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"That is not what I meant, at all": How to Connect Respectfully


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9 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

The "Normal" Look -- "Normal" dress in RL -- by which I mean either casual or professional clothing that isn't intended to communicate "sexiness," but is worn either for comfort or because one's job demands it -- isn't actually a very "normal" thing in SL. SL clothing tends, like so much of SL, to be hypersexualized, so even sweats and jeans are usually at least a little "sexy." Nonetheless, such clothing does exist, and you will see people who have clearly chosen to dress in a nondescript sort of way.

  • General Rule of Thumb: if someone is wearing this kind of clothing, it's almost certainly a deliberate and personal choice. We don't need or want to be told that we would be more attractive if we were wearing something else. We already know that, and we don't care.

No, we don't already know that "we would be more attractive wearing something else".   That implies that one or more of the other listed looks is always "more attractive" than the so-called 'Normal' look.

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9 minutes ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

No, we don't already know that "we would be more attractive wearing something else".   That implies that one or more of the other listed looks is always "more attractive" than the so-called 'Normal' look.

Fair point, Lil.

What I meant was simply that we are making conscious and deliberate decisions, in the full knowledge that we are looking like "this," and not like "that" (whatever "this" and "that" might be, independent of subjective evaluations of their relative attractiveness).

You are absolutely correct; I could have said this better.

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Still catching up on this thread that got lots of activity today - it was too busy at work to spend much time here.

 

8 hours ago, Alyona Su said:

Forum ban is also Grid Ban and Market Place ban (unless you are already logged into MP LOL)

 

8 hours ago, Alyona Su said:

My most recent (couple weeks ago) - was from Thursday noon until Monday noon - Forum, Log into SL, AND MP. So, maybe they are little checkboxes that are turned on and I happened to get all three? Either way - I am describing this for others' knowledge (so to not get suspended) and not any effort to discuss moderation practices.

I can confirm that a forum suspension doesn't always mean an inworld suspension, though I do believe that forum suspensions get longer with each occurrence and at some point they do start combining them with inworld suspension.  I don't know where that point is and hope to not find out.  My 24 hours from the forums was enough of a withdrawal to last me quite a while.

 

1 hour ago, KanryDrago said:

Some i met in world and we just chatted, some I met in forums and I hope she doesnt mind me saying but littleme and I have always got on we have gone to galleries and discussed but I think she would admit I never once tried to sleep with her.

Confirmed

Edited by LittleMe Jewell
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1 hour ago, anniepany said:

Maybe that's why I never get hit on LOL My AO moves as little as possible because those jerky, spasmy AO's drive me up a wall, I never thought about how an AO can transmit your intent to someone...go figure. But it does make a lot of sense, now that I think about it

I have a reasonably "calm" AO . . . I'm not walking around, or jumping, or twirling and turning, or anything like that. I don't dislike it, but probably, though, it is a bit more "coy" and mincing than I'd prefer.

I think it would be really interesting to do a sort of survey of AOs. They are usually advertised according to the kind of mood or personality they are supposed to represent (at least, the ones I know are), but it would be sort of instructive to see what kind of a range of behaviours and motions are represented. ARE there AOs for women, or at least decent ones, that aren't at least somewhat coy, or involve striking quasi-model poses? And, MORE importantly, are there any male ones that don't involve looking all broody and macho? (Oh well, at least I've never seen one that actually involved the guy flexing his biceps and pecs . . .)

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when the appearance parameters are narrowed to a genre, i.e human (excluding in this considered case other genre like anthro, fae, alien, demon, wingy, neko, tiny, mechanoid, etc) then appearance on its own is not enough of a reliable tell. Appearance + location go together

like if wearing a bikini in a hair shop indicates that we are actually shopping for hair, nevermind our clothing, and any conservation opener from a stranger about hair is usually welcome

when wearing same bikini on a surf beach then any conversation opener about the weather and the effectiveness or otherwise of SL sunscreen lotion is usually responded to positively

if wearing same bikini in a carp or booty parlor, then pretty much anything goes from strangers in the first instance, and best not to get upset when strangers are direct and to the point about our desirability to them and what they would like from us

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9 hours ago, Love Zhaoying said:

I find some people react in a triggered manner to “not interested”. I’m considering going with, “sorry, but I’m demisexual”.

Tried that. Told a guy that I was demisexual and monogamous. 

Took him about 10 minutes of googling to reply.

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3 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

I have a reasonably "calm" AO . . . I'm not walking around, or jumping, or twirling and turning, or anything like that. I don't dislike it, but probably, though, it is a bit more "coy" and mincing than I'd prefer.

I think it would be really interesting to do a sort of survey of AOs. They are usually advertised according to the kind of mood or personality they are supposed to represent (at least, the ones I know are), but it would be sort of instructive to see what kind of a range of behaviours and motions are represented. ARE there AOs for women, or at least decent ones, that aren't at least somewhat coy, or involve striking quasi-model poses? And, MORE importantly, are there any male ones that don't involve looking all broody and macho? (Oh well, at least I've never seen one that actually involved the guy flexing his biceps and pecs . . .)

I agree, that it would make an interesting survey, I know that you can go to any animation store that sells AO's and check them out on the post stand. I know what I like and what I don't like. I don't like AO's that move around, and acting like you have poo stuck on your shoe, or the ones that really are obviously coy in the way they move, perhaps we should take a trip to a store and check them out and see if we come to the same conclusions about what they represent or even if we don't come to the same conclusion it would be an interesting field trip.

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40 minutes ago, anniepany said:

I agree, that it would make an interesting survey, I know that you can go to any animation store that sells AO's and check them out on the post stand. I know what I like and what I don't like. I don't like AO's that move around, and acting like you have poo stuck on your shoe, or the ones that really are obviously coy in the way they move, perhaps we should take a trip to a store and check them out and see if we come to the same conclusions about what they represent or even if we don't come to the same conclusion it would be an interesting field trip.

I'd be totally up for a road trip like that, Annie!

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Yeah but...

If you look like a duck, you're in no position to expect people to think you're a swan. 

Now, I'm not saying duck hunting is without blame, I'm just saying, if you're a swan that looks like a duck, it's probably a good idea to keep a low profile at the pond come hunting season. 

Edited by Gadget Portal
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7 hours ago, Beth Macbain said:

Allow me to present Exhibit A... lol. He speaks of having non-sexual connections, yet only sees the conversation at hand as being about sex.

Kanry, it's about not assuming that what a person is wearing is any indication of their willingness or desire to have sex. 

 

My response was entirely to the original post and sorry the way it read to me was that it was the only connection. Now I admit I did read it late at night so maybe I misunderstood. How did I however become the bad guy for making that mistake and attempting to say Whoa there men and women connect for a lot of different reasons that have nothing to do with sex. I object to being Exhibit A

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7 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

I have a reasonably "calm" AO . . . I'm not walking around, or jumping, or twirling and turning, or anything like that. I don't dislike it, but probably, though, it is a bit more "coy" and mincing than I'd prefer.

I think it would be really interesting to do a sort of survey of AOs. 

I have a few anims from the only AO I could find where my arms don't clip into my body AND i've not accidentally stood on a fire ant nest, all because I don't want to be a brand_1 stick figure barbie.

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13 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

Yes, I suppose because the contrast between different AOs would be important to establish a particular mood or intention.

Probably AOs work mostly at a subliminal level, because they are so standardized, and, frankly so much alike. I use a Vista Bento AO; there must be 10s of thousands of women avatars using exactly the same AO. We can't all be using it to communicate the same thing all the time.

This makes good sense. But it would probably be expensive . . .

Yeah this! I have a few anims for myself but my two alts only have a couple each. Thats not to say I might go out any time and binge on AOs. I don't think AOs should be read too seriously for all the above reasons, I just pick the ones I like, for my own amusement......

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Going back to the plot, I have a couple of observations.

The approaches I get are almost always the same no matter what I'm wearing or where I am. What does confuse me is that I get way more hits on a beach than when in a club. On the beach I'm always dressed in at least swimwear.

In fact I get more hits while shopping in store than in clubs.......

Most are "hi". A few are txt spk. Very occasionally I get a real conversation. Sometimes the conversation is articulate and funny. I do apply "filters" and my number one hate is repetative use of the "F" word.

A few days ago, four of us were dancing on a beach. "Who wants sex" came in on local........

My second observation is from my early days. Innocently dressed and with a simple AO, I was bombarded with requests for sex. Plus all the other Yuk stuff which  comes from the predators of newbies.

This isn't real life. As someone said earlier, its a cartoon. But some people treat it just like RL, but at the same time think they can short cut to having sex. 

There are better ways to spend limited time in SL than having sex with strangers!  Thats not to say I haven't done it, obviously.  Yesterday I came in from having afternoon tea in a conservatory in RL...(Ooo-errr!). I then met up with an SL gf in a consevatory, where we sat and had soda and chatted for a half hour. Nothing more. It was good fun! SL should be all about having fun, but some people are just here for the pick up and sex. Just how it is.

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3 hours ago, BelindaN said:

Going back to the plot, I have a couple of observations.

The approaches I get are almost always the same no matter what I'm wearing or where I am. What does confuse me is that I get way more hits on a beach than when in a club. On the beach I'm always dressed in at least swimwear.

In fact I get more hits while shopping in store than in clubs.......

Most are "hi". A few are txt spk. Very occasionally I get a real conversation. Sometimes the conversation is articulate and funny. I do apply "filters" and my number one hate is repetative use of the "F" word.

A few days ago, four of us were dancing on a beach. "Who wants sex" came in on local........

My second observation is from my early days. Innocently dressed and with a simple AO, I was bombarded with requests for sex. Plus all the other Yuk stuff which  comes from the predators of newbies.

This isn't real life. As someone said earlier, its a cartoon. But some people treat it just like RL, but at the same time think they can short cut to having sex. 

There are better ways to spend limited time in SL than having sex with strangers!  Thats not to say I haven't done it, obviously.  Yesterday I came in from having afternoon tea in a conservatory in RL...(Ooo-errr!). I then met up with an SL gf in a consevatory, where we sat and had soda and chatted for a half hour. Nothing more. It was good fun! SL should be all about having fun, but some people are just here for the pick up and sex. Just how it is.

 

My husband accused me of shopping the other day..

Him:You've been on SL shopping again haven't you?!!

Me:No honey ,I swear! I was only having Sex with strangers!! You gotta believe me! \o/

 

hehehehe

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5 hours ago, KanryDrago said:

My response was entirely to the original post and sorry the way it read to me was that it was the only connection. Now I admit I did read it late at night so maybe I misunderstood. How did I however become the bad guy for making that mistake and attempting to say Whoa there men and women connect for a lot of different reasons that have nothing to do with sex. I object to being Exhibit A

I should have made it a bit more clear that I was pretty much joking there. I've talked to you inworld as well and know you're not a creep. My apologies! I was just trying to show how a man (or woman), even a man (or woman) who is NOT a creep, can misread a situation. 

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10 hours ago, Zoya McDonnagh said:
20 hours ago, Love Zhaoying said:

I find some people react in a triggered manner to “not interested”. I’m considering going with, “sorry, but I’m demisexual”.

 Tried that. Told a guy that I was demisexual and monogamous. 

 Took him about 10 minutes of googling to reply.

I used to think “Demi” meant something else, like it means “half” in “Demigod”.  

Most men can’t even spell monogamy.

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12 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

ARE there AOs for women, or at least decent ones, that aren't at least somewhat coy, or involve striking quasi-model poses? And, MORE importantly, are there any male ones that don't involve looking all broody and macho? (Oh well, at least I've never seen one that actually involved the guy flexing his biceps and pecs . . .)

I haven't found a single AO that doesn't have at least a couple of those ridiculous literally-no-one-stands-around-like-this-ever animations so instead I put together my own using the Firestorm AO. So easy to use and instead of buying entire AOs, I just buy the single animations that I like. I hate, hate, hate the ones where I'm moving around in like a 10 foot space that completely disregards anyone I may be running over when I'm just trying to stand there.

As for the male one, I won't even return an IM from any guy wearing the one that paces in circles and makes the guy look like he is  about to attack someone. I have no idea why anyone would use that. And who checks their watch that often? How many guys even wear a watch anymore?

11 hours ago, Mollymews said:

if wearing same bikini in a carp or booty parlor, then pretty much anything goes from strangers in the first instance, and best not to get upset when strangers are direct and to the point about our desirability to them and what they would like from us

There is direct and to the point, and then there is insulting and repugnant. I don't mind direct. I do mind, "b**ch, that p***y look gud, get over here and s**k my d**k." 

10 hours ago, Maryanne Solo said:

A dollop of trollop is fine if you only go to certain places where it is considered normal and that's where your friends hang. Innit? 9_9

A dollop of trollop is fine anywhere providing said trollop is comfortable trolloping where she trollops.

7 hours ago, Gadget Portal said:

Yeah but...

If you look like a duck, you're in no position to expect people to think you're a swan. 

Now, I'm not saying duck hunting is without blame, I'm just saying, if you're a swan that looks like a duck, it's probably a good idea to keep a low profile at the pond come hunting season. 

Ladies and gentleman, the REAL Exhibit A. What I expect is that ducks and swans be treated with the same amount of dignity and respect regardless of what season it is. 

4 hours ago, BelindaN said:

The approaches I get are almost always the same no matter what I'm wearing or where I am.

THIS. When it comes right down to it, people who are jerks are going to be jerks no matter what a person is wearing. I get hit on more when I'm wearing sweats in SL than I do when I'm wearing nothing but a thong and cupless bra. But I like wearing thongs and cupless bras.

If I'm looking to pick up a guy for sexy time, doesn't it make sense then that I go out dressed more like a "normal" person? And that when I'm dressed all "sl*tty" I'm dressed for me, and not to pick up guys?

4 hours ago, BelindaN said:

There are better ways to spend limited time in SL than having sex with strangers!  Thats not to say I haven't done it, obviously.  Yesterday I came in from having afternoon tea in a conservatory in RL...(Ooo-errr!). I then met up with an SL gf in a consevatory, where we sat and had soda and chatted for a half hour. Nothing more. It was good fun! SL should be all about having fun, but some people are just here for the pick up and sex. Just how it is.

SL should be all about fun, yes. For those people who are just here for the pick up and sex, that is their fun. What constitutes fun is different for all of us, and that doesn't mean that anyone's own definition of it is better or worse than anyone else's. There may be better ways for you to spend limited time in SL than having sex with strangers, but that's not the same for everyone. 

Also, Scylla, thanks for starting this topic! I love good open discussions like this!

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23 minutes ago, Beth Macbain said:

There is direct and to the point, and then there is insulting and repugnant. I don't mind direct. I do mind, "b**ch, that p***y look gud, get over here and s**k my d**k."

there is quite a number of ways to respond to people like this, other than block/ignore

depending on what my mood is then some things I chat back:

- how does that approach work out for you ? On a scale from 0 to zero ?

- you will at least be able to imagine that... like forever

- just so you know, I re-rendered your clothes

- Romeo !!! oh! wait. thats not you

- you will get a way more passionate response from a AFK doll than I could ever give


😽

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4 minutes ago, Akane Nacht said:

I just say "No thanks, bro. "

For some reason that works like a charm..

that works good as well

i can be pretty cheeky tho and just say whatever comes into my head at the moment.

and on some occasion after I do give it back to them, they say: sorry about that, that wasn't my best effort was it. And i go: no not really, what else you got

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