Jump to content
Sevenrider

SL Boundaries?

Recommended Posts

I am sure this is a question as old as SL itself but here goes. My real life partner recently joined SL. We of course discussed boundaries and all that, etc. For the most part, I don't care if he has flings and whatnot. SL is to be enjoyed after all.  However, he has recently started hiding his online status from me. I have also found out that he has developed friendships/relationships with a few people. I found that he started posting to a dormant tumblr account and is following/being followed by one of these people. I also found a flickr account (that he has not mentioned to me) with pics of his exploits. At least one of his other friends is also following him on this account. I am not sure what to do at this point?  We have already had several discussions about this and he assures me he is not doing anything outside of our boundaries. I know a lot of people in SL have flickr accounts. But do most people use them to post pics of their exploits? And then not tell their partners about them? Either their SL or RL partners? Is there even a distinction? I do not fear that he will leave me for anyone in SL, even though I know that has happened in some cases. What I can't stomach is the dishonesty and/or lack of full disclosure. I do not want him to quit SL but I also do not want to feel like there are things going on behind my back. For clarity, I don't take issue so much with the relationships but the breaching outside of SL. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You seem pretty clearly to be bothered by him doing things you'd both (or at least YOU thought you'd both) agreed would be out of bounds. I think most people would be. I don't really know what else you can do but confront him directly with all this (which of course would mean you admitting to doing some snooping around) and seeing what happens. Not fun stuff, but maybe that's what is  needed.

Good luck.

  • Like 9
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It does sound like a touchy situation if you did discuss boundaries initially, and if he says he's not going past the boundaries that were set - and it does sound like his behavior (particularly about hiding activities) is bothering you. 

Perhaps a discussion about clarifying or redefining the boundaries might be in order, in light of his trying to hide his online status from you (for starters).

Many SL users do use Flickr to record their experiences in SL, so that in itself isn't strange (though I'm not sure what exactly you mean by "exploits").  

I think that there are RL couples where both do use SL and have flings and/or other relationships without it causing problems with their RL relationship, but I don't know if all couples can pull that off.  (I wouldn't be able to, which is why I don't do 'flings' in SL - or anything that might lead to someone thinking there is a relationship).  It might be that the two of you have some different understandings about relationships and transparency, and discovering and discussing that might turn out to be a good thing in the long run.

  • Like 6
  • Thanks 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, some people do use Flickr solely to show off their sexual exploits.

The only thing you can do is talk to him about it and what you’re unhappy about. It could be he’s into something he doesn’t want you to see or be privy to. The only way you’re going to find out is to ask though

The next part is a question for you. Do you guys live together or in close proximity? Or is this a long distance kind of thing?

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Sevenrider said:

We have already had several discussions about this and he assures me he is not doing anything outside of our boundaries.

Assuming you've been very open in your discussions, and if he claims he is doing nothing wrong, then has he stated why he remains to act in secrecy? One would assume that he would be more open about his endeavors if he has nothing to be worried about. But that is just my personal take. 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, janetosilio said:

The next part is a question for you. Do you guys live together or in close proximity? Or is this a long distance kind of thing?

We live together in real life, but sometimes are online in different rooms, doing our own thing, which makes the hiding even more absurd, I know.

 

 

  • Haha 2
  • Confused 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i truly hope things go well for you two i been in sl for years and i should have left it long ago i thought me and my rl wife had a understanding and she started to act odd hide things not want me in the room when she was on sl and a year later she left me for someone that she said was just a sl crush these things can be touchy subjects and sl itself can ruin or make lives wonderful if your not careful best two both of you

  • Like 2
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SL users are so diverse, it's pretty hard to say what is a "norm". We're each guided by our own motives and morals. If the situation is bothering you, talk to your partner about it. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Sevenrider said:

We live together in real life, but sometimes are online in different rooms, doing our own thing, which makes the hiding even more absurd, I know

it's not only absurd, but a sign there's something seriously wrong in your relationship. Save it as long it's possible and quit SL: both.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You have a dilemma here - you are not trusting your RL partner when he is hiding something from you. Turning a blind eye on this habit is as wrong as investigating what he is hiding - choose your doom.

Edited by Fionalein
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As someone with an open, Poly relationship ....

It sounds to me like another discussion is in order. If he refuses or insists nothing is wrong still .... That's a Red Flag ... Though from the sounds of it several have already been raised.

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is possible that he is experimenting with some aspects of his sexuality or identity that he is currently not yet ready to open up about. Maybe he has some BDSM curiosities and thinks that you might judge him harshly or something.  Maybe he has some bi-sexuality feelings that he wants to explore.  Maybe he's exploring....... - you get the idea.

I recommend talking with him about the 'hiding', but doing so in a way to assure him that you aren't going to judge his activities as long as they fit without your stated boundaries (assuming that such a statement is true).  If he is experimenting with things that he's just not yet ready to share, you don't necessarily want to push him away or shame him.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On one hand. You're not exactly respecting his boundaries either by snooping around like that.  From an outside perpesctive by a poly person. You really need to sit down and properly disscuss whar is and isn't on the table, starting by apologising for invading his privacy and then asking why he is hiding his online status even though you can easily see that he is in fact online.

Also while SL is to be enjoyed, you do got to realise that the avatars have real people behind them. So really ask yourself and your boyfriend: Are you both comfortable with an open/polyarmous realtionship. Even if it exists only on SL, its not lesser. It's as real as any other realtionship. 

 

Really talk about this, because it sounds like there's allot of crossed wires and that you might be as comfortable as you assumed, while he needs to be more open 

  • Like 7
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What a good discussion topic.  My two cents:  Early on, some RL couples want to share everything, to the point of going to the bathroom with the door open and things like that.  A super high level of openness is not practical for many couples. Do you really want to be told that your partner likes the body of one of your friends?  That is may be a mess if you try to force confessions of every stray thought.   I found it necessary to accept that some things are best kept private, or at least between the person and God.  In particular the fantasy sex life often continues for at least one member of the couple.  This is not unusual.  It is usually a mistake to force the partner to reveal all the details about what goes on in their fantasies.  They may feel humiliated or freakish, or else that they need to lie in order to maintain your approval, which is the opposite of the openness and honesty you seek. My advice is to allow your RL partner to maintain some things absolutely private.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/8/2018 at 6:21 AM, Sevenrider said:

Thank you. It's great to hear advice/critique from someone who is poly.

Regardless of whether or not the relationship is mono or poly, this is something that needs to be discussed between the two of you. All relationships have one prerequisite. They must be based on trust. Your trust in him is being undermined by his actions and he needs to be aware of that. If he does nothing to relieve your doubts, then you may need to reconsider the relationship.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will be honest, I have never known an RL couple who both used SL for adult interaction who did well out of it. They always swore in the beginning that it was just fantasy, they were open with each other, they had boundaries set, it was healthy and fun etc etc...and in every single case I ever knew, it always went to pot. Every couple I knew either fell apart in RL, or hit a crisis point where they had to come off SL to try to save their relationship. Never saw any good come of it.

I realise that just because I never saw it doesn't mean it's never happened, but my God I saw this again and again and again, when I was friends with a lot of RL couples, and there was not one exception. The fact that we have to have this discussion over and over again (as you say, it's a tale as old as SL itself) is proof of how overwhelmingly likely it is to occur. SL relationships are addictive and intense precisely because they do not function as RL ones do, and they make it harder for people to be happy with their RL relationship, which is inevitably going to involve mundane things like laundry and household budgets and cleaning and looking rough in the morning. Plus a lot of people found that they got so addicted to the cybersex, they couldn't actually get turned on by a real live warm body any more. It had to be digital.

If you really want to work on your relationship, I don't think SL is the place to do it. You say you want full disclosure, but not having to give full disclosure is the entire point of SL. It would be a very very different place if we had to have our RL names and faces plastered all over our avs to go inworld. 


 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

whatever the reason may be, if the trust isn't there, you should not be putting yourselfs in a position that depends on trust, in SL or RL. I agree with everyone here, pull back and work on your relationship, SL will still be here. I will add this two cents though, SL doesn't make people dishonest, it is just an easy platform to do it in if they are.

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope it works out for you. If you both value your relationship over the SL experience, then it will work out. The couples I knew who survived did it because they both valued the real relationship over the SL ones. So they both came off SL and worked on it. 

If it doesn't work out for you both, it was not meant to be. There'll be someone you suit better.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should tell him how you exactly feel.  Maybe write him what you mentioned here.

Ask him if he is active in adult sims with new found friends.  Tell him how far is you comfortable with.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

More comments from someone who is part of a RL couple who are poly only in SL.

We have three rules for SL - 1) no partnering with someone else, never let a person in SL become more important than our RL partner, 3) do not hide what we are doing.

The third one could be wishful thinking on my part, but he finally understands that I am not bothered when I know he is pixel bumping with someone.  What makes me upset is when I think he is hiding something.  It helps to be open and accepting and not critical about what he may be doing.  I joined SL so I could learn more and it has helped us to become closer because now he is not hiding part of himself from me.  And I understand more about SL and it's appeal!

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...