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Why is it so difficult making friends here?


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52 minutes ago, Bagnu said:

Really, you have to go to places where others have similar interests. You can make friends there, and you could be yourself. You can't make friends with people who have different interests than you. Think of what you would enjoy doing, and take it from there. 

That sounds logical, but the problem there is that my interests are too niche. I don't really have sims I can go to that fit my particular interests, so instead I tend to wander through places I find tolerable and look for exploration.

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I don't know why it's so hard making friends in SL. Ironically it used to be much simpler back in the prim/sculpty days when everyone looked like a clown, 90% of my friends list came from those days,

I'm a pretty outgoing, chatty person . . . but I've always found making friends to be hard work. I don't mean that in a negative way, though. I mean that establishing real friendships, ones that

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1 hour ago, kungaroo2010 said:

That sounds logical, but the problem there is that my interests are too niche. I don't really have sims I can go to that fit my particular interests, so instead I tend to wander through places I find tolerable and look for exploration.

What are your interests??? Maybe i can help. Or we could all help.

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3 hours ago, Bagnu said:

What are your interests??? Maybe i can help. Or we could all help.

Let me see, I like dark ambience and 3d platforming. I love stuff like Thief: The Dark Project and Thief II: The Metal Age. I like slow paced stealth; I absolutely hate anything that requires you to move around quickly or rushes you. I dislike traditional fantasy or sci-fi, I like more down-to-earth worlds with cynical outsets.

I also love visual novels with darker themes, stuff like Wonderful Everyday for example. Or Kara no Shoujo. Or Nothing is Beautiful. I am cursed by the fact that I don't know Japanese, so I am limited to translated novels, but the stuff I have found is definitely appealing. I hate standard reading, too quiet a hobby. Note I really hate Japanese voices, so it is mostly about the story here, I couldn't watch an anime or something.

I also am passionate about music. Suffice to say they are dark, I like a lot of gothic style stuff. But I hate EBM or normal gothic things:

 

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1 hour ago, kungaroo2010 said:

Let me see, I like dark ambience and 3d platforming. I love stuff like Thief: The Dark Project and Thief II: The Metal Age. I like slow paced stealth; I absolutely hate anything that requires you to move around quickly or rushes you. I dislike traditional fantasy or sci-fi, I like more down-to-earth worlds with cynical outsets.

I also love visual novels with darker themes, stuff like Wonderful Everyday for example. Or Kara no Shoujo. Or Nothing is Beautiful.

I also am passionate about music and will post examples if I can figure out a way to format links without them posting giant images.

 

So basically gaming. I truly can't help you with that. Music, yes. I can play drums in RL.

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2 minutes ago, Bagnu said:

Music, yes. I can play drums in RL.

I can play guitar, but I also am not really that much of an enthusiast. I do it more as something to do and the fear that I will regret it if I stop.

Also, see above for some examples of my music.

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On 8/1/2020 at 11:18 AM, Bagnu said:

That's exactly it!!! Go places you like, and join in on the conversation if it appeals to you. Friendship happens naturally, just like RL!!!

I don't feel it's quite the same. For me it's so much easier to interact with people IRL, online it just feels a lot more closed off and difficult to approach people, given people can't read off my friendly body language and easy going attitude through the screen! easier if i had an ao for that, i guess 🤭

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Now. I’m gonna get back on topic and explain exactly why people have trouble making friends (and enemies) in Second Life. Y’all ain’t real. Y’all running around hiding behind the technology, pretending to be what y’all THINK other people think is cool. Be your self. Some folks will like ya. Some folks will hate ya. So what. Be good to your friends and bury your enemies. 

Many of y’all are scared of drama. Drama is merely a disagreement, great or small. No one agrees on everything. Shying away from conflict is a form of self-abnegation. You kill a little bit of yourself on the INSIDE, every time you fail to assert yourself. If you hiding out in a skybox in Second Life, you’re really hiding out in a shadowy little corner of your own mind.  

You can wait for somebody to hand you a participation trophy for just showing up, or you can snatch the crown off some dummy’s head and be a KING...among men.  The choice is yours. 

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On 7/30/2020 at 10:57 AM, MelodicRain said:

This is an alt I use for building and testing.

You should not be using your building and testing alt to make friends!  If you succeed, they will always be calling you and pestering you while you are trying to build.

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Go to places with things you are interested in.  See if folks are talking in local chat.  Join the conversation, or start one, or make a joke.  See if you get a reaction.  Personally, I like folks who, if they can't tell their own jokes, will at least laugh at mine.  There are so many users in SL, so many people on the planet, that I don't consider it a search for friends.  If I did, I'd get desperate, and cater my personality to theirs to win them over.  That's both disingenuous, ineffective, and unsatisfying in the long run.  So instead, I consider the entire population potential friends, realize I do not have the time to be friends with 7 to 8 billion people, and use filtering methods to select the top people I wish to actually interact with -- which also means I feel life is too short to waste on assholes, and given that we no longer live in small little groupings of two dozen people maximum we don't have to take any crap any more.  Wanna be a jerk?  Fine, I've got 6,999,999 other potential people to replace you.  So I filter folks, and figure they are doing the same to me.  And don't take it too personally if we just don't click.  If we do, great!  If not, no big deal.  In SL, I've found the best way to filter is via profiles, at least as the initial filter.  Don't fill it out or put a pic in, or put stuff in that doesn't tell me about you, and I get the impression that you're just not the type of creative person that could hold my interest in a conversation if you can't even be bothered to fill out a profile.  I also state in my profile that I prefer to talk in local chat before taking things private via IM's.  I state this not just due to the obnoxiousness of interrupting IM's, not just because as soon as a conversation is out of earshot of others it frequently devolves into sexual advances (particularly if it's a male sending me IM's clear out of the blue), but to see if they are courteous:  If I specifically asked not to receive IM's right off the bat, but you do it anyhow, I know you are either so disinterested in getting to know ME that you didn't even bother to read my profile, or that you read it but since the world revolves around YOU, who cares what pixel-boobie lady thinks -- me want cybersex.  OK, sometimes folks will still win me over, but they have a much tougher time with it if they make such a poor first impression.

So.  I'll get silly.  Put on a funny outfit, like our banana-clad friend above 🙂 , or have some sort of silly interaction .  It helps break the ice.  I also just wander around and explore.  Head for the green dots.  If they're friendly, great!  New friend.  If not, well, who wants to be buddies with a shotgun-totting "git off mah property!" type anyhow?  Glad to find out right away what a jerk someone is before having invested a lot of time in them.  For that same reason, I've got my political leanings listed in my profile -- I gotta put up with nasty mf's in real life, why would I choose to bang my head against a wall for a pastime?  Why they will STILL try to engage with me, I don't quite get. Then again, we did already cover that:  "me want cybersex." lol

Some odder ways I've made some really good friends:

 - Befriending and sticking up for the girl in a bee costume at a beach, getting bump-attacked by some [insert word made by combining a synonym for a donkey and the inedible part of a doughnut, since we apparently still can't say ***** on television] for doing so.  We bonded lol

- Driving a car with terrible steering right into someone's log cabin.  You kinda have to talk to someone when you crash into their place.

- Grabbing an empty seat next to someone on a passing boat or train.

- Putting on a guitar and giving mini-concerts at Bellisseria boat and air launch sites.

Finally, just being a homeowner, or even just a wanderer, in Bellisseria.  It's kinda geared towards a community spirit, with lots of old time players who remember fondly the experiences you speak of in the OP.  Join the Citizens' and the Events groups, even if you don't have a Linden Home.

And oh -- don't worry about your avi appearance.  I frequently go classic to weed out the pixel snobs.  Judging people by how they look is obnoxious enough in real life, but to do it for little cartoon people glowing on you screen?  No one needs friends like THAT.

 

Edited by Rabid Cheetah
me hate typos
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In a similar manner to love, I seem to notice you find friends when you aren't actively searching for it. Soloing by yourself for awhile, and being content with that puts you in a better head space where you can enjoy a conversation with no pretense or background thoughts of will this person be a good friend? Do you like shopping? Exploring? Clubbing? Do those things and strike up conversations when you can. 9/10 times it'll be a one-off conversation with someone you'll likely never see again, and that's ok. You've got to patiently wade through the people you don't click with the find the ones you do but if you are mentally preoccupied with finding them you'll get frustrated and discouraged very quickly. 

Edited by relauv
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5 minutes ago, Bagnu said:

This is really the way RL works. I've been both overweight and thin in RL . And I have found that when I'm thin and look good, I get more respect from others and make more friends. I don't say this right, but it is the the truth.

Of course it's true but too thin is also a turn off. Usually IBW and a couple of extra kilos is perfect.

 

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There are different types of friends and different depths. If you want friends just for company and to hang out, burn time with and not really fussed with anything else, then whatever everyone else said about switching avs would work. Like switch avs depending on who's around at the time to hang out.

But if you're looking for closer friends to connect or share with, deep convos and the lot, then I'd say be you and everything you encompass 'cause you won't really connect by being anything else. Your av is just an av but it represents your interest. It represents a bit of you. Some interests are bit more niche and there's nothing wrong with that. It just means it'll take more time and patience finding someone in the same niche.

To the OP, I think you mentioned something about your pale av? I have seen plenty of anime inspired avs around. A bunch of my friends are all like that and I met them when I was at the sandbox. On flickr they have noticeable presence so they must be somewhere inworld.

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On 8/12/2020 at 8:47 PM, Drakonadrgora Darkfold said:

To the OP.. its not.. just be yourself and be patient and dont try and force anything. Those who are similar to you will find you over time. Quality friends over Quantity always.

Well tell me why 90% of my interactions end up like this...

Quote

Me: Waves and smiles! I read your profile and it seems we like and dislike a lot of things, such as xx, xx and xx so I thought I'd drop you an IM! It's rare to find someone who also enjoys xx, I heard there's a [insert some random topic about xx].
Some person: uh huh

I'm not making this crap up. This is legit what I get 90% of the time. It's like I'm playing a parallel universe version of SL where most people are assholes.

<rant> Yes some people are "shy" and prefer being alone (though what in the world are they doing in social places then), well guess what? I'm probably the shy-est person on my entire friends list yet I don't act like a *****ing indifferent aloof ***** to anyone attempting to be nice to me, it's called basic social etiquette. I'm already way out of my comfort zone even initiating the IM. Every time I get a reply like that (or worse, dead silence and they're not afk), it just kills my microscopic remaining amount of motivation even more. I think my motivation to try to befriend others is pretty much nonexistent now thanks to these people. </rant>

Just needed to get that out of my system. Tried to chat with 3 random strangers earlier and I got: 1 dead silence but not afk, and 2 replies like that. Made me feel like ***** so I logged out to do something else.

Edited by MelodicRain
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Many people will be around for you to socialize with but you don't know them and they don't know you. If you guys don't like similar things or happen to be very opinionated it will be a bit difficult to connect. Point is for both to have genuine fun when together.

For example right this moment i am watching a TV show (not even logged in SL, talking on skype) with a female "friend" we met in SL and we are not a couple or partnered or whatever, just get along fine so whenever we are in the mood spend time together. (not on a 24/7 basis, we would get tired of each other if we did.)

Not everyone will fit but many with similar likes will.

Edited by Nick0678
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51 minutes ago, Nick0678 said:

Many people will be around for you to socialize with but you don't know them and they don't know you. If you guys don't like similar things or happen to be very opinionated it will be a bit difficult to connect. Point is for both to have genuine fun when together.

For example right this moment i am watching a TV show (not even logged in SL, talking on skype) with a female "friend" we met in SL and we are not a couple or partnered or whatever, just get along fine so whenever we are in the mood spend time together. (not on a 24/7 basis, we would get tired of each other if we did.)

Not everyone will fit but many with similar likes will.

Exactly, hence why I only IM those people who I feel they share similar interests with me like in the example I showed above, and the reason why I never IM people with empty profiles cause it's a waste of time. But it seems even people with similar interests with me, 90% of the time it ends up being a waste of time cause they lack basic manners, is a misogynist, or simply don't like me due to my name or whatever.

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12 hours ago, MelodicRain said:

90% of the time it ends up being a waste of time cause they lack basic manners, is a misogynist, or simply don't like me due to my name or whatever.

I understand what you are saying, boredom in SL is unavoidable some times but same thing happens in RL.

Personally i never cared if people are misogynists/misandrists, straight/gay, left/right, married/single, from my country/other countries or whatever(*except when dating), as long as our sense of humor was similar. Those that i socialize with know that i am not in SL or skype to listen to their views on such stuff, just find it dull, so we get along fine and have fun. (whenever we are in the mood)

For example last night with that female friend we were watching a popular reality show and talking about those people over there, their boobs, butts, habits and stuff like that. If we only bothered about analyzing what is "politically correct" based on political views, sexism, misogyny, misandry and being all serious, it would get boring within a few minutes. Instead we had a great time laughing for more than 5 hours. Having a similar sense of humor helps a lot when socializing with others and that is what i usually have as defining factor.

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18 hours ago, MelodicRain said:

Well tell me why 90% of my interactions end up like this...

 

  Quote

Me: Waves and smiles! I read your profile and it seems we like and dislike a lot of things, such as xx, xx and xx so I thought I'd drop you an IM! It's rare to find someone who also enjoys xx, I heard there's a [insert some random topic about xx].
Some person: uh huh

 

I'm not making this crap up. This is legit what I get 90% of the time. It's like I'm playing a parallel universe version of SL where most people are assholes.

 

My guess is that although you filter people who share the same interests with you, the other challenge (among many) is to also filter people who are open to making friends on SL. Some make it easy by putting it in their profile - things like "feel free to IM me", "friendly and happy to chat", or the "don't respond to random IMs", etc. In the absence of those hints, maybe try to test the waters in your initial IM rather than a mini speech like the one in your example. What I mean is, say something a bit shorter and see how they respond, which would help tell you how open they are, rather than give too much right off the bat before you know if they're even interested.

One of my own experiences come to mind, where I IM'd someone complimenting their profile, even though I wasn't open to adding any more to my friend list. The person was really nice. He read my profile in return, saw something there that made him ask if I've been following a Netflix series. I answered him but didn't really add any follow-up question or anything to continue to conversation, so he took the hint and said thanks for the compliment and we both said our friendly byes.

Rude people are unavoidable and being the one who makes the first move takes guts. I really empathize.

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21 hours ago, MelodicRain said:

Well tell me why 90% of my interactions end up like this...

Quote

Me: Waves and smiles! I read your profile and it seems we like and dislike a lot of things, such as xx, xx and xx so I thought I'd drop you an IM! It's rare to find someone who also enjoys xx, I heard there's a [insert some random topic about xx].
Some person: uh huh

I'm not making this crap up. This is legit what I get 90% of the time. It's like I'm playing a parallel universe version of SL where most people are assholes.

   Well, your profile is blank . . Blank profiles do not really incite people to talk. 

   Also, that quote of yours comes on rather strong; it reeks of desperation for attention. Not to mention a lot of people on the grid need to be presented with a TL:DR if you write more than three sentences because they're pathetic excuses for human beings. It is usually better to start off gently and see whether the other party is partial to engaging or whether you've just wasted your time composing such a long introduction.

   Also, copy-pasting people's likes from their profiles to try to make yourself appear a potential person of interest is inadvisable. If someone has written 'I love beaches!', don't just say 'Oh, I love beaches also!' - that's not engagement, that's mirroring. Instead, try something like 'Hey, did you ever visit <insert beach sim here>? I thought that place was wonderful!'. Who knows, a few moments later you may be re-exploring that beach with someone you made intrigued to discover it. 

   . . . But then again, who the Hell would ever try to engage with the sort of person who writes 'I like beaches' on their profile. Scoffs derisively. 

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On 9/5/2020 at 1:33 PM, Orwar said:

   Well, your profile is blank . . Blank profiles do not really incite people to talk. 

This is an alt, i.e. not the avatar I use in-world. I like to keep forum and in-world separate cause it's easy to get wrapped up in drama here which I don't want to affect my in-world experience, and a way to filter who I decide to befriend here on the forum.

On 9/5/2020 at 1:33 PM, Orwar said:

   Also, that quote of yours comes on rather strong; it reeks of desperation for attention. Not to mention a lot of people on the grid need to be presented with a TL:DR if you write more than three sentences because they're pathetic excuses for human beings. It is usually better to start off gently and see whether the other party is partial to engaging or whether you've just wasted your time composing such a long introduction.

It came off strong because it was more of a rant. I was pissed off at how unfriendly people are in-world and wanted to vent, so feel free to take it with a bucket of salt.

Also, I only message people who have profiles I gauge as someone who's open to making friends. These are usually comprehensive profiles that are friendly, inviting and wholesome to read. If someone has a snobby, condescending profile then why would I waste my time trying to be friendly? I mean if they literally write "looking for other people who like ABC" and I like ABC, then I guess they're just lying or don't like my name or something stupid like that.

On 9/5/2020 at 1:33 PM, Orwar said:

     Also, copy-pasting people's likes from their profiles to try to make yourself appear a potential person of interest is inadvisable. If someone has written 'I love beaches!', don't just say 'Oh, I love beaches also!' - that's not engagement, that's mirroring. Instead, try something like 'Hey, did you ever visit <insert beach sim here>? I thought that place was wonderful!'. Who knows, a few moments later you may be re-exploring that beach with someone you made intrigued to discover it. 

If you read my post you would've known your second sentence is exactly what I wrote, not just "hey I love beaches too". I'm usually genuine when it comes to my likings. I used to "fake" some interests to get to know a wider range of people but that didn't work out at all, so now I only bother being friendly to people I know I'll share my true interests with.

 

Edited by MelodicRain
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6 hours ago, BB2point0 said:

SL is just like RL in that a good friend is very rare and a person is very fortunate if you are able to find 1 or 2 in your travels. 

It's possible to find more. I have, so everyone can as well. And do mean very dear friends. We argue sometimes, just like RL lol!!!

Edited by Bagnu
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1 hour ago, MelodicRain said:

This is an alt, i.e. not the avatar I use in-world. I like to keep forum and in-world separate cause it's easy to get wrapped up in drama here which I don't want to affect my in-world experience, and a way to filter who I decide to befriend here on the forum.

It came off strong because it was more of a rant. I was pissed off at how unfriendly people are in-world and wanted to vent, so feel free to take it with a bucket of salt.

Also, I only message people who have profiles I gauge as someone who's open to making friends. These are usually comprehensive profiles that are friendly, inviting and wholesome to read. If someone has a snobby, condescending profile then why would I waste my time trying to be friendly? I mean if they literally write "looking for other people who like ABC" and I like ABC, then I guess they're just lying or don't like my name or something stupid like that.

If you read my post you would've known your second sentence is exactly what I wrote, not just "hey I love beaches too". I'm usually genuine when it comes to my likings. I used to "fake" some interests to get to know a wider range of people but that didn't work out at all, so now I only bother being friendly to people I know I'll share my true interests with.

 

Don't always "listen" to the profiles. Just like you wrote, they aren't always real. I'm surprised you find people inworld unfriendly, because I've found the exact opposite. Maybe it's because I stay with the adult community, and we already have shared interests. Opening our sexual fantasies to each can create some very strong bonds.

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