Cindy Evanier Posted April 15, 2020 Share Posted April 15, 2020 So I am just sitting there watching Location Location Location when this public service information advert come on (pre-watershed) I have no words but 😂😂😂 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet Voxel Posted April 15, 2020 Share Posted April 15, 2020 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleMe Jewell Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 Saw this today - took me a second to notice what she wanted the batteries for 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleMe Jewell Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleMe Jewell Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleMe Jewell Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleMe Jewell Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 I'm back home, did you miss me? It's ok, I didn't either. Anyhoo, back to stupid puns, jokes and bad memes.... (oh and if these are already in this thread....umm..I claim ignorance...and yes I totally stole all these memes...lock me up sheriff) I'm gonna need to separate these into different posts lmao... 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 And now for some textual humor... Why is naked pronounced naked but baked is pronounced baked instead of baked... If WATERMELON exists why doesn't EARTHMELON, FIREMELON and AIRMELON?? The ELEMELONS How do you tell the sex of an ant? Drop it in water. If it sinks: Girl Ant If it floats.... An anteater walks into a bar and says he'd like a drink. “Okay”, says the bartender, “How about a beer?” The anteater says, “Nooooooooo!” “Then how about a gin and tonic?” “Nooooooooo!” "A martini?” “Nooooooooo!” Finally the bartender gets fed-up and says, "Hey buddy, if you don't mind me asking, why the long no's??” Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed? Did you all hear about the two cellphone towers that got married? Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was amazing! Before I tell anymore... I want to say a few small words to the people who have liked my jokes. In On An It No To I'm moving all my wall mounted storage to a shed at the far end of my yard. It's shelf isolating I came home drunk last night and didn't want to wake anyone up, so I strapped pancakes to my feet and crêped upstairs. I've been invited to a fancy dress party with a Tuperware theme. I can hardly contain myself. Just paid for my friend's rhinoplasty operation.. Well, it's no skin off my nose. Me-Hey, look in the water, there's a bloodstained oar Gary- That's foreboding Me-Damnit Gary, I know what they're for, stop patronizing me. Hubby- *reading the menu* Anything pop out at you? Me- Babe, I don't think it's that kind of book A local TV weatherman is reacting angrily after being fired for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts lately... No more mist and ice guy 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scylla Rhiadra Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 For the love of God, Tari, and all that is good and holy . . . STOP!!!!! 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 I refuse You cannot make me I'll keep going forever Or until I fall asleep Which will be never So... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharlotteStargazer Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindal Kidd Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 OK, Tari. But please limit it to ONE, count them, 1 bad joke per post. Here's mine. If you're American when you go in the bathroom… … and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 1 hour ago, Lindal Kidd said: OK, Tari. But please limit it to ONE, count them, 1 bad joke per post. Here's mine. No can do neighborinoo On with the shoo.... I'll start with textual this time ...clears my throat... What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain? I guess we'll just have to make dew. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords. I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable. Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents! Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended. What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe If you were a fruit, you'd be a fine-apple Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak. Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y Want to hear something terrible? Paper See? I told you it was tear-able. Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense. An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.” 6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie! Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 I have decided this is the most fascinating, interesting and important thread on the entire forums...forever and ever more... Y'all are stuck with me....I'm not sorry, and hubby thanks you If you don't hate me now...you will by the time I'm finished 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollymews Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 3 hours ago, Tari Landar said: i like! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 ok last batch for now...I'm being told if I don't get my ass in the bathtub I'm going to get in trouble Frankly, I don't know where trouble's been..... 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindal Kidd Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 Oh god, you sprained my sense of humor. Ow, ow, ow, ow! But before I stagger away from this thread, I just wanted to say... 14 minutes ago, Tari Landar said: The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense. ...I have this on a sweatshirt. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Solo Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) ^^ on par with everyone elses 😊 Was trying to get the bullett bra face mask going on - oh well. Edited April 16, 2020 by Maryanne Solo 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ardy Lay Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 Has anybody seen a person with a coffee filter taped to their face yet? I have but did not feel they would appreciate me taking a picture of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Landar Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 You didn't think I was finished, did you? I'm chock full of bad dad jokes. Except I'm not a dad Or bad.....Well, maybe a little bad But definitely not a dad Enjoy 😄 (seriously, I'm just pasting from my bad joke file...you have no idea how big this thing is, I could continue this thread for hundreds of pages all by myself and not run out of bad jokes) How do you make a pirate furious? Take away the p. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming. A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside. Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me. I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap. 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet. I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now. A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond. “Um.” —First horse that got ridden You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.” We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned. How does the solar system organize a party? They planet! Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown! If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success. RIP boiling water—you will be mist. Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected. Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty! I used to work for an origami company until it folded I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice. Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted. What is the musical part of a snake? The scales. What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park? “Bach it up.” Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindal Kidd Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charles Blackwood Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 And in other news... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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