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Derekmate

Give up or what ?

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The thing is my friend list is empty and I' ok with that bc I' not really good with ppl. Generally I have just one special person on that list, ho I want to amaze every day. But it 's empty for a month or so. When I realized that she is having a great time with her alt until I'm waiting for her like a f.....g dog in the rain. 

And all the previous attempts went down in a $h.t storm.  

So in this moment I have an urge to find somebody and in the next second I remember all what's happened and I give up go back to my shell. 

 

(And pleas don't give me this wait and the real one will find you. Nobody is talking to me sometimes for weeks. )

Edited by Derekmate
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3 hours ago, Derekmate said:

And pleas don't give me this wait and the real one will find you. Nobody is talking to me sometimes for weeks.

Derekmate not going to give you any sage advice on how to find friends or possible love in SL.  Like in RL, finding true friends and love can be hard and yes sometimes painful.  The thing I found in SL is to be yourself, try to put down some roots somewhere (anywhere) and do not be afraid to IM someone first to be friendly.  When you least expect it friendships will develop and that is the great part of SL.  The kinda yucky part is when those people leave SL or move on (it happens) so you cannot just expect it to last forever (just enjoy the ride while you can).

 

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You don't find love by looking for a lover. You find love by looking for a friend.

Join some groups, attend events (and not just clubs/dancing, I mean special interest groups, discussions groups, or groups that do some sort of activity like a sport or role-play or charity campaigning or something like that). Become an established member of your chosen community. Friendships will follow naturally, and love develops naturally out of friendship, with a compatible friend.

A lover will find you some day, but you need to belong to a community first, for them to find you.

If you purposefully seek love, it will elude you for ever.

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Sorry this happened to you... :(  It hurts and nothing we say will make that go away. I think the advice of the people before me was pretty spot on. You say you are not good with people but I bet you have some good things to share, and good qualities and talents. Sometimes just making a friend or two can be the start of something more, and even better you might just make a good friend too. Good luck :)

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In addition to the above..

Sharing yourself as a human being lets groups of friends and people in general get to know you and how you conduct yourself socially. Friends can often be just the person to introduce or recommend you to someone else..but only through what they know of you and your manners etc

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The best way to attract other people is using humor.

Humor beats a hawt mesh avatar, clever pickup lines or spending a ton of L$ on clothes, hair, tats and ‘attachments”

Most people (women) have a much better reaction to someone who can lead them to a smile than someone who goes right for lust or some other emotion (sympathy might be achievable and also might get you Friendzoned).

When I was single “pretty” was a dime-a-dozen in SL, but funny got conversation beyond “hi”.

Just a thought!

giphy.gif

 

Edited by AmandaKeen
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22 hours ago, Derekmate said:

Nobody is talking to me sometimes for weeks. )

That sums up your problem. You think other people are supposed to be talking to you, trying to be your friend. 

If you want a friend, be one. 

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1 hour ago, Pamela Galli said:

That sums up your problem. You think other people are supposed to be talking to you, trying to be your friend. 

If you want a friend, be one. 

Must be great thing to be a clairvoyant. Can you tell me the next week lottery numbers if you can judge me from one sentence?

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1 hour ago, Derekmate said:

Must be great thing to be a clairvoyant. Can you tell me the next week lottery numbers if you can judge me from one sentence?

And from that one sentence it is clear that for you, the ball is always in someone else’s court. And from your response here, it will continue to be.

If you don’t want feedback, don’t ask for it in a public forum.

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20 hours ago, Matty Luminos said:

You don't find love by looking for a lover. You find love by looking for a friend.

Join some groups, attend events (and not just clubs/dancing, I mean special interest groups, discussions groups, or groups that do some sort of activity like a sport or role-play or charity campaigning or something like that). Become an established member of your chosen community. Friendships will follow naturally, and love develops naturally out of friendship, with a compatible friend.

A lover will find you some day, but you need to belong to a community first, for them to find you.

If you purposefully seek love, it will elude you for ever.

This a million times!!!

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25 minutes ago, Pamela Galli said:

And from that one sentence it is clear that for you, the ball is always in someone else’s court. And from your response here, it will continue to be.

If you don’t want feedback, don’t ask for it in a public forum.

I want feedback not judging what you do. Over and over again. 

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If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

Although I don't doubt that you try to socialise with people. But... I'm making assumptions here, based on what I've seen so far from you. I apologize if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me.

You seem to base your own happiness on your relationship to others - wether or not you make friends, how often they interact with you, how they like you. And I think that's the problem. 
To find happiness with others, you need to find happiness with yourself first. The same with love. You cannot expect anyone to love you if you do not love yourself.
So what the others said is true: you need to find something you enjoy, and especially enjoy on your own, and build from there. It's a long process, and it's not allways easy.

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1 hour ago, Sukubia Scarmon said:

You seem to base your own happiness on your relationship to others - wether or not you make friends, how often they interact with you, how they like you. And I think that's the problem. 
To find happiness with others, you need to find happiness with yourself first. The same with love. You cannot expect anyone to love you if you do not love yourself.
So what the others said is true: you need to find something you enjoy, and especially enjoy on your own, and build from there. It's a long process, and it's not allways easy.

This really is excellent advice! The people I (and presumably many others) find attractive are individualised people who pursue their passions and interests outside of relationships, who have and express a sense of themselves and their views within the world, who show through their socialisation the level and understanding of empathy they have with others. To look at that list from zero (or just a lack of introspection*) may seem daunting, but seriously, take just one step, and you're on the path x

*if you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long hard look at yourself.. ;)

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11 minutes ago, LexxiXhan said:

The people I (and presumably many others) find attractive are individualised people who pursue their passions and interests outside of relationships, who have and express a sense of themselves and their views within the world, who show through their socialisation the level and understanding of empathy they have with others. To look at that list from zero (or just a lack of introspection*) may seem daunting, but seriously, take just one step, and you're on the path x

This, a million times!

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If you’re “not good with people”, be with people. One improves practicing, not dropping the ball.

If someone doesn’t want to be with you, that’s your cue to move on. Grid still has thousands of concurrent users round the clock.

Don’t measure others up to her. Oughtn’t even need to tell you that everyone is different... a whole new book to write, not just the next page in the same one that in fact got you nowhere.

Alas, don’t look for “somebody”, as in “one person, and the rest of SL doesn’t even exist”. That is STILL isolationism, which is exactly what you should start shedding off.

 

And if all this feedback isn’t what you wanted, then yes, give up, starting right here in this thread. Cos no one’s getting you off the mat if that’s where you choose to be.

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I mean it's your decision on whether you want to have fun too. Why wait on her? Have fun in her presence and have some more when she's not there. 

Focus on having fun and developing your personality and people will draw to you like a magnet, and guess what? It won't matter because you were too busy having fun!

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Oh, you already made a second thread - I haven't kept up with the forums in the past few days.

Look, not to chastise you or beat you down, but if you go about without any confidence or ability to stand on your own two feet, any 'friends' you make will exhaust themselves trying to carry you - and what do you have to offer in return? Look inwards first, only then can you apply yourself to something outside of yourself - a community - and then, you can find people who eventually may become friends.

I've seen you chatting in the Forum Cartel occasionally and not to be judgmental, but your cheap innuendos and attempts to hit on everyone isn't doing you any favors.

I'm not saying that everyone has to be able to hold intellectual, eloquent conversation, but the very last thing you want to talk about when trying to make friends or find a partner, is how you need friends or a partner, it makes you look weak, needy and downright pathetic - you could talk about how to make a bed and raise more interest, because that at least has the potential to spark a conversation or discussion. If all someone has to say is 'I need friends' or 'I'm so lonely', there is nothing to work with, nothing to engage with, and all you've generated is a socially awkward situation in which no one will have an incentive to respond favorably - unless out of pity.

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On 6/6/2018 at 8:08 PM, Matty Luminos said:

You don't find love by looking for a lover. You find love by looking for a friend.

Actually, no. While I understand "getting to know each other" (which of course will always have to be done) people that go "all in holding nothing back" is a thing. And does lead to others doing the same back. 10/10 times in my case (even if it can take time). You find love by giving love. Both sides can be scared to do it first. A lot of people don't do this because so many people have trust issues and fears/concerns. Seeing the worst of others easily. Don't blame people like that. I love people like that. Do think it sucks when someone has trust issues that stops them from being loved by others when they hide away and be hard on themselves.

You find love by making sure someone knows you matter as much as they do and be as supportive as you can towards each other. Not everyone does the friend label (me for example. It's never been an issue). Personally I see everyone as they are. As "themselves". Regardless of what labels they like to hide behind (You ARE that person that wants to be with me yet has concerns who holds back due to fear which causes distance and lack of keeping in touch due to concerns of looking after me). I treat myself the same too. "Here's me and my reasons." Communication resolves all.

And before you argue with me on this one first consider what a "friend" is. How many people are "friend zoned"? What IS a friend to you/others? Even THAT can get subjective. I myself do "loyalty" and leave it at that. Better to see "you" as "you" I think. Someone "always in flux and adapting to change you haven't thought about yet happens anyway". Since change can be scary I have to point out "This is the situation. It doesn't have to be a bad thing because it happened to happen." Before looking for love first understand how change can happen and not betray your identity.

To find love is to love others. It's a choice as much as an impulse. To be there in all things. Give it, get it. I give to get. Often I give first. "Lead by example". Had to love myself first to do so. The sad truth is many don't. I once had to be loved in order to give myself too.

 

... I'm an evil hellhound and I'm talking about love. I'm a disgrace to my species. xD

Edited by Taramafor

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