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Billie Ellsmere

Femdom community disappointment

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I’m a text escort in SL. Not looking for validation or anything like that. Just saying for clarity.  I have been exploring Femdom, BDSM and other kinks which has been really interesting for me. I joined a bunch of groups looking for a community and I was really excited when I found one that I felt I could fit in with. Until recently when I arrived to attend an event and was told that I could only stay if I took the escort club picks out of my profile because it gives people the wrong idea. I asked what that meant and did not get a response. Sure it’s not a big deal to take them out of my picks for the event. I don’t mention escorting anywhere else in my profile. But this really bothered me because honestly, I expected more from a Femdom community that bills itself as laid back, like to be open and accepting of my independent choices, as a woman in charge of my SLife.  I was not there to solicit for business, to cause trouble or send the wrong message.  I was there for an event to make friends and hopefully find a community. Instead of being welcomed I felt judged and not welcome.

I guess i’m just wondering am I being over sensitive, or is it not ironic to be turned away from a Femdom community for being a escort?

I’m fully aware that I may be taking this way too seriously, but come on, so are they!

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I have never been on either side of this equation, but it is possible from their point of view -- which I assume is about female power in part -- that by becoming an escort you have given away that power?   That might not be YOUR point of view, but I can see how it could be theirs.    

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12 minutes ago, Billie Ellsmere said:

am I being over sensitive

Maybe.

If the place is the one I am thinking of they are laid back for the most part.  However ... Anything that could be construed as findom or male dominance is verboten.  I don't know what was in your picks.  They want to make sure any visitor is well aware that they support the life style as a choice.  It is not a paid sex club. 

 

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All that’s in my picks are two for the club I work at because it is mandatory for most clubs when you work for them. I get how they can see it that way but my point is more about being excluded from a community because of assumptions they made about me based on my lifestyle choices rather then my actions. To me, this felt disempowering particularly when it comes from other women who call themselves Femdoms. 

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1 hour ago, Billie Ellsmere said:

I guess i’m just wondering am I being over sensitive, or is it not ironic to be turned away from a Femdom community for being a escort?

I’m fully aware that I may be taking this way too seriously, but come on, so are they!

If that well known "game" called FirstLife, which you may have heard about of watched a youtube video about...

It's not uncommon for a "Professional Dominatrix" catering to the femdom male sub market to very specifically claim she's not an escort or prostitute, and that anti prostitution laws thus do not apply to them as "they never actually have sex with their customers".

The fact that the customers and the police think it's sexual fun for money never occurs to them... Until they get busted by the cops...

I've noticed that many of the more "self important" members of the SecondLife "professional femdom" community seem to follow similar delusions about such things... They want NO hint of "sex for money" to creep into their little world and "ruin their reputations".

It's always bemused me, you see the adboards about...

"Supreme Domina Goddess, Mistress Severity von Whiplash! Your SL Domme, send NC to enquire about hourly rates"

But they are NOT SL escorts or hookers, oh no indeed... :D 

Don't take them seriously, if you can't hang out there because of a group, hang out someplace else, it's not like theres a shortage.
 

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10 minutes ago, Klytyna said:

Don't take them seriously, if you can't hang out there because of a group, hang out someplace else, it's not like theres a shortage.
 

Yes there are lots of other places i can hang out. It makes me laugh at how people take themselves so seriously.

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To their defense, I suppose they want to cater to a certain style, and I respect that.

I wouldt worry about it, I had a friend who got extremely upset and worried when a club's administrator told her she shouldnt be here.

Try to clarify the situation with the person in charge (not an underling)  if you want to, but I wouldnt worry too much about it.

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I don't think you're being sensitive but skeptical, and I can totally see why. Just because they are interested in Femdom, doesn't mean they're feminist. Therefore they could still hold many judgements about what you do. I honestly never check profile picks of random people, I doubt most people do. I'm assuming they already knew you were an escort and if they were really trying to maintain an image (being a female dominatrix is sex work (or sex roleplay) rather they like it or not; nor does it matter if they get monetary compensation) they should have told you prior to the event.

In the even that they were unaware that you were an escort (meaning you randomly came to the event as a stranger), I could understand why they would tell you to edit your picks. It could be a strict rule they already set prior to you ever popping up on the scene. I know of an escorts who do come to events to advertise services, it's more common than you believe. But, then the above still applies. 

A definition check: 

Femdom: Female dominance, female domination, or femdom refers to BDSM relationships and BDSM scenes in which the dominant partner is female.

Feminisim: the advocacy of women's rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes. 

So, don't sweat it, you have one less group to inquire about.

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7 hours ago, Billie Ellsmere said:

I don’t mention escorting anywhere else in my profile.

[...]

I was not there to solicit for business, to cause trouble or send the wrong message.

I think this is the key part here. I suspect that if you had a notecard linked in your profile, they would have asked you to remove that too.

These places are usually for "amateurs"; it is somewhere that "hobbyists" and those interested in that lifestyle can freely explore a relatively taboo side of their sexuality without judgement. The last thing they need is for a bunch of predatory hookers to start approaching these men and fishing for clients. If they see a two-month old escort avatar that they don't really know turn up to their event, that's going to set off some alarm bells, regardless of how you act.

It's not that they don't like escorts, it's that they don't like people escorting at their event. And that is a completely legitimate position for them to take. Perhaps their methods aren't ideal and perhaps they were overzealous, but if their rules are designed to stop people from escorting at their event, it's pretty hard to have a justifiable complaint about that.

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8 hours ago, Sparetta said:

I don't think you're being sensitive but skeptical, and I can totally see why. Just because they are interested in Femdom, doesn't mean they're feminist.

That’s it right there. I made the assumption that Femdom amd feminism go hand in hand because that’s where i’m coming from with it. Wrong!

Oh well. It’s fine. There are other places I can go. So I’m not gonna sweat it. 

Thanks :)

 

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4 hours ago, AyelaNewLife said:

I think this is the key part here. I suspect that if you had a notecard linked in your profile, they would have asked you to remove that too.

These places are usually for "amateurs"; it is somewhere that "hobbyists" and those interested in that lifestyle can freely explore a relatively taboo side of their sexuality without judgement. The last thing they need is for a bunch of predatory hookers to start approaching these men and fishing for clients. If they see a two-month old escort avatar that they don't really know turn up to their event, that's going to set off some alarm bells, regardless of how you act.

It's not that they don't like escorts, it's that they don't like people escorting at their event. And that is a completely legitimate position for them to take. Perhaps their methods aren't ideal and perhaps they were overzealous, but if their rules are designed to stop people from escorting at their event, it's pretty hard to have a justifiable complaint about that.

Ya I understand that. Not every escort is a predatory hooker. What about the people who advertise their business in their profiles? Also, I’ve seen a lot worse things in profiles than a pick for a strip club. I don’t care if they like me or not  They do not know me and assuming I am there to solicit for customers is very presumptuous and rude to not even give me a response when I brought this forward. If they are worried about their reputation they should try treating other women as equals without judgment. 

 

 

 

 

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As a rule, I tend to stay away from the BDSM "lifestyle" in SL.

I've found that many of the individuals and groups here like to play around with dominance/submission, but they don't have a lot of real world experience to drawn from. What you normally get here is the 50 Shades of Grey - unrealistic, fantasized version where some insecure pleb believes that being a rude, inconsiderate knob somehow equates dominance, and that everyone within earshot should quake in their presence or be subservient to them. Yeah, right.

As for your OP...

I'll have to agree with what has been posted already. I can only speak for myself here, but I've always viewed escorting as catering to the needs of men (unless your clients are female), which many Dommes are diametrically opposed to. Though when you think about it, many pro dommes provide services that cater to the needs of their clients, which essentially is no different than what you do.

Edited by Kristen Beornssen
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54 minutes ago, Kristen Beornssen said:

As a rule, I tend to stay away from the BDSM "lifestyle" in SL.

I've found that many of the individuals and groups here like to play around with dominance/submission, but they don't have a lot of real world experience to drawn from. What you normally get here is the 50 Shades of Grey - unrealistic, fantasized version where some insecure pleb believes that being a rude, inconsiderate knob somehow equates dominance, and that everyone within earshot should quake in their presence or be subservient to them. Yeah, right.

As for your OP...

I'll have to agree with what has been posted already. I can only speak for myself here, but I've always viewed escorting as catering to the needs of men (unless your clients are female), which many Dommes are diametrically opposed to. Though when you think about it, many pro dommes provide services that cater to the needs of their clients, which essentially is no different than what you do.

I do escorting in SL which as a very far cry from being a "professional", which is why I was surprised to learn that some people actually take this so seriously. There are many pro dommes in the real world, one i know of who actually makes her clients read black feminist theory as part of their sessions. This is where I take my inspiration from, not from some hyped up 50 Shade of Grey movie. I haven't seen the movie and have no desire to. 

Thanks for sharing :)

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That's just the owner of the place's opinion. ***** them. There was once a place that banned me from their place and I had asked why, and it is because I was an owner of another company who was just coming by. And there was another time I was banned from a place because an "employee" there did not agree with my opinions and views, so just ***** them, LOL.

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Their sim, their rules, stupid or not.  SL is about living it the way you want & that is how they want it, it's pretty simple.  It's all fake anyway.  Most of those women jump from alt to alt going from Dominant to submissive, male to female, sadist to daddy, etc.  It is so rare to find anyone being their true selves in SL that honestly even using the word "friend" to describe someone you know in SL is really pushing it in my opinion.

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