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Derekmate

Those mixed signals

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As surprising as it is I'm not really good with gals. And when I don't get clear signs I just stop. 

Like today chating to this girl how I fancy as f.... (and she know this) 

...

Me: By the way this is not a plan to get you. I have another plan for that. 

She: Good luck with that. 

Then five minute latter. 

She: Red wine should do the trick. 

?????? And what now????

Just generally stop this. 

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52 minutes ago, Derekmate said:

As surprising as it is I'm not really good with gals.

Would it help for you to know that I'm not really good with gals, either? And it's not like my trouble ends if I attract one. That's when it begins. To be fair, I don't think the sending of mixed signals is a particularly female thing, even though sowing the seeds of confusion is a favorite pastime of mine. And I'm not sure she's actually sending mixed signals. You started out with a bit of a tease and she's returning the favor.. with different comedic timing.

As Mark Twain so wisely said - To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Hang in there Derek. It wouldn't be right for the world to be deprived of your company because you need clarity from it.

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I for one only give clear signals when the answer is bugger off and leave me alone.   I am very clear on that but  for those that pique my interest I am I not going to make it easy by being clear from the start.  It's a method for seeing if they are in it for the long haul or not.  

To be clear, this is actually for any friendship.  Romantically, I made him jump through hoops for about 3 months before I gave him a clear signal to stick around and he has.  For 9 years.  It was worth it to be sure :)

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The Neko Lion glances over at beautiful lanky model and winks. Then licks his lips, and smiles. Frustrated, the lion grabs semaphore flags and waves them spelling “Yes!” ?️??

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Bored and only wanting something to toy with... or, as Cindy said, testing you; either way I’d suggest doing exactly what you said you do in absence of clear signals.

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37 minutes ago, Ren Toxx said:

Bored and only wanting something to toy with... or, as Cindy said, testing you; either way I’d suggest doing exactly what you said you do in absence of clear signals.

Adding Lonely to that. Maybe even a little desperate; perhaps someone she was interested in turned her down, had to log off or whatever and she feels unfulfilled.

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44 minutes ago, Ren Toxx said:

Bored and only wanting something to toy with... or, as Cindy said, testing you; either way I’d suggest doing exactly what you said you do in absence of clear signals.

I know that she love the attention what she get from me. Ehh birds 

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3 hours ago, Derekmate said:

She: Red wine should do the trick.

Nothing mixed about that. She's happy to continue with witty or charming discourse. Enjoy making each other laugh.

Is this SL or RL?

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2 hours ago, Derekmate said:

I know that she love the attention what she get from me.

Takes two to tango.

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2 minutes ago, Ren Toxx said:

Takes two to tango.

I thinking on a horizontal mambo more like. 

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3 hours ago, Derekmate said:

This one is rl. 

So how're you going to follow up?

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The whole “mixed signals” thing is a case of the Biological Imperative not working quite well in the modern world.

Subliminally forcing a prospective suitor to jump through some hoops is one way to unconsciously “sort the males” based on how persistent they are (how much they want the Reward) and on other characteristics that might make for a desirable playmate or mate.

Think about this; every time a female chooses a male to couple with - she is potentially taking on more of an obligation that just a casual roll in the sheets. This’s drives towards making sure you pick the best available male and often leaves the practical side of a woman’s brain at war with good old-fashioned lust.

She may want “servicing” at that particular moment - but is that practical?

Its amazing the signals are not more complicated than they are..........

This helps your delimma not at all, unless some insight into why things *are* the way they are helps you work on your game-plan.....

giphy.gif

Edited by AmandaKeen

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Footnote - Don’t be That Guy

A couple of decades ago I had a co-worker who believed he was a gift directly from Almighty God to women. His “lead-in” usually includes the fact that he had been “fixed” and could not get anyone pregnant.

He was kind of an odious guy and his “line” just came out creepy. You immediately thought; “Yeah, As IF!”

He also didn’t take it well when asked; “Fixed? Did your wife do that to you?”

Please don’t be that guy.....

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1 hour ago, AmandaKeen said:

His “lead-in” usually includes the fact that he had been “fixed” and could not get anyone pregnant.

Not fixed enough....  :ph34r:
bloody_knife_.png

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I'm not good with people in general, but especially when you're interested in someone and you evaluate everything they say very carefully you'll find several ways of interpreting what they're saying to you.

To be blunt, though; if you can't communicate with a person on a level which both of you are comfortable with, it's probably not going to flourish into a healthy relationship. I've been with several people who were willfully cryptic to 'test' me - all of them, in the end, turned out to be insecure about themselves, and unable to maintain a stable relationship with anyone. People who are confident in themselves don't toy with others, unless they're social sadists. 

If all you want is to do the 'horizontal mamba', just go for it. Nothing to lose. Life is too short for what-if's and regrets; we're all born to wither, suffer and die - all we can do is make the most out of it whilst it lasts.

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19 hours ago, Orwar said:

People who are confident in themselves don't toy with others, unless they're social sadists. 

It's called "BDSM" and "Coping in your own ways". If I mute for a week and wait for "the right time" it's for my mental health. I've had owners who have self doubted, hated themselves and been insecure which have kept me safe, sane and happy. Which I have made feel braver and more confidant about themselves by leading by example and asking the right questions. Got a sub to be less shy once too.

... We've been really happy together. Being blunt, it DOES work. If you don't care enough to be there in "unstable times" then that's on you. Accept the worst of others. Because there will be a time when that is us at some point. It sounds to me like you let your fear of not being good with other people drive you away from them. Which is actually a concern I once had to be honest. It's also the most common concern of many many others. That "They're not good enough". It would be foolish to pretend people don't have good reason to have trust issues and be social with this in mind. The key thing I do is cover "Blunt honesty and don't be too nice to me" first and foremost (it's a "talk" I have). "toying" is one thing. Lies and secrets are quite another. That said there is also such a thing as "blind trust". Even something like "breaking" can go well as long as things are kept honest.

Edited by Taramafor
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On 05/06/2018 at 3:17 PM, Cindy Evanier said:

... for those that pique my interest I am I not going to make it easy by being clear from the start.  It's a method for seeing if they are in it for the long haul or not.  

Now, see, I would interpret that as "bugger off and leave me alone"... and I'd do just that. If a woman wants to play games to "test" me, it's going to go way over my head and I'll simply assume she's not in the slightest bit interested in me.  

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3 minutes ago, Taramafor said:

It's called "BDSM" and "Coping in your own ways"

This has nothing to do with BDSM, and being blunt once more - what you're describing is not 'proper BDSM' either. I've dealt with so many people who log onto SL and think that kinky sex and doing as one pleases is BDSM - and yes, sometimes that's what people want, and that's fine. 

A D/s relationship should be based on trust and communication. That's what we're theorizing is missing for the OP, not just in a sexual relationship but with people in general; and I'm sorry to say that it's the kind of mindless, my-way whining like yours that makes one want to distance oneself from the BDSM scene in SL.

Mental health is yet another topic in of itself, but I'm not a licensed physician and I will not presume the OP's state is the result of mental health issues - even if I do understand the desire to do so, because it's easy to say that 'ah, this person is socially awkward - depressed people often are, so, all socially awkward individuals are mentally ill'. It's what we call a logical fallacy of rhetoric.

Lacking self confidence is not a mental illness, it may be a symptom in many cases, but BDSM certainly isn't the cure for mental illness. He needs to find strength and confidence in himself - or, sure, go the route of finding a Dom/me who'll nurture him; but with the amount of mindless morons calling themselves masters, mistresses, doms and dommes in SL that's like telling a starving person that they can get a hot meal and point them into a mine field.

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Making it about "Proper" is a bad approach to any topic.

But yes, more D/s. That said it's not for you to decide what's "proper" for me or not. Personally I don't even do scenes at all. What works in scenes for others works in D/s for me. Trust and communication is a factor of course but so is SILENCE and IN YOUR OWN TIME. RESPECT that. Some people make the mistake of trying to "force" it (or worse, ditch others for not opening up "soon enough"). Even understanding people like me make mistakes like not pressuring others to reveal things (sometimes works. Sometimes backfires). if we lose sight of that we put the people we care about in danger. Along with ourselves. Furthermore I take insult to being called "whining about my way". I matter too. I never once said it's "the right way" when you went on about what's "proper". You're also letting me affect your viewpoint of BDSM itself and seeing the worst of it instead of focusing on ME and how I am affecting you. That isn't "BDSM". This is me talking to you as a person and a human being. See me as a bad person? There's one in knitting, sports, bars, right out there in the public street. Don't use BDSM as an excuse. It's insulting and demeaning to everyone else into it. See the worst of others that are into BDSM and distance yourself from it and that's on you, not me. I will NOT be held reasonable for how you view things.

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Mental health is yet another topic in of itself, but I'm not a licensed physician

You don't have to be, that's just it. There's some simple every day common logic that so often gets overlooked. That just happens to keep others safe and even happy in practically any situation.  Many act like they're good at it. Few genially are. So many people think it has to be "left to the professionals". No wonder mental issues are on the rise. Care enough to do it yourself as long as you trust your own abilities in a tense situation. Things like "Never decide what's right/wrong for others" (hence why I'm taking so much issue with "proper") and "Reassure someone they always have a choice if they say they don't" (this would be why I touch on BDSM. Things like breaking and mind*****ing can be exceptions to the rule. In BDSM and D/s alike. But you didn't consider that did you?). Some people say it's unrealistic to keep "everyone" in mind. I say some things affect everyone and it won't kill you to keep that in mind.

 

Mental stability and instability revolves around EVERYTHING we do. now obviously I try not to even bring up "mental illness" myself, but I do consider it important to keep in mind that we're always affecting others with our actions and inactions.

 

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Lacking self confidence is not a mental illness

It is if it makes you insane. There are REASONS people lack confidence. Of which can be a number of things. If someone isolates themselves thinking they're a danger/threat to everyone then know... I been there myself. It's not pretty. I've seen others lose their minds from it too. If you feel like ***** you're going to "feel like *****". And that takes a toll on the mind.

Edited by Taramafor

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If  you don't know  for sure what you want,  you will send mixed signals, the brain is jumping back between yes and no, and whatever state the brain is  in when the signal is sent will effect the signal. So mixed signals, you are going to convince her of one side or the other, just be sure you convince her to think what you think.

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Generally, any “testing” isn’t willfully planned :-)

RL Humanz of both genders might have some biological hard-coding that sometimes works against them.

There are some interesting studies that have cropped up over the years (probably updated by conflicting studies which were then up dated by studies conflicting with THEM) about human sexual messaging. Some seem to purport that some female -desire- shifts its object based on the state of her monthly cycle. -That- might cause some confusion if it panned out as true....

”I only like them dumb and hunky for five days a month....otherwise I prefer smarties”

Personally, I prefer to believe that we are all in control of our actions and our intellect can curb any biological built-in stuff.......

giphy.gif

Edited by AmandaKeen
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11 minutes ago, AmandaKeen said:

Personally, I prefer to believe that we are all in control of our actions and our intellect can curb any biological built-in stuff.......

I'd like to believe that, too. But the older and wiser(?) I get, the harder that is to do.

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Just now, Madelaine McMasters said:

I'd like to believe that, too. But the older and wiser(?) I get, the harder that is to do.

Me too!

I’d also like to blame some of my (younger days)  “less-than-intellectual” relationship moves on “biology made me do it” - but as I can’t have it both ways I’ll have to play the “I was acting like a heifer” card and own it.

Its amazing the chaos you can cause when you don’t realize that you are still figuring out your sexuality, are suffering massive conflicting  lusts and work in an organization that is really persnickety about sex-stuff.

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