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DorianDiaz

why is submission so popular?

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I've read words "submissive" "enslavement" "bondage" on 75% of profiles, the most of them were girls. I don't like bdsm or submission (but I would try it in sl by curiosity).
So how would a guy or a girl choose to be submissive? Why do you find so attractive that kind of roleplay?

 

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Many reasons.  There is a certain freedom they enjoy when all decisions are made for them.

The feeling of being owned.  Being chosen above all others not just as a companion but as property.  Not a rental but more permanent.  I know I am not saying it right.

Another reason is they are a bunch of attention whores. It's all about the subbies and what happens to them. If you have ever had your vision go white and feel a rumble in your chest only to realize that it is you groaning and yelling then come right to the edge of loosing consciousness as you climax .. yeah, that's what subbies do.  I remember seeing an exhibition one time where two leather Dommes were having tea.  A young lady with a pretty dress and arms bound ornately behind her back made them tea.  She sat the table, poured hot water in the cops, spooned in sugar, stirred the tea, the whole shebang, all with her mouth.  When she was done she bowed while the audience applauded her.  It was a lovely scene -- and the dominants may as well have been props except that props cannot say how proud they are of their girl.  It's all about the subs.  Which leads to ...

SL is full of "do me" subs wanting a little spank material before they "unexpectedly have a sudden thing that just happened" and they have to log off.

Before it gets too long ... I'll drop out for now and if I get a moment later I'll explain power exchange, traditional family roles and communication.

 

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Ok.  Power exchange.

In an old fashion, Leave it to Beaver family, the father has a job, the wife stays at home keeping house and looking pretty. This idea goes way back even to the Saga's where men plow the fields and tend the herd while women keep the house, weave cloth and hold the purse strings.  The details vary but the gist of it is, men get to make any decision but in turn they take care of the women. Whether or not this is natural or desirable is not the point.  It happens and even today we give and take power in our relationships without much thought.  How common is it for one partner to take care of paying the bills?  Someone hands over all their money and expects the other one to pay bills, manage a budget and buy whatever both want, need and can afford.

So here we are, in a relationship.  You work and give me your pay check.  In return I pay the bills, manage a budget so we can have 2 trips a year, make sure your car is paid and ready to buy a new one when it starts to get run down.  I give you a debit card so you can buy gas, a beer after work and other little things only asking that if you spend a large amount, let me know so I can adjust the budget. Would that be a bad set up?  You give me the power to control the money and I get all the headaches.  By giving up control you gain freedom.

Let's take another step.  Sex is dirty.  You have heard it your whole life.  Don't touch that, don't watch this, don't look, don't don't DON'T!  How any American can relax and enjoy being with another human is a miracle in itself.  But what if you are not in control?  I make the decisions and you do what I say.  You don't have to worry if I like it, if I am going to push you away or if I think it is too rough.  I make the decision. I'm the one setting the pace.  I'm the one pulling you down. There is no maybe because I said we're doing it.  The decision has been made and you are along for the ride.

So why aren't regular relationships like this?  Because no one talks.  Sex is dirty, remember?  If you just go with the flow you both will be guessing at what the other wants.  In a serious D/s relationship there will be ... I hate to call them interviews but it really fits.  I will ask what you want, what you enjoy, what are your fantasies, what are your limits, does the idea of being used by me, my friends, my boyfriend, my robot ...  tons of kinks we can explore or not.  And that's just the start.  We will talk a lot.  We will develop a high level of trust  And them there is aftercare.  After each scene we will talk.  What you liked, what bothered you, We rebuild your emotional grounding and talk about where we want to go.

This is a quick overview of ramblings that are probably way off point anyway.  Don't take anything as absolute truth because there is no absolute truth.  No matter how you approach BDSM someone will tell you that you are doing it wrong.  If you just want to have physical relations while dressed up in costumes and your partner agrees, your doing OK.  Safe, Sane and Consensual.  That's all that matters.

2 hours ago, DorianDiaz said:

I don't like bdsm or submission (but I would try it in sl by curiosity)

Make up your mind, Sugar.  There are thousands of submissives out there looking for a Dominant.

"So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth."
 

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IDK, all I know is my personal experience, which is that for a long time i thought the whole sub/dom thing was ....... well stupid. Then I met this guy. I now wear his collar and it makes me happy when he uses it to jerk me out of the sim I am in and next to him. I have done things with him that I once though there was no way I would ever do , even if it was all pretend. I think there is something about it that adds an emotional level to SL that is otherwise lacking because this is a safe and sterile place. Real relationships are full of dangers, even if that danger is nothing more than not knowing if you can pay the cable bill this month, but SL is danger free, just turn off the computer and everything goes away. I think BDSM here puts some of that back into our Second Lives, and that can be especially meaningful in a relationship. 

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13 hours ago, Talligurl said:

IDK, all I know is my personal experience, which is that for a long time i thought the whole sub/dom thing was ....... well stupid. Then I met this guy. I now wear his collar and it makes me happy when he uses it to jerk me out of the sim I am in and next to him. I have done things with him that I once though there was no way I would ever do , even if it was all pretend. I think there is something about it that adds an emotional level to SL that is otherwise lacking because this is a safe and sterile place. Real relationships are full of dangers, even if that danger is nothing more than not knowing if you can pay the cable bill this month, but SL is danger free, just turn off the computer and everything goes away. I think BDSM here puts some of that back into our Second Lives, and that can be especially meaningful in a relationship. 

I would be willing to bet that if you had a very very bad experience in SL that you could not "just turn off the computer and everything goes away." There can be just as many issues in SL as in RL. Paying land rent, store rent, having SL work obligations, having to meet a deadline for an event, having to be home for a "date" in SL when you really just want to curl up on the couch and watch tv, needing to take care of any number of breedables, or primbabies... The list is almost endless. 

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16 hours ago, DorianDiaz said:

Why do you find so attractive that kind of roleplay?

 

First rule when dealing with people in the BDSM Scene...

Do NOT assume that it's just 'roleplay' like being a cyborg or a fire-fighter or a space pilot, or whatever, for many it is WHO they are, they are NOT playing a 'character' but being themselves, albeit a younger, fitter, more attractive, or healthier version.

Second rule, don't assume it's all about sex, there are as many reasons for being part of the BDSM Scene as there are people part of it. Some like the restrictions, some are into 'power exchange' some like the aesthetics of bound flesh, some are sadists, or masochists, some are fetishists into the clothing more than the activities, the list is endless.

Too many outsiders, especially those who think they might 'try' being kinky for a bit, as if it was just a new kind of 'roleplay' often get this wrong, they assume it's all about sex, and "masters and slaves", and generally make fools of them selves and annoy the BDSM people.

 

Edited by Klytyna
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Above all --- and in any kind of interchange, not just sex -- remember that there is a real life person behind every avatar. They may be NOTHING like the avatar you see. It is the ENERGY that you are dealing with and energy is lasting -- way beyond the click of the off button on your computer. 

 

So I suggest that you (people) delve slowly and with caution. 

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hi Dorian,

some excellent points above by others.. 

 

some others to consider:

*Not every `woman` you meet is a woman. some may be men living out a fantasy

*Some people may be like you and may try it in sl but not rl

*others may not be able to try sub activities in rl due to rl circumstances . Sl offers an outlet for many from every community and for every kink. 

*You may be visiting a lot of adult Sims so may see adult groups listed more often

 

these are only some of the reasons.

there are hundreds of more reason.  Best to ask the people you meet (politely) and the folks may share their individual reasons

 

have a great day

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12 hours ago, MistressBrunhilde said:

As a newbie I am finding it very difficult to meet submissives.

If anyone is interested (either a dom or sub) in talking to me to see if we can find common ground please contact me 

So far you are only 2 days old. Rather than rushing out looking for a sub you may wish to spend time:

  • Get your avatar looking good. Mesh head and body
  • Learn SL movement, camera, etc.
  • Add a photo to your profile.
  • Add text to your profile.
  • Learn to use the basic parts of collar your sub will be most likely wearing.
  • Learn to use/control the devices your sub will most likely want you to use on them.
  • Rent/Buy land and set up your lair.

 

Edited by Callum Meriman
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Patience, planning and careful forethought are essential components of any successful Dominant. That would include:

39 minutes ago, Callum Meriman said:

 

  • Get your avatar looking good. Mesh head and body
  • Learn SL movement, camera, etc.
  • Add a photo to your profile.
  • Add text to your profile.
  • Learn to use the basic parts of collar your sub will be most likely wearing.
  • Learn to use/control the devices your sub will most likely want you to use on them.
  • Rent/Buy land and set up your lair.

 

 

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On 5/4/2017 at 5:55 PM, Rhonda Huntress said:

... By giving up control you gain freedom. ...
 

I grabbed just that phrase out of your post Rhonda because I wanted to express a thought from the other side of that equation. (And yes, it is an equation, not just a complex formula.)

By receiving control the Dominant also gains freedom. Stop and think about the Dominant mindset. It is often earmarked by a self-assuredness of purpose and opinion. Not stuffy or pretentious, just confident and assured. The Dominant is often one who can and does offer to stand out front of the pack, contribute opinions in a positive but not heavy-handed manner, and that is more than often willing to take the blame for a group fault not directly his/her own.

But as you point out, society and relationships are messy. There is all too often a great unspoken assumption about "how things are". Since it is unspoken, the parties involved also usually disagree with each other, sometimes on some rather important and foundational things. You raised the point about who earns money and who pays the bills. In this day and age, who earns the money is often "both of you". So does that also mean that both of you are responsible for paying the bills too? Until the subject is broached and a solution is reached, it can lead to some very nasty consequences.

When a submissive surrenders control, that alleviates the Dominant from having to face any of those unspoken assumptions. As you properly point out, a good healthy D/s or Power Exchange relationship does involve a lot of communication. In BOTH directions too. But to wander back to my point, having had those conversations and having reached an understanding of "how things are", the Dominant is released from the confusing and often detrimental assumptions. It is freeing in a very big way. Thus I would argue that a good PX relationship gives freedom to both. And perhaps that is why so many seek an above-board fully communicative Power Exchange relationship.

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6 hours ago, Callum Meriman said:
  • Get your avatar looking good. Mesh head and body

While the rest of those statements have some serious truth to them, I wonder about that one.

Didn't we have multiple threads here lately where the common opinion was swinging into the direction of "you don't need both a mesh body and a mesh head to look good" and that your classic system avatar could be just as enticing if you put enough care and thought into your looks?

However, a true classic system avatar, that is. A two days old avatar probably comes along in the premade mesh apperances, but well...

 

And to find likeminded and to answer your rental question, Brunhilde: take a day or two to browse the forums, explore some inworld groups focused on your preferences, perhaps you'll find meeting grounds for discussion groups and such. Most of all, take your time.

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1 hour ago, Lillith Hapmouche said:

While the rest of those statements have some serious truth to them, I wonder about that one.

You are 100% right. I should have left that part out.

What is important is that people step from the newb Linden avatars into one that expresses their style.

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Imagine knowing so well what your significant other likes to eat that s/he has agreed to let you pick the dinner menu every night. You no longer have to extend the "what would you like to eat" pleasantry, only to hear "oh, I don't care". And your SO doesn't have to put up with you endlessly asking that question. Also imagine that both of you really, really, really like to eat.

I have no idea what that explains, but there it is.

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3 hours ago, Lillith Hapmouche said:

While the rest of those statements have some serious truth to them, I wonder about that one.

Didn't we have multiple threads here lately where the common opinion was swinging into the direction of "you don't need both a mesh body and a mesh head to look good" and that your classic system avatar could be just as enticing if you put enough care and thought into your looks?

No, the classic SL avatar will never look half as good as a good mesh body and head. The animations are smoother, there are less jaggies, the textures are prettier, mesh bodies have shine like real skin (if properly configurated of course) and there's a million other little things. Don't forget that the SL avatar has what... 14 years now ? and probably 5000 times less polygons than a mesh avi. It simply cannot compete.

Edit: Another important point: Most major mesh bodies have plenty of outfits made for them for an absolutely perfect fit. This is another thing you struggle to get with non-mesh avis.

Edited by Mei Avril

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And?

It's a huge difference between telling new people "you cannot possibly look remotely good at all if you don't have a mesh body as well as a mesh head" and "hey, have a look at mesh bodies and mesh heads right from the start, they can help with a lot of flaws of that old system shape. But demo, demo, demo until you find what you like best".

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22 hours ago, Mei Avril said:

I agree with what you say, but it's not really truth saying you can be just as enticing with the standard body ^^

This totally depends on the people involved - the ones behind the keyboard.  Even after mesh bodies came along, before I had one, I was still constantly getting propositioned. While the ankles, feet, and wrist would make someone cringe, there are also ways to dress that minimize or hide those spots.  While you might not look like a model with a system avatar, you can still be very presentable and quite attractive to many people.

The only rule in SL about looks, likes, etc.. is that there is no rule.  There are just way too many people with various likes and dislikes.

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22 hours ago, Mei Avril said:

I agree with what you say, but it's not really truth saying you can be just as enticing with the standard body ^^

What I find enticing about my Dom, has absolutely nothing to do with his standard body.  It goes far deeper than that.

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13 minutes ago, Cindy Evanier said:

What I find enticing about my Dom, has absolutely nothing to do with his standard body.  It goes far deeper than that.

The most heady moments I had with my SL ex involved obscuring my SL view with the chat window.

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35 minutes ago, Cindy Evanier said:

What I find enticing about my Dom, has absolutely nothing to do with his standard body.  It goes far deeper than that.

 

18 minutes ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

The most heady moments I had with my SL ex involved obscuring my SL view with the chat window.

It is quite true that appearance can and does form a large part of the first impression. But it has been my experience that the truly powerful and intense relationships blast right past that first impression and rely instead of a constantly growing and evolving mental picture of our partner. IMO the most intense sensations come not from seeing neat stuff or even sexy stuff. They come from the inner eye .. the Imagination. Even the wide-open world of SL cannot begin to hold a candle to the limitless possibilities of the human imagination. And if you can tap into that, paint a picture rich with color and detail and desire?

Bob's yer uncle!

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39 minutes ago, Darrius Gothly said:

It is quite true that appearance can and does form a large part of the first impression.

First impression was 8 years ago that default 0 day noob with that blue striped t-shirt.  He made me laugh, he got my sense of s̶a̶r̶c̶a̶s̶m̶  humour.

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My opinion on this might not be a widely accepted one, but I am pretty confident in it, lol.

The reason we see so many bondage and sexual groups in online communities is because of the particular prevalence of a "community" known as "Gor" which is actually a sci-fi, fictional creation by men in order to create a fantastical world where women are enslaved. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gor

Gor first got going in 1966, but since then it's taken on a completely different direction, including in Second Life. 

More on the sub-cultures here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gorean_subculture. In fact, this Wikipedia page about Gorean subcultures and submissive cultures, in general, has an entire section devoted to Second Life. Important to note: 

Quote

Gorean subculture developed independent of Norman's involvement, particularly starting as a fan network after the publishing houses ceased printing new editions of the novels, allegedly due to the controversy and pressure from feminist circles, and Gor books went out of print in the late 1980s.[3] It does not have a uniform following but encompasses different groups of varying views and practices.

 

IMO, this single piece of sci-fi is the reason why so many women are today interested in such practices from the context of online communities. I don't get it, but this trend exists. 

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