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How do I feel today? How long is the therapy couch..?

I'm exhausted, from the non-stop roller coaster of choosing to go into freefall at the end of August.

I'm apprehensive, about reconnecting with a group of intimate family-like rl friends this weekend, including finding out whether I've successfully dissipated my misguided sister-crush on one of my dearest, longstanding straight loved-ones.

This will be my first xmas with my kids since turning our family arrangements upside down and inside out, and I want my barely-a-home to be a wonderful loving space for our own little family unit.

I'm regretful but otherwise neutral that I've chosen ignore and shut out most of my wider social circles from a life I need to leave behind. But I'm leaving a door open, because there is a history of passion, performance, and music that I need to recreate or reinvent somehow, and I might need collaborators..

I'm resigned, that my reconnection with family since my brother died, isn't going to be the source of safety and breathing space that I've been telling myself I need.

I'm grateful that I've been able to scrape by, through my own work and a little luck here and there, enough to have this xmas with my kids.

I know I haven't done what I need to to ensure I can make it to the end of January, and I need to stop using other peoples' hangups as an excuse not to draw some lines and ask for commitment to mutual goals.

And all the while, there's a lovely friendship I want to enjoy and protect and honour, safe from the *****ups and precariousness all around me ❤️

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Absolutely broken.  I have just had confirmation that my wonderful, amazing,  perfectly imperfect partner lost his battle with cancer this morning.  We almost made it to 11 years in this mad crazy wor

My dad passed away today, in his sleep, at the hospice. I'm in that shock phase now, numb and unable to think.

So, quick update number 2...  My daughter is negative for covid-19!!! the super quarantine is lifted and we can go grocery shopping! Back to your regularly scheduled bickering.. 

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It's Friday.

My anxiety level is at Defcon 2, but I can see Defcon 1 just over the horizon unless something goes right soon.

What I really want is a good, old-fashioned, knock-down, drag-out, screaming fight with someone to just LET IT ALL OUT. I'm trying to stay away from the forums today so I'm not tempted to drag someone into my rage. I've already been on Twitter screaming at Matt Bevin. He had me blocked on an old account but hasn't blocked my new one yet. Maybe that'll be my Christmas present. 

Anyone want to fake-fight with me so I can get it out of my system? Pick a topic! It has to be something so entirely innocuous that no one could possibly take it seriously, though.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the best cereal of all time - fite me!

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Less than a week and Christmas and all the Christmas disappointments will be over. We're almost there. 

(Though I had a HUGE disappointment hit me last night. So big I'm not even prepared to tell the story, but it's pretty par for the course...)

 

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This looks like as good a place as any to say this:

I think I've mentioned in this forum that over the years my favorite day of all has become the Winter Solstice. I start looking forward to it as the days grow alarmingly short in early November, and when by mid-December it seems like the poor Sun hardly has the strength to get out of bed in the morning (a problem with which I can fully sympathize) I can hardly wait. That day when the cycle reverses and I get just a tiny bit more light each day is finally upon us once again.

Turns out Solstice is on Saturday this year, and Saturdays tend to be quiet in the Forum so I reasoned that my Solstice Card should arrive on Friday which would at least be in keeping with the Follies tradition. Folly may not my middle name, but it would have been an apt choice.

I was thinking the other day about all the people I've met here and how some of the things I've learned or talked about or laughed about are part of the fabric of my life.  I'll remember a factoid or a story or just a feeling and am amazed each time at how much I've gotten from so many people I've never actually met face to face. There are a lot of things the Internet brings us that, at least in my opinion, we'd be better off without, but this wonderful web of people makes up for all of that. 

Rejoice that once again a new cycle has begun, and enjoy those extra minutes of sunlight as the days go forward. To all the people with whom I have shared a conversation or a smile or a virtual hug, have a wonderful and happy Solstice or Christmas or Hanukkah or any other holiday/season you wish. I never stop thinking about you and, (like it or not) I never really go away :-).

ps: Some of you south of the equator could probably do with a whole lot less sun right now and while your days will shorten it's obviously not enough to matter right away. I'll just hope things don't get any worse, especially the fires, and you can still enjoy some white wine in the sun at Christmas.

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30 minutes ago, Dillon Levenque said:

Turns out Solstice is on Saturday this year, and Saturdays tend to be quiet in the Forum.

Quiet is what I love most about winter's longest night. When all the animals go to sleep, and all the people tuck themselves into their houses, I can walk down to the beach and imagine it's all mine. The world calms to a point I can fool myself into thinking I can comprehend it. And then I try.

Few things amuse me as much as my own hubris.

I hope you have a wonderful longest night, Dil.

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10 minutes ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

Are you out of your mind?

Grape Nuts, without milk, in big spoonfuls, chewed with your mouth partly open.

Nothing clears a room faster.

Frick... I actually love Grape Nuts, but with a little milk (not enough to make it soggy), and a bunch of sugar.

I can't even fight today, damn it!

NOTHING IS RIGHT. 

I'm trying to joke my way off the roof, but today is just crap. It's crap from top to bottom and back again and everything is awful and disappointing and nobody that is having a rough time at Christmas wants to reach out to anyone because who wants to be responsible for bringing someone else down with you and I'm just sitting here in my office at work with the door closed and tears streaming down my cheeks for no good reason other than I can't stop them.

No, it's people. People are letting me down and disappointing me and I know damn good and well that people can never, ever be depended on for anything ever but for some reason at this time of year I let myself get my hopes up just the tiniest bit and every freaking year people are just oblivious and I get my soul crushed again and then I get frustrated with myself because I know people are awful and selfish and cowards and there's just really no damn point to anything. 

I really should just go to sleep until January.

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52 minutes ago, Dillon Levenque said:

This looks like as good a place as any to say this:

I think I've mentioned in this forum that over the years my favorite day of all has become the Winter Solstice. I start looking forward to it as the days grow alarmingly short in early November, and when by mid-December it seems like the poor Sun hardly has the strength to get out of bed in the morning (a problem with which I can fully sympathize) I can hardly wait. That day when the cycle reverses and I get just a tiny bit more light each day is finally upon us once again.

Turns out Solstice is on Saturday this year, and Saturdays tend to be quiet in the Forum so I reasoned that my Solstice Card should arrive on Friday which would at least be in keeping with the Follies tradition. Folly may not my middle name, but it would have been an apt choice.

I was thinking the other day about all the people I've met here and how some of the things I've learned or talked about or laughed about are part of the fabric of my life.  I'll remember a factoid or a story or just a feeling and am amazed each time at how much I've gotten from so many people I've never actually met face to face. There are a lot of things the Internet brings us that, at least in my opinion, we'd be better off without, but this wonderful web of people makes up for all of that. 

Rejoice that once again a new cycle has begun, and enjoy those extra minutes of sunlight as the days go forward. To all the people with whom I have shared a conversation or a smile or a virtual hug, have a wonderful and happy Solstice or Christmas or Hanukkah or any other holiday/season you wish. I never stop thinking about you and, (like it or not) I never really go away :-).

ps: Some of you south of the equator could probably do with a whole lot less sun right now and while your days will shorten it's obviously not enough to matter right away. I'll just hope things don't get any worse, especially the fires, and you can still enjoy some white wine in the sun at Christmas.

That was really lovely to read.  Solstice is precious to me too.  I don't think we've ever spoken but if our paths were to cross I'm sure we'd have a nice conversation. :) 

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My SOP is to go dark on social forums, anything, right about now until the New Year, for various reasons, some of them altruistic (saving the rest of the world from me during a holiday). I'm getting amped up on coffee, which is both necessary and stupid, and currently sitting in on a virtual group session for people with anxiety. I figure I might as well hit one of the issues, so anxiety is as good as depression is as good as... (Survivors of Suicide inworld has weekly group meetings, fyi.) It has been absolutely frigid outside, and thanks to my cheapa** landlords, cold inside as well. There's this weird thing that looks like sunlight out there and I'm side-eyeing going out to do errands, but there's a whole bunch of reasons why that is difficult, not impossible but difficult (and painful), and so I am procrastinating.

I'm hitting ♥ buttons for posts in this thread that require more than ♥ buttons, but I am not in a place where I can respond adequately. So know that those ♥ buttons are hugs and "I hear you"s.

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5 minutes ago, Beth Macbain said:

Frick... I actually love Grape Nuts, but with a little milk (not enough to make it soggy), and a bunch of sugar.

I can't even fight today, damn it!

NOTHING IS RIGHT. 

I'm trying to joke my way off the roof, but today is just crap. It's crap from top to bottom and back again and everything is awful and disappointing and nobody that is having a rough time at Christmas wants to reach out to anyone because who wants to be responsible for bringing someone else down with you and I'm just sitting here in my office at work with the door closed and tears streaming down my cheeks for no good reason other than I can't stop them.

No, it's people. People are letting me down and disappointing me and I know damn good and well that people can never, ever be depended on for anything ever but for some reason at this time of year I let myself get my hopes up just the tiniest bit and every freaking year people are just oblivious and I get my soul crushed again and then I get frustrated with myself because I know people are awful and selfish and cowards and there's just really no damn point to anything. 

I really should just go to sleep until January.

I'm sorry I'm not up to fighting, even in jest, but I do hope things get better for you. 

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yeah, I hear your pain, @Beth, @Seicher, and I like the kitty @Garnet, and I love you bunches @Dill.... and I'm in a world of pain and hurt myself.  Life sucks, but the alternatives are worse, what's a  woman to do?

I have one good thing to tell.  I am the primary caretaker of an autistic, PDD child of 27.  She has the emotional maturity of a 7 year old.  She gives great hugs.  I'm really the only caretaker.  I love her to death but she really frustrates me because I have to nag her constantly to do the smallest tasks. I usually wind up doing things for her because it is easier than carefully explaining to her what I want done, walking her through the needed steps, then following up 15 to 20 times, nagging, cajoling, then hollering, and finally having to threaten to take away some toy or privilege because that is the only way to get results. Today I made her walk to the pharmacy to drop off a new prescription and pick up one that was waiting for her. She did it!  This is a gargantuan feat for us.

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I’m looking forward to shutting the door on the decade with the final Long Night, and I’m mining deep into my psyche for more insights into my true aspirations for the coming one. still feeling very stalled but I’ve thawed just a bit, I’m not completely frozen up anymore. Baby steps. 
I have 5 new books, a gorgeous new deck of gilded tarot cards and more new Feng Shui material than I can even get through by the time it’s time to set up my things in Feb! And Resolutions! Also tallying up and adding to my SL Bucket List which (since I made one), I take such an odd satisfaction from working on! 
 

@Beth, cold cereal is soooo not where it’s at, HOT OAT PORRIDGE will sustain me through the ‘20’s. 🥣🥣🥣

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30 minutes ago, Fauve Aeon said:

I’m looking forward to shutting the door on the decade with the final Long Night, and I’m mining deep into my psyche for more insights into my true aspirations for the coming one. still feeling very stalled but I’ve thawed just a bit, I’m not completely frozen up anymore. Baby steps. 
I have 5 new books, a gorgeous new deck of gilded tarot cards and more new Feng Shui material than I can even get through by the time it’s time to set up my things in Feb! And Resolutions! Also tallying up and adding to my SL Bucket List which (since I made one), I take such an odd satisfaction from working on! 
 

@Beth, cold cereal is soooo not where it’s at, HOT OAT PORRIDGE will sustain me through the ‘20’s. 🥣🥣🥣

 

Yummy oatmeal!

What gilded tarot deck?

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12 minutes ago, Seicher Rae said:

Ooooh pretty! Gilded RW! Nice!

Yup! There’s another very pretty art nouveau style gilded deck but it’s missing some key points of the RW symbolism, fine for an art deck but I need *all the symbols* for my decks I read with...and those major arcana cards had the names printed on, quite large. So these won the day instead!

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i m scared about new date. Foound very handsome dude  at christmas fair in rl. and we will meet in monday  at coffee house. confused and scary.is that too early to date someone?in fact i was totally alone whole 2019..

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5 minutes ago, Panteleeva said:

i m scared about new date. Foound very handsome dude  at christmas fair in rl. and we will meet at coffee house. confused and scary.is that too early to date someone?in fact i was totally alone whole 2019..

A coffee house is a nice place to meet; there's no pressure to dress up and you won't be there for hours.  You can always say you have an important shopping errand if you want to leave sooner.  If you look at it more of a meeting-up of new friends than a date you might feel more relaxed.  Just enjoy it and see what happens. :) 

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1 hour ago, Panteleeva said:

i m scared about new date. Foound very handsome dude  at christmas fair in rl. and we will meet in monday  at coffee house. confused and scary.is that too early to date someone?in fact i was totally alone whole 2019..

Dating is always scary! 

But like Garnet said, a coffee date is about the most low pressure and safe date possible. You're surrounded by other people. If you run out of things to talk about, you can always fall back on conversation about all the activity going on around you and human nature, etc. If you need to make a quick escape if it's not going well, or your nerves get the best of you, just look at your phone and say "Oh crap, I need to run... I totally forgot that I have to meet my mother/aunt/grandma/friend/pet/repair man to do this thing!"

Is it too early? No one can make that decision except you. If you feel ready, then you're ready. And coffee is so wonderfully innocuous that you can look at it as a date, or just meeting a friend. It can be whatever you want it to be. 🙂

Take some deep breaths before you go in, enjoy a wonderful cup of coffee, and some nice conversation. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Have fun! And let us know how it goes!

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   I've barely lift a finger today.

   .. It's been awesome.

   Watched some mini-documentaries on YouTube, and some mini-biographies. Now I'm just listening to some calm music (well, relative to me, anyway - Lordi!) and sipping my julmust whilst waiting for the laundry machines to do their thing. Contemplating whether to do a shoot for a Christmas card, or if I should do that when I come home on Friday instead. Meh.

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23 hours ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

Grape Nuts, without milk, in big spoonfuls, chewed with your mouth partly open.

☠️ Grape Nuts are mini tooth-killing nuggets of desiccated woe! I’m not entirely convinced they are even a food anymore. 🤣

 

I’m feeling better today in what feels like an actual uptake trend not just an isolated day here and there of ‘less flat’. I’m going inworld to see to setting up the final steps of a holiday thing for a community I ‘live’ in and I think I’ll also dismantle my old Linden Home and roll the dice on a new one. I still like the idea of the biggest Victorian made into a communal house of some kind, and blog the experience together in words and photos. I think it would be a fun experiment, just not sure how to go about it, exactly other than to get the house first. Still baby steps. One of the best yet most simple things I’ve heard this year in the motivational department was something I think I’ll frame and put in the wall of the new empty house as a talisman: 

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Edited by Fauve Aeon
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