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Melian Catronis

The Right Thing...or the Biggest Mistake of My Second Life?

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Okay, I've been in SL for a bit over 18 months and now have my first relationship crisis. I've been involved with someone for awhile, someone of quality, someone who I really get along with (we've communicated outside of SL quite a bit), and I have to say I care for this person. The issue with this relationship is that RL has been taking them away more and more from SL for the past few months and it doesn't look like that situation is going to get better anytime soon.

I've been seeing someone on a casual basis for a few weeks now, and they now want to take this to another level and get more serious. Under advice of a friend who only knows me and not the others, I was told to not sneak around, to let both of them know about the other (and the one I've been seeing lately has known about the other person and my conflicted state about what to do, and has wisely chosen to not interfere and said however they can have me is worth it to them). Last night I was finally able to tell the one I've been involved with about the situation. I can say they were kind and understanding of things and they're willing to accept there is someone else, and that I am someone who needs affection and time they cannot give me right now. They appreciated that I wanted to tell them personally and honestly and not sneak around.

I thought I would feel better having done this, but I don't. I wish in a way I would've been the brunt of a bunch of screaming and name-calling last night to let me know I've made the right decision and make it easy to proceed. Instead I feel like I've deeply wounded someone that I do care about, and their understanding of the situation only reminds me of why I ended up caring about this person. I feel like I've stepped out into a void without knowing if this other relationship is going to go anywhere and if I'm doing the right thing by them, too. Part of me wants the one I talked to last night to suddenly have things in RL change for them, allowing them down the road to come back to SL more often, and then fight like hell to win me back.

So I need some input: did I do the right thing? Or did I just screw up the best thing that's happened to me in SL so far? Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? And for those veterans of SL relationships, does it get any easier?

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Imo, you did the right thing by opening discussion with the people involved.  Whether it will turn out to be the 'right' relationship for you is still to be determined.  

However, I disagree with the idea that this person should come back and try to win you back.  You are now constraining your new relationship.  This is not fair to your 'new' interest - unless, of course, you have this same conversation with them, as well.  If you are honest and you still lose the new interest - maybe it really was not worth it to begin with.  Or, maybe, it will make your new relationship stronger.

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Well at least you have been hounest which is the most important thing. We can't have all, and being dishounest will eventually fire back at you with a lot more pain for everyone involved. 

I think being hounest and open is the right thing to do really, and emotions are part of the ride of life wether SL or RL. However you can't possibly expect the other person to fight to win you back since you made the call very clear. If she is strong and intelligent, she will move on after her pain. At this moment i would leave her alone really to give her time to get over it otherwise you would mess up and confuse her feelings even more which would be a kind of emotional black mail. 

We simply can't have a fine diner on different tables at the same time can we. Life is about choices. Did you make the right one? Only time will tell. And emotions and feeling, well we just have to absorb them i suppose. I didn't say that was easy, however it is the way it is.

I think you did right :smileyhappy:

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RL is RL.  It's real and requires hard and fast decisions about what is necessary for your real existance.  Mistakes will have dire consequences.

 

SL is SL.  It is NOT real and no mistakes in SL can have dire consequences.  The absolute worst harm anyone can have in SL is hurt feelings.  (And yes, someone killing themselves because their feelings are hurt is not SL's fault, anymore than Toyota is responsible for Road Rage.)

 

Many people have hooked up in RL after SL.  Some have worked out.  Most have not, because the harsh truth is that in SL, everything is perfect.  It's the perfect fantasy because it's not real, just in your mind.  But as soon as you try to make it real, why, then reality issues with body odor or size or that grating whistle between his teeth come into play.  If you want a RL love, then RL is where you need to find him.  Long distance relationships almost never work out and SL is a poor substitute for real arms and real warmth. 

You can keep your SL flame in SL and have a RL lover as well.  Two worlds, two solutions.  Unless you subscribe to the "it's all real" viewpoint in which case you'll have to have only one of them, preferably in reality. 

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I commend you being honest with the parties involved...how refreshing :)

There is an old adage/song, "que sera, sera"...It is true for SL just as much as RL.  If it was meant to be, he/she will find their way back to you.  In the meantime, have fun and enjoy your second life.

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Shockwave Yareach wrote:

RL is RL.  It's real and requires hard and fast decisions about what is necessary for your real existance.  Mistakes will have dire consequences.

 

SL is SL.  It is NOT real and no mistakes in SL can have dire consequences.  The absolute worst harm anyone can have in SL is hurt feelings.  (And yes, someone killing themselves because their feelings are hurt is not SL's fault, anymore than Toyota is responsible for Road Rage.)

 

Many people have hooked up in RL after SL.  Some have worked out.  Most have not, because the harsh truth is that in SL, everything is perfect.  It's the perfect fantasy because it's not real, just in your mind.  But as soon as you try to make it real, why, then reality issues with body odor or size or that grating whistle between his teeth come into play.  If you want a RL love, then RL is where you need to find him.  Long distance relationships almost never work out and SL is a poor substitute for real arms and real warmth. 

You can keep your SL flame in SL and have a RL lover as well.  Two worlds, two solutions.  Unless you subscribe to the "it's all real" viewpoint in which case you'll have to have only one of them, preferably in reality. 

 

Interestingly I have two friends who both met their RL partners in SL and are still very happy. I think again we mainly hear about the relationships that don't work rather than the ones that do - because the ones that do - the people tend to leave (or become far less involved in) SL and no one hears the 'dramatics'.

Also to be taken into account is how sensible people are about taking things to RL - instead of just dashing in.

You're right of course - SL is not a RL dating site (though LL might like to change that), but when real people use something - real emotions and relationships happen. Not every SL relationship will transfer well to RL - but then not ever relationship begun in RL lasts either.

All I say to people is - be careful and keep a realistic mindset on it.

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Kylie Jaxxon wrote:

I commend you being honest with the parties involved...how refreshing
:)

There is an old adage/song, "que sera, sera"...It is true for SL just as much as RL.  If it was meant to be, he/she will find their way back to you.  In the meantime, have fun and enjoy your second life.

To the OP - Kylie said it for me too :smileyhappy:

 

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Only you can decide if it was "right" or not. Have you asked both of them what they think? I mean specifically asked them whether they believe you did the "right" thing or not? It might help.

Most wouldn't like my opinion of people having more than one relationship at once-I'm not fond of even the idea much less the practice. I don't carry the opinion that sl cannot be real and carries no real consequences. At least not in the way some others do. Some aspects of sl will never be real, obviously, it's a virtual world. But our emotions, how we "carry" ourselves, our relationships with others, and so much more *can be very real. And all can carry with them real consequences. But that, again, is just my opinion.  Personally I am quite glad I don't get to decide what's "right" or "wrong" for everyone. Given that I don't agree with so much of what I see going on. It would be a difficult job indeed.

Being honest with both is key, imo, if you choose to have two relationships on the same level like that. Even if you're still deciding which one you want to be with more. Not being honest may open doors you might not want opened, and leave the possibility for issues to creep up that could cause you to lose one, or both, relationships.

 

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Not knowing the full content of your conversation with your significant other and having read your OP I get the impression that their is an unasked question hanging in the air.

Do you want this relationship to move to RL?  And if you do have you asked your partner if the possibility exists for it to move to RL?

If it is only going to be a SL relationship, it would be manifestly unfair of your partner to ask you to endure continued SL lonliness.  What would be the point of logging into emotional emptiness?

You did the right thing by talking to your partner but I just get the feeling that all the cards were not out on the table.  Otherwise the issues would be resolved or at least out where they could be resolved.

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You were right to act on the advice of your friend who cautioned you to not sneak around, rather, let both parties know how you feel about what is going on.  Hopefully, your friend was just validating your own instinct to be honest.  You need to decide for yourself what direction to take but keep your communications open.  You cannot string along one party hoping that the other will step in at some point and reclaim their 'status' with you without potentially hurting someone you seem to care about as well as your own credibility.

Good luck.

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You are right in that the friend was validating some of what I needed to hear. I indicated with the new situation that I didn't want to betray the other one, but the friend was also the one to say what someone else said--that I need to decide if I can live with the lonliness. I guess only time will tell if I've made the right choice.

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Melian Catronis wrote:

Okay, I've been in SL for a bit over 18 months and now have my first relationship crisis. I've been involved with someone for awhile, someone of quality, someone who I really get along with (we've communicated outside of SL quite a bit), and I have to say I care for this person. The issue with this relationship is that RL has been taking them away more and more from SL for the past few months and it doesn't look like that situation is going to get better anytime soon.

I've been seeing someone on a casual basis for a few weeks now, and they now want to take this to another level and get more serious. Under advice of a friend who only knows me and not the others, I was told to not sneak around, to let both of them know about the other (and the one I've been seeing lately has known about the other person and my conflicted state about what to do, and has wisely chosen to not interfere and said however they can have me is worth it to them). Last night I was finally able to tell the one I've been involved with about the situation. I can say they were kind and understanding of things and they're willing to accept there is someone else, and that I am someone who needs affection and time they cannot give me right now. They appreciated that I wanted to tell them personally and honestly and not sneak around.

I thought I would feel better having done this, but I don't. I wish in a way I would've been the brunt of a bunch of screaming and name-calling last night to let me know I've made the right decision and make it easy to proceed. Instead I feel like I've deeply wounded someone that I do care about, and their understanding of the situation only reminds me of why I ended up caring about this person. I feel like I've stepped out into a void without knowing if this other relationship is going to go anywhere and if I'm doing the right thing by them, too. Part of me wants the one I talked to last night to suddenly have things in RL change for them, allowing them down the road to come back to SL more often, and then fight like hell to win me back.

So I need some input: did I do the right thing? Or did I just screw up the best thing that's happened to me in SL so far? Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? And for those veterans of SL relationships, does it get any easier?

Does it get any easier? Hmmm relationships are rarely straightforward, but the one advantage you have over a lot of people in similar situations is that you have been 100% honest.  Lack of honesty (in RL or in SL) is often what causes the screaming and name-calling drama. 

If you've been feeling your main partner pulling further and further out into RL, it's no surprise you've rebounded already into someone else's arms, but I would really doubt that relationship has a future. I would err on the side of caution when considering taking things "to the next level", as you have voiced in this thread your desire for the first one to be able to come back to you in SL and fight for you.  "Fight like hell to win you back"? That sounds so dramatic. And unfair on that person.

For sure, it was essential you were honest with both of them, but now you need to be honest with yourself.  Maybe neither of them are the one you are meant to be with ultimately.  Perhaps you should spend some time alone, or out of SL, to get your head a little more straight. 

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you always did the right thing.

you did the right thing when you got into the first relationship, you choosed to be with a man that loved you, cared for you, understood you, respected you.

you did the right thing in not getting into a second relationship while you were in the first one.

you did the right thing talking with the man from the first relationship about it, so both can decide what to do about the relationship, and he decided that will be better for you to be free to pursue another relationship, because he was less and less unable to be the partner you deserved.

you always did the right thing.

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On a more practical level, revealing you have been seeing someone else is only going to make you more attractive to the one who has been neglecting you. So a good move all round.

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Humm..I disagree.  Your statement assumes that the her first 'friend' is neglecting her intentionally and I do not get that from reading the OP.   The only 'move' that I see on her part is being honest with those for whom she cares.

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Venus Petrov wrote:

Humm..I disagree.  Your statement assumes that the her first 'friend' is neglecting her intentionally and I do not get that from reading the OP.   The only 'move' that I see on her part is being honest with those for whom she cares.

I agree Venus, what Sandra wrote only works sometimes.  In the OP's particular situation I don't think it works the ways Sandra stated.  I didn't sense the first relationship going sour over jealousy.  

 

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Definitely not, Venus and Storm. It's RL issues going on and they're having less and less time to spend online, much less in SL. If I thought they were doing this intentionally I wouldn't think twice about their feelings, much less feel so terrible about it.

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Marigold Devin wrote:

For sure, it was essential you were honest with both of them, but now you need to be honest with yourself.  Maybe neither of them are the one you are meant to be with ultimately.  Perhaps you should spend some time alone, or out of SL, to get your head a little more straight. 

This is possibly the best advice you could give to someone in a situation like this. Unfortunately, most will not take it.

Here's how I see it:

Jumping from one relationship to another because you're lonely, no matter how much you like the second person, can only lead to complications. For instance, how do you know your feelings for this person are not feelings transferred over from your previous partner? Even if that's only a small part of it, it can still cloud your judgement. And when you're in the middle of it, it's nearly impossible to get an objective overview of the situation and what your feelings really are.

The best thing to do is step back, spend some time alone and reevaluate the situation once your head is clearer.

I would also like to warn the OP that relationships can be as difficult in SL as they are in RL, just in different ways. Having a partner that needs to stay away because of their RL is perhaps one of the most difficult. I know, I've been there.

I waited for someone for months when he was too busy in his RL. In which time I was miserably lonely. Then he broke up with me shortly after he returned, but that's a different story.

Within a month, I hooked up with someone else, even though I still had unresolved feelings over my previous relationship. It didn't work out too well, to say the least.

Right now I'm in a reevaluation stage myself. I'm learning how to be alone and find my happiness on my own terms, without having to rely on a partner to provide it for me. It's not easy, but I feel it's a very necessary step toward my having a happy and fulfilling second life, whether I get into another relationship or not.

I went through something very similar in RL... I always find it strange how I seem to need to learn the same lessons over again in SL.

Anyway, ( I need to stop before I write a book... lol) keep being honest... it really is the best policy. Especially when you're being honest with yourself.

Good luck... Dres

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You mean you're seeing two persons secretly? You have to choose between the two. You cannot have them both. Don't worry you'll get over this you're not the only one experiencing this problem.

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