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Are people venturing into roleplay to find love?


Frank Ziplon
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I can't speak about other genres of roleplay, I am referring to urban roleplay in specific, no matter what the sub genre of that urban is. I am finding more and more, that people are not differentiating between a character and a roleplayer. It could be that it is just my experience, so I welcome hearing from other roleplayers on the subject. I would like to start by giving an example of a communication I had with someone as a result of an advert they placed in a roleplay group, this is the abridged version and no names are mentioned, other than first names. The advert was pretty basic and I do not remember the exact details, but as I result, I felt another group would be of specific interest to her, so I sent an IM and contacted her. The conversation that followed, was quite disturbing.

She was seeking a one on one partner who would be romantically attached to her character, though this aspect was not mentioned in her original advert. She explained that she had previously had a role partner on discord who had all but abandoned her. We got into a conversation about her needs and she felt I would be suitable, I explained that none of my characters were looking to settle down and that I tend to have more than one role-play partner and also enjoy playing in groups. She responded with "yeah i know and i dont want to suffer through my avatar being cheated on when i've been through so much in my own life." I explained again that my characters would not be suitable and she responded with "i want to roleplay but i'm selfish. cherry will want frank to herself and then it'll get dramatic and sh***y. i mean yeah life isn't always perfect and trust me, i've had experiences with people who roleplay with others as in other rp partners and i dont really mind about it and i've tended to compromise in which my character is theirs' 'favorite'. spends the most time with her, dotes on her the most, etc etc. soo.." The conversation got very awkward in the end, with her saying "so there's absolutely no chance of you making an alt or anything?", I explained I had two alts already and that neither of the characters on them were suitable for her needs either and that I liked playing the bad lads of life. She responded with "you can't....just have one....not be a cheater...?" The conversation went on and on with her eventually trying to adjust her wants to suit mine, which of course I was having none of as something felt off to me.

Does it seem odd to anybody else that a person feels they can suffer through a roleplay character if the other character cheats on them? Maybe I am too cold about it all and just see the stories and characters, I don't know, which is why I would like some third party perspective. To me, even if character's are romantically involved, there should be no expectation that cheating should not occur. Pushing that aside, asking someone to make an alt to suit your wants, seems a big ask. I guess it was her obsession with cheating that disturbed me the most though. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to hurt anybody in Second Life as a result of my roleplay, I try to be as clear as possible as to how I see things, but how is one to know that others are not taking it more seriously as in, perhaps they are not playing a character at all?

This is of course not the only situation that makes me ask this question. I have also noticed a lot of profiles these days containing prerequisites regarding who other roleplayers should be in real life, I'm not talking things like location, I mean traits.

To me, in roleplay, the characters are the important personalities and not the people behind them. The stories are not real, the romances are not real etc etc.

Anyway, I welcome the thoughts of others, but to be clear, by Urban, I do not include family roleplay, where I know people take things a little more seriously and do tend to bring their real life self into the equation.

Edited by Frank Ziplon
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I don't do urban (or family) RP, but I have been reading in the forums for several years, and my feeling is that what different people consider as RP covers a very wide range - from those with specific characters with specific traits and profiles, where all their actions should be seen strictly as RP and confined to an RP session,  to the other end where people think that what ever it is they do here is some type of RP (because they're not really like this in real life).  I've seen posts in the RP sub-forum which look like someone really is looking for a true non-RP romantic partner (especially when they talk about it being open to take to RL) and I've seen posts in the Relationships sub-forum that look like they should have been in the RP sub-forum.

I think that the best thing you can do, between trying to read between the lines of posts seeking RP partners, is to make sure that you discuss up front with the other person how they see the relationship (does it extend outside of RP sessions, for example) and also explain how you see these RP relationships, to make sure that you both have the same expectations before beginning any RP.

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Are people venturing into roleplay to find love?? nope, they are venturing to secondlife to find love. The few  ones who really find it spent a lot of time to find people, know them better, develop a relationship etc. RP groups are the easiest way to have a lover without working too much on it

 

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Some people are just bad at roleplay. Not being able to seperate IC from OOC is bad roleplay. But thats not something people plan to do. If they do join RP with the goal to find love, then they are incredible stupid/naive, because they are ignoring what RP is and set themselves up for drama and a broken heart.

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12 hours ago, moirakathleen said:

I don't do urban (or family) RP, but I have been reading in the forums for several years, and my feeling is that what different people consider as RP covers a very wide range - from those with specific characters with specific traits and profiles, where all their actions should be seen strictly as RP and confined to an RP session,  to the other end where people think that what ever it is they do here is some type of RP (because they're not really like this in real life).  I've seen posts in the RP sub-forum which look like someone really is looking for a true non-RP romantic partner (especially when they talk about it being open to take to RL) and I've seen posts in the Relationships sub-forum that look like they should have been in the RP sub-forum.

I think that the best thing you can do, between trying to read between the lines of posts seeking RP partners, is to make sure that you discuss up front with the other person how they see the relationship (does it extend outside of RP sessions, for example) and also explain how you see these RP relationships, to make sure that you both have the same expectations before beginning any RP.

Your response has made me think that maybe what I'm looking for isn't as "weird" or impossible as I had imagined. :D 

I've been hoping to eventually find someone who wants to RP the whole family/marriage/kids thing but without an expectation or desire for RL romance and love. I'm not looking for a sexual relationship or ownership, or even full time companionship. I just want to find someone who would be a good friend but nothing more, someone who enjoys family RP too and wants to build onto their family unit. But it seems like what you generally find is the opposite- generally with men, a highly sexual relationship and desire for voice, cam and the whole thing going a little more into RL than I'd be comfortable with. I think women are often looking for RL romance and someone to stick with them and make them feel special, loved and wanted. I get it.... that's what I want in RL! But in SL, I want to have fun. I don't want drama.

Its hard to find people that are looking for the same things as yourself, especially if they are not completely open with themselves and others on exactly what that is.

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16 hours ago, Frank Ziplon said:

To me, even if character's are romantically involved, there should be no expectation that cheating should not occur.

To me too. SL roleplay is open-ended, not a pre-scripted stage play, so cheating, or whatever else, for that matter, including character death, could occur at any time (pretty much like real life, actually, just that real life is less open-ended in so far that the player will, at least physically, certainly die in the end while a roleplay character might ride off into an eternal sunset). 

As long as it's clear from the get-go that it's roleplay, and you're not "shamelessly flirting" while chatting out of character with the character's player, there shouldn't be a big issue.

However, I do think that many people identify with their characters and have vague boundaries, and just as you have people who get pissy with you, the player, when your character is being a jerk to their character, you also have people who'll fall in love with you, the player, when their character falls in love with yours. 

The default should be 'roleplay is roleplay' and it's not your problem if the other person can't handle that, but in practice, it's certainly best to do what you can to avoid such things happening, that is make your rules clear and don't play "seriously" with people you suspect have a different attitude.

Having said all that, I do think some people do, and I also think it's perfectly fine to, go into roleplay to find love, but they should make sure to look for that love in the out of character interaction with a player, not in in-character interaction - and of course, there's always the danger of people just roleplaying out of character too, which makes it pretty risky to put one's heart and time into that. It's certainly possible to find love "through" roleplay but sl is a tricky slope for that, and to look for love "in" roleplay and project it to love out of roleplay with no signs of the other person wanting it, is unfair.

If someone sets off your alarms and crosses your boundaries, it's probably best to not even go into it or get out of it a s a p.

My idea is to go into both roleplay and the rest of sl without expectations and see what happens, but I'll avoid people I foresee too much trouble with, I wouldn't want to play with someone you describe. 

It's great that she was so open about it, though, like that you can both avoid issues by not engaging, and she can go on to hopefully find someone who is a good fit for what she wants.

And I'm sure you can find people to roleplay with, even as romantic partner, from the start, too, who'll happily keep things in character, and even would enjoy roleplay with cheating included.

Maybe SL should develop some kind of checkmark questionnaire for the profile to clearly indicate such things, in an easily skimmable way ;)

Edited by rayyn
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19 hours ago, PandoriaMoonshadow said:

Your response has made me think that maybe what I'm looking for isn't as "weird" or impossible as I had imagined. :D 

I've been hoping to eventually find someone who wants to RP the whole family/marriage/kids thing but without an expectation or desire for RL romance and love. I'm not looking for a sexual relationship or ownership, or even full time companionship. I just want to find someone who would be a good friend but nothing more, someone who enjoys family RP too and wants to build onto their family unit. But it seems like what you generally find is the opposite- generally with men, a highly sexual relationship and desire for voice, cam and the whole thing going a little more into RL than I'd be comfortable with. I think women are often looking for RL romance and someone to stick with them and make them feel special, loved and wanted. I get it.... that's what I want in RL! But in SL, I want to have fun. I don't want drama.

Its hard to find people that are looking for the same things as yourself, especially if they are not completely open with themselves and others on exactly what that is.

What you are looking for isn't weird at all, if family RP in SL were like that, I would give it a go, well perhaps less the kids. A friend of mine who is friends with a male family roleplayer out of character, finds herself getting all kinds of headaches in IM, where he has become so lost in the drama of the RP, problems with his wife, problems with his ex wife, kids, grandkids, he really seems to have lost himself to this roleplay. He is always contacting her feeling depressed. He's a nice guy, I have met him in world too, but to me, if any RP is taking you to the point of it having impact on your mental well being, that is the time to quit.

Edited by Frank Ziplon
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I'd dated my RP partners in the past and they were always good relationships, but I generally never went into the relationship looking for that. Though, that is given that it wasn't SecondLife based where it seems a lot more people blur the lines between RP and relationships. They use the RP term to more or less lure people int relationships. I had a really bad experience on a fantasy sim where two male friends tried to "claim" me ic and ooc even though we'd known each other less than a day and all I wanted was RP. Needless to say I have not gone back to that sim. But it seems these sorts of people lurk in all places. Though I do understand wanting monogamy in a roleplay situation - it's something I prefer in written relationships but I understand why I feel that way and due to that I try to only ask for those things with people who are like minded and if they aren't then shucks we can still write. 

Again I am very new to the SL RP community but it is something I have noticed rather early. I've RP'd a lot on other platforms and in different styles ect but it does seem an unhealthy look of roleplay and relationships here. 

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18 hours ago, NewLuden said:

I'd dated my RP partners in the past and they were always good relationships, but I generally never went into the relationship looking for that. Though, that is given that it wasn't SecondLife based where it seems a lot more people blur the lines between RP and relationships. They use the RP term to more or less lure people int relationships. I had a really bad experience on a fantasy sim where two male friends tried to "claim" me ic and ooc even though we'd known each other less than a day and all I wanted was RP. Needless to say I have not gone back to that sim. But it seems these sorts of people lurk in all places. Though I do understand wanting monogamy in a roleplay situation - it's something I prefer in written relationships but I understand why I feel that way and due to that I try to only ask for those things with people who are like minded and if they aren't then shucks we can still write. 

Again I am very new to the SL RP community but it is something I have noticed rather early. I've RP'd a lot on other platforms and in different styles ect but it does seem an unhealthy look of roleplay and relationships here. 

Hi NewLuden, I find your thoughts on this subject very interesting, moreso in that you are very new to the SL RP community, you are seeing things with fresh eyes. I am sorry that you had a bad experience in that sim where two men tried to "claim" you, but never let anybody drive you away from a sim. You probably know this by now, but it is possible to derender and block an individual in SL, so you never have to see them nor their communications ever again.

Most SL roleplayers are very grounded and respect that it is all just fun involving characters, regardless of the format of RP involved and as such, have no expectations of the person sitting at the keyboard whatsoever. So I hope you have gone on to find better experiences since that bad one.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Frank Ziplon said:

Hi NewLuden, I find your thoughts on this subject very interesting, moreso in that you are very new to the SL RP community, you are seeing things with fresh eyes. I am sorry that you had a bad experience in that sim where two men tried to "claim" you, but never let anybody drive you away from a sim. You probably know this by now, but it is possible to derender and block an individual in SL, so you never have to see them nor their communications ever again.

Most SL roleplayers are very grounded and respect that it is all just fun involving characters, regardless of the format of RP involved and as such, have no expectations of the person sitting at the keyboard whatsoever. So I hope you have gone on to find better experiences since that bad one.

Thank you so much for your response! I've found a relatively nice place to RP so far but I am still adjusting to the SL culture to things. I'm generally a pretty private RPer and I enjoy building worlds and casts of characters and what not. I've learned that it is not quite the same in some sims which disappoints me but I can work around it. And as far as going back to that sim, I am not too sure. I was less worried about their harassment and more about what they would spread to others and I would have a hard time making friends so I just skipped the sim all together to avoid anxiety ect. Though on several occasions they brought other women to the sim I liked  to hang out in and do lewd things infront of me. But - yes. So far things are looking up a bit but I do hope I can make more friends that enjoy the things I do.

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I have a 3 day rule for my RP. When someone approaches me on a Roleplay Sim, or i approach them, i will not go into any ooc for the first 3 days except to answer very briefly to IC related questions. During that time i am usually able to find out if someone is really there for RP, is able to keep things IC and doesn't mess it up with OOC. It worked well during the past 13 years. I have also OOC Group Chats disabled ... i just do not want to know and OOC group chats can be very distracting also. If i see that my 'rp partner' isn't able to keep ic and ooc separate, i step back. After all i came for RP and would like to immerse and my Character is  usually not really so very nice but just pretending ... imagine the broken heart drama when they find out i said "i love you" only to get the money from their IC family, using her ICly as a tool ... which could be great RP. I have seen it often enough happen to stay clear of such people. They didn't come to RP anyway.

After those 3 days, when i can be sure they actually are able not to mess ic and ooc up, we can have a laugh in OOC at times and maybe, after a bit time more we can be OOC friends. 

I am always staying clear of women who are obviously only around RP sims to find a master, to have sex or to marry the first man who wasn't able to say no ... just to repeat it all a week later when he vanished. 

 

 

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Just like people can decide to pick a show to watch on tv or netflix depending on it's contents, people can desire to have roleplay that they find enjoyable. You can't expect every person to enjoy roleplaying emotional turmoil, just because they are roleplayers. Surely there are roleplayers that will roleplay everything as it comes- whether it's violence, emotional drama, gore, etc but you can't expect every roleplayer to be open for any kind of limitless roleplay.

Roleplay can be about making openended stories, but also be exploration of forbidden topics, escapism, etc. If my main interest is to roleplay a mostly happy , light-hearted family setting something along the lines of  The Brady Bunch, then themes like murder, suicide, even infidelity might not fit the genre the player had in mind.

There is also a huge difference between wishing for a specific type of roleplay to happen between the characters vs the player making claims over another player ooc.

 

Edited by Lexbot Sinister
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11 hours ago, Lexbot Sinister said:

Roleplay can be about making openended stories, but also be exploration of forbidden topics, escapism, etc. If my main interest is to roleplay a mostly happy , light-hearted family setting something along the lines of  The Brady Bunch, then themes like murder, suicide, even infidelity might not fit the genre the player had in mind.

Yes, Roleplay should be about making openended stories, fitting for the setting, where people step in open minded .. leaving their RL behind but writing a story together. 

And i agree totally with you. I cannot enter rp and just assume the other one is into it to play with my character, as they might have a totally different thing in their mind .. and vice versa. That is why people shouldn't force themselves onto other players and assume they want the same. Thats only good for ooc drama. That's why i approach in the beginning rather causally and give it all time, because if our views on RP differ too much, we will not be compatible.

 

 

 

 

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The OP is just mind boggling to me. I guess I'm just really naive and/or stupid and/or a perpetual noob. I mean, to me, going into a roleplay where you fight dragons, or are a cowboy, or a duck, or... that is just obvious roleplay. Why the heck would anyone go into that kind of roleplay and expect a real relationship? I love roleplay, but I never seem to find a good place. My problems with RP in SL have had to do with other issues, not worrying about some dude secretly wanting to meet up in RL. (Or some woman, wanting to do the same.) At least ... as far as I know.  But it has been a long time since I've RP'd, so maybe that is changing in SL too. These darn whippersnappers coming into SL and effing it all up! Get off my lawn!

Good RP should be like a fun, interactive novel, not Tinder, ffs. Now, there are some sims where intention does easily get muddled, and those are things like the D/s sims, where you have some people really doing D/s and others just role playing, and the problem happens when interactions among these two types happen and neither one knows the other is "doing it differently" from how they are doing it.  I was also at a chat for Survivors of Suicide, an excellent inworld resource. One of the facilitators was saying that not too long ago they had a few people attend the group sessions as a part of their ROLE PLAY inworld. Yeah, that happened. 😱 😐

Basically, there are really stupid people inworld, like the person the OP was talking about.

Edited by Seicher Rae
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On 1/20/2020 at 2:13 AM, Seicher Rae said:

going into a roleplay where you fight dragons, or are a cowboy, or a duck

Laughs. I have visions of some kind of "Howard The Duck" character going through my head, showing my age where that movie is concerned. Of course in urban roleplay there are only usually human characters involved, however the sentiment remains the same in that those characters are in essense no more real than a dragon etc, they are just as much a fabrication of a person's imagination.

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On 1/15/2020 at 6:38 PM, Frank Ziplon said:

Does it seem odd to anybody else that a person feels they can suffer through a roleplay character if the other character cheats on them?

In response to this question: No, it doesn't seen odd.  The things she seeks are the things she emotionally values.

We each come to a roleplay arena, such as SL or others, for our own reasons, for our own searches for something -- from mild interest to relationship experiences to personal growth via experimentation, etc.  I respect her for her full honesty and she would be an interesting person to roleplay with, given her clarity.  One senses how deeply it could go, and with honesty along the way to keep oneself moored so you don't get lost in the netherworld of emotional feelings inside such roleplay contexts.  It is awesome to play a dedicated partner, but with understandings that RL always must come first. But still, those emotional feelings inside the RP are real; they are valuable; they are to be taken carefully, like a narcotic.  It takes the openness she is demonstrating to be able to undertake it.  I congratulate her for it.  But at the same time, I sense maybe she wants to pull it more dearly into her RL.  But honesty about that can help keep the tires on the roleplay vehicle from falling off entirely. 

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A big thank you to everybody who has responded to this topic, I sincerely appreciated you taking the time and enjoyed reading your thoughts, moreso those who went into more detail. 1st Life is getting pretty hectic now and I am not getting much time either inworld or on the forums, so any responses after this message, I may not see for some time.

Edited by Frank Ziplon
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People don`t understand what "role play" means, if you talk to random strangers in SL, they refer to any type of sexual encounter in SL as RP, which is incorrect since they are not another character, their real life self  (physically and emotionally) is very much engaged and invested,  often times rl photos are exchanged, so it is not role play, they are literally being themselves, online and offline...Role play as the actual name says is playing a role, acting, inventing a whole new persona and living through (or creating) a story as someone else...

 I think the term got hijacked and popularized cause it sounds less problematic and in a way lessens the sense of responsibility or even guilt if they have real life partners who are oblivious to their sexual adventures online or perhaps feel judged and ashamed  (for whatever reason) of being sexually active and/or promiscuous.

So you have a misused and misunderstood term RP/role play,  lots of horny and/or lonely ppl  looking for RP sims...Said sims  may be all about Star wars, D&D and  what not, but if it says RP anywhere in the name, description etc, it is very likely to get visited by ppl looking for a date...

Btw, I`m not an RP-r, this is just my observation from a side and what I think went wrong....

Edited by MaxMare
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I agree with Max, people get really confused about the difference between Roleplay and Sexplay/Hooking Up.

Probably that got started by someone who was *cheating* and rationalized it by saying ; “Oh, but it was just roleplay”...

......or Maybe someone who got bad Pixel sex and used “thank you for the RP” as a means of saying bye-bye.....

Not for me to judge motivations; people are people and we do strange things at times 🙂

***DISCLAIMER - THE FOLLOWING GIF IS ROLEPLAY. THE POSTER DOES NOT ACTUALLY LOVE EVERYONE WHO SEES THIS - BUT YOU DO MAKE HER KINDA HOT***

giphy.gif?cid=4d1e4f295d1baa821dc0f6fb37

***DISCLAIMER - THE ABOVE GIF IS ROLEPLAY. THE POSTER DOES NOT ACTUALLY LOVE EVERYONE WHO SEES THIS - BUT YOU DO MAKE HER KINDA HOT***

Edited by AmandaKeen
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