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1 hour ago, Seicher Rae said:

I'm just wondering how you are doing Lexxi. I didn't know how to respond to this back on Sunday. You say you are going through some awful sh1t, but are embracing some pretty positive things... Hope you update us.

Thank you for asking. Made me cry xx

In short, there's a reason I didn't speak to my father for 20 years. After my brother's suicide I thought he'd learnt something, been jolted out of his self-serving delusion...because he was saying the right words and helping me out here and there...and to come to terms and allow myself to accept that possibility has been *****ing hard, moments convincing myself to have faith in him while in dangerous ideation and there were no other options, letting him be the one to save my life in that instance, and those little moments he's come through for me, the succession of them, were giving me the confidence to have a little more faith in him each time...and more faith in myself, to feel good about the things I've achieved in recent months, getting myself to a point where I know I can support myself after choosing to jump the abyss with _nothing_ but faith in myself, to have made it this far........aaaand, he just *****ed it up, and dropped me in it. Because he needed me to be 'unbroken', so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about the past.

There's more, but that's been the thing that's had me reeling like I've been knocked for six, and having to pedal so much faster to deal with everything else.

There have been positives, growth and healing, while in isolation, a whole stream of vibrant possibilities supported by self-affirmation, that I need to embrace more, and choose to, because I've been falling and sailing for a long time now, and there is always a new breeze or intuition to follow x

“The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.” - Confucius

Edited by LexxiXhan
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Absolutely broken.  I have just had confirmation that my wonderful, amazing,  perfectly imperfect partner lost his battle with cancer this morning.  We almost made it to 11 years in this mad crazy wor

My dad passed away today, in his sleep, at the hospice. I'm in that shock phase now, numb and unable to think.

So, quick update number 2...  My daughter is negative for covid-19!!! the super quarantine is lifted and we can go grocery shopping! Back to your regularly scheduled bickering.. 

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@BelindaN, here is something you can do...get a flower, or a plant, or a tree seedling...something your mum liked.  Take it to the hospital where she is.  Find out where her room is.  Find a bed near there and plant it.

When it's planted, look at it, and remember all the things and times about your mum you love.

I know she can't see it, and won't know...but, here's the thing...she will know.

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@Seicher Rae, about those stairs...

There are ways to tackle stairs that make it impossible to fall.  Here are two.

  • At the top of the stair, turn facing uphill.  Grasp a railing with both hands.  Back down the stairs.
  • Sit on the top step. Come down one step at a time on your bum.

All of us must be cautious about stairs, especially as we get older.  They are evil and lie in wait for the unwary.  But a little care will put them in their place every time.

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5 hours ago, BelindaN said:

Mother update.

I'm saddened by the update, Belinda. COVID-19 is making a mess of many things, but in the grand scheme of your mother's life and your remembrance of it, this will be but a blip.

Mom and I had discussions about her end. We'd gone through a long slow goodbye with Dad as Alzheimers took him away bit by bit. He was completely gone months before his body gave up, and we were not with him when he finally thumbed a ride out. So, when she went to the hospital, we knew there was a chance things would not go well. We were both ready for that.

She was scheduled to go home with me just 12 hours before she skipped bail*. For that reason, we were both fine with not being able to be together that night. We had a good chat via FaceTime. She was asleep when she went, so she wouldn't have known I was there anyway. Nevertheless, I've some small, useless regret over it.

My thoughts are with you and your Mom.

* I have an endless supply of euphemisms for death.

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4 minutes ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

Nevertheless, I've some small, useless regret over it.

How are you doing? No matter what way these things happen, there is always one small regret or another.  

My dad did what your mom did - he slipped out when I wasn't there, and I think he did it on purpose. Perhaps your mom did the same. You had a good FaceTime chat with her and she decided it would be best for everyone if she just slipped away while everyone was sleeping. 

This may sound crass but... welcome to the Adult Orphan Club as I refer to it in my head. Doesn't matter how old we are... the realization that the people who were there when we needed something are gone, and there isn't another phone call coming. It's a sh*tty club to be a member of, yet here we are. ❤️

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@Madelaine McMasters I'm sorry to have been out of touch with you for the past month, so I didn't realize that your mother had died. I am pleased that it was peaceful for both of you, but I understand the small useless regret. I was at my own mother's bedside a week before she died but had to return home for something that seemed important at the time, so was not there when she finally left us.  Like your mother, she would not have known whether I was there or not, but I do.  It has been many many years now, yet I still have an occasional dream where she makes a cameo appearance and I say the goodbye that I missed.

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12 minutes ago, Beth Macbain said:

This may sound crass but... welcome to the Adult Orphan Club as I refer to it in my head. Doesn't matter how old we are... the realization that the people who were there when we needed something are gone, and there isn't another phone call coming. It's a sh*tty club to be a member of, yet here we are. ❤️

It's not crass.  If we live long enough, we are all members of that sh*tty club.  Some call it "finally growing up" when we no longer have a parent to run to.  Some say "it's just life".  I call it sadness...and yes, there's almost always that "small, useless regret".  It sneaks up on you at odd moments..."Gee, I'd like to tell Dad about that...oh, right."  "Did I miss Mom's birthday?  Oh...right."

I'd rather have it this way, though, than the other way around.  I would be devastated if my kids left before I caught that Last Bus Out.  My Second Mom comes from a family of 13 kids.  She's 101 now, and she has outlived nearly all of her siblings, her husband, and, tragically, one child.  I don't want to be the last one left, I want to leave while the party's still going on.

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22 minutes ago, Beth Macbain said:

How are you doing?

I'm fine. I've been wrapping up all the EOL paperwork. We'd planned for that, so it's not terrible. Her retirement village is still on lock-down, so I can't get in to clear out her apartment. Staff cleared out the perishables, the rest can wait. I'll have a funeral sometime during the Summer, and I'll be the officiant! I'm also doing a wedding, so my $30 ordination kit is finally gonna get some use.

The last couple weeks have seen me consoling extended family members and friends who were having a tougher time with Mom's exit than I was. Fortunately, the story of the "French Toast Incident" puts a smile back on their faces, though I might be misreading tone-of-voice over the phone. Maybe it's nervous laughter I'm hearing.

Mom left a few friends and one huge therapy dog behind at the retirement village. Staff said the dog has noticed her absence. Mom would sit on one of the sofas in the community room and wait for the dog (about as heavy as Mom) to crawl up on top of her. Then she'd make a big fuss about being crushed to death.

It's all good.

Edited by Madelaine McMasters
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1 hour ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

Staff said the dog has noticed her absence.

My dad had a dog and I swear he loved that dog more than us kids, and he loved us kids a lot. When his health started to decline, he accepted that he could no longer care for the big goofy beast, so he went to live with my brother. That was a couple of years before Dad passed away, and one of his final wishes was for Hank to be at his scattering. It was in a beautiful little creek out in the middle of nowhere, where my family all gets scattered... two brothers and now both parents. I'll be in that creek, too, some day. 

Anyway... we brought the dog as Dad wished. The way he sniffed at that box of ashes, and kept coming back to it to keep sniffing... I swear he understood what was happening. 

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11 hours ago, LexxiXhan said:

...getting myself to a point where I know I can support myself after choosing to jump the abyss with _nothing_ but faith in myself, to have made it this far........aaaand, he just *****ed it up, and dropped me in it. Because he needed me to be 'unbroken', so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about the past.

Never ever ever go backwards. Just DON'T allow it to happen. Doesn't matter who they "purport" to be.
Believe me, I've been there. 
*hugs 

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Today in the morning i wasnt really in the good mood,got dressed and was ready to get my meat grinder i ordered a couple of days ago. Then waited for the trolleybus and realized i need to go back home,because i needed to pee(lol). When came closer to home one dude was running at me and saying very loud: YAY I M SURE YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAVE KEY OF THE Entrance AND YOU WILL OPEN IT FOR ME. IM YOUR NEIGHBOUR FROM 2 ND FLOOR!! i said i don t give a duck who he is (lol i don t saw him before). He said sorry if i broke your mood ,i asked   him to shut up,i was annoyed like omg. When i opened this uckin door,he dissapeared fast . In most of cases if person wants anyone to open  Entrance door, he-she just say CAN YOU open the door please adn everything ok. 

Edited by Panteleeva
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I'm depressed.  My head hurts, I'm easily annoyed by every little thing and not fit for company, I want to go to bed and bury myself under the covers.... I want this damn plague to be over so I can get a life. I had high hopes for getting a life when the damn plague hit and now it seems like that was just a dream.

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4 hours ago, kali Wylder said:

I want this damn plague to be over so I can get a life. I had high hopes for getting a life when the damn plague hit and now it seems like that was just a dream.

Sweetie, the damn plague or the lack of it are external factors.  External factors have nothing to do with getting a life, they're only an excuse your brain uses to rationalize your not getting one.

Ignore the external factors, and ignore those treacherous thoughts.  You HAVE a life!  Yes, you do.  If it's not exactly the one you want, you have the power to change that.  (I am not saying to ignore real dangers; don't go out mingling in crowds, don't stop washing your hands, don't drink or inject bleach!)  Your thoughts have power to raise you up, or keep you down.  Grab life with both hands and freakin' MAKE IT AMAZING.

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@kali Wylder - Your feelings are valid, and don't let anyone try to diminish that. They are real for you, and they suck, yes, but they are real for you. 

@Lindal Kidd - I'm sorry, that's exactly the kind of response we're trying to avoid in this thread. When someone is feeling in the toilet, telling them to basically get up off their ass is... emotional torture. When someone is having an episode of depression, they can't grab life with both hands and do anything. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally impossible. Telling us to essentially get over it just makes us feel worse because now on top of everything else, we feel like we're a failure at that as well as everything else we're already telling ourselves we're failures at. 

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Beth, Kali...yes, feelings are real.  Depression is real.  You're not a failure as long as you keep trying.

Life is lived and victories are won one tiny step at a time.

I cleaned off one third of my messy desk...I'm counting that as today's victory.

 

Edited by Lindal Kidd
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20 hours ago, LexxiXhan said:

Thank you for asking. Made me cry xx

In short, there's a reason I didn't speak to my father for 20 years. After my brother's suicide I thought he'd learnt something, been jolted out of his self-serving delusion...because he was saying the right words and helping me out here and there...and to come to terms and allow myself to accept that possibility has been *****ing hard, moments convincing myself to have faith in him while in dangerous ideation and there were no other options, letting him be the one to save my life in that instance, and those little moments he's come through for me, the succession of them, were giving me the confidence to have a little more faith in him each time...and more faith in myself, to feel good about the things I've achieved in recent months, getting myself to a point where I know I can support myself after choosing to jump the abyss with _nothing_ but faith in myself, to have made it this far........aaaand, he just *****ed it up, and dropped me in it. Because he needed me to be 'unbroken', so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about the past.

There's more, but that's been the thing that's had me reeling like I've been knocked for six, and having to pedal so much faster to deal with everything else.

There have been positives, growth and healing, while in isolation, a whole stream of vibrant possibilities supported by self-affirmation, that I need to embrace more, and choose to, because I've been falling and sailing for a long time now, and there is always a new breeze or intuition to follow x

“The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.” - Confucius

Lexxi, I read this last night and just didn't know how to respond. An emoticon reply didn't seem right (it rarely does in this thread). I still don't know how to respond. It is a complex situation, what you are describing and I do not want to diminish it with something pat or glib. I have had suicidal ideations and I come from a dysfunctional family but I glean my experiences are far different from yours... except for the pain and the anguish. It is difficult for me to understand the posts about loving families, as I have never experienced that, and while I have come to terms with a lot of my past, the basics being absent do leave lasting effects for those of us who have had to separate from family. You do need to take care of you.  That you can and are seeing the positives and the possibilities is huge, and I know how easily that can be downplayed in our minds. I'm glad you replied and I hope you keep posting. 

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47 minutes ago, Lindal Kidd said:

Beth, Kali...yes, feelings are real.  Depression is real.  You're not a failure as long as you keep trying.

Life is lived and victories are won one tiny step at a time.

I cleaned off one third of my messy desk...I'm counting that as today's victory.

...unloads half of her messy desk onto the clean third of yours... and today isn't over yet!

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16 hours ago, kali Wylder said:

I'm depressed.  My head hurts, I'm easily annoyed by every little thing and not fit for company, I want to go to bed and bury myself under the covers.... I want this damn plague to be over so I can get a life. I had high hopes for getting a life when the damn plague hit and now it seems like that was just a dream.

Most would say I don't have a life.
I don't mix much with others, I do research on (public) places my friends go to regularly before I accept an invite and then rarely do.
Don't invite me to a gathering unless the invitation is like... a month before - lol.
I need to know who else might be turning up even unexpectedly - lololol
Not interested in going to weddings or funerals. (funerals of childhood or very close family friends are ok).
Yes - I'm a total p.i.t.a.
Rarely do I come out of my creative/educators/caring for my mum - bubble.
The few friends I have know I adore them and would do anything for them or their offspring as I always have.
They return the same feelings to me.
 

Edited by Maryanne Solo
Grotesque typos *lolliez
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20 hours ago, Lindal Kidd said:

@Seicher Rae, about those stairs...

There are ways to tackle stairs that make it impossible to fall.  Here are two.

  • At the top of the stair, turn facing uphill.  Grasp a railing with both hands.  Back down the stairs.
  • Sit on the top step. Come down one step at a time on your bum.

All of us must be cautious about stairs, especially as we get older.  They are evil and lie in wait for the unwary.  But a little care will put them in their place every time.

Lindal... like Da5id, I'm feeling a bit stabby. I know you meant this kindly and as help. But.  I've had these kinds of helpful suggestions both here and in RL, and each time they make me want to scream, "How stupid do you think I am?" I think I have at least normal intelligence, and after dealing with knee injuries for years, and their limiting effects, I think I kind of know the options for stairs. Stairs are not only physically difficult for me but as I have mentioned many times, I have PTSD around them... for good reason. I have mentioned, even in the post to which your comment referred, that a year ago I had a tremendously bad fall,  down a flight of stairs, that destroyed my left arm. My left arm is pretty much useless. Hold a railing with both hands? Of course, but realize only one of them does anything. Every time I see those stairs I flash upon that fall. I have a panic attack. And yet I have to deal with them all the time. As bad as that fall was (and it was caused by lack of balance due to my knee injuries), had I not landed as I did on my left arm but landed on my right instead, I would be unable to live on my own as I am extremely right hand dominant. If I had landed on my face instead of my arm, I would be dead. There is no surprise on my PTSD. After all of this time I do what I can. I have to plan for the stairs. When I fell I was doing a quick trip to my car and then back to the apartment and so I didn't have my phone with me. I now carry my phone every effing time. I do the stairs as a meditation. Etc. It still doesn't help that just going up and down the stairs is a nightmare for me, even when I don't have things to carry. Carrying trash, packages, mail, groceries...anything... is just another level of difficulty. And no, going down on my bum is not an option as they are public stairs usually covered in dirt, water, mud, leaves...

Again, I know people will read this as a b1tchy reply, and I know you meant well. I could have just shut up. But this is a thread to vent and since I have been hearing a lot of this stuff lately in RL and cannot (for various reasons) respond as I wish to, I have done it here.

ETA: I did not mean this as a pile-on with Lindal. I wrote it before reading other comments on this thread.

Edited by Seicher Rae
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5 hours ago, kali Wylder said:

I'm depressed.  My head hurts, I'm easily annoyed by every little thing and not fit for company, I want to go to bed and bury myself under the covers.... I want this damn plague to be over so I can get a life. I had high hopes for getting a life when the damn plague hit and now it seems like that was just a dream.

I understand this so well. I hate to say, "I know how you feel" because of course we really don't, each of us experiences things in our  own unique ways, but yeah, I have similarities to what you say here. I also thought my life would possibly restart when I moved to my new, rent-assisted apartment. So much of my life has been on hold due to instability and a financial nightmare, and the new apartment was to give me some stability and while I'm still struggling with abject poverty, my finances are now at least known. My bff from Canada came to help me with the move, and it was stressful. Moves are stressful. As much as I adore my bff, he doesn't handle stress well and yeah... it wasn't fun. We had originally scheduled to take FUN days after the initial move was basically settled but coronavirus halted that. He had to leave way too soon to go back to Canada before the border shut. (He made it.) This left a big mess of boxes and trash and things that should have been taken care of with his help to linger.  Even though my "normal" life is social distancing in the extreme, COVID has made it worse. For a variety of reasons the mood I was expecting and hoping for, "Ah, new start!" hasn't happened and THAT has depressed me even further. Effing virus. Effing depression. Effing... whatever.

Sometimes burying yourself in the covers is necessary and not a bad thing. Living under there, on the other hand... probably not so good, but you know that.

There is a quote I'm going to paraphrase, by Rollo May, that "depression is the inability to see a future" and that has always rung true to me.

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oh what the hell, let all pile on @Lindal Kidd.  In my case, you didn't really know what you were talking about.  I was about to make major changes in my life.  Retiring from a job I mostly despise and moving 3,000 miles with my autistic daughter plus wee doggie and cat.  My house was being prepped to go on the market March 31, 2020.  All that went on hold due to the damn plague.  So yes, the damn plague has stopped me dead in my tracks as I was about to embark on a great adventure. 

Secondly, this is not the kind of thread that is looking for solutions.  Most of our problems here don't have solutions.  They simply must be endured.  This is the safe place we created where we can gripe (replaced the verboten word *****)  about that. Here is where you can come for emotional support, the kind voice saying I hear you, I feel you, I care.

Edited by kali Wylder
so that's what happens when you say *****
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I’ve cried twice today. Not sad tears but sentimental ones. I’ve laughed until I had tears in my eyes, too.

I’ve just ordered a large pizza. And breadsticks. Oh, and a big chocolate chip cookie. I’m looking forward to the numb food coma.

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56 minutes ago, Seicher Rae said:

It is difficult for me to understand the posts about loving families, as I have never experienced that, and while I have come to terms with a lot of my past, the basics being absent do leave lasting effects for those of us who have had to separate from family.

*Hugs*

Seeing so many posts across all social media, people talking about their families, makes me so conscious of it, especially now. I basically just have my kids (who are with me at the moment ❤️ ) and an aunt I'm not that close to. My 'chosen family' consists of a few RL friends and people I've become close to online, and they and my kids are the people that keep me going 💕

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