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TinyBoots1985

Genuine Relationships

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Hello All, this is my first post on the SL forums. Please forgive typos and mistakes I'm dyslexic and more importantly than that, I am drunk and lazy!.

However, I have been dipping in and out of this wonderful Second Life for over ten years.

I love the idea of virtual reality and I think that SL is the closest we have come yet to a living and breathing virtual world.

But how on SL do you find genuine relationships to one another? Maybe alot of you will scream at the screen when you read this, shouting, "just talk to people" or, "be genuine". Belive me I have tried... and I have succedded. I have have made genuine relationships but they have lasted weeks not months.

i have put some money into the platform. Mainly for an avi or two but no i have not rented or bought land.

I find that most of my encounters are brief, intelectual and then sexual in nature. Sex and everything it has to offer is wonderful but, it is only part of the human spirit. Why is it so hard to to interact with people on a straight forward level?

It seems to me that everything is either economy or instantaneiousdesire in the virtual world. Where are the genuine relationships? - it seems that there are peopl, residents that are definaitely having genuine relationships, but i can figure out how it works.

I've invested in my avatar, explored as many places as I can think of, presented an optimistic soul onto the SL reality and yet, to find a true friend in four years I've been unsuccessful.

I am not talking about a friend for hire, an escort or even someone that just wants a bit of company I am talking about meeting genuine users of the plat form.

It seems as though you eith have to be driven by finacial gain or a pervert to really offer anything in way of a relationship.

So then SL forum, I put it to you, what am I doing wrong?!

Edited by TinyBoots1985

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20 minutes ago, TinyBoots1985 said:

.So then SL forum, I put it to you, what am I doing wrong?!

Dear LittleBoots,

You’re doing nothing wrong. Human connection... true human connection is one of the rarest things because you are right, people come in and out of our lives all the time. Making a connection with someone on SL is no different than in RL. It is just as hard because genuine things, are, well, genuine. 
 

I am much better and giving spankings than advice but I would just tell you to keep going. Be vulnerable like this post you have written and allow people to come and go. Inevitably you’ll make a connection. 
 

Pour another glass of wine. Make another post. Explore another thing. —> repeat. 
 

I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart!

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I agree with @Marut72  you aren't doing anything wrong.

I have been in SL for over 6 years now and I have been lucky that i have found one good friend.  She messaged me from the AK group cause we had just gotten the first new bento heads from AK that came out and we were both trying to figure out how to do the shapes, get our hair to fit etc.  I ended up TPing her to my platform and we have been friends ever since.    

She has access to my land and actually uses it more than I do and I don't charge her a cent for it.  I just let her do her thing there as I have another parcel and also a LH in Bellisseria.  We don't see or talk all the time and sometimes we are both on, but we are just busy doing our own thing.  We don't have to connect 24/7. I am more of a loner and she is more social, but we both just seem to get each other. We have known each other for about 4 - 5 years now.

I find that you find people when you least expect it.

 

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I'm going to echo Marut here a little bit..and, since you're new, fair warning, I type lots of words, lots, and lots and lots of words, TLDR; at the end :)

Making genuine friendships, and I can presume you mean deeper than casual friendships (not necessarily sexually related, or involved, at all) is a very difficult thing in all facets of life. Even people who seem to have no difficulties at all, it might not actually be what it seems on the surface. Maybe for those people, the relationships aren't as deep as you might think. I think that's something people who have difficulties making friendships (even not deep ones) have to take into consideration, but rarely do...because we get stuck in that "why can't I?" mode. We get stuck in our own frames of mind, the largest component of which is "what am I doing wrong". Until we can eliminate that component and the whole getting stuck in our own heads, we'll continue to struggle.  I use the word we, because I am most definitely included in that. I can, very easily, make casual friendships, but deeper ones...oh, they're so very hard, for all kinds of reasons and most no one wants to read about...but they all really boil back down to the fact that I can't eliminate those components and get the hell out of my own head, so..eh, it is what it is. 

I do my best to make casual friendships and hold out the hope that they develop further. There has not been a sexual component to my interactions with people (since hubby, obviously), sl, rl, anywhere online...not even a hint of it, which does lend a little less tension to my interactions (and desire for them to go further) than it does for others with whom that is a component. I can honestly say that even before hubby, that element was as limited as possible, because I often find it compounds the problem, and disallowing it for a while can make things easier.  Now, please don't take my saying that as suggesting you are some kind of hussy always looking to add that component, because it's most definitely not. I just happen to believe that, unless the casual sex thing is EXACTLY what you're looking for...it's going to muddy the waters and make things more difficult if you're struggling to find some level of genuineness in your relations with others.  I mean, you can always incorporate that down the road if you wish (that's what hubby and I did, desire may have been there from day one, but we tamed those demons, and I'm very glad we did), in fact, I highly recommend it. You are in full control over that aspect, desire be damned, and it's one of the only components you're actually fully in control of, really.  Others' mileage may vary, and they very well may have developed deeper relationships through that component too..I'm not knocking it, but for you, as you said..it's not working. 

I'm not going to do the whole "go meet people" thing, because, like you said..you've tried. What I can say is that you need to think about the kinds of things you'd like in friends, the experiences you'd like to have, the connections, the traits in them you'd like to see, the traits in yourself you'd like to show...and exploit the hell out of that. It's super hard for a lot of us, especially people like me without a lick of confidence 99.9999999999999999999999% of the time. I can be friendly with almost anyone. I can be friends with a lot of them. I can't be best friends with most, though, because I have a hard time getting to that point, and an even harder time when things don't go as planned and I somehow lose them (yeah yeah people part ways..yadda yadda..still hurts sometimes, no matter how long the relationship was, and it causes that "what did I do wrong" demon to break free).

Seek out the things that interest you the most first, hopefully there will be people around that share in that interest, and casual conversations about that shared interest, the one thing you know you have in common, can start. Don't force the intellectual, don't force the humor, don't force anything and keep your expectations reasonable. It doesn't have to be a specific sim, even group chats can help with this part. The more you participate in things, with no real expectations, the easier it gets (or so people tell me...I fail at this part all the time, literally all the time, especially on the forums, it's why I spend the bulk of my time in sl by myself, and being chastised for talking too much here...and then I disappear for months...vicious cycle, of my own making). I have a tendency to talk with people that need help with something, more often than not, because for me, even if they never like me, never want to be friends with me..it helps feed the need for something more than what I have. Admittedly, I have a wonderful life, plenty of friends, and loads of people to talk to...but online...eh, I'm about as misfit as it gets, and I struggle with it constantly, often blame a lot of it on the fact that I think way too often about losing what very little online presence I have today when I can no longer involve textual conversations in that presence-which has taken up the bulk of my presence for more than two decades. (that's not a self pity party, it's just a, my, reality, and I own it).

TLDR; (admittedly still not concise)

That;s my long winded way of saying....you might need to change the direction in which you're pointing your sail. Don't rely on a navigation system made by someone else..let the winds take you where they want first. If it's not where you want to be, flip it again and go somewhere else (I don't mean leave sl, lol). Changing directions is hard for people that find difficulty in making true, genuine, deep friendships, but once we get ourselves there..we do pretty good. We fall a lot, we bump into things, we might even capsize a time or two, but eventually, we get where we're going. You gotta have faith in yourself and your ability to get yourself there first though-I struggle with that too. 

It's also my long winded way of saying, you might not be giving these casual friendships enough credit. They are the building blocks on which you'll create your future and it's worth noting that even the ones that end in ways you don't like hep create that foundation. Learn from what went wrong, not what YOU did wrong, but overall what went wrong, or not like you'd hope, and make slight changes. Slight changes are easier than big changes, and you may not have to plan for them, either. You may find that through losing those casual encounters and relationships, you figure out exactly what you want, because you didn't know before, just didn't know you didn't know. DOn't give up on you, and the idea, just keep swimming....you really will get there, promise :)

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20 hours ago, TinyBoots1985 said:

However, I have been dipping in and out of this wonderful Second Life for over ten years.

Maybe this is the reason?  My  most meaningful and long term relationship/friendships are with people who log in at least weekly if not more.  If they can't log in for any length of time then we have other ways of keeping in touch with a quick message outside of SL.  My best friend of 9 years for example has a new job and rl is manic for him at the moment but we make an effort to text each other weekly.  If I look at my contact list, there are very few meaningful close relationships there with people who don't log in a lot or as you say dip in and out.  Maybe its a trust thing?  If I let you in then I want to know you are going to stick around. 

Edited by Cindy Evanier
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I would liken this to people who keep saying "Why is it so hard to find a partner? I can't find a stable relationship or it just never works out!"

Maybe the problem isn't other people. Maybe it's your attitude/obsession with getting one. If you stop trying so hard, it will just happen on its own, which is the most genuine kind of relationship.

You won't get perfection until you start accepting flaws.

Edited by Wulfie Reanimator
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I think @Cindy Evanier has a very valid point here. My deepest SL relationship is with a man I've known in SL for two years. It took six months for "casual acquaintance" to develop into "friend" and another year after that for "friend" to develop into "intimate friend". And that's with both of us being in SL almost daily throughout that entire time and keeping in touch - at least once a week in the "casual acquaintance" days, now, we talk pretty much daily.

If you are just "dipping in and out" of SL, you're not giving enough time for those casual acquaintances to develop into friends.  Growing friendships are like flowers; if you don't water them as often as they need, they die. And I think that by periodically stepping away from SL, you're killing the potential friendships that might have developed if you'd stayed around. And by the time you return it's too late; those budding friendships have already died.

Of course, once a friendship has reached a certain stage of strength and depth, it doesn't take so much effort. I have another very close friend on SL who I have known for about 12 years (though I originally met him elsewhere online). Due to some difficult RL stuff he chose to disappear offline for a couple of years but when he came back we resumed our friendship as though there had been no break at all. That probably wouldn't have happened if he'd taken that 2 year break early on in our friendship.

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19 hours ago, TinyBoots1985 said:

find that most of my encounters are brief, intelectual and then sexual in nature. Sex and everything it has to offer is wonderful but, it is only part of the human spirit. Why is it so hard to to interact with people on a straight forward level?

Hi TinyBoots.  This sentence pretty much sums up the same issue in RL when close relationships are based on sexual intimacy only.  Sex becomes a focus of the relationship, which in turn does not allow the spiritual, friendship, and intellectual intimacy,to develop in the relationship.  As you get to know someone in SL (or RL) allow yourself the opportunity to get to know the person more deeply interpersonally before the sexual intimacy develops.  I truly believe you will create more deep meaningful relationships when your focus moves in that direction.

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Wow what a response! I had actually forgotten I had written that post until I saw the responses in my email inbox. I have read them all and thank you for taking the time, all of you. I agree with all of you and I think I:

On 11/27/2019 at 4:28 AM, Tari Landar said:

might need to change the direction in which you're pointing your sail

Yes I need to develop more the ways I interact with the SL but its probaly something ill only ever dip into once a week. I'm not looking for sexual relationships or even 'loving' relationships I'd just like to make some mates that have fun with the platform.

However, I am now embarking on a four month RL backpacking trip to Sri Lanka, India and Nepal. When I return I'll be giving it another go for sure. I love SL, its such a weird plce.

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2 hours ago, TinyBoots1985 said:

However, I am now embarking on a four month RL backpacking trip to Sri Lanka, India and Nepal. When I return I'll be giving it another go for sure. I love SL, its such a weird plce.

Wow that sounds awesome. Hope you have a fantastic time. We'll be waiting to hear all about it when you get back.

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On 11/27/2019 at 9:05 AM, Matty Luminos said:

I think @Cindy Evanier has a very valid point here. My deepest SL relationship is with a man I've known in SL for two years. It took six months for "casual acquaintance" to develop into "friend" and another year after that for "friend" to develop into "intimate friend". And that's with both of us being in SL almost daily throughout that entire time and keeping in touch - at least once a week in the "casual acquaintance" days, now, we talk pretty much daily.

If you are just "dipping in and out" of SL, you're not giving enough time for those casual acquaintances to develop into friends.  Growing friendships are like flowers; if you don't water them as often as they need, they die. And I think that by periodically stepping away from SL, you're killing the potential friendships that might have developed if you'd stayed around. And by the time you return it's too late; those budding friendships have already died.

Of course, once a friendship has reached a certain stage of strength and depth, it doesn't take so much effort. I have another very close friend on SL who I have known for about 12 years (though I originally met him elsewhere online). Due to some difficult RL stuff he chose to disappear offline for a couple of years but when he came back we resumed our friendship as though there had been no break at all. That probably wouldn't have happened if he'd taken that 2 year break early on in our friendship.

Matty is right and at the same time a little bit wrong in the sense that sometimes breaks are needed and can be beneficial to relationships. It's the extended breaks that can make or break a friendship/relationship if there is no contact outside of SL. It's easy enough to message someone on the forum from a cell phone so the forum could be considered outside contact. There are many ways to maintain contact outside of SL without giving out RL phone numbers/emails etc. It's when you don't let the people that matter to you know you're going to be gone for a while (aka ghosting) that kills relationships. And it takes both parties making occasional contact (when possible), not just one. Years ago, I left a message for someone and never got an answer until 5 years later. People get busy with RL and forget sometimes. It was the fact that she did make the effort, even 5 years later, that let me know the friendship was still alive and worth maintaining. We still keep in sporadic touch. Her life had changed drastically when she got married. 

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On 11/27/2019 at 12:05 PM, Matty Luminos said:

If you are just "dipping in and out" of SL, you're not giving enough time for those casual acquaintances to develop into friends.

This,  most of us  give priority to our first life over our second.  As a result it is hard for our SL relationships to really develop.

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15 hours ago, Talligurl said:

This,  most of us  give priority to our first life over our second.  As a result it is hard for our SL relationships to really develop.

Yes.

Which is one of the things that makes SL less effective as a dating tool. 

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My Partner and I met on our Originals in 2005 in the vintage-SL Amazon Nations and have been together ever since. I qualify that as a “real relationship” 🙂

Not to criticize, but maybe if you want a relationship with depth - spend an extended period getting to know the other brain you’re talking to before going for the sexxorz?

You mentioned relations lasting “weeks, not months” - so being prepared to sift lots of grains of sand to find that personality-match *before* going intimate might get you closer to someone who’ll still be there when you’ve run out of erotic adjectives  to cyber with and just want someone to be with who understands you 🙂

Cybersex comes and goes, but having someone interesting to talk to is like the Energizer Bunny; it keeps going and going....

giphy.gif?cid=4d1e4f29b46d3a467e124665a5

 

 

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It also depends on what you mean by genuine.

It all comes down to what that means before you can get an answer to your question. Once you can define that, you’ll have your answer.

When I started SL, I was 20 and a genuine friend meant something totally different than what it means now to me. I had over 500 friends on my list, I always was getting IMs and TPs. There was always something to do, places to go, people to troll and always someone to do those things with. Then all that stopped being fun and I realized most of the people I was hanging out with, weren’t the type of people I wanted to be hanging out with. A lot of those people were on my list and I didn’t even know why or couldn’t remember a conversation I had with them.

I started logging on with my clothing dummy alt more and more just because I didn’t want to be bothered with all of the crap I involved myself in.  I started looking for quality instead of quantity. I know it seems like I’m not answering your question, but I am. Quality to me meant, people I could hang out with, talk to judgement free, take pictures with, gossip with RL stuff and SL stuff. People I don’t have to talk to everyday, but when I IM them or they IM me, they respond and I respond to them too.

My list isn’t 500 people this time, it’s something more genuine for me. That’s what works for me. You just have to find what you’re looking for by lowering your expectations a little and deciding what a genuine friendship would look like to you in a virtual world.

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Genuine relationships come from genuine intentions and effort. Relationships are built, not obtained. Its really nothing different than any long-distance relationship. I have friends I only communicate with via phone and social media who are not in SL and do not live near me. Why should that be any different in SL? I personally don't like (don't mistake this for judging) phrases like "SL relationship". The reason SL is not always effective for forming relationships has nothing to do with the platform, but more the way we use it, in my humble opinion. If you treat it like just another meeting place, you'll do fine in time. If you treat it like some sort of workaround to actually forming real connections, you'll quite likely continue to have trouble on an ongoing basis. Its a great medium for real world connection (long-distance relationships existed way before SL), it just gets overhyped as a replacement for such. It might be called Second Life, but contrary to popular belief, it is not actually "a second life". We only have one.

Your encounters are brief, intellectual and then sexual in nature.

There is your issue. Why are you allowing them to become sexual before it becomes a committed relationship?

You're trying too hard, in my opinion. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are relationships.

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On 12/5/2019 at 11:32 AM, Selene Gregoire said:

Do you mean the ones who came over to SL from AW? 

They seemed to be from several places, but AW was mentioned 🙂

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