How do introverts make friends in SL ?

[Coffee Pancake]

Seeing as the discussion of friend finding technique is literally the purpose of this forum now .. I have to ask, how do people manage it, because seriously, I've got nothing.

In 12 years .. the people I know have all been by accident. Mostly acquaintances of acquaintances who wandered off (as extroverts seem prone to do) and left us standing about feeling awkward.

[LittleMe Jewell]

Almost everyone on my Friends list came from the inworld Forum Cartel group and Hangout location.  Back in 2007 when I discovered SL, I discovered the forums at roughly the same time.  Shortly after that discovery, there was a group of forum folks that were wanting to create an inworld location for meeting and hanging out together.  Despite my loner nature, I got brave and went to the initial meetings, hanging way out on the fringes at first.  After the Hangout was built, I made myself go there every day and talk to at least one person. I then got super brave and volunteered to help host the first New Year's Eve party - which forced me to greet everyone that arrived and talk to them.  Somehow, through all of that, I managed to start feeling comfortable with some of the people and started spending more of my inworld time there.  Eventually, they became my SL family, so to speak.  I don't hang out there as much as I used to - the place isn't as active as it was back before my long break from SL.  

As anyone will tell you though, I am not one for single conversations, thus I almost never IM anyone on my friends list - usually only talking to them when we are at the Hangout.  I still have a very hard time with initiating conversations.

[Garnet Psaltery]

It isn't easy.  I'm not even sure what people regard as a friend in SL.  For me it's someone who likes me, has something in common with me, is trustworthy, and knows sometimes I like to be quiet.  I found mine mostly from being in a community or common cause but some from chance encounters.  I never found a true friend just by being at a dance, and instant offers of friendship just puzzle me.  The slow appreciation from group chatting seems to work.  Other than that ... well, if I get brave enough to visit the Forum hangout I might see you there

[Coffee Pancake]

Hangouts tend to be deserted ... or worse, packed with ghosts. Iono, maybe it's just me but standing about in silence in a crowd kinda weirds me out, so does standing about with a group of silent people who appear to know each other very well. I'm never going to be the one who slides into a random strangers IMs with "Hi, how are you?" or some shorthand variation.

I'm still not sure what the correct response to that question is. It seems to end in silence as either I'm supposed to share my life story or send nudes.

Edited August 29, 2018 by CoffeeDujour

[Rhonda Huntress]

48 minutes ago, CoffeeDujour said:

How do introverts make friends in SL ?

With Corrade currently.  Animesh in the future.

[Clover Jinx]

I strapped myself to an SL extrovert and hung on for dear life.

 

[MoiraKathleen]

2 minutes ago, Clover Jinx said:

I strapped myself to an SL extrovert and hung on for dear life.

 

That's basically what I did in RL

[Ivanova Shostakovich]

   Introverts do it in brief, repeated excursions.

[Orwar]

One never finds what one is looking for. Look for friends, and you'll exhaust yourself processing strangers who do not suffice. Look for a partner, and you'll end up feeling like no one could ever want you, that you are worthless, and that everything is pointless.

Look for the ultimate Steampunk goggles, and you'll find yourself spirited away by a bunch of quirky but lovable people taking you on for a ride to the moon in a hot air balloon. 

[LittleMe Jewell]

58 minutes ago, Garnet Psaltery said:

if I get brave enough to visit the Forum hangout I might see you there

I will say that the place is not near as active as it was in the first few years (similar to many places in SL), thus it is often empty.  We do still have the occasional planned party though and sometimes you'll find a random gathering happening there on a Friday evening.

For those that don't know the place and are considering popping over, the folks there do talk in general chat, with some conversation also going on in the group chat - IMs being reserved for those special conversations people truly want to keep private.  There is actually a HUD that Gadget created that will tell you if anyone is at the Hangout.  You can get it via the MP (search Forum Cartel) and I've been meaning to drop a box at the Hangout itself.

Additionally, if you want to just get a feel for some of the folks, there is an inworld group where you can lurk and listen to group chit chat -- though that also happens at random times.

[Dillon Levenque]

What the heck IS an introvert, anyway?

Seeking a precise definition I googled and found a definition from a website called "Psychology Today". The woman who wrote it is a PhD, in what I don't know. Now I'm even more confused than I was. I started out grading high for introvert but finished at the other side of the scale.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert

1. True without a shadow of a doubt. As written it's an understatement.

2. True, and even more of an understatement. I can't count the number of times I've resolved work problems during the solitary drive home from work; I started taking the long way home as a matter of course probably because of that.

3. Not sure, but sounds about right given that I expect people to be "self-starters".

4. Quite true. In class I would just sit and review answers to tests often, waiting for someone else to be the first to finish.

5. Not sure, but my belief is that the opposite applies for me. I LIKE stating my opinion, usually unbidden.

6. Absolutely not; this is as far from something I'd do as it's possible to be.

7. I've never considered this aspect. It may very well be true for me; I just am not introspective enough to know.

8. Probably true; the opposite would certainly be false.

9. False, as I understand it. I very much enjoy talking to the people from whom I buy my groceries and other things, and with anyone else in line who wants to join in.

 

[LittleMe Jewell]

34 minutes ago, moirakathleen said:

38 minutes ago, Clover Jinx said:

I strapped myself to an SL extrovert and hung on for dear life.

That's basically what I did in RL

Hahaha, me too - in RL that is.

[Orwar]

3 minutes ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

Hahaha, me too - in RL that is.

Same - but my extrovert has gone AWOL. So... SL.

[Akasha Sternberg]

46 minutes ago, Clover Jinx said:

I strapped myself to an SL extrovert and hung on for dear life.

 

hm that sounds like a good idea...

16 minutes ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

I will say that the place is not near as active as it was in the first few years (similar to many places in SL), thus it is often empty.  We do still have the occasional planned party though and sometimes you'll find a random gathering happening there on a Friday evening.

For those that don't know the place and are considering popping over, the folks there do talk in general chat, with some conversation also going on in the group chat - IMs being reserved for those special conversations people truly want to keep private.  There is actually a HUD that Gadget created that will tell you if anyone is at the Hangout.  You can get it via the MP (search Forum Cartel) and I've been meaning to drop a box at the Hangout itself.

Additionally, if you want to just get a feel for some of the folks, there is an inworld group where you can lurk and listen to group chit chat -- though that also happens at random times.

That´s what I wanted to say... yeah..

GroupChats are a thing, too @Garnet Psaltery

[Clover Jinx]

9 minutes ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

Hahaha, me too - in RL that is.

Yes I did both, because I am 9/9 on Dillon's list.

Not so much headphones, but I have learned how to be invisible when I want to be.

 

[LittleMe Jewell]

15 minutes ago, Dillon Levenque said:

What the heck IS an introvert, anyway?

Seeking a precise definition I googled and found a definition from a website called "Psychology Today". The woman who wrote it is a PhD, in what I don't know. Now I'm even more confused than I was. I started out grading high for introvert but finished at the other side of the scale.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert

1. True without a shadow of a doubt. As written it's an understatement.

2. True, and even more of an understatement. I can't count the number of times I've resolved work problems during the solitary drive home from work; I started taking the long way home as a matter of course probably because of that.

3. Not sure, but sounds about right given that I expect people to be "self-starters".

4. Quite true. In class I would just sit and review answers to tests often, waiting for someone else to be the first to finish.

5. Not sure, but my belief is that the opposite applies for me. I LIKE stating my opinion, usually unbidden.

6. Absolutely not; this is as far from something I'd do as it's possible to be.

7. I've never considered this aspect. It may very well be true for me; I just am not introspective enough to know.

8. Probably true; the opposite would certainly be false.

9. False, as I understand it. I very much enjoy talking to the people from whom I buy my groceries and other things, and with anyone else in line who wants to join in.

 

Interesting.

For me, # 1, 2, 4, 7, and 9 would be 'always',  #3 is same as you, #5 would be 'seldom', #6 definitely a "never".  For #8 - I pretty much never receive calls, texts, or emails from people outside of my immediate family, but I also don't send any.

I've always felt the introverts were those that can do social situations (though it might be difficult), but they get worn out from them - they "truly need" alone time to recharge. 

Whereas I have met some extroverts that are simply shy in new surroundings, but come fully out of their shell once they warm to the crowd a bit - regardless of where they are or how big the crowd is.  Even if a bit shy at first, they truly need the crowd to be energized.

Edited August 29, 2018 by LittleMe Jewell

[Coffee Pancake]

#3 .. Yes I expect people to be self-starters. If someone messages me, I expect them to have a reason beyond a poke, or at least to say more than "hi".

#6 I wear headphones a lot, even if I'm not listening to anything.

#9 I like small talk, but I'm not going to intrude.

[Rhonda Huntress]

1. Time alone:  Yes.
2. Best thinking alone:  Not always; I often need a sounding board.
3. Lead self-starters:  They don't need leading, just pointing in the right direction.  Sheep, on the other hand, can be lead easily because they want to follow.  Lazy people are ... well, I can't say much because I am lazy so .. just need to work around them.  I prefer leading sheep.
4. Last to volunteer: True.  Because no good deed goes unpunished.
5. Others ask my opinion:  Not sure, what do you think, Clover? ((not really; they ask for advise and not opinions))
6. Wear headphones in public: Never.
7. Do not engage angry people: True.  They can't think while angry so what's the point?
8. Receive more calls than I make: very, very true.
9. You don’t initiate small talk with salespeople or others with whom you have casual contact:  Maybe?  I like little non-sexual flirts just to see if they smile but if I'm in a hurry I don't even bother with eye contact.

So 1, 4, 7, 8.  4/9

 

[Alyona Su]

How do i do it? I do not come in-world actively seeking anything at all. I go and find my own fun (sailing, train-riding, flying, diving, sim-hopping, ogling at nudie bea... er... I do stuff.) But here's the funny thing: I am way too shy to initiate an IM to anyone, but I always get compliments on this Pick, which I've had in my Picks for years:

Am I Wallflower?

The Leviathan Skeleton, Ahab's Haunt (116.317,142.511,22.833)

Myths about Introverts:

Introverts don’t like to talk. 
Untrue. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. Small talk isn't their thing. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in and they won’t shut up for days.

Introverts are shy. 
Yes, sometimes they are shy. But moreso they need a reason. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking, they'll open right up. 

Introverts are rude. 
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not appreciated in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Introverts don’t like people. 
Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you likely have a loyal ally for life.

Edited August 29, 2018 by Alyona Su

[Alyona Su]

I did want to mention this (kind of thinking aloud here) I think, as introverts, most of us feel the hope that if we sim-hop into crowded places that aren't just full of bots at 10,000 meters up that we kinda-sorta hope some guy (or gal) will maybe notice us and things may start out with more than "Hi" (you respond, then) "How are you?" Bahahaha. But it never happens.

So I'm really trying really, really hard to work up the courage that the next time I go sim-hopping to a crowded place that is dead silent in nearby chat (because everyone is trying to hook-up by playing round-robin in IMs) I think I am going to just shout (CTRL+Enter) "Who wants me to sit in their lap so we can talk about the first thing that comes up?" Just to see if anyone actually notices.

But then I'd probably panic and hit the CTRL+SHIFT+H buttons. ?

Edited August 29, 2018 by Alyona Su

[Akasha Sternberg]

2 minutes ago, Alyona Su said:

I did want to mention this (kind of thinking aloud here) I think, as introverts, most of us feel the hope that if we sim-hop into crowded places that aren't just full of bots at 10,000 meters up that we kinda-sorta hope some guy (or gal) will maybe notice us and things may start out with more than "Hi" (you respond, then) "How are you?" Bahahaha. But it never happens.

So I'm really trying really, really hard to work up the courage that the next time I go sim-hopping to a crowded place that is dead silent in nearby chat (because everyone is trying to hook-up by playing round-robin in IMs) I think I am going to just shout (CTRL+Enter) "Who wants me to sit in their lap so we can talk about the first thing that comes up?"

But then I'd probably panic and hit the CTRL+SHIFT+H buttons. ?

I have my fingers crossed for you to have the balls you´ll need to when you need to have them

[MoiraKathleen]

I've started a response several times this morning to this thread, but ended up not posting them, so I'll try again...

I don't really have any insight or answers towards the question.  Most of the time I feel that finding someone that I feel comfortable enough with to become friends is serendipitous - it just happens.  However it happens much less in SL than it does in RL (and even there it's pretty infrequent).  I am more a 'hanging around in the back somewhere' type of person rather initiating or being heavily involved in the conversations - though I am listening.  I feel comfortable at events like the Sunday breakfast (when I am able to be inworld at that time) or events like some of the Bay City events where I recognize at least some of the other attendees, and people are there for the fun and conversation and not for hitting up on others.   I tend to stick with activities in SL that can be done as an individual or where I can be part of the crowd and enjoy the local conversation without feeling pressured to participate.  

I generally do not post much in this section of the forum, because I'm not sure that I could hold up my end.  I seldom initiate conversations with others, and need to have a balance of chatting with friends and having time alone. 

 

Edited August 30, 2018 by moirakathleen

[Ivanova Shostakovich]

   Most of my friends have come from just random chance and association, and not from any deliberate search. My first friend was someone who helped me out a lot at the orientation and welcome area in which I started, lingered, and, apparently, overstayed.

   That friend , being very keen on SL photography, later organized a massive, Spencer Tunick style photo shoot on one of the Experience Italy sims, inviting me to participate. A friend I made there, another person of quality, remains to this day. He had friends, they had friends... Since then, it's been like a branching tree, me, meeting more and more people with whom there are reciprocal interests... and when you stick, you stick.

   All of those behavioral signs are true of me. I can overcome most of them for a time, when energy, mood and circumstances warrant and permit.

[Dillon Levenque]

58 minutes ago, Alyona Su said:

How do i do it? I do not come in-world actively seeking anything at all. I go and find my own fun (sailing, train-riding, flying, diving, sim-hopping, ogling at nudie bea... er... I do stuff.) But here's the funny thing: I am way too shy to initiate an IM to anyone, but I always get compliments on this Pick, which I've had in my Picks for years:

Am I Wallflower?

The Leviathan Skeleton, Ahab's Haunt (116.317,142.511,22.833)

Myths about Introverts:

Introverts don’t like to talk. 
Untrue. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. Small talk isn't their thing. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in and they won’t shut up for days.

Introverts are shy. 
Yes, sometimes they are shy. But moreso they need a reason. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking, they'll open right up. 

Introverts are rude. 
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not appreciated in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Introverts don’t like people. 
Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you likely have a loyal ally for life.

I might have exhibited such behavior in RL (infrequently, I'm sure). I seem to recall hearing it mentioned once or twice.

[Talligurl]

RL can be so hard, they might not like something about me, my weight, or my hair, or my ears, or whatever, and what if the whole thing gets awkward, how do I escape, and maybe I will sound stupid, you can't really expect me to talk to them. What if I embarrass myself and then see this person again.

SL is to me at least so much easier, I have control over how I look, and I can check my words for stupidity before I hit send, and if it does get awkward, oh I need to TP to a friend who needs me, or if really bad, I have an emergency in RL I gotta log.