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Need Advice: Don't Like Friend's Partner


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I need advice.

I have an SL friend whom I feel could actually be my best SL friend.

Her partner, however, has behaviors I do not like.  None of the behaviors have been about the partner trying to engage me into a relationship.  It is not that.  

The behaviors I do not like have involved:  Trolling towards all residents and even towards LL; absolutely spoiled childish behavior; obnoxious during events; hurtful.

My SL friend, I really thought she may be pretty much my SL best friend.  Her partner is horrible and I can't take it anymore...the person has behavior issues that are hurtful to all.

I don't know what she sees in this person as she is an absolute living doll and very, very caring.  She may "feel" she's older and doesn't have a whole lot of choices in life any more.   But, she has so many things going for her.  She's funny, giving, really caring...all kinds of good things about her.  I just do not know why she even wants this person around because of the partner's being obnoxious at events.  

I feel I need to talk to her about it but I honestly don't know if talking to her is going to help anything at all other than making her hurt.

I need advice.  Would you talk to your friend, let your friend go, or leave it be to work itself out.    

The "leave it be" part is she is looking for a relationship in real life.  I feel if she does find a relationship in real life, she will leave this SL partner.  Because she told me what she really wants...a real life boyfriend.  

Addendum:  Please read some of my replies below as this really goes beyond friendship and is affecting groups and individuals on multiple sims with the probability of the partner being banned.   My friend, however, has not done one thing wrong.  It's all his behavior which is complete disrespect of others.   However, she may feel she is banned too or that it's a reflection on her.  It's a sad, very unfortunate situation.  

Edited by JanuarySwan
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Be careful about interfering.  You could excuse yourself from your friend's presence if her partner is there, then tell her why, privately and briefly.  If she asks for more, tell her more, but don't make her defensive by questioning her choices or you could lose her.  In my experience lovers get preference over friends.

You might want to ask a mod to get this topic moved to Lifestyles and Relationships.

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It can be a tricky one, as if you say anything to your friend, she may justifiably take offence and fall out with you, because you are, in fact, criticising her choice of partner.

I would be inclined to just be a good friend, to watch, and to be there if and when she realises her man is not the person she thought he was. Although, if you feel she is being manipulated by him, and think he may be a bully or a narcissist, as he does sound like he might be (feeling superior to others, having tantrums, generally hurtful, if he attempts to isolate her from others, to take up all her time), you could step in, but again, you may risk losing her as a friend altogether. 

Edited by Marigold Devin
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Yes, I know, I feel I could lose her friendship. 

He is being a trouble-maker, however.  So, I cannot take it anymore.

Perhaps what I hadn't thought of until just now is he deliberately trying to make her friend's "p****** off" so that she won't have any friends other than him?

This is a horrible way to control a person...and it's abusive to not let your partner have friends.  It's a thing called "isolating your partner from friends"...it's considered abusive.

But, I cannot prevent this from happening.  This is her choice.  Although I don't think I will ever understand what a really nice person sees in him?  He is rude and degrading to everyone...just everyone, even SL itself.    

 

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Maybe you can try to hang out with your friend only when he's not around. And wait it out. From my observation, many SL relationships don't last that long so things might actually work themselves out without you having to do any damage to your friendship.

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12 minutes ago, GillianXRCR said:

Here's the thing. It's not your relationship.

Yes, I know.  But, if I block him...our friendship becomes awkward....and she could say "why don't you to speak to my partner" because he might address me by name at events.   She might eventually figure out I blocked her partner or I'd have to tell her. 

I don't know what to do...I need more time to figure out what to do.  I'm wondering do I block him...do I not block him.  

Right now I'm at the don't block him and don't talk to her about the problems here...just ride it out for a while longer.  But, that's for a while, not forever because he's very close to being made invisible by me.    

Edited by JanuarySwan
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49 minutes ago, Garnet Psaltery said:

You might want to ask a mod to get this topic moved to Lifestyles and Relationships.

Yes, that's probably where the topic belongs.

I'm looking right now how to figure out how to have it moved because I don't know how.  

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18 minutes ago, JanuarySwan said:

Yes, that's probably where the topic belongs.

I'm looking right now how to figure out how to have it moved because I don't know how.  

Move your cursor over the top right of your post and you'll see the words 'Report post'.  Click that then enter your request to have it moved.  Just say 'Please move to Lifestyles and Relationships'.

Edited by Garnet Psaltery
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Maybe you can drop a few choice words of disapproval whenever your friend's partner behave like a child or troll. Nothing too incendiary of course but something that adds a bit of adult wisdom into the situation. I guess this is like a parent correcting their child. You don't want to be mean but you do want to correct their behavior. Your friend may see what you are doing and back you up.

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When she comes to her senses he'll be gone and you'll have the shoulder she cries on. Be supportive and if you must give your 2 cents make sure it's done tactfully. Instead of saying "he's such a jerk and treated Jane like an arse hole" say something like "I think Jane was hurt by how your bf spoke to her". There are ways to get your point across without you looking like the hateful, bad guy. Also, once the bf gets wind that you don't like him, he may create a wedge between you and your friend. Be prepared. 

Edited by Linda Reddevil
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33 minutes ago, Linda Reddevil said:

he may create a wedge between you and your friend. Be prepared. 

He already has and the rest of the group, too.  It's terrible.  

See, the rest, of which I didn't mention is, I have the power to ban him altogether.  Not just mute but ban as do a few others.  I don't like having this power but his behavior needs to be modified.  If it's possible.

I'm beginning to think he wants to make waves because he A) Doesn't like the group nor want to hang out there, or B) He's just a complete controller.  

This is why I'm wondering if I should just be up-front with her before a ban happens because she may well feel like it's a ban against her which it isn't.  It in no way involves her...she is helpful to everyone, so giving, so kind, loves her group or she wouldn't be there like she is.  She's a witty, wonderful, marvelous person...we all love her as our friend.   But, she just might feel it's a "reflection on her" which it is not.  Most all of us our friends with each other and we all talk through IM's and have events...so she has a lot of friends.  

33 minutes ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

How would you handle this if it was your RL friend and her RL boyfriend?  Does putting it in that perspective help? 

Sometimes you just have to call out the jerks in life, regardless of the fallout.

Yeah, I've thought about this too...whether RL or SL it involves someone's feelings.  But, if it's "toxic behavior"...sometimes it's best to talk about it, I think.  Not that all will nor can be solved by talking it out, but maybe it's worth a try.  However, it may just end up, he's toxic period and that's the end of it.  

Edited by JanuarySwan
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18 minutes ago, JanuarySwan said:

He already has and the rest of the group, too.  It's terrible.  

See, the rest, of which I didn't mention is, I have the power to ban him altogether.  Not just mute but ban as do a few others.  I don't like having this power but his behavior needs to be modified.  If it's possible.

I'm beginning to think he wants to make waves because he A) Doesn't like the group nor want to hang out there, or B) He's just a complete controller.  

This is why I'm wondering if I should just be up-front with her before a ban happens because she may well feel like it's a ban against her which it isn't.  It in no way involves her...she is helpful to everyone, so giving, so kind, loves her group or she wouldn't be there like she is.  She's a witty, wonderful, marvelous person...we all love her as our friend.  

Yeah, I've thought about this too...whether RL or SL it involves someone's feelings.  But, if it's "toxic behavior"...sometimes it's best to talk about it, I think.  Not that all will nor can be solved by talking it out, but maybe it's worth a try.  

This puts a different face on the problem.  You have the responsibility of keeping group members in line with the group ethos and rules, and protecting them from trouble as far as you are able.  You must, in this case, talk to the group owner and explain what is happening as you see it.  It is not clear whether that person is also the owner of group land or is also your friend but in any case they need to know.  Let them take it from there.

My previous advice still holds, but it's up to you how you handle it.  If you cannot reconcile your friendship with your powers then you might be better off leaving that situation altogether. 

Edited by Garnet Psaltery
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21 minutes ago, Garnet Psaltery said:

You have the responsibility of keeping group members in line with the group ethos and rules, and protecting them from trouble as far as you are able.  You must, in this case, talk to the group owner and explain what is happening as you see it.  

Absolutely.  

The difficulty with us all just muting him is newcomers.  We are not an exclusive group...all are welcome as long as it's kept PG friendly.  But, the rules he's encroaching upon are the basic rules of SL.  He does not have respect for others.  It's all about him and his "antics"...most of which are hurtful to others.  

We are a network of sims...so there are other sims involved...not just one sim or land but many "lands".  I am not talking all of SL here.  But, our group has many lands and is a kind of network.  I cannot divulge too much information about that here.   

We will do our best is all I can say right now but it's a horrible situation to be involved in.

Although I can say from experience that sometimes when we get into a love relationship our "friend scape", so to speak, can change.  It happens.  It's happened to me in real life.  I have lost friends because of a real life person more or less being jealous of those friends.  The love relationship wanted most of my time.  

Edited by JanuarySwan
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If it were just a personal situation, I’d say pick your battles, you don’t need to interact with him.

But if you’re co-responsible of a place he attacks, you compromise your commitment to it by allowing his behaviour on account of his partner being your friend. Sooner or later the owner would know, and in my experience they don’t like having compromised officers—you might not be fired, but your standing in the team would suffer.

So ban him, if & when it becomes abundantly justified. And yes, inform your friend privately, but keep this in mind: if she then unfriends you, it won’t be for anything you did wrong, so the question will be, how good a friend she really was, that she beholds you not to do what’s right? Being a doll isn’t necessarily the same as being a good friend.

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6 hours ago, JanuarySwan said:

This is a horrible way to control a person...and it's abusive to not let your partner have friends.  It's a thing called "isolating your partner from friends"...it's considered abusive.

yes.  It really is abusive.  I endured it for 24 years. 

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I’ve learned that in the romance department, friends really don’t want to know our opinions on their significant others until they are treated badly.  
Sooooo best to keep it to yourself & be there to comfort if it goes poorly.

And likely less chance of drama if you can figure out how to be around him.  If not, make sure you’ve someplace else to be when they log on.

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Speaking as someone that's actually been the " bad boyfriend", just tell her that people don't like him there and that she shouldn't bring him. It's on her how to work with that. 

In my case it became a conversation starter, "How was girl's night?" when we got together after.

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17 minutes ago, Paul Hexem said:

Speaking as someone that's actually been the " bad boyfriend", just tell her that people don't like him there and that she shouldn't bring him. It's on her how to work with that. 

In my case it became a conversation starter, "How was girl's night?" when we got together after.

I need to put in the OP...it's gone way beyond "bad boyfriend" or anything like that...this is actually going to a committee to ban him across multiple sims as his behavior is just out of control towards everyone and even SL or LL itself.  He is breaking the basic rules of respect of others with his behavior.  

However, the thing is:  She may feel she is banned too as they are a couple simply by a feeling or like she did something wrong too which she has done nothing wrong.  He is completely in the wrong though.  It is going to be a horrible experience for us all.  We aren't just "girls night"...we are a group of men and women.  

The consensus right now is to talk with her first.  

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5 hours ago, JanuarySwan said:

He already has and the rest of the group, too.  It's terrible.  

See, the rest, of which I didn't mention is, I have the power to ban him altogether.  Not just mute but ban as do a few others.  I don't like having this power but his behavior needs to be modified.  If it's possible

if you are only an officer in this group and/or land, I suggest that you do not use the banhammer. Speak to the owner about this person's behaviour

not about how their behaviour affects you. How the behaviour is against the group/venue rules, if it is, and detrimental to the group and/or venue attendance if that is also

this you would do as an officer, if you never knew this person or knew your friend

let the group/venue owner make the decision. Should the owner do nothing and this person  does end up wrecking the group and/or venue then that is on the owner. As owners, we have complete control over our groups and lands. If we do not exercise this power according to our own published rules then it is not for anyone else to save the owner from their own folly

outside of the group/venue, I suggest that for the sake of your friend, put this person on Ignore.  The Ignore button is in our heads.  Keep your interactions with this person on the polite level. Do not engage with them on anything other than Hello! how are you today? I am fine thank you.   And ignore everything else they say

 

 

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I would calmly let her know that his behaviour is affecting you, without suggesting that it in any way reflects on her as a person or on her choices, which as others have said are none of your business. When you remove yourself from the situation, just say "I am going to go now, I don't like how (boyfriend) is behaving". You're both adults, it's OK to say this. It's up to her whether or not she wants to consider this information. You cannot do anything about the consequences that arise from his behaviour in sims and other venues but hopefully if she does get kicked out of some places she may be able to take a look at why that is.

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Mute/block/derender him.  If your friend ever asks why you never respond to his comments or actions then you tell her. Just tell her calmly that you couldn't take it anymore so you muted him until he changes his behavior. Of course this could make her mad or it could open her eyes to the problem and she may have a discussion with him about it and if might cause either him to have to change to keep her, or he looses her if he doesn't.

No matter how you approach it or deal with it someone is going to get hurt or mad or upset about it. And this will be a test of your friends loyalty to you or to him. She will either have to make a choice and get rid of him once she realizes how bad he has been for her and towards others or she will stay with him out of fear of not finding someone else to be with.

Often people use fear of being alone to control them. That she would be an outsider, a loner, a nobody, alone without him. That only he truly cares about her and her well being. I have been through these kinds of relationships before myself as the victim. Its hard to see the truth when you think the person you are with is the right one for you even if they are destructive and harmful.

He sounds manipulative and deceptive and narcissistic and egotistical; the common abuser mindset of the psychotic and neurotic and delusional. The longer he has his hooks in her the worse it will be for her about ever leaving him or believing others against him. Sounds like he is trying to make her docile and submissive and helpless without him around her.

He wants you to ban him, so then he can use it against her to get her to stay away since he cant be there with her. That if she truly cares about him she will stay with him and not go there anymore or leave the group to be with him instead. I had that level of head games played on me before too.. its a dangerous and slippy slope to be on.

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I would hesitate to go down the diagnosis road of "he's a controlling psycho" without hearing all sides of this, but since we can't, I'd say ignore him as best you can if he bothers you that much. If you can't make yourself do that, block him. If your friend asks why you aren't replying when he speaks, then tell her.

As for the group thing, let the committee decide. Keep this simple and don't overcomplicate things.

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