MALE playing female? Is it frowned upon?

[Syo Emerald]

On 2/28/2020 at 7:35 AM, Orwar said:

I don't know if this is true? It's something that used to be a thing in gaming communities back in the early 2000's, but with the whole gaming gender politic shenanigans in gaming media the past few years, I don't think there's anyone who doesn't know that girls and women do play video games

They probably never "never played" games, but it still depends on what games you would look at. With SL am I quite certain that we could have a fairly even distribution between men and women in the userbase.

[Raevyn Addams]

50 minutes ago, suzyst said:

{snip}  your rl is no ones business.

^ This.

50 minutes ago, suzyst said:

There are thousands of furries, demons, lycans etc. wandering around who probably wouldn't survive close scrutiny, but there is no great outcry about them being decietful.

^ And this.

 

I've said these same things many times over the years and will keep repeating them (even if others disagree as is their right);

* You are under no obligation to tell anyone else anything about yourself that you don't feel comfortable in sharing, regardless who is asking or why (unless it's LL of course). 

* In Second Life as with any other website, online game, or anything virtual do not give out more information about yourself than you are prepared to lose. Once it's out there, it's out there forever, and you have no way to control what's done with that information.

* There is a HUGE difference between representing yourself as another gender, race, age or other in avatar form and deliberately deceiving or pretending to be someone else in real life (aka Catfishing). How others visually perceive and relate to your avatar is for them to decide. (This is different to how you treat others but that should be fairly common sense and shouldn't need explaining).

* Honesty is not always the best policy unless it feels right for you to disclose (or unless you are intentionally trying to deceive others in real life, as stated above). It is not your job to validate anything for anyone else (unless you are running the risk of breaking Linden Lab's Terms of Service, Community Standards, or real life laws).

* Disclosing any real life information in your profile has the potential to ruin YOUR immersion and effect the way in which others relate to or engage with you. Declaring yourself as a human behind a horse avatar won't shock anyone, but declaring you are of a different age, race or gender than they see on the screen will influence how others judge you regardless what they say. Everyone on the planet is ingrained with personal and societal bias and much of that is beyond your (or even their) control.

* Some people are more tolerant than others. Some will undoubtedly cause problems. Their immaturity or narrow-mindedness is their issue, don't let them make it yours.

 

Remember everyone you meet has their personal reasons for representing their avatars as they do and no two people will approach Second Life in the exact same way. For some having the ability to be what they want is liberating; it could be wish fulfillment or a chance to recreate their youth. While for others it is an extension of their everyday real life recreated to whatever degree in pixel form. We all have that freedom of choice in Second Life to be what we want. Don't let other people impede you from making the choice in avatar that suits you. 

I speak from experience.

Do what feels right to you and enjoy your Second Life.  

[AyelaNewLife]

I'm just going to echo the fact that you are under no obligation to tell anyone anything about any RL details, including your RL sex/gender. You have to balance up immersion (yours and others) with people potentially choosing to feel deceived or acting abusively towards you, and it's ultimately a personal choice that no one else can or should make for you, and there isn't really a 'right' answer to this.

When someone says "be whoever you want to be... just be honest", what they're actually saying is "you can dress up however you want, just be sure to warn people in advance so that they can wash their hands first, lest they catch the big gay through the keyboard". Feel free to ignore those people entirely.

[Maitimo]

1 hour ago, suzyst said:

There are thousands of furries, demons, lycans etc. wandering around who probably wouldn't survive close scrutiny, but there is no great outcry about them being decietful.

This.

Well to be fair, no-one in their right mind expects that there are actual demons, lycans or anthro animals wandering around in RL. But still... no-one has ever been concerned that my avatar is very tall and slim, yet I am short and slightly overweight in RL. No-one has ever complained when I wear a skin that's different from my RL ethnicity. No-one is ever bothered that my hair in RL is neither blonde nor red. 

It's only ever gender that people care about. 

 

[Orwar]

7 minutes ago, Matty Luminos said:

Well to be fair, no-one in their right mind expects that there are actual demons, lycans or anthro animals wandering around in RL.

   Oh, you'd be surprised ... I've had a mention of being a vampire in my profile for ages, and there's been plenty (around a dozen or so) people asking if I'm a 'vampire in RL'. 

[BelindaN]

2 hours ago, Orwar said:

   Oh, you'd be surprised ... I've had a mention of being a vampire in my profile for ages, and there's been plenty (around a dozen or so) people asking if I'm a 'vampire in RL'. 

Well, if you eat black pudding.......

 

[Rhonda Huntress]

5 hours ago, RaeLeeH said:

* In Second Life as with any other website, online game, or anything virtual do not give out more information about yourself than you are prepared to lose. Once it's out there, it's out there forever, and you have no way to control what's done with that information.

I have never heard it put this way but very true and bears repeating.

[Amina Sopwith]

It's a difficult and emotive subject, but my personal feeling, if you argue it right down to the philosophical absolutes, is that within SL, the right to protect your RL information is more important than someone else's right to access it. And if you're in SL, you need to be prepared for the possibility that people aren't necessarily going to be who they say they are. 

6 hours ago, Matty Luminos said:

It's only ever gender that people care about. 

Yep. 

6 hours ago, AyelaNewLife said:

I'm just going to echo the fact that you are under no obligation to tell anyone anything about any RL details, including your RL sex/gender. You have to balance up immersion (yours and others) with people potentially choosing to feel deceived or acting abusively towards you, and it's ultimately a personal choice that no one else can or should make for you, and there isn't really a 'right' answer to this.

When someone says "be whoever you want to be... just be honest", what they're actually saying is "you can dress up however you want, just be sure to warn people in advance so that they can wash their hands first, lest they catch the big gay through the keyboard". Feel free to ignore those people entirely.

I regret I have but one "like" to give.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Amina Sopwith

[Selene Gregoire]

6 hours ago, AyelaNewLife said:

When someone says "be whoever you want to be... just be honest", what they're actually saying is "you can dress up however you want, just be sure to warn people in advance so that they can wash their hands first, lest they catch the big gay through the keyboard". Feel free to ignore those people entirely.

That is not what I was saying. Apparently the words "if asked" mean nothing. It's really more than sad when wanting and needing people to be honest so a relationship/friendship can blossom based on a solid foundation has become anathema. Who cares though as long as they get to watch the world burn. 

[Simo Vodopan]

Considering it's Second Life; a platform to be anything and do anything I'd say it's frowned upon on those that frown upon others for playing as a female. As such, I got no problem with it and eitherway; I got no problem with it period.

The only issue I have with that is if someone is clearly catfishing and lies about their gender (playing with someone's emotions etc). That's not cool. Otherwise? Go for it. I play as a male (primarily), a herm and a female as a real life male myself and I give no *****s knowing the world we're playing in. If any of them have a problem over it even with you being honest then they're just cucks that aren't worth being around.

Plain and simple.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Simo Vodopan

[Lewis Luminos]

On 2/28/2020 at 4:00 AM, Sisil String said:

I keep taking breaks because I dont like playing a male avatar and I feel like people might think I'm a freak of I play as a female avatar? Should I go back and play as a female or play as a male but be unhappy with MY SECOND LIFE? Any tips or advice anyone can give me?

No, people won't think you're a freak for having a female avatar. Lots of guys do, for all sorts of reasons, and the only "wrong" reason is deliberate catfishing. And no, declining to disclose your RL gender does not count as catfishing.

I have a female alt, and she's not only a different gender from me but also a different ethnicity. 

[Eva Nova]

I have encountered a few people in SL who have wanted to be a different gender. Actually I think SL is a brilliant place to allow people to explore it and thats great.

But I would beg these people to be honest.

Twice I have entered into a romantic relationship and both times I have found in retrospect that  I was in a same sex experience. I am not a lesbian and found the experience extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant once I knew. I do not do relationships for this reason.

Edited March 2, 2020 by Evarne

[Raevyn Addams]

7 minutes ago, Evarne said:

I have encountered a few people in SL who have wanted to be a different gender. Actually I think SL is a brilliant place to allow people to explore it and thats great.

But I would beg these people to be honest.

Twice I have entered into a romantic relationship and both times I have found in retrospect that  I was in a same sex experience. I am not a lesbian and found the experience extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant once I knew. I do not do relationships for this reason.

In no way am I negating your experience or objecting to your opinion; you have every right to have one as do I. But personally I think entering into a relationship with someone outside of fiction/RP constraints can be problematic and asking for trouble primarily because you never really know for sure who you're playing with or if anything they tell you is true.

Voice verification and photos can be "faked" and Skype or other face time apps will certainly come in handy for verification but again not 100% foolproof if someone has a lot of friends. Even once you establish the person is who they say they are you have to ensure they aren't actually already in a relationship with someone else (either in the virtual world or the real one), or that the rest of the information they've given you factually checks out. No one wants to feel like they're being interrogated just to be with someone else. Relationships online require a heavy dose of trust on both sides with so much room for misinterpretation or flat out deceit possible compared to face to-face-physical relationships in my humble opinion. But even face-to-face real world relationships face this same problem so again it's a risk people take.

I'm not saying no one should ever enter into relationships online. We probably all know of someone in real life who met a stranger in the virtual world and things blossomed in the real world. But personally as a born skeptic I take this as the exception to the rule. 

As has been said, being honest to appease others comes at a cost to the player looking to experience life as someone else other than what they really are. Yes it is still a lie when you enter a relationship with someone else under false pretenses but I still don't believe this deceit comes from a negative or hurtful place. Sometimes things "just happen" beyond both parties control.

Much of the time relationships aren't spontaneous events but develop over time. So you meet someone in Second Life you think is male and get to know them. You talk, hang out, have fun, and friendships form. Before you know it you start feeling a connection to this person (or they for you) and want to take it a step further. But there's a problem. By rejecting the relationship the person risks offending or upsetting someone they have come to view as a (probably close) friend; you. When you ask them why they don't want to be your partner they are faced with a choice and neither of them have a positive outcome. If they confess they really are female then everything you've built together up to this point unravels. If they continue along with the guise of being male then they know one day eventually the truth will come out and you will feel hurt and betrayed more than if you learn the truth now; either way they hurt you. Being honest means they risk losing you, their friend, and whatever you've built to that point when possibly to their mind they never saw a problem with the relationship as it was in the first place or saw the need for it to change or progress forward. They may get lucky and find you really don't care about them being a woman, and the two of you may even develop a stronger friendship instead of the romantic one you intended. But again a rare exception to the rule.

I have been caught out in this exact situation with my main account long before I joined the forums so I can only speak to what I know. I can tell you it feels absolutely s***y to be that person who has to be "honest" when you don't want to hurt a friend. I don't, can't, and won't speak for anyone else, and it would be naive of me to say that everyone who enters online relationships does so with good intentions. Some people are just jerks. But by that same token I don't believe everyone who plays as another gender and doesn't "be honest" is looking to lie to or hurt you either. They just wanted to experience life as someone else, and then a friend came along...

🙂

[Sisil String]

Thank you for your support everyone!! I will definitely do some SL soul searching:)

[Amina Sopwith]

As an interesting side point observation...for her book Self Made Man, Norah Vincent, a gay woman, disguised herself as a man called Ned and undertook various masculine experiences such as joining a monastery and online dating. (She had a rule that she would come clean if a meeting went beyond a couple of dates.) When messaging women on the dating sites, she made no attempt to sound "like a man"; she communicated exactly as herself, as she would normally do. 

She had a high level of emotional awareness and intelligence, and the women she spoke to, all of whom were straight, loved it. She spoke to a few of them after one date, telling them the truth and asking for their reactions. On more than one occasion, the women said that they had absolutely loved her sensitivity and emotional intelligence while messaging, as these were the qualities that they often found were lacking in the men they had dated and it was frustrating. It was once they met up that the attraction dropped, as lots of them were not attracted to how small and feminine Ned was.

They were completely straight women with no bisexual leanings, but they were still very attracted to the poetic, sensitive and emotionally aware side of Ned. 

Edited March 2, 2020 by Amina Sopwith

[Selene Gregoire]

2 hours ago, Amina Sopwith said:

They were completely straight women with no bisexual leanings, but they were still very attracted to the poetic, sensitive and emotionally aware side of Ned. 

Frankly, they were attracted to someone that, in effect, did not exist. Like a character from a book. And that's where the trust issues start.

There is a reason the truth hurts sometimes. That's how you know you need to do something about your own behavior.

[Zzevir]

As a heterosexual male I can say I don't give a 💩. If a man play a woman or woman play a man. Or what ever.

[Remi Alpha]

On 3/2/2020 at 2:59 AM, Sisil String said:

Thank you for your support everyone!! I will definitely do some SL soul searching:)

I know how you feel

[Kreszentia Waydelich]

Most important thing is that you remain honest towards the people who actually care about you, the deceit some people play with is what gives this subject a poor reputation. I met many who turned out to be men, even a few men who turned out to be women. I don't really question their reasoning,  I just appreciate their honesty. 

Besides I am far too curious to reject people who do, it's more enjoyable to hear them out! 

[SusanPoora]

On 2/28/2020 at 12:00 PM, Sisil String said:

Hello, my name is Sisil String here in SL, I have been off and on the grid for over 10 years now, when I first started playing I presented as female. As the months and years led on I started using voice more often and transitioned my avatar to male to avoid explaining why I played a female, or even the thought of explaining to someone so I stopped using voice. I like playing ad a female, because I just love dressing them up and all of the different options we have on the grid to customize.

I am married in real life, so I'm not even looking for anything romantic in second life. I love the friends, games, and RP here. Along with shopping and hanging out and meeting people. 

I keep taking breaks because I dont like playing a male avatar and I feel like people might think I'm a freak of I play as a female avatar? Should I go back and play as a female or play as a male but be unhappy with MY SECOND LIFE? Any tips or advice anyone can give me?

Sorry for the long dragged on personal novel. I just had to get it off my chest.

Hey! Be it whatever you want to be in SL, however YOU choose to express yourself, whatever that makes YOU enjoy SL and be happy, DO NOT hesitate to do that! It's your imagination over here, so let it out free however you love it, that's worth it. It is NEVER worth it to FIT INTO something in SL, especially if you DON'T enjoy it. 

 

I hope you are already wandering around the grid as a female, girl! Be happy and let it flow!

[sceneris]

there's nothing wrong playing a female avatar, it is your freedom to be whoever you want to be

[Arduenn Schwartzman]

On 2/28/2020 at 5:00 AM, Sisil String said:

Should I go back and play as a female or play as a male but be unhappy with MY SECOND LIFE?

Do what makes you the least unhappy, unless you like a challenge.

[Rathgrith027]

On 2/27/2020 at 11:00 PM, Sisil String said:

Hello, my name is Sisil String here in SL, I have been off and on the grid for over 10 years now, when I first started playing I presented as female. As the months and years led on I started using voice more often and transitioned my avatar to male to avoid explaining why I played a female, or even the thought of explaining to someone so I stopped using voice. I like playing ad a female, because I just love dressing them up and all of the different options we have on the grid to customize.

I am married in real life, so I'm not even looking for anything romantic in second life. I love the friends, games, and RP here. Along with shopping and hanging out and meeting people. 

I keep taking breaks because I dont like playing a male avatar and I feel like people might think I'm a freak of I play as a female avatar? Should I go back and play as a female or play as a male but be unhappy with MY SECOND LIFE? Any tips or advice anyone can give me?

Sorry for the long dragged on personal novel. I just had to get it off my chest.

As a transgender woman who before coming out was cross-gender in SL, as well as having close friends who do so - I find it absurd why people are so closeminded about the idea or point of adopting a virtual identity in-world that is not 1:1 to their own IRL. To paraphrase Orthopox-13 from Destroy All Humans - The name of the game is Second Life - not "Dance to some stupid record and not be creative'.

I make my gender identity clearly known in SL, and honestly no one makes an issue out of it and I'm upfront about who I am. All that I expect of you, and anyone should really - is to be honest and open.

To quote the late, great Garry's Mod content creator Colin "Kitty0706" Wyckoff:

"It's your s**t, man, do whatever the F*** you want!"

On 2/28/2020 at 12:20 PM, Selene Gregoire said:

Can recommend the Astereas. My personal favorites from them.

Edited March 9, 2020 by Rathgrith027

[Maitimo]

On 2/29/2020 at 11:50 AM, Matty Luminos said:

As an experiment, I've temporarily removed references to my RL gender from my profile. I'm curious to see what changes.

So it's been just over a week since I started this little experiment and, even considering that I have been to a few new places, nothing has really changed.

I haven't even had one of those "hi, how r u" IMs.

[Selene Gregoire]

1 hour ago, Matty Luminos said:

So it's been just over a week since I started this little experiment and, even considering that I have been to a few new places, nothing has really changed.

I haven't even had one of those "hi, how r u" IMs.

Maybe, just maybe, between the threads that were on SLU and the ones here over the years, "they" finally got the message.

.

.

.

Nah. That would be too much of a good thing.