How are you feeling today?

[Cindy Evanier]

1 minute ago, Beth Macbain said:

Sorry, I'm ranting.

You aren't!  

[roseelvira]

 

..

Edited March 25, 2020 by roseelvira

[roseelvira]

 

,,

Edited March 25, 2020 by roseelvira

[roseelvira]

..

Edited March 25, 2020 by roseelvira

[Fauve Aeon]

4 hours ago, Beth Macbain said:

. I absolutely have to belief - to cling to the belief - that this is bringing out the very best in humanity and not the worst.

I expected both, and I’m seeing both. I’m not shocked. I hate the negativity too. I’m not a Pollyanna, I just think it’s good to do all I can do, after thinking it through, then make the best of any situation I cannot escape. Stay ready to change plans as new info becomes available. Otherwise I feel helpless and hopeless, which I’m not a fan of sitting with. I’m not panicked or scared because I’ve had several good friends who are homesteaders, and off-the-grid people so I know how to go to ground and keep calm. 
 

I got some good sleep last night so it always helps me! I practice HALT check-ins, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. And then act accordingly. So far, so good! 👍

[Seicher Rae]

Sigh. This day gets worse. And I made the mistake to look into some other threads that are fairly nasty. :::wrote stuff/deleted stuff here::: Sigh. There really are some as*hats here. IKR? On the Internet? Shocked, I tell you! Sigh.  :::snuggles down into one of the few safe-ish places here and considers a much needed glass of wine (it has been weeks!)::::

ETA: ^^^ the .gif could be cross posted in Beth's self-care thread, cuz that's one of my tried and true methods

Edited March 24, 2020 by Seicher Rae

[Elena Blossom]

6 hours ago, Beth Macbain said:

I'm feeling angry right now. I'm really angry that so many people are looking at worst case scenarios and the negativity is getting to me. 

I haven't checked the news in a while, and asked my family not to mention the subject around me/when calling me. Silly, but it's working for me, if it is of any help.

I am feeling much better despite everything around me; I know mental balance will be what helps to overcome this situation... It's been two weeks, it will be more, but if i'm in a balanced state, I won't end up jumping and hanging from the lamps

Edited March 24, 2020 by Elena Core

[Da5id Weatherwax]

2 hours ago, Beth Macbain said:

Freaking family, amirite?

They are your freakin' family, we're your "freaky family"

One or the other will always be there for ya

[BelindaN]

Family can sometimes be a boat anchor. I'm facing the same dilemma with my mother. We did the whole care thing up to 14th Feb. Everything. Then she had a fall. Hospital tried to get her home after 3 days. That became two weeks. They sent her home with carers, but a week later she's back in with a chest infection. A week later she's home. A week latet after two falls she's back in hospital, and they are finally thinking she needs 24 hour care. That can't be me. Even though she's maybe 7 stone, I can't hold her up. So now we wait for the decision. They need her out of hospital because of the covid situation, but if they send her home, in a week she'll be back in. That alone is super stressful, because every time the phone rings, it's something about my mother. Hospital, carers, social services, district nurse. 

It takes me to the edge, and it wouldn't take much to tip me over, especially as things are.  

 

[LittleMe Jewell]

I'm actually getting pissed at what appears to be too many folks not taking this very seriously. 

It's one thing for the top dude to say all the crap that he says - we all know that he's just a blowhard anyway, saying whatever just happens to pop into his mind at any given moment without bother to think first and often saying the opposite sometime later.  But there are still people in places like New York and California that are totally ignoring the social distancing.  Heck, in New York they are actually going to start issuing tickets because people apparently just don't give a damn about others.  There are pictures of folks out playing basketball and soccer games. On top of that, there is actually a college in Virginia that is allowing the kids to return to campus.  WTH!?!?!  If they were basically locked down there and not allowed to leave campus once they get there, then I'm okay with it -- but we all know that won't happen.

 

[roseelvira]

!

Edited March 25, 2020 by roseelvira

[roseelvira]

 

 

 

.

Edited March 25, 2020 by roseelvira
my spelling again grrrrrr

[roseelvira]

 

.

Edited March 25, 2020 by roseelvira

[Panteleeva]

8 hours ago, Beth Macbain said:

You all help me keep my sanity. You really do.

This blood dread and anger all day has a reason now - my sister is being released from the psych hospital today and I feel quite strongly that she isn't ready, and equally strongly that I cannot and will not be her caretaker. And that makes me feel like a big meanie, but I already did my duty being the caretaker for both my parents and giving up a good portion of my life for that. I'm freaking done with it. I didn't get married or have kids for a reason. I take care of myself. My sister has been married for 45 years and has a 40 year old daughter. It's THEIR job, not mine. 

Sorry, I'm ranting. I've already ranted to my family and they know where I stand on this. I love her, and will be there for her, but I won't be some pillar of strength for her when I need to be one for myself.

Freaking family, amirite?

i m so understand this 

[Cindy Evanier]

It's only 7 am and I am steaming mad right now.  I posted on my RL facebook in response to something in my generally jokey way about just receiving a delivery of my new PJ's so I am good to go.  Innocent off the cuff reply that was in keeping with the other responders posting about them having wine, or chocs or whatever.  My ex-sister-in-law makes a snarky response about me not having a job or I wouldn't be video-conferencing in my PJs.  I would love a job.  I would love to be able to be fit enough to walk my own dog even.  She knows full well that part of my life was abruptly stolen from me 5 years ago with this illness.  I can say all that to you guys here and I thank you all for that but my response to her was a *you aren't getting to me ****** reply of..... oh I would happily accept video calls from anyone who wants to see my new PJs once I finish home school for today    I think after that I will get all glammed up later, put on my PJs, full face of makeup (if I can remember how)  and post a selfie of myself sitting feet up on my desk.  

Like @Seicher Rae  I am scrolling on some threads that are making me so mad.  One in particular makes me want to reach in the screen and shake someone.  I have written and deleted so many times but my responses would get me banned.  

The sun is up already.  It's going to be 16c  again (56 F)  So I am planning to be outside as much as possible doing lessons with the boy.  

Edited March 25, 2020 by Cindy Evanier

[Rhonda Huntress]

I woke up at 4:00 AM with a massive headache.  Yay Spring Migraines!  Coffee and aspirin have brought it down to manageable at least.

Today it is supposed to get to 90°F (32°c).  It's a little early to start getting this hot but this year I am not complaining at all.  I wish I could share the warm weather with everyone.

In other news, Texas Lt Gov Dan Patrick says the elderly should die for the good of the economy.
Seriously, he said that.

....

Even so, I am in a good place. I have more hugs to offer.

 

[Seicher Rae]

24 minutes ago, Rhonda Huntress said:

I woke up at 4:00 AM with a massive headache.  Yay Spring Migraines!  Coffee and aspirin have brought it down to manageable at least.

Today it is supposed to get to 90°F (32°c).  It's a little early to start getting this hot but this year I am not complaining at all.  I wish I could share the warm weather with everyone.

In other news, Texas Lt Gov Dan Patrick says the elderly should die for the good of the economy.
Seriously, he said that.

....

Even so, I am in a good place. I have more hugs to offer.

 

Sorry about your allergy stuff. And like, yeah, allergy symptoms aren't going to add more confusion/panic to the whole COVID thing, right?

I *love* the bunny pic.

And we need so many more emoticons. And what emoticon is the facepalming, "wtf?" and angry one for the brilliant statement by Dan Patrick? How does a so-called sentient being even utter that? And... he should volunteer to lead the way, and I don't mean by just saying he would, but actually do it. Not that I doubted you Rhonda, but I had to see for myself. Here's the direct quote in case anyone is interested. 

Appearing on Fox News, Patrick told Tucker Carlson, “No one reached out to me and said, ‘As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?’” But if they had? “If that is the exchange, I’m all in,” Patrick said. He continued: “That doesn’t make me noble or brave or anything like that. I just think there are lots of grandparents out there in this country, like me, I have six grandchildren, that what we all care about and what we love more than anything are those children. And I want to live smart and see through this, but I don’t want the whole country to be sacrificed…I’ve talked to hundreds of people, Tucker, and just in the last week, making calls all the time, and everyone says pretty much the same thing. That we can’t lose our whole country, we’re having an economic collapse. I’m also a small businessman, I understand it. And I talk with businesspeople all the time, Tucker. My heart is lifted tonight by what I heard the president say because we can do more than one thing at a time, we can do two things. So my message is let’s get back to work, let’s get back to living. Let’s be smart about it and those of us who are 70-plus, we’ll take care of ourselves. But don’t sacrifice the country, don’t do that, don’t ruin this great America.”

[Arquet]

16 hours ago, Beth Macbain said:

You all help me keep my sanity. You really do.

This blood dread and anger all day has a reason now - my sister is being released from the psych hospital today and I feel quite strongly that she isn't ready, and equally strongly that I cannot and will not be her caretaker. And that makes me feel like a big meanie, but I already did my duty being the caretaker for both my parents and giving up a good portion of my life for that. I'm freaking done with it. I didn't get married or have kids for a reason. I take care of myself. My sister has been married for 45 years and has a 40 year old daughter. It's THEIR job, not mine. 

Sorry, I'm ranting. I've already ranted to my family and they know where I stand on this. I love her, and will be there for her, but I won't be some pillar of strength for her when I need to be one for myself.

Freaking family, amirite?

Families are hard. No, you're not ranting. Here's a hug (no images...just pick whatever image you want - kitten, puppy polar bears, spiders... ok, maybe not spiders...)

[Marigold Devin]

On 3/23/2020 at 3:59 PM, Beth Macbain said:

I woke up feeling better this morning, but I just suddenly got hit with a giant wave of anxiety. I hate when that happens. I don't know why - literally nothing changed from one second to the next except my BP shot up and suddenly I want to scream. 

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate this. There's nothing to do but try to breath through it. Ugh.

 

On 3/23/2020 at 4:40 PM, Selene Gregoire said:

Lost.

Alone.

Unneeded.

Unwanted.

Permanently isolated from the rest of humanity.

I keep asking myself why I keep trying when the past 60 years have proved, beyond all doubt, I'm hopeless.

Every. Single. Person. On here, and in real life. Every single one of you has a purpose in this world, and without your presence in it, things would be very different. Anxiety is hideous. Feeling isolated and alone is horrible, and with the current world situation, all the negative stuff that we all have in real life feels exaggerated. 

I think our sleep must be affected, as not every part of our brain shuts down for sleep, and I think the anxiety and feelings of despair that hit us happens when the teeny tiny part of our brain responsible for keeping us rational and a bit more positive decides to slumber while the rest of our over-thinking areas of our brain are wide awake, we have these horrible times that make us feel we are down a deep dark hole.

It feels ironic to me that the sun has been shining here non-stop for the past few days. I even saw my first butterfly and bumble bee yesterday afternoon as I stood in my brother's garden being sworn at by his next-door-but-one neighbour for "feeding the bleedin' pigeons" (!), but all that I still have in my head is being sworn at! It made me feel like a steaming turd actually for a few hours afterwards.  

I. Love. Pigeons!  We used to actually be able to buy pots of corn to feed them with in Trafalgar Square.  While we do laugh at times at American actors often doing a 'Dick van *****' accent to represent a British character, the film Mary Poppins did depict some of our previous life very well indeed, and the pigeons really were allowed to be fed. Now they are culled and treated like flying rats. 

How I am feeling today - and forgive the long quite self-indulgent post if you can - is I wonder how I had lost four days somewhere. That's how it feels. I feel frustrated with my nearest and dearest in real life, for not taking the two metres of distance order from our prime minister seriously (and actually I feel annoyed that there are builders working on a site nearby to me and they are not taking the two metres of distance order seriously either).  The exponential curve showing just how easily this darn virus can be spread cannot be shown or talked about enough in real life.

I am grateful for this thread. To be able to let off some steam. Every single person within it who has shared something has helped me so much. To know about other people's daily struggles has put mine into perspective, and none of you are miserable, even when you are depressed. Your lovely personalities and sense of humour shine through. 

To LittleMe, I hope you have managed to get some much needed medical items. I can recommend a cream called Epimax - I don't know if you get it where you are. It is prescribed to me, and has been the best thing. Two years ago I had skin like a lizard. Now you can hardly tell I have a problem, to the point that my man friend, who is not given to making many compliments really, commented how lovely and soft my skin is! It does not crack open so much, and coupled with extra moisturising baby bath, I seem to be on top of the condition, apart from a couple of areas in weird places.

To Cindy Evanier, I laughed thinking about jumping off the moon - wonderful memories you made with Ki, and they will last forever. Inspire Park shows there is beauty in the mainland too.  

 

Edited March 25, 2020 by Marigold Devin
can't spell exaggerated

[Seicher Rae]

So, like, I have this bad habit of checking my email first thing in the morning, while I drink my morning coffee. This can be a good or bad thing. Today it is going to set my mood to: more depression. I'm so worked up about the SL relationship that is, at *best* on hold right now due to COVID-19 and the change it caused in availability (see earlier post), that I "worried" off all of my fingernails to the quick and so of course from that brilliance my fingers hurt. That was how I went to bed last night.

This morning I got the new determination for my food stamp allotment. Because I moved and have a new rent, they have to refigure the amount. That's normal. That's even reasonable. I don't like to talk specifics on money, but for those of you who aren't familiar with the system let me blow off some steam and rant a moment.

My disability income is *below* the official poverty level of $12,760/year for one person. BELOW that. Yeah, when I say I'm poor, I ain't joking. The MOST a single person can get from food stamps is $194/month. That's less than $50/week. That does NOT include things like toilet paper (should you be able to find it), dish soap, vitamins or my box o'wine. It is FOOD, period, which does include vegetable seeds for home gardening...I'm disabled and live in an apartment, but hey, the govt will pay for vegetable seeds. Yay? 

When was the last time you went shopping and could manage with less than $50/week? It can be done. I have done it. But... it ain't easy and you really do not get a good healthy diet. But still. That $194 *does* help.

So when I got the below-poverty-level disability decision, my monthly income was LESS THAN my rent. I wasn't living in a fancy place, it is just rents here are just unbelievably stupid. I was able to get rent assistance from the little town that I live in ... surprise, whew and yay! That assistance was based on many things, including me applying for subsidized housing. My food stamps had to be refigured because of that help from the town. Common sense would say "Still very poor" and needs food help, right? Nope. While I still qualified the Food Stamps went from $194 to $113.  mmmkay

My recent move put me into subsidized housing. My income hasn't changed but now my rent is income based and is 30% of my income. That helps tremendously. Not to mention that this place is much nicer than my other apartment, literally across the street. The recent move means another reconsideration for Food Stamps.

Today I learned that because my rent lowered, my Food Stamps have gone to... get this: $16/month. Hahahahahaha. I'm still under poverty level. I still have bills. But apparently I don't need to eat, or as they figure it, I'm so flush with cash now, on my very very low income (that's literally how it is referred to), that I just need $16 for the essentials.

The "good" news? I guess now I can go back to having my groceries delivered. My new apartment has steps that have to be navigated and due to my disability it is difficult and dangerous for me to carry things down stairs. Of course I checked Instacart and basically their website laughed at me for available delivery times.

So, my anxiety is through the roof right now, and my fingers hurt.

ETA: Instacart doesn't take Food Stamp payments, even though a lot of disabled people use their services (or would if they could). IKR? Amazon does take Food Stamps, but not from every state and of course, not from mine.

Edited March 25, 2020 by Seicher Rae

[Pamela Galli]

7 minutes ago, Seicher Rae said:

So, like, I have this bad habit of checking my email first thing in the morning, while I drink my morning coffee. This can be a good or bad thing. Today it is going to set my mood to: more depression. I'm so worked up about the SL relationship that is, at *best* on hold right now due to COVID-19 and the change it caused in availability (see earlier post), that I "worried" off all of my fingernails to the quick and so of course from that brilliance my fingers hurt. That was how I went to bed last night.

This morning I got the new determination for my food stamp allotment. Because I moved and have a new rent, they have to refigure the amount. That's normal. That's even reasonable. I don't like to talk specifics on money, but for those of you who aren't familiar with the system let me blow off some steam and rant a moment.

My disability income is *below* the official poverty level of $12,760/year for one person. BELOW that. Yeah, when I say I'm poor, I ain't joking. The MOST a single person can get from food stamps is $194/month. That's less than $50/week. That does NOT include things like toilet paper (should you be able to find it), dish soap, vitamins or my box o'wine. It is FOOD, period, which does include vegetable seeds for home gardening...I'm disabled and live in an apartment, but hey, the govt will pay for vegetable seeds. Yay? 

When was the last time you went shopping and could manage with less than $50/week? It can be done. I have done it. But... it ain't easy and you really do not get a good healthy diet. But still. That $194 *does* help.

So when I got the below-poverty-level disability decision, my monthly income was LESS THAN my rent. I wasn't living in a fancy place, it is just rents here are just unbelievably stupid. I was able to get rent assistance from the little town that I live in ... surprise, whew and yay! That assistance was based on many things, including me applying for subsidized housing. My food stamps had to be refigured because of that help from the town. Common sense would say "Still very poor" and needs food help, right? Nope. While I still qualified the Food Stamps went from $194 to $113.  mmmkay

My recent move put me into subsidized housing. My income hasn't changed but now my rent is income based and is 30% of my income. That helps tremendously. Not to mention that this place is much nicer than my other apartment, literally across the street. The recent move means another reconsideration for Food Stamps.

Today I learned that because my rent lowered, my Food Stamps have gone to... get this: $16/month. Hahahahahaha. I'm still under poverty level. I still have bills. But apparently I don't need to eat, or as they figure it, I'm so flush with cash now, on my very very low income (that's literally how it is referred to), that I just need $16 for the essentials.

The "good" news? I guess now I can go back to having my groceries delivered. My new apartment has steps that have to be navigated and due to my disability it is difficult and dangerous for me to carry things down stairs. Of course I checked Instacart and basically their website laughed at me for available delivery times.

So, my anxiety is through the roof right now, and my fingers hurt.

No clue where you live but sounds like Texas, one of the states who punished Obama by forever refusing to expand Medicaid.
 

As we speak, tho, the Democrats are fighting to expand SNAP (food stamps) as part of the bill they are working on. Other people like Chef Andres are working on a food distribution plan. We — everyone on the planet — are going to have to work together to survive. And vote.

[Seicher Rae]

16 minutes ago, Marigold Devin said:

While we do laugh at times at American actors often doing a 'Dick van *****' accent to represent a British character

Marigold, I loved your post, for so many things, but I laughed out loud at this. Not only for the giggle about bad accents, but this one in particular... the Forum Auto Cops bleeped out Dy*e. LOL. It did accept Dick though, which if you recall from the early days of this Forum, also used to be bleeped out. Progress? 😄

[Seicher Rae]

3 minutes ago, Pamela Galli said:

No clue where you live but sounds like Texas, one of the states who punished Obama by forever refusing to expand Medicaid.
 

As we speak, tho, the Democrats are fighting to expand SNAP (food stamps) as part of the bill they are working on. Other people like Chef Andres are working on a food distribution plan. We — everyone on the planet — are going to have to work together to survive. And vote.

I live in New England, and sadly this is the system of every state as far as I know. It does vary a bit from state to state, but not that much.

Ah, yes, in one of my former incarnations, I was the friendly CSR over the phone the FIRST year for Obamacare. You know, the time when NONE of the technology for the plan worked? That was fun. It was also fun to explain to people from TX and FL and other red states, why they didn't qualify for assistance. We were not allowed to be political, which of course makes sense, but try explaining "It isn't the ACA" (we were not allowed to acknowledge the term Obamacare) "but rather your stupid state that decided y'all don't need help" without politics. 😄 It can be done! And it was, at least by me. 

Believe me I vote.

 

[Beth Macbain]

The so-called poverty level in this country is utterly insane. It absolutely boggles my mind... just can't get my head wrapped around the idiocy of how that line is decided. It's absurd. 

@Seicher Rae Forgive me if this is insensitive as I don't know the full nature of your disabilities, but have you considered looking at some freelance work you can do online for a little extra cash? I've looked into it a little bit myself, but not enough to really be knowledgeable about it, or if it's possible to get paid under-the-table so it doesn't push you over the insane poverty line. 

And thanks for your concern yesterday, everyone. I'm feeling much better so far this morning, mainly because I took some benadryl and slept like a rock last night, and I know I've not been sleeping well. Being adequately rested is wonderful. I'm also determined to get my ass out of the chair and onto the exercise bike for at least a bit today. And I'm going to make a pot roast. 

My sister seems to be doing okay. She's currently at my brother's house for a couple days as she makes plans for her future. I believe she's going to end her 45 year marriage. I love my brother-in-law, but he's a Trumper, and my sister is even more liberal than I am, and it's caused a lot of problems to surface that were sort of bubbling below. She and her husband have two houses in different cities, and this might be mean of me to say, but she's decided to move into the one closer to her daughter - and NOT in my city. I'm relieved. 

Anyway... big hugs to everyone. We're all alive, so that's something, right? Must take our victories wherever we can get them!

[Marigold Devin]

23 minutes ago, Seicher Rae said:

So, like, I have this bad habit of checking my email first thing in the morning, while I drink my morning coffee. This can be a good or bad thing. Today it is going to set my mood to: more depression. I'm so worked up about the SL relationship that is, at *best* on hold right now due to COVID-19 and the change it caused in availability (see earlier post), that I "worried" off all of my fingernails to the quick and so of course from that brilliance my fingers hurt. That was how I went to bed last night.

This morning I got the new determination for my food stamp allotment. Because I moved and have a new rent, they have to refigure the amount. That's normal. That's even reasonable. I don't like to talk specifics on money, but for those of you who aren't familiar with the system let me blow off some steam and rant a moment.

My disability income is *below* the official poverty level of $12,760/year for one person. BELOW that. Yeah, when I say I'm poor, I ain't joking. The MOST a single person can get from food stamps is $194/month. That's less than $50/week. That does NOT include things like toilet paper (should you be able to find it), dish soap, vitamins or my box o'wine. It is FOOD, period, which does include vegetable seeds for home gardening...I'm disabled and live in an apartment, but hey, the govt will pay for vegetable seeds. Yay? 

When was the last time you went shopping and could manage with less than $50/week? It can be done. I have done it. But... it ain't easy and you really do not get a good healthy diet. But still. That $194 *does* help.

So when I got the below-poverty-level disability decision, my monthly income was LESS THAN my rent. I wasn't living in a fancy place, it is just rents here are just unbelievably stupid. I was able to get rent assistance from the little town that I live in ... surprise, whew and yay! That assistance was based on many things, including me applying for subsidized housing. My food stamps had to be refigured because of that help from the town. Common sense would say "Still very poor" and needs food help, right? Nope. While I still qualified the Food Stamps went from $194 to $113.  mmmkay

My recent move put me into subsidized housing. My income hasn't changed but now my rent is income based and is 30% of my income. That helps tremendously. Not to mention that this place is much nicer than my other apartment, literally across the street. The recent move means another reconsideration for Food Stamps.

Today I learned that because my rent lowered, my Food Stamps have gone to... get this: $16/month. Hahahahahaha. I'm still under poverty level. I still have bills. But apparently I don't need to eat, or as they figure it, I'm so flush with cash now, on my very very low income (that's literally how it is referred to), that I just need $16 for the essentials.

The "good" news? I guess now I can go back to having my groceries delivered. My new apartment has steps that have to be navigated and due to my disability it is difficult and dangerous for me to carry things down stairs. Of course I checked Instacart and basically their website laughed at me for available delivery times.

So, my anxiety is through the roof right now, and my fingers hurt.

ETA: Instacart doesn't take Food Stamp payments, even though a lot of disabled people use their services (or would if they could). IKR? Amazon does take Food Stamps, but not from every state and of course, not from mine.

G-almighty what a challenge you have on your hands as well as living with a disability. I always wonder where governments get their figures from, how they work out what people need to live on. None of them could ever live on what you have to. No wonder your fingernails have been bitten down to the quick. 

I am glad your new apartment is nicer than your old one, but how crap you had to go through the trauma of a house move, extra difficult when you're disabled. 

Darn good you can look on the positive side regarding now being eligible for home deliveries because of how unsafe it would be for you to be carrying things up and down the stairs. 

Your post is very interesting to me on a personal level, just to know what goes on in other countries. My brother is housebound through disability, only ever goes out now to attend hospital appointments. His income went down by half last year, because of him owning his own home, which he can no longer afford to maintain, and is not fit enough to repair himself. It is literally crumbling around his ears. Oh for a money tree to grow in the back yard!