to hide it.
I know that from personal experience because i have been dating in RL from 26 up to my 35 only married/partnered women and it was a refreshing experience for them mostly because their monogamous relationship/marriage realistically speaking had collapsed or they acted like being monogamous but actually they weren't and wanted to experience other people as well. Also some of them just wanted to experience romance again or whatever but for me on the other hand was of course just a f*ck.
The point is for everyone to know what they want and act accordingly, at the end of the day everything is just a choice.
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11 minutes ago, Nick0678 said:
7 hours ago, Caroline Takeda said:

Exactly.

We actually enjoy that. It is a turn on when hearing or reading about our respective sex adventures.
It turns us on even more, watching the other to have sex with somebody else. Best is dating couples and swap partners.

We would miss out on all that in montone  monogamous relationship. Just not my thing.

Expand  
 
That is understandable, similarly such turn on also happens when someone who is married is cheating and actually it's even more exciting because they also have to hide it.
I know that from personal experience because i have been dating in RL from 26 up to my 35 only married/partnered women and it was a refreshing experience for them mostly because their monogamous relationship/marriage realistically speaking had collapsed or they acted like being monogamous but actually they weren't and wanted to experience other people as well. Also some of them just wanted to experience romance again or whatever but for me on the other hand was of course just a f*ck.
The point is for everyone to know what they want and act accordingly, at the end of the day everything is just a choice.

Please don't confuse what I think Caroline is doing (above board variation and honest fun), with what you are participating in (lying and cheating).  What you are doing is destructive and causes unnecessary pain and often lifelong trust issues for those who are betrayed.

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