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Not that I have much experience..*coughs*

But guys often disappear mid conversation......or stay silent for long periods.

I assumed it was something else..... ;)

 

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6 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

So, is this a thing that happens a lot? I've always had male friends in SL, and I don't ever recall being "hidden" because it would be potentially "compromising" to be seen just talking to me.

Apart from finding this a bit hilarious, and feeling a bit empowered because I've apparently suddenly become the "dangerous other woman" without doing a damn thing to earn my new position as femme fatale, I had what is, I suppose, a kind of odd response, at least the first time it happened.

As a student of women's issues, you should be aware of the fact that some women are extremely territorial about their men.  It's not rational -- or at least not always rational -- but it's quite real.  Women generally have less power than men in most corners of RL, but they value their power to attract and hold onto the men in their lives.  That's where women are most likely to come in conflict as they wield their power against real or potential threats.  You don't need to be a real femme fatale to trigger a sharp reaction.  Just cross an insecure wife or an injured one and jump back fast.

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3 hours ago, Rolig Loon said:

As a student of women's issues, you should be aware of the fact that some women are extremely territorial about their men.  It's not rational -- or at least not always rational -- but it's quite real.  Women generally have less power than men in most corners of RL, but they value their power to attract and hold onto the men in their lives.  That's where women are most likely to come in conflict as they wield their power against real or potential threats.  You don't need to be a real femme fatale to trigger a sharp reaction.  Just cross an insecure wife or an injured one and jump back fast.

It's a nice point you make here Rolig. Generally, I think you're right: it particularly applies, as I think you are suggesting, when women may feel disempowered or at a disadvantage in a relationship (for financial or social reasons, say, or even sexual ones). In that kind of context, jealousy and possessiveness can become an irrational substitute for other kinds of more real power that women feel they've been denied.

On the other hand, though, what interested me most about these two instances is precisely that the women, the wives, were left out of the equation entirely. I don't know that either wife was possessive or jealous, because it was never put to the test: the fact that I was talking to their husbands was hidden from them. Maybe each of my male friends knew his wife well enough to be able to judge confidently that they would have been jealous? Maybe not.

So to some degree, the real point here is that hiding the screen, and the fact that I was talking to their husbands, was another way of actually disempowering them. It took away their opportunity to react because of the assumption that they would have responded badly. They were, apparently, not trusted to be "rational" about what was going on -- the default view implied by their husbands' actions was, in fact, that they weren't capable of that.

That's actually one of the reasons why I thought it would be both interesting and maybe constructive to have had an opportunity to actually speak to them. Maybe, were they actually the beneficiaries of their husbands' trust and faith in their ability to be rational, they might well have proven to be just that.

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5 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

On the other hand, though, what interested me most about these two instances is precisely that the women, the wives, were left out of the equation entirely. I don't know that either wife was possessive or jealous, because it was never put to the test: the fact that I was talking to their husbands was hidden from them. Maybe each of my male friends knew his wife well enough to be able to judge confidently that they would have been jealous? Maybe not.

So to some degree, the real point here is that hiding the screen, and the fact that I was talking to their husbands, was another way of actually disempowering them. It took away their opportunity to react because of the assumption that they would have responded badly. They were, apparently, not trusted to be "rational" about what was going on -- the default view implied by their husbands' actions was, in fact, that they weren't capable of that.

There's a variation of Hanlon's Razor that reads "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by laziness". 

Second Life is weird. Attitudes towards intimacy and dating on this platform are extremely weird. Trying to explain all of that to someone with no experience of these things makes you sound borderline insane; or even worse, can sound like a breach of trust that could destroy a relationship. Especially when such an explanation is framed with a "oh, and I've been doing this for the last three years of our marriage". 

I don't necessarily agree with it, but I can certainly understand anyone who decides to avoid the potential conflict by simply keeping things quiet.

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8 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

So to some degree, the real point here is that hiding the screen, and the fact that I was talking to their husbands, was another way of actually disempowering them. It took away their opportunity to react because of the assumption that they would have responded badly. They were, apparently, not trusted to be "rational" about what was going on -- the default view implied by their husbands' actions was, in fact, that they weren't capable of that.

This is a very good point. It also leads to the sort of reductio ad absurdem situation that has produced many slapstick comedy sketches over the years. The woman, exercising her power to hold on to her husband, acts defensive when he looks at another woman.  The husband responds by keeping his wayward glances furtive, thus controlling his wife's access to what he is doing. She then suspects that he is hiding something and starts prying.  He responds to her prying by being even more guarded and hiding even things that have nothing to do with other women.  And so it goes.  It leads to those Maxwell Smart moments where someone says, "You think that you know what I am doing, but that's what I wanted you to think. I'm actually doing something entirely different.  But then, I knew that's what you think I would think to do, so I'm really doing something else...."  A classic, ridiculous power struggle. In the end, paradoxically, the husband and wife each get what they want .... to stay together.  It's just a goofy, dysfunctional way of doing it through distrust and intimidation -- most of it inside their own heads.

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3 hours ago, AyelaNewLife said:

I don't necessarily agree with it, but I can certainly understand anyone who decides to avoid the potential conflict by simply keeping things quiet.

 

46 minutes ago, Rolig Loon said:

A classic, ridiculous power struggle. In the end, paradoxically, the husband and wife each get what they want .... to stay together.  It's just a goofy, dysfunctional way of doing it through distrust and intimidation -- most of it inside their own heads.

Yeah. Despite the tone of my last post on this, I'm actually trying not to be too judgmental about this; more, really, I was both amused and curious.

I'm still not entirely convinced that the best way of proceeding, at least in some cases, would not be to demonstrate that "nothing is going on here," and that the husband's use of SL is innocent and should not be a source of suspicion and jealousy. But that, of course, also depends on that actually being the case. Having spoken to one of my two friends about this last night, I'm no longer so sure that it is, in that instance anyway (although my own interactions with him remain very much above-board).

I'm not a moral absolutist by any means; I think that what you're both saying here is that couples essentially negotiate their own bounds and rules, whether or not these are entirely rational or even fair. And that's certainly true. I'm in no position to judge either their conduct on SL (beyond their interactions with me), nor the state of their relationships with their partners, so I haven't upbraided either for not being more "honest." Their RL relationships are their own business, and I'm very happy to let it continue that way.

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5 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

I'm still not entirely convinced that the best way of proceeding, at least in some cases, would not be to demonstrate that "nothing is going on here," and that the husband's use of SL is innocent and should not be a source of suspicion and jealousy. But that, of course, also depends on that actually being the case.

You and I seem to think alike in many ways. I have an almost unshakable faith in logic, which translates into "Why can't we just sit down and talk things through like adults?" That faith is tested by decades of observation which tell me that other people aren't always logical. Sometimes the best course is to accept the absurdity and move on.

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Rolig Loon said:

Sometimes the best course is to accept add to the absurdity and move on.

 

Edited by Madelaine McMasters
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I've actually had a lot of dudes ask me if I look like my avatar in RL. I can't even begin to list why that is annoying. I mean, dude... doesn't matter what I look like, still not going to f#ck you.

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4 hours ago, AdminGirl said:

I've actually had a lot of dudes ask me if I look like my avatar in RL. I can't even begin to list why that is annoying. I mean, dude... doesn't matter what I look like, still not going to f#ck you.

I'd be thrilled to get that question, to which I'd reply... "Yes, but my RL complexion is darker."

1184231743_DevilPosingSmall.jpg.c74e3659b22294fd4ca0318579e3142c.jpg

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Posted (edited)

Line that annoys me the most lately, and isn't even really a line (not a full line anyway);

"You SHOULD..."

"People SHOULD..."

Interesting fact; a psychologist once told me that by changing "should" to "I'd like", or "I wish" you can actively reduce your anger and stress levels. In other words, by letting go of this expectation of having things done to our standard, we can actually alter our brain chemistry to being more receptive to problem solving as opposed to addressing issues confrontationally. There you go! :D 

Edited by RaeLeeH
Making the post all pretty with italics! Because who doesn't love italics?! You SHOULD love italics!! XD
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11 hours ago, RaeLeeH said:

Line that annoys me the most lately, and isn't even really a line (not a full line anyway);

"You SHOULD..."

"People SHOULD..."

Interesting fact; a psychologist once told me that by changing "should" to "I'd like", or "I wish" you can actively reduce your anger and stress levels. In other words, by letting go of this expectation of having things done to our standard, we can actually alter our brain chemistry to being more receptive to problem solving as opposed to addressing issues confrontationally. There you go! :D 

that is so interesting, wow, who knew! ... well the psych did.. but seriously amazing how the brain works!

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16 hours ago, RaeLeeH said:

In other words, by letting go of this expectation of having things done to our standard, we can actually alter our brain chemistry to being more receptive to problem solving

If people would just do things to my standard, their would be no need for problem solving in the first place! ;)

You are absolutely right though, something I had to forcefully teach myself at work; It also works stres relieving. Off course "my way is the best way" but if others do it their way, might be not as perfect as yours (in your view) but if it still gets the job done and everyone is happy, why stress about it or "if it has to be done good I have to do it myself" making yourself overflow with work that other should (I'd like them to) do.

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Posted (edited)

Mine used to be "Nice avatar" in all honesty in these days of sl every one has a nice avatar, until a live singer at an sl event IM me that. 3 years later we are married in RL and I literary moved from the US to the UK to be together.

Now it's just anything any one IMs me, im my head I am like "MOTHER WUCKER WUT, IM BUSY!!"

Edited by TheDarkhand
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23 hours ago, RaeLeeH said:

Line that annoys me the most lately, and isn't even really a line (not a full line anyway);

"You SHOULD..."

"People SHOULD..."

Interesting fact; a psychologist once told me that by changing "should" to "I'd like", or "I wish" you can actively reduce your anger and stress levels. In other words, by letting go of this expectation of having things done to our standard, we can actually alter our brain chemistry to being more receptive to problem solving as opposed to addressing issues confrontationally. There you go! :D 

Yea, it's part of cognitive behavioural therapy (dealing with negative automatic thoughts).

A fun way to respond to someone's "you should" is "why should I?" Drives people nuts but, hey, they started it 😀

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12 minutes ago, Akane Nacht said:

Yea, it's part of cognitive behavioural therapy (dealing with negative automatic thoughts).

A fun way to respond to someone's "you should" is "why should I?" Drives people nuts but, hey, they started it 😀

I once said “you have to” to someone. Their response was, “the only thing I have to do is die and take up space”. I was mildly shocked but learned my lesson.

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13 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

I once said “you have to” to someone. Their response was, “the only thing I have to do is die and take up space”. I was mildly shocked but learned my lesson.

I once said "I don't have to do anything!" to my dad. His response was, "You don't have to breathe."  :S

Not exactly a good thing to say to a child who had to be reminded to breathe normally when stressed.

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26 minutes ago, Solar Legion said:

<Insert Game here> will have some negative effect on Second Life's userbase!

Make sure to blow on the game cartridge before you insert it.

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Posted (edited)

[10:03] Funnynewbie Resident: hi
[10:03] Funnynewbie Resident: show your ass
[10:04] Minny124: LOL
[10:05] Funnynewbie Resident : can i touch you
[10:05] Funnynewbie Resident : squeeze your ass
[10:06] Minny124: nooo
[10:06] Funnynewbie Resident : i didnt expect yes
[10:07] Funnynewbie Resident  : why r u running (he askes after bumped me,lol)

Edited by Minny124
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Posted (edited)

[Redacted because, upon consideration, I have decided I don't need or want to exhibit this kind of thing publicly, nor hold someone, even an anonymous someone, to ridicule.]

Edited by Scylla Rhiadra
Because better angels

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I bet you've never met a man like me

What, a troglodyte that thinks that adding a beard to your system or cookie-cutter mesh avatar is the height of customisation, a fetish for misogynistically dehumanising women under the cloak of "BDSM", and enough pretentiousness to rival your average class of Etonians? My dude this is SL, men like you are practically paving slabs, you can't walk anywhere without stepping on the damn things.

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