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Tandy Brandi

Relationship with no RL info

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Does anyone prefer to keep things strictly SL in relationships?  I'm seeing someone who shares no RL info.  I don't know their U.S. state, age, RL marital status, etc.  I know strictly SL info.  Occasional talk about RL hobbies/sports or time commitments,  but that's it.  They could be hiding something, but I've also never asked him, perhaps enjoying the mystery.  I'm sort of on the fence about this.  Is this sustainable? 

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23 minutes ago, Tandy Brandi said:

Is this sustainable? 

Absolutely. I try to do this myself, though I also don't keep secrets; I'll answer any question. But then it breaks any immersion one make have. There is a reason they called it "Second" life. In the beginning that's how people treated it. Nowadays it seems too many people are trying to make RL romantic hookups (that never happen 99.43% of the time) with it. What could possibly go wrong with that? ~rolls eyes~

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Thanks Alyona.  I guess his could be the same reason.  I'm not looking for a RL relationship and really enjoy this person.  I haven't had a good partner in crime in a long while.  :) I suppose I simply operate with my heart on my sleeve without much mystery.  Maybe it's time to try something different. 

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2 minutes ago, Alyona Su said:

Absolutely. I try to do this myself, though I also don't keep secrets; I'll answer any question. But then it breaks any immersion one make have. There is a reason they called it "Second" life. In the beginning that's how people treated it. Nowadays it seems too many people are trying to make RL romantic hookups (that never happen 99.43% of the time) with it. What could possibly go wrong with that? ~rolls eyes~

Agrees with this. Though I'm not an old account in the grand scheme of things, back when I first joined SL talking about RL too much earned raised brows and skepticism, at least in the circles I ran. Now the opposite is true. The emphasis has shifted to RL and a good majority of people treating SL as a semi-dating site. That's their prerogative and to each their own. Not my cup of tea.

I prefer anonymity. I don't have anything to hide, though I am going to balk if someone demands to see a pic of my girly parts just to prove I am who I say I am. And if they're that insecure it means any chance we had as a SL couple has just ended. If RL friendships (and feelings) grow, as they do, there's a chance we might exchange more RL information. I'm actually RL friends with my SL ex now and we still talk outside of SL and exchange emails sometimes (though he is seeing someone in RL and that's not and never was any of my business). I respect his RL boundaries and he respects mine, but we never started out with that as the end goal. I consciously avoid those that do. It's been my experience that those seeking more RL information are usually lonely and looking for someone, anyone, to fill a void in their real lives and I don't want the responsibility of "completing" someone, I'd rather "compliment" them; a concept not many seem to embrace. I enjoy the fantasy. I don't need to know if my SL partner is a sixty-year-old woman controlling that tall, masculine well-chiseled avatar because at the end of the day I don't care. I don't have the expectation of taking anything outside of SL. If they do, they need to find someone else because we will just not work. That's my two-cents.

 

52 minutes ago, Tandy Brandi said:

Does anyone prefer to keep things strictly SL in relationships?  I'm seeing someone who shares no RL info.  I don't know their U.S. state, age, RL marital status, etc.  I know strictly SL info.  Occasional talk about RL hobbies/sports or time commitments,  but that's it.  They could be hiding something, but I've also never asked him, perhaps enjoying the mystery.  I'm sort of on the fence about this.  Is this sustainable? 

If they're hiding something, what does it matter? Unless you actually do have plans to take things further and explore the possibility of anything RL then why do you need to know? The only caveat to that would be if they are under-aged or breaking some law (I don't know what) but even then that's on them not you. Sure it wouldn't be nice to realize you've been duped (if you ever did find out) but if your investment remains for the most part fixed in SL then the hurt won't be as drastic as if it stretched into RL territory. Though hurt is hurt regardless; we are all real people with real feelings and sometimes emotions just can't be controlled as much as we tell ourselves otherwise.

In terms of sustainability that depends on you, or really that you and your SL partner's expectations align. Feelings may change later, but if they do reevaluate and see how you feel then. I wouldn't worry about the future too much. Even the most dedicated RL couples sometimes don't last. It happens. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Don't put yourself there prematurely by overthinking. :) 

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1 hour ago, Tandy Brandi said:

Thanks Alyona.  I guess his could be the same reason.  I'm not looking for a RL relationship and really enjoy this person.  I haven't had a good partner in crime in a long while.  :) I suppose I simply operate with my heart on my sleeve without much mystery.  Maybe it's time to try something different. 

Here's how I approach Second Life: What happens in SL stays in SL; there is no mystery, your RL does not exist and neither does mine. I do not think about you the typist in any way other than you are a real human being with a pixel body. The physical you does not exist (generally-speaking) - sure, I know your physical self sits at a keyboard, but that's the extent of my curiosity. Everything else I see, hear, feel is the you in front me "me" in world. I am a projectionist: I project myself into my avatar so it is not an avatar, it is ME.

Just yesterday at a sand box as I was working on something, a pair TP's in within voice-shot and they were discussing her new mesh head. I noticed clearly how she always said "She is this and She does that, How does this look on her..." - that person sees their avatar as a Barbie doll they "drive" around like a toy car. THAT is the type who wants to know anything and everything about the RL person driving an avatar. THAT is the person see SL as a visual chat app. ~shrugs~

There is room for both types in SL, the caveat is that each type *needs to remember* and respect the other type.

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2 hours ago, Tandy Brandi said:

Does anyone prefer to keep things strictly SL in relationships?  I'm seeing someone who shares no RL info.  I don't know their U.S. state, age, RL marital status, etc.  I know strictly SL info.  Occasional talk about RL hobbies/sports or time commitments,  but that's it.  They could be hiding something, but I've also never asked him, perhaps enjoying the mystery.  I'm sort of on the fence about this.  Is this sustainable? 

Ask him about something then

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Thank you for your awesome insight.  I guess I've always been very open about my RL info.  (It was never frowned about in my circles. and I've been around ~10 yrs.  If anything, I feel my first group of friends and I were so diverse, internationally, that we chatted on voice constantly, talking about RL.)  It feels somewhat disconnected to be anything but... but I'm trying to be open to a new frame of mind since my new guy seems private and I respect that.  

2 hours ago, RaeLeeH said:

I enjoy the fantasy. I don't need to know if my SL partner is a sixty-year-old woman controlling that tall, masculine well-chiseled avatar because at the end of the day I don't care. 

Yup @RaeLeeH , I thought exactly that to myself.  He could be a 50 year old woman.... Can I accept that?  Yes, if I never know!  lol.  I have enough chemistry with this person, that I don't want to ruin it.  My curiosity gets the best of me sometimes, I suppose.

Thanks everyone. 

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3 hours ago, Tandy Brandi said:

Thanks Alyona.  I guess his could be the same reason.  I'm not looking for a RL relationship and really enjoy this person.  I haven't had a good partner in crime in a long while.  :) I suppose I simply operate with my heart on my sleeve without much mystery.  Maybe it's time to try something different. 

There are people in SL that don't mind sharing RL information and some that have very strict rules about that.  You need to figure out which one you are because I've found the two really don't mix *there are always exceptions* and one person may end up unhappy.  Be honest with yourself because your post says you are the fence about it so eventually you wont be happy if they truly are determined not to share RL information and you want to know. Neither approach is wrong and everyone is free to do whatever they like in SL. The trick is to find someone that shares what you are looking for whether that is a superficial friendship, one that includes RL information or an all out relationship with plans to meet eventually in RL or just a sex buddy you meet every Wednesday for an hour.   Even if you want to use SL as a match.com like site that is your business and only yours.  Read any profile and you will see for every one you read they are ALL different just like RL.

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45 minutes ago, KateaSL said:

Be honest with yourself because your post says you are the fence about it so eventually you wont be happy if they truly are determined not to share RL information and you want to know. 

I've always thought having compatible expectations is key in any relationship.  Thanks you for the pep talk.....seriously.

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For me, it varies. While I don't intend to take any SL relationship into RL, I don't mind sharing at least some RL info, and I don't mind if my SL partner shares his RL info with me.

My current SL partner is the sharing type; I know his RL name, I've seen a photo of him, and of his (unique) house, and I know the name of the very small town it's located in. I have enough info to turn up on his doorstep tomorrow, if I felt so inclined. I wouldn't though. He would be terribly disappointed.

On the other hand I don't have a need to share or receive RL info, and it wouldn't bother me if a partner didn't want to do that. However, I'd be very concerned if he didn't want to share his RL age with me though. While it may be legal for me to date a guy in his 20s, at my age (significantly over 40) it's still creepy and it would make me very uncomfortable. My current SL partner has not told me his exact age but I can tell from his photo, and from his stories of the mischief he got into whilst I was still in pre-school, that he is significantly older than me.

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20 minutes ago, Matty Luminos said:

While it may be legal for me to date a guy in his 20s, at my age (significantly over 40) it's still creepy and it would make me very uncomfortable. 

Exactly.  If I had to guess, this guy is younger than me.  I'd be turned off slightly if it was a huge age difference.  Yet another reason to continue the mystery. 

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32 minutes ago, Tandy Brandi said:

Exactly.  If I had to guess, this guy is younger than me.  I'd be turned off slightly if it was a huge age difference.  Yet another reason to continue the mystery. 

This for the most part when I say "break immersion" bit. Though once a relationship (general relationship, not necessarily romantic) has grown and you bond, then any immersion becomes less and less of an issue. RL information may unfold naturally over time. For me the key is to not have any expectation of it (There are those who expect it outright on first meeting) - though if it happens over time because you find that you "click" with someone, then sure, why not.

I suppose it comes down to initial expectations and approach.

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Sometimes people create a fictitious real life story for their avatar, so even when they seem to be sharing rl information it may be part of the role they are playing. 

I learned this when role playing twins on SL with a person who was the age of my rl kids (early 30's) and we made up a story for ourselves.  It was humorous when we were discussing what age we should be and my opinion of young was older than his rl age!  I dealt with the age difference by telling myself that he made up the rl information told to me and was actually in his 50's!

Sometimes my delusions are all that  keep me sane.....

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i would rather the girl i was with keep up the lie about her RL and me not know anything than finding out later and the fantasy be ruined.  Then the whole relationship would be based on lies

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1. for me , i will think of dating the avatar not the typist. I'll prefer a good mistery than a bad lie. Even if u ask, how do you know he will tell the truth?

18 hours ago, Tandy Brandi said:

  I'm sort of on the fence about this.  Is this sustainable? 

2. If you can't accept the mistery for all your sl relation, have that "serious talk " now. Tell him how you feel and decide together for your common journey . You will avoid lame talks in the future ( you know , the kind : he : i used to have my friday poker night with the guys and you accepted that " she : " yeah, but you are in a relation, you should dedicate your time more for me " , he : " i don't want to change " she: You have to change for me "" etc,etc,etc. we tend to see a relation as a new life and we are ready for changes.. guys, usually they like to keep what they have and see us as an extra bonus ..

3.ask yourself, do you really want to know who is behind the curtain? remember wizard of oz.we are visual persons here. We build the images of our friends based on how they look in secondlife. And 99,99% we don't look like the avatars ( shhh.we look better but don"t tell anyone this :) )

16 hours ago, Alyona Su said:

that person sees their avatar as a Barbie doll they "drive" around like a toy car. THAT is the type who wants to know anything and everything about the RL person driving an avatar. THAT is the person see SL as a visual chat app. ~shrugs~

4.wrong.no bonus for you now :) . i see my avatar as my barbie doll ( more like "monster high" dolls since were my favs, but still a doll) or as the white piece of paper where i write my next novel, so she's not me.Is not my story here, is Kweopi's story .I don't tell anyone about my Rl, and i don't ask.All my friends know this and they accepted. But i have to admit it.. is a short list. most people tend to ask for RL information and get upset if they don't receive it.

Conclusion

enjoy the ride, how long will it take. Sl relations, mhh, they are not famous for their length, but for their intensity. here you do everything you cannot do in reality, you can be everything you cannot be in reality.

the only real thing I can say about myself is that I am, in reality, the  house cat, and log in  second life when the owners are not home. But come on, you know how hard it is to write fast with these little claws ?

11 hours ago, MystiSin said:

 

Sometimes my delusions are all that  keep me sane.....

 

you have a kiss from Kweopi for that nice line.Not from the person behind the keybord, let's keep the mistery 🥰

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10 hours ago, mhardcastle said:

i would rather the girl i was with keep up the lie about her RL and me not know anything than finding out later and the fantasy be ruined.  Then the whole relationship would be based on lies

I'm never suggesting lying so much as avoiding the RL chats entirely.  Lying by omission perhaps.

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We're humans. We're gonna let stuff slip. We're going to talk about our day and the people we encounter. If we're lying, we're going to make mistakes eventually. No way to avoid these things. 

Best to break the walls down right up front. Understand the truth and decide if it's acceptable in the beginning before finding out you invested in a lie.

Unless...

Heller-Aaron-Sorkin-Truth.jpg

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1 hour ago, Gadget Portal said:

We're humans. We're gonna let stuff slip. We're going to talk about our day and the people we encounter. If we're lying, we're going to make mistakes eventually. No way to avoid these things. 

My parents said to always ever tell the truth because you always will remember what you said. Omitting some details is not a lie, but rather a choice of privacy and nothing more. If asked a question you don't want to answer then says so: "I prefer not to answer that question right now". :D

S.I.M.

P.L.E.

Edited by Alyona Su
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Not being free with Real Life information is probably safer, probably also a good way to weed out the ones who MUST have access to your Real Life.

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Honestly it depends on how serious your relationship in SL is with the person Tandy as well as the type of relationship you have. I'll try to be short, sweet, blunt, and straight to the point. Because I've seen all types of relationships on here I'll just break it down like this for you. If it's more of a rp relationship where your mainly typing to each other then I don't see an issue with a certain amount of privacy. In other words if your playing it like a game then treat it like a game. If your relationship is hitting the SL/RL line people play on that some act like it's taboo to talk about or turn their nose up at it like their poo don't stink then you need to examine the exact nature of what you want out of it. In other words if your doing the naughty on voice and otherwise then ya you might want to know some stuff. You need to set those boundaries first and fore most of what your on SL for and what you will and will not do. Draw that line in the sand first. If your like me and mainly come on for a few laugh and to chill with friends then I wouldn't sweat it. It all boils down to what type of relationship in SL is right for you basically. Work that part out first and everything else just falls in to place.

For example I been with my SL wife/partner for some years and I was very up front about what my limits were from day one, especially the stuff I don't want to do on here and the fact that I am also a gamer so while voice wasn't a requirement for me it certainly helps. I made sure if something came up that she had my out of game contact info. and even my Steam info. which I am very selective on who I give that out to because I don't mix my SL with my other gaming activities for a lot of good reasons, but mainly I don't want the drama. Now with my SL wife it worked out for me because we actually play a lot of the same games. So I lucked out basically. lol I wouldn't rush anything personally. I mean we certainly didn't. lol We hung out as friends first and even when we did start dating on here we didn't partner/marry on here until about 2 years later. lol The reality is though you can't spend the amount of years with someone on here that I have and the topic of RL not have come up. Anyone who says different I'd find a hard time believing they were being honest about it.

That's a whole other story though. Point being if you know what your boundaries are then you know how far to take things and exactly how much information you really do need to know. If it's agreed up front SL only then you have to accept it for what it is worth or end that relationship and avoid the heartache all together. Tough call, but it's a call you got to make none the less. Hope this helps some and good luck. ;)

P.S. Ok before anyone says anything. I know that wasn't as short as I thought it'd be so my bad. Anyway have an awesome day everyone. lol :D

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