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autonug

Starting a conversation with someone new

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I rarely IM first, because of several reasons- shyness, not feeling witty, just being content to be on SL alone at the time, and a few others.  I don't mind a "hi" but when I answer back and then the person puts the responsibility of getting the conversation going on me, I get annoyed.  Ex- 

Random person: "Hi"

Me: "Hello there"

Random person: "What's up?"

Me: Um, I don't know? You tell me?  You did message me after all.  I don't know what's up, I didn't have anything to share.  I mean I could tell you how things in my life are going atm, but I doubt that's what you really want to know.  (I don't respond with that, but it's whats in my head) 

But then you get fun & quirky IMs that make you smile and you never hear from that person again- and that's okay :)

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I agree about being asked a question as an introduction, as opposed to just saying 'Hi' etc..

Being asked a sensible question regarding my avatar or what she is wearing will almost always garner a positive response from me. 

Second life is not real life and the differences and nuances when introducing yourself are not necessarily the same.

Just because someone comes and stands in front of you does not automatically mean you can see them. I'm often camming in stores or events and not looking at myself and I don't want to lose my cam position just to see who it is. I may read their profile but if it was sensibl conversation starter I may just start chatting without ever looking at them and then like them regardless of their avatar appearance.

If I like a man's avatar I will almost always talk to him. These men are rarely the smooth, sleek, polished and modern avatars, but rather the ones I simply like the look of. Often they are the classic system avatars because to achieve a decent mature male look is not easy with mesha body and face. I like older men in RL too, so it's how I am.

I feel for men sometimes as the onus is often on them to make the first move, so when I make the first move they are often flattered, but not always. I get the occasional kick-back too and it's a shame when he has an avatar I really like.

The division between real life and 2nd life is a very easy one for me to make. Even while Firestorm is loading I am already becoming 'me'.. and me is my SL avatar. I'm not interested in the person's real life at all, any relationship is between our two avatars.

RL questions, even as basic as 'which country are you from', are off-putting for me. My avatar is what you see, my personality is my avatar. Take it or leave it.

 

Edited by CandyCole
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On 10/29/2019 at 7:53 AM, autonug said:

[...] when guys approach them with a 'hi'. Well guy might genuinely wanted to say hello and both might have got together very well, had he just knew how to start the conversation [...]

Not necessarily. I’ve had people entirely skipping all canned conversation starters and going straight to the point. And a lot who didn’t, would’ve been surprised just how well that went with me; the very rarity of it already piques my interest.

Even those who didn’t have a point other than conversation itself, found me interesting to talk to, if and when they contributed to it being something that actually excites the mind—be it discussion, banter, etc. “Hi” and “how are you?” and “I’m from <insert nation> are, dare I say, not terribly exciting.

I can give as good as I take, if not better; but I have to be given something other than thin air. Depending on the case, I might do my part to hold the conversation for a while, even throw something of my own to spice it up; but I sure as heck ain’t going to be the only one trying to make it more than what mere chatterbots could do.

Edited by Ren Toxx
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I don't mind "hi, how are you " as long as they're able to hold a conversation beyond that. If they rely on me heavily to carry the conversation, then that makes me cringe. I do love to talk but I also like to listen.

Usually men can find something in a woman's profile to start a conversation. Or compliment her on something different than the same old "you're hot/pretty/sexy". Does she have pretty color eyes? Is her jewelry pretty and different? 

Also telling a joke is something that I love because I love people with a sense of humor. 

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There's no wonder its hard....*coughs*

Stand ten of us in a line and fire the same opening chatline and you get ten different responses. We all run subtly different parameters for chat.

I do like wit, but I don't like "jokes". I don't like txt spk. I do like flattery if well meant. In the end I use my spider sense which works pretty good.

I got a hit on the beach a couple of days ago. After a shaky start, the wit rolled in and I got a good vibe. We've chatted since but I haven't hooked up, because with my new house and inviting folks over, I just haven't had time. But this is quite rare. Whereas most girl avis I chat to, are accomplished chatters, and it just flows. The difference is remarkable. I reckon 90%+ of my regular hanging out buddies are girl avis. Not all are female in RL, but that makes no difference to me here.

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Well the underwear thing was just an example. A guy will have to think quickly and adjust to whatever situation might arise where he can ask for help from the target, I mean, lady. Excuse me, how do I get myself to dance using this AO? Is there a place I can rez a box? Is that a Belleza body? 

Or.. perhaps a general statement about the place followed by a question. This place has so many shops! Have you found something in all these stores that you like? Look there's some underwear. 😎

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9 minutes ago, Bree Giffen said:

A guy will have to think quickly and adjust to whatever situation might arise 

I think this is the crux of the matter.

 

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7 hours ago, Resi Pfeffer said:

While i accept an advice not to mix bright blue and red clothes because it can hurt the eyes...

spider-man-png-img.png&f=1&nofb=1

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Women do you start conversations or are you waiting for someone to say something then decide if it is interesting to continue or not ?

When you start are you using the advice you are sharing here. As a man so many time conversation starts in 5 steps

1- Hi or Hello

2- I reply Hi or Hello

3 How are you? or something similar

4. When I don't care I say 'I am ok' or I am fine etc... Sometimes I like to be provocative and say 'I am bad' I am not well etc..

5  - Nice to hear

6 ---> The real conversation could start.. Sometimes I don't do step 1 to 5 but start at the 6 and come back to the 1 afterward. Because it is very impolite to start a conversation without saying 'Hello' At least in my culture.

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"Hello" is fine, but it doesn't invite a reply.  By itself, it's rather a dead greeting.  Try, "Hello. Do you have any idea where we are?"  Or maybe, "Hello. That's a lovely scarf. It matches your skirt."  Or, "Hello! Did you see what that guy just did?" Or, "Hello. Can you tell me how to adjust my camera so that I can look behind me without turning around?"   You can say a lot of things after "Hello" that open a conversation, but "Hello" by itself just sits there.

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15 minutes ago, Lureo said:

Women do you start conversations or are you waiting for someone to say something then decide if it is interesting to continue or not ?

When you start are you using the advice you are sharing here. As a man so many time conversation starts in 5 steps

1- Hi or Hello

2- I reply Hi or Hello

3 How are you? or something similar

4. When I don't care I say 'I am ok' or I am fine etc... Sometimes I like to be provocative and say 'I am bad' I am not well etc..

5  - Nice to hear

6 ---> The real conversation could start.. Sometimes I don't do step 1 to 5 but start at the 6 and come back to the 1 afterward. Because it is very impolite to start a conversation without saying 'Hello' At least in my culture.

Well, "Hi" or "Hello"....followed by a question could get the conversation going.  Such as, "Hi, first time I've been here...how do you like the _________ " fill in the blank (such as music or singer).

Edit:  Oh sorry, Rolig beat me to it.  

Edited by FairreLilette

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4 minutes ago, FairreLilette said:

Edit:  Oh sorry, Rolig beat me to it.

Yeah, well this is a conversation.  :)

 

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34 minutes ago, Lureo said:

Women do you start conversations or are you waiting for someone to say something then decide if it is interesting to continue or not ?

When you start are you using the advice you are sharing here. As a man so many time conversation starts in 5 steps

1- Hi or Hello

2- I reply Hi or Hello

3 How are you? or something similar

4. When I don't care I say 'I am ok' or I am fine etc... Sometimes I like to be provocative and say 'I am bad' I am not well etc..

5  - Nice to hear

6 ---> The real conversation could start.. Sometimes I don't do step 1 to 5 but start at the 6 and come back to the 1 afterward. Because it is very impolite to start a conversation without saying 'Hello' At least in my culture.

I wouldn't make it to #6 on this conversation. To me this is just idle strain, instead of "Hello, how are you?" if I have to have six exchanges just to get to something more than that, I've already TP'd out of the area or am typing up my usual, "Sorry, I can't chat right now, I'm [doing something]." You have to remember this is text, and typing and reading is much slower than if this exchange was in voice.

No worries about starting out with "hello" and understand it is a cultural thing. In fact, I will get just as turned off by someone just blurting in IM, "Where did you get that mermaid tail?" without leading in with a "hi, I couldn't help but notice that great mermaid look..." or even a "hi." Just the demand.

While SL chat is a bit different than RL chatting, you gotta remember there are actual people at the other end. Politeness works.

PS. In answer to your first question: Yes, I start conversations and yes, I use what I have said here. I read profiles, so my opening comments are usually along those lines, or perhaps on an interesting bit about the other avatar's appearance.

 

Edited by Seicher Rae
to add the PS
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22 minutes ago, Rolig Loon said:

"Hello" is fine, but it doesn't invite a reply.  By itself, it's rather a dead greeting.  Try, "Hello.

Humm for me Hello is not a dead greeting but invite the other to say at least Hello. You can stop after if you want.  Otherwise I take that  to be not polite.

Hello for me means : 'I am here' or 'I see you' ' I wish you a nice day' etc..  But I am sure I am wrong because english is not my language. It is only my feeling.

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1 hour ago, Lureo said:

Women do you start conversations or are you waiting for someone to say something then decide if it is interesting to continue or not ?

When you start are you using the advice you are sharing here. As a man so many time conversation starts in 5 steps

1- Hi or Hello

2- I reply Hi or Hello

3 How are you? or something similar

4. When I don't care I say 'I am ok' or I am fine etc... Sometimes I like to be provocative and say 'I am bad' I am not well etc..

5  - Nice to hear

6 ---> The real conversation could start.. Sometimes I don't do step 1 to 5 but start at the 6 and come back to the 1 afterward. Because it is very impolite to start a conversation without saying 'Hello' At least in my culture.

In some cultures it is considered rude to ask about a person's health when meeting for the first time.

Unless you really do want to hear about my health issues (most people don't, probably because they don't really care), don't ask. Don't put people who are not in good health or not feeling well in RL in that position. You're doing them more harm than good.

In most cases, questions are a good thing. They show that you're actively engaged and interested in a conversation or experience.

But, as with anything, there's a line here. If you've ever been prompted with an overly personal or probing question that made your voice catch in your throat, you already know that there's a pretty big difference between being inquisitive and irritating. And, it’s a line that is all too easy to cross.

So, how can you tell when you’re teetering on that edge between interested and plain old rudeness?

1. You’re asking questions you already know the answer to.

2. You’re using accusatory language “Why the heck would you ever include Adam?” 

3. You’re sticking your nose where it doesn't belong

4. You’re qualifying your questions “This really isn’t any of my business, but…”

We can all be a little nosy at times, it’s human nature. But, there’s a definite line between being curious and being downright rude.

Edited by Selene Gregoire
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1 hour ago, Lureo said:

Women do you start conversations or are you waiting for someone to say something then decide if it is interesting to continue or not?

FIFY.

To answer the question: both. Less the former, not because I believe it should be up to others, but because too many come awfully close to saying “hi” and considering that they’ve already done their part, now it completely falls on the other to carry the weight of the conversation and the burden to make it interesting.

Saying “hello” only signals your intent to start a conversation, and polite though it may be, in itself it invites or facilitates no deeper response than merely repeating back the word. That’s not a conversation, that’s just the human equivalent of a protocol handshake to open an electronic communication; and in the cases we’re mainly discussing in this thread, it too often ends up being performing the handshake, and then sending absolutely nothing—except perhaps more protocol messages intended to keep the channel open... just to keep it open.

It’s not about who starts it, or with what exact token, any more than it is about gender, Lureo. It’s about content.

Edited by Ren Toxx
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If I am starting a conversation with someone new, I'm much more likely to do so in local chat than by IM, unless for some reason I can't even think of right now, I am wanting to speak to someone who is out of chat range. If the other person then chooses to move to IM, then I'll continue there, but that initial contact from me will almost always be in local.

If I get a solitary "Hi" in IM, with nothing after it, my usual response is "Hello, can I help you?" If their next question is something that can be answered by reading my profile, I will basically ignore them until they either read it or get bored waiting. Either way, I rarely hear another word from them.

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1 hour ago, Lureo said:

Women do you start conversations or are you waiting for someone to say something then decide if it is interesting to continue or not ?

If I see a guy that looks attractive or has an interesting profile, I have no problems talking to them first. Tbh, some guys are thrown off by that too. I’m very practice what I preach I was going to put this in my response from earlier today:

I like beards. So if I see an attractive male avi and he happens to have a beard I’ll im him

/me playfully tugs on your beard

or

/me strokes your beard and says “How are you today?”

That usually gets their attention, but it can also blow up in my face, but I know exact who I’m dealing with from their response. I’ve always been like that, I’ve always been that kind of person, so doing things like that come easily to me.

Its not “hi” or “hello”, it’s a little fun, a little flirty and a little different.

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9 hours ago, Pixie Kobichenko said:

I rarely IM first, because of several reasons- shyness, not feeling witty, just being content to be on SL alone at the time, and a few others.  I don't mind a "hi" but when I answer back and then the person puts the responsibility of getting the conversation going on me, I get annoyed.  Ex- 

Random person: "Hi"

Me: "Hello there"

Random person: "What's up?"

That bugs me too. Here in the UK, "What's up" does not mean "What's happening?" It means "What's wrong?" It's the sort of thing you might say if you see someone crying, or angry. So my instinctive response to "What's up?" is "Nothing," meaning that nothing is wrong, I am fine, etc.. But then they assume I mean that nothing is happening and therefore I must be the most boring person on the grid.

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12 minutes ago, Matty Luminos said:

That bugs me too. Here in the UK, "What's up" does not mean "What's happening?" It means "What's wrong?" It's the sort of thing you might say if you see someone crying, or angry. So my instinctive response to "What's up?" is "Nothing," meaning that nothing is wrong, I am fine, etc.. But then they assume I mean that nothing is happening and therefore I must be the most boring person on the grid.

Them: Hi.

Me: Hello.

Them: What's up?

Me: The opposite of down.

*crickets*

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Read their profile and make a comment about something You read but try and not make it sexual.    Be respectful and don’t be a smart ass either.

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On October 29, 2019 at 2:53 AM, autonug said:

 how much does age, profile or maybe RL section of guy matters while choosing whether to response back or let his message un-responded.

I have a business to promote so I tend to respond to anything, but the most sure fire IM is one with a question that indicates he has read my profile.

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I read profiles and look for bits that say "Don't say X, Y, or Z to me!"

Then I open up with X, Y, and Z. 

Edited by Gadget Portal
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On 10/30/2019 at 4:50 PM, Lindal Kidd said:

spider-man-png-img.png&f=1&nofb=1

If that's go into your eyes it's deffenetly will hurt it. So she was right. 

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On 10/30/2019 at 7:42 PM, Selene Gregoire said:

Them: Hi.

Me: Hello.

Them: What's up?

Me: The opposite of down.

*crickets*

Exept in Australia. 

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