Compliments - What has made you feel good?

[Madelaine McMasters]

I don't take compliments well... at all. I've had friends beat me up over that, reminding me that compliments are gifts from other people and that accepting them with grace shows that you care about them. So, when I get a compliment I grit my teeth and muster up as much grace as possible, which probably isn't much. I think I know myself fairly well and compliments feel like misjudgments by those who compliment me. I'm happy enough not being rejected, anything more feels superfluous.

That said, probably the best compliment I can recall came from an engineer at a small company I consulted for from 2010-2012. When I announced my retirement, the company threw a tiny party. At that party, the engineer thanked me for showing him just how joyous engineering could be. He'd never thought much about the awesomeness of the nature he was harnessing, nor the impact his work would have on others.

Apparently my daily excitement over beating back entropy was contagious and he caught the bug. I didn't need the compliment, his newfound joy was more than enough for me. I was just doing what I do. Nevertheless, his newfound joy was contagious in return and I was moved.

Constructive criticism is different. I really do appreciate that, because I can use it to improve... if I believe you.

Edited October 24, 2019 by Madelaine McMasters

[Scylla Rhiadra]

1 minute ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

I don't take compliments well... at all.

Tell me about it.

[Madelaine McMasters]

Just now, Scylla Rhiadra said:

Tell me about it.

It all started when I was a child...

[Madelaine McMasters]

4 hours ago, Pamela Galli said:

Makes my day when someone says my houses and furniture are the best, their favorite, all they use, etc., even though I know they are probably just being nice.

I actually hate your houses and furniture. Do you realize just how frustrating it is to look at one of your builds, then turn my head to look at the RL mess that consumes my life? Do you, Pamela?!

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Edited October 24, 2019 by Madelaine McMasters
Cuz my rant should be as well constructed as Pam's homes.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

1 hour ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

Constructive criticism is different. I really do appreciate that, because I can use it to improve... if I believe you.

Ok, so let's go there. (Stick with me: this has a point.)

Many years ago, when these forums were a blood-drenched bear-pit of nastiness, I found myself, on one particular occasion, prodded and baited in a particularly egregious way by the resident house troll. I almost literally saw red: I was so furious I totally lost control of myself, and started a new thread in which I called him out by name, complained about my treatment at his hands, and just generally made a lot of unpleasant and unnecessary noise. It was a self-serving, self-pitying, intemperate little poo-ball of a thread, and I was (quite rightly) taken to task by other forum posters for it.

One response in particular, however, completely stopped me in my tracks: it was a thoughtful, measured, and not at all unkind, but still firm, critique of my motivations for creating the thread, and the impact that it might have. That post was by someone who is still here with us, Qie Niangao, whose contributions here are always informative, interesting, and measured, and it totally changed the way I thought about my role on these forums, and my relationship to the community. In response to his criticism, I posted an apology and a retraction. His comments didn't make me a "perfect" forum member (nothing, sadly, will ever accomplish that), but they certainly made me a more thoughtful and careful one. They made me a better member of this community. I have on a couple of occasions gone back to reread that thread, and Qie's post: it is painful as hell (even talking about it now makes me cringe a little bit inside, because who likes remembering themselves being an idiot?). But it's not a bad thing to get a "refresher" occasionally, particularly when I'm in danger of overreacting.

Ok, so, the payoff: the other day, @Gabriele Graves posted that she appreciated the efforts I'd made to diffuse bad feelings in one of my threads. I think she was overstating my contributions, but it was a lovely, lovely thing for her to say, and pretty much the nicest thing I've heard from anyone in weeks. Thank you, Gabriele, so much for that. And I owe a thank you to Qie, too, because had he not gently upbraided me as he did all those years ago, the probability is good that I would not have been trying to calm tempers in that thread at all.

So. Critique and compliment: opposite and complementary sides of the same coin, perhaps?

Edited October 24, 2019 by Scylla Rhiadra

[Madelaine McMasters]

13 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

So. Critique and compliment: opposite and complementary sides of the same coin, perhaps?

Absolutely. Both can and should be motivating. I already think pretty highly of myself, so I don't really need help. I also realize that I don't see myself the way others do, so it's helpful to be made aware of that, even if it pains me. If I imagine myself skiing through life, compliments are ski wax and constructive criticism warns of the tree ahead while I'm admiring the wax job. It's not hard for me to favor the utility of one side over the other.

[AyelaNewLife]

44 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

(even talking about it now makes me cringe a little bit inside, because who likes remembering themselves being an idiot?)

If you don't look back at your past actions and cringe, you're probably still making those same cringey mistakes.

I have a love-hate relationship with compliments - I love receiving them, but hate responding to them. It's easy when it's a basic "nice ass mmmm" from some knuckledragger, but when I receive a thoughtful and genuinely pleasant compliment about something I have created or achieved, I honestly feel like my response is inadequate. I feel like any variation on "thank you so much!" is trite and almost not genuine, especially when the comment goes into detail (almost always about my avatar or my photos). Ideally there would be a conversation hook I can build up, but not always...

(Which probably says more about my own mental state than I should be posting on a public forum, but ah well.)

[Ivanova Shostakovich]

3 hours ago, BelindaN said:

So basically we're all compliment junkies???!!!🤔

   /me senses the shakes in Belinda.

   Belinda, you're very kind and intelligent. I like the way in which you express yourself.

[Ivanova Shostakovich]

2 hours ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

I don't take compliments well... at all. I've had friends beat me up over that, reminding me that compliments are gifts from other people and that accepting them with grace shows that you care about them. So, when I get a compliment I grit my teeth and muster up as much grace as possible, which probably isn't much. I think I know myself fairly well and compliments feel like misjudgments by those who compliment me. I'm happy enough not being rejected, anything more feels superfluous.

That said, probably the best compliment I can recall came from an engineer at a small company I consulted for from 2010-2012. When I announced my retirement, the company threw a tiny party. At that party, the engineer thanked me for showing him just how joyous engineering could be. He'd never thought much about the awesomeness of the nature he was harnessing, nor the impact his work would have on others.

Apparently my daily excitement over beating back entropy was contagious and he caught the bug. I didn't need the compliment, his newfound joy was more than enough for me. I was just doing what I do. Nevertheless, his newfound joy was contagious in return and I was moved.

Constructive criticism is different. I really do appreciate that, because I can use it to improve... if I believe you.

   I love you.

   I'm glad you're in this thread. 

   Thank you for, probably inadvertently, helping me to fix a misspelling in this thread's title.

   Hate me if you must for saying these things, but, this is the way things are.

[Skell Dagger]

Over the years I've done a lot of internal work regarding gracious acceptance of compliments. As Maddy said, when someone gives you a compliment they are giving you a gift. To brush it off in any way is to tell them "I don't want your gift" and... well, that's a bit rude. So a simple "Thank you" (even if I'm squirming with discomfort because I feel like I must be big-headed if I'm accepting [and therefore agreeing with] the compliment) is always - in my eyes - the right option.

For me, receiving compliments from people who are grateful for the help I have given them is by far the most rewarding part of what I do. Whether it's a tutorial post that I've written on my blog or personal help given to people who need either advice regarding Catwa heads (as part of my job) or general avatar customisation, I do my damndest to give back as a kind of thank you to all the people who have helped me inworld over the last 12 years. And it's wonderful to know that links to my tutorials are being given to other people, or that I've helped someone to fix a problem or to feel good about their avatar's looks.

Occasionally - alongside the written thanks - I'll be sent money or a gift. That does tend to make me feel a bit uncomfortable (money especially so) but - since it's a compliment in a non-verbal format - I keep it, and just proffer gentle protestations that it was honestly not necessary, but thank the person anyway.

[Madelaine McMasters]

11 minutes ago, Ivanova Shostakovich said:

Hate me if you must for saying these things, but, this is the way things are.

...hates you to pieces.

[Madelaine McMasters]

38 minutes ago, AyelaNewLife said:

If you don't look back at your past actions and cringe, you're probably still making those same cringey mistakes.

This reminds me of people who claim to have no regrets. How is that possible?

[Amanda Crisp]

“You are SO like everybody’s favorite aunt....”

[Bree Giffen]

This newbie said to me once, "Wow! You replied using complete sentences!" I think he was a teacher who was visiting SL because he heard about it on the radio. This was a while back. 

 

[Seicher Rae]

I love putting together sims. I don't advertise these places, you'll not find them on destination guides, but I do like visitors. My last build was 3/4 of a sim, underwater in Fanci's Deep (such a shame, after I left most of the long-lived Fanci's Deep was sold and dismantled). My builds usually have a story behind them, and this one had a submerged group of buildings along a two-lane road. I didn't get all compliments.   One memorable fella just couldn't get over the fact that I placed paving underwater, and we had a longish IM over how weird the whole thing was. But back to the compliments.  I had several complete strangers IM me about the build. They took the time to find out whose land it was and to IM me. The comments were so nice! I beamed. Similarly, I found some photos on Flickr where strangers took pictures on my build just cuz. Beam.

Speaking of pictures, I also get like a five-year-old whose mom sticks a crayon drawing on the fridge when people compliment my photography. I have had a few people who couldn't believe they weren't PShopped (I don't do post-production). That's pretty cool.

Yeah, basically I'm pretty easy. Pat me on the head. I'm easily swayed.

 

Edited October 24, 2019 by Seicher Rae

[Amina Sopwith]

Ooh ooh. There was a time, when I was roleplaying with my Dom in a one-on-one capture playground, that a Gorean IMed me to tell me I was sick in the head and wouldn't last one minute in Gor. Warmed the very cockles of my heart, that did. 

 

[Tari Landar]

"I don't care if it's not mesh, I like it"

 

I don't build with mesh-well, I don't MAKE my own mesh, I do occasionally build with it, mostly just personal stuff. Frankly, I can't make it, at least not if I intend for it to actually look as it should. I build with prims and sculpts exclusively, and have since 2008. I get a lot of requests to rebuild things "in mesh"-and that's very, very disheartening, both from a creative point of view and a functional one-it's a reminder that I suck, and there are few things I hate more than knowing I suck. That literally says to me "you would be a better creator if you did things my way, because your way isn't good enough"-again, disheartening to say the least, even if it's not meant, it FEELS that way, and that's enough. That's as bad as people who say sculpts and prims aren't as good as mesh-it may be their personal preference, but it's not an all encompassing truth, and it's more insulting than not. 

So when someone enjoys something I have made, in any capacity, and enjoys it despite (in spite of?) the fact that it's not mesh and STILL is good enough for them...yeah, best compliment ever. (even better when I know the quality could be better, but I digress..)

I have a tendency to compliment other creators that work in prim and sculpt exclusively too, because we are very much a dying breed in sl, and it's rare that any one of us gets any compliments these days. I realize that mesh may look prettier to some (to me, it actually looks the same as sculpt, but..I'm mostly blind, so what do I know, lol), and that it's also very difficult to create-for those that do. There are a LOT of amazing things made from mesh in sl too-even if I may not always be able to see them, I can appreciate their value. But mesh creators, as a group, get compliments out the ass, literally, all the time. They're seen, almost exclusively now (this wasn't the case at on time) as "better creators".....I'm going to trail that thought right off on out of here because I was going somewhere negative with that...Suffice it to say, I like thinking about the folks that don't fall under that umbrella too, because they paved the way for everything else and that's VERY noteworthy in my book! 

I don't care for most other (ok nearly all other) compliments, because I have a hard time believing all are real, intended, or even understood by the one offering. Someone told me my av looked "cute"(I have no idea where they were going with it, and don't even care, lol) and my reply was "thanks, but you really should tell the creators that made the stuff". They thought I was being rude, and had a few choice words for me as I walked away, lol, I wasn't being rude, but I didn't make anything my av had on, except my shape. :shrugs: I come at things from a different perspective I think, and some take offense to that, but it's never intended to be offensive. I just don't particularly have a whole lot of connection with or care for how my av looks. 

[Madelaine McMasters]

59 minutes ago, Seicher Rae said:

Pat me on the head.

...sets fire to it. That's the best I can do.

[roseelvira]

Same here raising hand hiding behind my chair.   I have a hard time with compliments about anything i make or draw  etc   in sl and rl. Posting in the forums many times have anxiety attacks as  i type. A wise woman my mom who is on the other side of this physical plane of earth told me  when one gives you a compliment it is because they see the beautiful light  within your heart and kindnes and love. And when you play your music   i  play any keyboards (((,,, and yes i play better than i type lololo))))  , or draw or make or do anthing with love that love shines forth from it . I miss my mom and i know she is watching over me . My Rl hubby say s it is because i hide . I feel more comfortable in the corner talking to one person in rl than being in front of a crowd . Hugs hugs hugs ,

[roseelvira]

9 hours ago, Pamela Galli said:

Makes my day when someone says my houses and furniture are the best, their favorite, all they use, etc., even though I know they are probably just being nice

I love your items  and they are awsome  and top of my short list your  builds homes furnishihng etx  items.... and no not being nice being real  .truthfully  i wish you had a real life store cause then i would buy all that stuff as well ,,,,,, looking at my cc balances lolololol wink 

Edited October 24, 2019 by roseelvira
my typing again grrrrr

[BelindaN]

4 hours ago, Ivanova Shostakovich said:

   /me senses the shakes in Belinda.

   Belinda, you're very kind and intelligent. I like the way in which you express yourself.

Thankyou so much Iva. I'll take your compliment and rub it all over!!!

Two more things have come to mind since I last looked at this thread.  One observation is from a training skills course, and relates to what Maddy said about feeling good about herself......so do I, but bear with me. There are two datums.... How you see yourself, and how others see you. The trick is to understand what sits between those two points of view and try to close that gap.

The other concept came from another self awareness course and is about personal feedback. When you can embrace what's said you should take it to the heart, revel in it, rub it all over, make it warm and fuzzy.

When you can't easily embrace it, take it to the head, think it through, analyse it, rationalise it, understand where it came from, and take lessons from it........

That's what I try to do.😊

[Seicher Rae]

1 hour ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

...sets fire to it. That's the best I can do.

I'm not sure which way to respond to this. Hm. The full lines you responded to were: Yeah, basically I'm pretty easy. Pat me on the head. I'm easily swayed. Since I'm easy and easily swayed, the personal arson is close enough to a head pat to meet the requirements. So... thanks. 

OR

Something along the lines of "Oh great. Getting flamed in the Forums again..." [sarcasm font included]

[kali Wylder]

"An acquaintance that begins with a compliment is sure to develop into a real friendship. It starts in the right manner." ― Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband

Me? I get lots of them in SL; I like it; they make me feel good.  It makes me feel like Stuart Smally, an old Saturday Night Live character created by former Senator Al Franken. Stuart Smally was the self help movement junkie who would give these motivational talks to himself and always would end with "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and Dog Gone It, people like me"

I'm easy.  Say something nice to me and I purr.

 

Edited October 24, 2019 by kali Wylder

[Madelaine McMasters]

52 minutes ago, Seicher Rae said:

I'm not sure which way to respond to this. Hm. The full lines you responded to were: Yeah, basically I'm pretty easy. Pat me on the head. I'm easily swayed. Since I'm easy and easily swayed, the personal arson is close enough to a head pat to meet the requirements. So... thanks. 

OR

Something along the lines of "Oh great. Getting flamed in the Forums again..." [sarcasm font included]

It looks like you might have found a way to derive some satisfaction from either interpretation.

I love win/win!

[Madelaine McMasters]

If you people keep up this "I enjoy compliments" crap, I'm gonna have to set the entire thread on fire.

DON'T TEMPT MEEEEE!!!