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bloodysapphire18

Caught my RL boyfriend cheating in SL

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3 hours ago, Bree Giffen said:

He may have not been physically performing anything with the other woman but he was spending time with her romantically. Granted there is a line from virtual to reality that he may never cross but his cheating indicates a certain mindset.

they are college kids... it indicates a healthy mindset...

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Bottom Line:

He lied to you, he made you feel unimportant. Someone who truly loves you will always make time for you no matter what. He was hiding what he was doing from you.

You deserve far better, if you ever need to talk you can IM me in world.

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When one is in a marriage/relationship and they're chatting up someone else online either by flirting or in a sexual way they ARE cheating. Same as texting on their phones same concept. RL and SL blend together no matter how some members of the community try to say it doesn't. Your avatar feels no pain and cannot move about on its own without the human behind it. If you've shed a tear or felt anger or even disappointment while your avatar is roaming around SL then your REALITY has just spilled through your avatar. RL and SL ARE the same. You've done the right thing removing him from your life, he would only find other ways to do it again and lie to you.

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1 hour ago, Tiger Lilliehook said:

---

I agree fully with this.

 

I'd also like to point out that 'people don't change', not in the short at least; a person capable and guilty of infidility is likely malcontent with one or several aspects of their current relationship and/or situation and obviously lacking the level of morale, by social convention termed 'common decency', to in an honest manner inform their partner of such and instead seek confirmation from exterior sources. This, of course, asuming your relationship was a monogamous and, if one may use such a crude term, 'standard' conjunction.

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FIRST of all i want to commend you on not airing their names... that shows your character, and it's admirable. 

Second... good luck. 

i cannot say here or there whether you should try to work it out with him, but i know in my OWN situation, once that trust is broken... that's it, it's over and done with.

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Hello bloodysapphire18

Interesting story what happened to you.

Quote

To this day, he's still asking for a second chance. We've been together for 3 years.. I miss him but at the same time I'm angry at him. Should I give him a second chance?

Now, regardless of what everyone else has said, always remember this. After 3 years of relationship, if your partner is not able to speak with the truth and begins to create a lie, all trust is broken. Why? Because once you lie ... you'll be able to make another lie.
Do you know why man cheats? Because they believe they will never be caught, and when that happens, it is when they want to act the way they should have done before the deception.
Therefore; The question should NOT be: "should I give him a second chance"? The question should be: "Should I give myself a chance with him and risk being lied again"?

People's lives are already written, only that we do not see it but we live it. That is why that everything, but everything even the slightest small thing happens for something or for some reason. Nothing in this life happens for nothing. What your boyfriend (ex boyfriend)
did, was supposed to happen, only that unfortunately as humans, we do not know the things that are going to happen, but when it happens that we find out, that's when we react.

Now there are two options: The path that God has saved you, since only he knew what was going to happen for some reason, or the path that you'll build yourself when making the decision to risk yourself being lied again by giving the second chance.

Only one thing I tell you from experience, to have 3 years of relationship, feels that it is a long time, but in reality it is not. It takes more than that to get to know a person well. If something like that happened to you, it is NOT your loss, but his.
Especially about something so simple that maybe if he was an open-minded person, and be honest with you, it could be that even both could've enjoy the roles within Second life. But he decided to keep it a secret.  He was the fool who preferred to deceive you.

Look at it this way. Maybe this had to happen to him so he realized what was lost by his stupid mistake. And in your case, so that you know that God has someone better saved for you. But you will never meet that person if you start getting used to giving second chances.

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On 6/17/2017 at 6:40 PM, Orwar said:

I agree fully with this.

 

I'd also like to point out that 'people don't change', not in the short at least; a person capable and guilty of infidility is likely malcontent with one or several aspects of their current relationship and/or situation and obviously lacking the level of morale, by social convention termed 'common decency', to in an honest manner inform their partner of such and instead seek confirmation from exterior sources. This, of course, asuming your relationship was a monogamous and, if one may use such a crude term, 'standard' conjunction.

That people do not change? So a humans being are not capable of change?
So what's the point of opportunities? What is the point of what is a "mistake or an error" and commit them? What is the point of feeling "regrets and shame"? You never made any mistakes? Never in your life? And if you did, since people do not change I should assume that the mistake that you made, you never regret (at all) because people do not change right?

People can definitely change, it's just part of being human. But then again, it is simply an option, therefore, when the human does not change, it is because that was their decision or because they simply do not want to do it. But that they are capable to do it .... they can!
  So don't say that people don't change cause that's NOT a fact... is just an opinion.

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@bloodysapphire18 The only thing that's important here is how you feel.   You don't trust him any more so, to my mind, that's an end to it.   You wouldn't be happy with him because of the loss of trust, so there's no point.   His trying to make you feel guilty about not having sex with him pretty much confirms him in my eyes as being not worth bothering about. 

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No.  You shouldn't give him another chance. 

Forgive yes.  Definitely.  But don't put your heart through being in a relationship with someone that would treat it in such a way.   It will only show you are willing to accept little indiscretions like that and give him permission to keep on doing it - only a bit more carefully than what he did in the past.   Which will only lead to further trust issues down the line.

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On ‎2017‎-‎05‎-‎23 at 7:37 PM, HaileeTempesta said:

I used to think the same as Talligurl, that at least they were only with me in SL and not hooking up in RL so why the heck were the wives so ticked off all the time..I mean it could be worse right?  But, after 10 yrs in SL I can honestly say that having a relationship here  in SL with someone is just as bad if not worse than if they were going out in RL to be with someone else.

I'm not really talking about the random banging every so often, but actual relationship here.  They are giving their real life time to the person in SL over the one they are with in RL, they are becoming emotionally involved with someone in SL instead of strengthening the emotional bond with the one they are with in RL, they are being intimate with someone in SL (even though they can't physically touch) instead of going and being intimate with the person they are with in RL.  All the things that the men & women are choosing to do here in SL with someone that isn't their RL partner/gfF/etc. because they feel it's just an "escape" or "pretend" situation that means nothing, really does mean something to the one they are with in RL.

The hurt you cause, the love you take away and give to someone else, even on a computer, is wrong.  You can try to give any excuse you want, but you are emotionally cheating, which to me at least is way worse than just a random hookup.  You can't truly love and care for the one you're with in RL if you are doing these things behind their back in SL.  If you and your RL partner have an arrangement and you both agree it's fine, then more power to you, but, I have not only witnessed, I've been the cause of a RL family breaking up all because of my dalliance with them and it was strictly in SL, no RL contact at all.  I will never forgive myself for that and I don't think that people that do it knowingly with people that are married or involved with someone in RL should be either.  We should all stop and think of the hurt we cause from our choice to "Escape" for awhile.

Just my 2L$ worth.

I wouldn't feel so bad.  If it wasn't you it would have just been someone else.  *hugs*

I have seen both men and women on here hit on people they know are with someone else.   And I have seen enough people lie about real life details like being in a relationship (even supposedly casual ones) to know that sometimes the person they are with are totally in the dark on it.  I have also seen just from observation,  the sad situation where one partner feels that the person they are with is faithful but I know for a fact that their partner is cheating.  I was reminded of such a situation just the other day.  Which is why I will never get into another SL relationship.  

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11 hours ago, Anja Medier said:

That people do not change? So a humans being are not capable of change?
So what's the point of opportunities? What is the point of what is a "mistake or an error" and commit them? What is the point of feeling "regrets and shame"? You never made any mistakes? Never in your life? And if you did, since people do not change I should assume that the mistake that you made, you never regret (at all) because people do not change right?

People can definitely change, it's just part of being human. But then again, it is simply an option, therefore, when the human does not change, it is because that was their decision or because they simply do not want to do it. But that they are capable to do it .... they can!
  So don't say that people don't change cause that's NOT a fact... is just an opinion.

You quite clearly didn't understand what I meant, nor did you consider the context of the statement. "People don't change, at least not in the short" - I never said 'can't' nor that we would be capable to, which, is the same statement really. It's a generalization, almost a cliché, but in this context it is what I consider true; a person proven capable of infidelity probably shouldn't be trusted with another chance to do the same.

What is the point of oppertunities? - To which oppertunities are you referring? Is this going to get metaphysical?

What is the point of what is a "mistake or an error" and commit them? - Would you please untangle this before I respond so I don't confuse you further.

What is the point of feeling "regrets and shame"? - That is an interesting question; they are negative social/cognetive emotions. Though since I am no psychologist, I shan't dvelve further into it. I can provide you with reference material as easily as you can find it yourself, I'm sure.

You never made any mistakes? The obvious answer should be, of course I did. A more complex answer would be, that's a matter of perspective.

. . . Never in your life? And if you did, since people do not change I would assume that the mistake that you made, you never regret (at all) because people do not change  right? - The entire question is spun from presumption and misunderstanding; I have no dissocial or antisocial personality disorders so I am fully capable of feeling regret and shame.

 

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Cheating can be a wide range of things. It's all up to the individuals in a relationship. Cyber sex can be cheating. Emotional relationships can be cheating.  Open relationships can NOT be cheating. Cheating is when lies, deception and betrayal are involved no matter what form the cheating took.

Edited by NerDee79
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On 5/23/2017 at 4:06 PM, bloodysapphire18 said:

..... He doesn't know that I've started playing SL just a few weeks ago, and what are the odds.

So you guys never talked about SL and yet you both signed up!!!!   Id say the odds of that will need a mathematician to work it out.

My concern is more that you blame him for going to SL and not telling you and yet you did the same. 

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Like anything, cheating is in the eye of the beholder(s). For me, cheating is cheating whether it's emotional or physical. I have a partner in RL and I personally would never start something with somebody else in any reality but there are people out there who see things differently. It all depends on the people and the situation. Questions you should ask yourself: Does it bother you because he was having virtual sex with someone else or because he lied? How does this make you see him? Would you ever be able to trust him again? And is the heart break worth it a second time round? Nothing is ever black and white and everyone is entitled to their own opinions so you should do what is best for you and ***** what other people have to say about it because in the end you're the only one who will be affected (cheating ex-scum excluded ;)

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On 5/23/2017 at 2:06 AM, bloodysapphire18 said:

Note: I won't be revealing his SL name, same goes for his *****.

Lately my bf (I mean EX) didn't have much time for me and was always "busy" He rarely calls me, and when I call him he'd be like "Not now, I have a deadline to finish." So me being an understanding gf let it pass. He doesn't know that I've started playing SL just a few weeks ago, and what are the odds. I saw a guy that has a SL name somehow similar to my bf's name (what an idiot for incorporating his RL name) So my curiosity got the best of me and boy was I thankful. I approached the guy and he was talking with a very *****ty girl (mind you, they were having a very steamy conversation) I said "hey~" And the guy responds with a "Hi ;)" Immediately the girl with him IM me to back off. At this point my guts is telling me that it's him so I asked my RL bff to check on him in RL. My bff went to his house and was greeted by my ex bf's mother. His mom said that he was upstairs working on something in his computer (pffft) With that said, I called him in RL. 1st ring no answer, 2nd ring no answer, 3rd ring no answer, 4th ring still no answer. I somehow started laughing at myself and thought that I was just over reacting. On the 5th ring he finally answered, his voice was pissed. So I told him to chill and asked where he was.

RL convo:

Him: Babe, I told you I have a deadline and it's nearing.
Me: Oh sorry to disturb, I just really miss you. Lately you've been MIA.
Him: I know and I'm sorry, I'm at my colleague's house, needed some help with my project.
Me: Colleague's house? Ahhh, it's ok. Good luck on your project.

(note: while I was talking with him on the phone. The guy I assumed was him in SL had an "away" status.)

SL convo:

(note: His "away" status finally disappeared and resumed his steamy conversation with his *****. He also asked me if I wanted to join.)

Him: You have nice t*ts (referring to his *****)
*****: Want to come over? I'll let you rub them ;)
Him: Sounds good, wanna join us Sapphire?
*****: Find another d*ck, he's mine.
Me: Project.
Him: What?
Me: Hahahaha, working on a project. Was the project about having sex inside a game? With a *****?
Him: I don't know what you're talking about, if you didn't want to join you could've said so, crazy.
*****: Haha, must be a virgin in RL. Let's go baby ;)
Me: It's me (RL name) You lying bastard. Have a nice time with your *****.

By this point I was really furious so I blocked him and the girl then I logged out, a few seconds later he called me.

RL convo:

Him: (RL name)? I can explain. Just don't hang up.
Me: Sure, you owe me an explanation. (My voice was dangerously calm)
Him: You were always busy and it gets lonely, plus when I asked you that night you forcefully said no.
Me: BUSY? ME? (I finally let the anger come out) WHAT ABOUT YOU? AND JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU?
Hahahaha yeaaaah sure, you know what? You're a big waste of my time, don't ever call or show your face to me again.

I ended the call and turned my cp off.

To this day, he's still asking for a second chance. We've been together for 3 years.. I miss him but at the same time I'm angry at him. Should I give him a second chance?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. A woman's first mistake is always letting the guy back in. Go find better. 

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You know...

I feel the error here was on the side of the original poster, not her 'boyfriend'.

SL is a fantasy game space. You invaded his imaginative space, and made it 'real'. That had explosive results. Left alone, it would have remained his harmless 'roleplay' outlet.

But this is also one reason why since the day I entered SL I've stuck to my principles on 'no relationships, no partners, everything here is just play' - when you blur this space with RL, it just gets messy. Don't commit to your 'fantasy partners' and you won't start blurring them with your RL. And that might be the one mistake I see in the BF's actions - if I interpret them in that manner (only have one side of this, so hard to say).

 

 

Edited by Pussycat Catnap
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