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what would be your reaction if any if you found out your SL partner/GF/BF was the opposite gender of their SL avatar..ie girl playing a guy role or guy playing a girl role??

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I couldn't care less about that. i don't date the typist, i date the persona created in game.i found once the person involved was opposite sex, but the date was amazing, so , who am i to judge? ( don't tell anyone, sex was great too :) )

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26 minutes ago, usedcars said:

what would be your reaction if any if you found out your SL partner/GF/BF was the opposite gender of their SL avatar..ie girl playing a guy role or guy playing a girl role??

Wow, so many variables influence the answer, for me. Speaking hypothetically, my reaction would change based on how soon into the relationship I found out; how I found out; whether finding out contradicts a lie; how long I had been under a different impression and how many other people are under that same impression...  Did the person volunteer the information almost immediately upon meeting?  Did the person try deliberately to snow me and was accidentally outed?  Have I just had a great day and can handle things like a boss?  Have I just had a day full of triggers and this is the last straw?   

I have a good record of ending it when someone lies to me.  For that there is no grey area.  HOW I end it, though, that would be nuanced depending on the variables. 

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50 minutes ago, usedcars said:

what would be your reaction if any if you found out your SL partner/GF/BF was the opposite gender of their SL avatar.

I am RL married to my SL partner, and we have 2 kids together, so I would be a little surprised to say the least 🙂

But assuming, for the sake of answering your question, that I never married, etc. 
One rule that I have always had was that I would not partner with someone unless I was in love. So if my partner turned out to be the opposite gender than I thought they were, I would be surprised to find that I am capable of falling in love with someone of the "wrong" gender (something which to this date has never happened before) and that I should really consider the possibility that I could be bisexual.
Other than that, unless that partner would decide to break up with me over this revelation, it wouldn't change much to me.

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26 minutes ago, Clarrellae said:

I have a good record of ending it when someone lies to me.  For that there is no grey area.

I'm sure that you partner would know this, so what if they choose to hide their RL gender from you, for fear of losing you? In fact, the very fact that you say that there are no grey areas will make it even harder for someone in that position to come clean with you.
So in the end it will be you that makes it harder for someone to be honest with you.

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39 minutes ago, usedcars said:

what would be your reaction if any if you found out your SL partner/GF/BF was the opposite gender of their SL avatar..ie girl playing a guy role or guy playing a girl role??

   It wholly depends. I often tell people that if you're too quick to jump into a relationship, you've only got yourself to blame when you find out things about your partner that you didn't expect - it's not just a reference to gender though, but it seems a lot of people find someone in SL, get hooked up, maybe even engaged within a day or two, aaand then the relationship ends. Personally, I'm the kind of person who don't build any huge walls between SL and RL, I'm open and honest about who I am and I expect people around me to do the same - if they don't, well, I can remain an acquaintance but I won't denote someone a 'friend' let alone 'partner' if they hide in a virtual corner.

   Catfishing may be regarded as a criminal offense though, if it contains either copyright violation, impersonation, sexual offenses against minors, defamation or fraud. Whilst the act isn't directly pointed out by the SL TOS (and why would LL ever want to get involved in personal drama?), it could go as 'griefing' - which again, in itself isn't expressly addressed in the TOS other than "6.2:III: Engage in malicious or disruptive conduct that impedes or interferes with other users' normal use of or enjoyment of the Service;"

   Furthermore, as far as I can find on catfishing within California law:

"The resulting relationships vary, but can turn into a method to defraud people of their money or assets; Catfishers may harm, intimidate or threaten people as well. When the harm or fear becomes involved, Catfishing is illegal under the law.

Using someone’s likeness to create a fake profile is not the issue addressed by the state of California. The law concerns the use of said profile to take money or assets from people or using a connection to scare, worry, or threaten someone into doing something or preventing them from doing something. These are considered tangible harms in the law. The penalties can be up to $1,000 in fines, added civil damages (for fraud, false impersonation, or a myriad of civil actions), and up to a year in jail."

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20 minutes ago, Fritigern Gothly said:

I'm sure that you partner would know this, so what if they choose to hide their RL gender from you, for fear of losing you? In fact, the very fact that you say that there are no grey areas will make it even harder for someone in that position to come clean with you.
So in the end it will be you that makes it harder for someone to be honest with you.

Wellllllllllll....... that's unfortunate because then I would hypothetically be in a relationship with someone who values honesty only when it is convenient. 

It's easy to be honest if you value honesty as a principle.  If it's difficult for a person to be honest then I make a terrible partner for that person.  I can be friends with almost anybody but partnership is really different.  To me, anyway 😀

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Posted (edited)

for me the person in RL is not as important as the avatar in SL.  if i am dating a female avatar and we have fun together in SL then thats all that matters

Edited by ballparkdogg
skipped word
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The avatar is the story, the RL person behind it is the author. I am not going to stop reading a novel in the middle just because I learn the authors sex is not what I had thought it was.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Fritigern Gothly said:

I'm sure that you partner would know this, so what if they choose to hide their RL gender from you, for fear of losing you? In fact, the very fact that you say that there are no grey areas will make it even harder for someone in that position to come clean with you.
So in the end it will be you that makes it harder for someone to be honest with you.

You can't build a lasting relationship based on deceit/a lie. Full stop. 

You can't build a lasting friendship based on deceit/a lie. Full stop.

If you can't be upfront about it you are being deceitful. You are hiding the truth.

The only one making it harder to tell the truth about RL gender are the ones trying to hide it for fear they will be rejected because of it. That is not on the person who ends the relationship based on a lie. That is on the person who was not upfront, honest and truthful to begin with.

 

ETA: Basically what you've said is that if someone lies/is deceitful about their gender to a partner, than the person being lied to is the one to blame for the lie. That isn't much different from victim blaming. 

Edited by Selene Gregoire
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Posted (edited)

While I do enjoy becoming friends with the person behind the avie, if it ever even gets that far and they are comfortable to open up... I'm in SL to be Mae. Not my RL self. Which is obviously not Mae. As others above stated. I'm here for the avies and their stories, Not the authors. I've never shacked up or tied the knot in SL in my whole deacde here and I think it's because I put up that division. Being a long term/long time rper, Mae is simply a character for me and my time in SL is her story. I have no issues separating the game from rl. Not everyone shares that sentiment though. 

Edit: IMO, relationships made in sl between avies can be just that if the authors behind the avies agreed. And if in time it turns into more it does... But this isnt rl. I'm not Mae. You're not a mesh avie in the game either. We are all playing this game together... It's not rl.

Edited by Mae Omizu
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If you aren't in SL to get to know the people behind the avatars you associate with, keep walking. If you aren't interested in getting to know me, I'm not interested in associating with you. Avatars are representations of the people behind them. They don't have to look like the person in real life to be a representation. They are representative of you and your personality. They are a reflection of some facet of the individual that can't be divorced from that individual. By anyone. And that does include those whose avatars are animals, furry, demon, angel, what the heck ever.

 

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I don't really care about RL gender or particulars till it's just to friendship in SL. But, I won't be comfortable in dating someone in SL of same gender in RL. I personally will never ask someone for verification and will wait till we know each other better before forming partner. One reason why its so for me is cause when I am loving someone my feeling are from OOC me, not that I expect to be together in RL but I do care about RL person as well and not just her persona. But again I don't really care about his/her RL gender if we just want to be friends in SL or just RP-mates. 

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Posted (edited)

So if I was single and  dating, my dating pool would be exclusively female avatars.

If I had a GOOD Girlfriend and found out she was a guy IRL.... who was consciously making an effort to upgrade his gender in SL.... I believe in rewarding good behavior 🙂 

Obviously he is a smart guy 🙂

giphy.gif?cid=8fc3c8975d49032768374a7732

 

 

Edited by AmandaKeen
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8 hours ago, usedcars said:

what would be your reaction if any if you found out your SL partner/GF/BF was the opposite gender of their SL avatar..ie girl playing a guy role or guy playing a girl role??

I wouldn't care. 

Well, I might if it was a guy playing a girl role because I'm not into girls and would likely not even start a relationship with a female avatar anyway. If I am going to date someone I at least want their avatar to be attractive to me. I feel the same about older men playing barely-legal twinks; I'd honestly be much more attracted to them if their avatar was closer to their real age, yanno?

But assuming their avatar was attractive to me in the first place, it really doesn't matter to me what configuration of genitals are sitting on the chair. In any case, the configuration of genitals doesn't necessarily correspond with their RL gender identity anyway; they might be trans or non-binary. So even if their physical RL body doesn't match the avatar, it is still not necessarily deceit/lying/catfishing.  They may just be expressing a gender they feel they are but cannot express in RL for whatever reason. 

The only situation in which I would need a person to be totally honest with me is if their RL gender identity doesn't match their avatar. In other words, if they fully identify as female in RL while using a male avatar. Not trans, not non-binary, not using a male avatar because they feel it suits or fits them better, but using it just "for fun" or "for a change" or even to deliberately deceive.  That's why I make it very clear in my profile that I am male, even when my avatar has the appearance of a girl. My gender expression in SL may be androgynous or fluid, but my gender identity in RL is not.

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3 hours ago, Selene Gregoire said:

If you aren't in SL to get to know the people behind the avatars you associate with, keep walking. If you aren't interested in getting to know me, I'm not interested in associating with you. Avatars are representations of the people behind them. They don't have to look like the person in real life to be a representation. They are representative of you and your personality. They are a reflection of some facet of the individual that can't be divorced from that individual. By anyone. And that does include those whose avatars are animals, furry, demon, angel, what the heck ever.

 

Totally agree with you Selene. Who I am in SL is who I am in RL. I may not look like my avie but my personality, my quirks, my likes and dislikes are me in both worlds. And if I found out that someone was not honest about themselves from the beginning like the question, if you are female in RL that's fine, but if I find out further down the road then it's buh bye because I do not and will not tolerate liars and deceivers. Period. 

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I find it hilarious when people are shocked to find out I am not blonde with blue eyes in RL  

As for a partner, I agree with others,  deceipt would be a deal breaker.  Though if he has an avi with blue eyes and doesn't tell me he has brown eyes in rl, I am not going to hold that against him.   I have friends who play opposite genders for different reasons and that makes no difference to how I treat them.  

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17 minutes ago, Cindy Evanier said:

I find it hilarious when people are shocked to find out I am not blonde with blue eyes in RL

   But, but... You aren't the real Tinkerbell? 😮

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44 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   But, but... You aren't the real Tinkerbell? 😮

Oh I am definitely Tinkerbell and Cinderella, Snow White and just a total fairytale 😇

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Just now, Cindy Evanier said:

Oh I am definitely Tinkerbell and Cinderella, Snow White and just a total fairytale 😇

   Snow-Tinkerella von Cinderbell?!

   Pictures an abominable amalgamation of a three-headed Disney princess stitched together like some Frankenstein creation.

   ... Be still, mine beating heart. 😈

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10 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   Snow-Tinkerella von Cinderbell?!

   Pictures an abominable amalgamation of a three-headed Disney princess stitched together like some Frankenstein creation.

   ... Be still, mine beating heart. 😈

I'm a switch

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9 hours ago, usedcars said:

what would be your reaction if any if you found out your SL partner/GF/BF was the opposite gender of their SL avatar..ie girl playing a guy role or guy playing a girl role??

I didn't care in the past and I don't care now. If I like someone enough to partner them then what I see is good enough for me because for the most part it's their personality that I'm responding to, its an added bonus to enjoy the look of their pixels too. I don't care if their appearance or gender is different to what they represent on the screen because I take what I see at face value. I don't see every horse or canine avatar and think there's a real life horse or dog at the keyboard, the same as I don't believe an avatar sporting massive muscles and rippling biceps actually has that same physique in real life. I'm not naive, I just don't believe everything I see or hear in Second Life or in real life and view the world with a healthy dose of skepticism. To me SL is a virtual world with facets of RL woven through but at the end of the day it's still to whatever degree an illusion. Take my avatar for example; Rae is not the RL me. Rae doesn't dress like RL me. She appears considerably younger than the person typing this. She doesn't talk to people the same way I talk to my boss or mother in RL, etc either. She represents facets of me but she isn't really me, she's just a face I feel comfortable in wearing. I'm under no illusions that everyone else in SL is doing the same, and some identify themselves as a completely different race much less gender, so why should I have a problem with it? Providing they're not breaking any laws in the real world or virtual one then their RL gender is irrelevant to me.

As for feeling betrayed or lies by omission being a deal-breaker, that's others' prerogative. I purposefully don't ask people what their RL gender is, first because it's not my business (and I'm respecting their privacy), but second because in all honesty I don't want to know. If the avatar I see is male and the behavior is what I consider to be male then I'm treating that person as male whether or not they actually are (until they tell me differently). By knowing the truth it ruins the immersion or fantasy, not for RL expectations but the depth of character experience. We all want to identify as a particular gender (or not) according to the avatar we wear but when that cover is stripped away we're exposed to be actors on a stage, or like an imitation (more so than the fictional avatars we already are). My original SL account was male (for RP purposes) so I learned this lesson the hard way. People treat you differently when they know you're pretending. You rob yourself the full experience if you're admitting to the truth. There are those who absolutely must know that your SL and RL credentials match up and I find these kinds of individuals worrisome. It's inevitable that real feelings do develop between people even in a virtual setting but unless you plan on taking things to a RL level then there's no need for justification. Catfishing (at least in part) can be blamed on those pushing for RL information. When you back someone into a corner they might pretend to be someone else to maintain their lie, especially if their only other alternatives are to admit deceit and risk exposure or drop their character altogether since it's no longer able to provide immersion. If they've sustained that account for years or invested many thousands of lindens then they may be reluctant to come clean. When people pretend to be someone else with malicious intent or for personal gain that's a different matter entirely and a decision I don't personally condone. People are responsible for their own ethics and morals. Just as they are for allowing themselves to invest too much into a world that isn't 100% real. 

One thing I will say; many years ago I was in RP with a man on my first ever RP region that I owned, and our characters were engaged in an affair. It happened I think from memory twice. After the first time he told me in IMs he was actually a female behind the keyboard. I was taken aback by this because I was relatively new to SL and I'd never actually "been" with a woman, but then our characters had sex again that second time. I didn't notice or feel any difference between those two times (if anything - and sorry guys that are actually RL guys - sex was better in general because he knew his way around the female form for obvious reasons and wrote in detailed descriptions. I know there are guys that can do this too but they appear to be a rare commodity). Nothing had changed for me because the person I had been writing with and joking around in group chat was, generally speaking, still the exact same. We have long since parted ways now and he is managing his own RP sim with his virtual wife and kids and for all intents and purposes is still happily playing as and identifying himself as a male avatar. And I still refer to him as him though I know the truth because that's how he presents himself and as far as I know wants to be seen. As a friend I didn't want to take that from him, and I'm not that mean-spirited to call him out on it now. I didn't love him in the same sense as a partner but we were intimate and were friends for a good long while. I don't care that he's not a RL man and I don't know if other people know the truth either, but at the end of the day that's not really my business. 

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I haven't dated on SL for ages but oddly enough this happened to me.

Since the romance was strictly Second Life with no intention to go real world I was fine with it in concept. He...or rather she knew I was only interested in men but in Second Life she was a man, so problem solved! The only annoyance I got from the situation was that for about 5 months ahead of "the bomb" she spoke as if she were a real life man. Again, not that it mattered because it was only an in-world thing, but the intentional lie and her keeping up with the charade irked me the more I thought about it. I would have preferred either her being honest right off the bat or mentioning it way earlier instead of me finding out on my own.

I tried to look at it from her point of view, and I guess I understood it to some degree, but I still didn't like being deceived. In the end that lie turned into other lies and we decided to split on ok terms. 

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My RP partners, whom 98% of my friends list usually are, I couldn’t care.  But with my significant other here in SL, I do.  But for them to be significant other, they have been a friend for quite some time…and usually they’ve volunteered some of their RL by then and we’ve chatted.

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