Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 More and more I see people discussing being single in SL as if that's a bad thing. Are we bringing our RL perceptions about 'success' to bear on our SL experience? Surely if we (royal we) are already in an RL relationship and indeed married, it is a good thing to remain single and faithful in SL. Or is it that friendships/relationships in SL are so shallow and unimportant that they really don't matter? Is it better to be 'partnered' in SL - or at least 'spreading it about a bit' than it is to be single and apparently boring?This is an anti-spam thread :smileyhappy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venus Petrov Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 SL is all about 'Your world. Your imagination.' Single, in a relationship, partnered, SL married...all personal decisions and all 'right'. I do not distinguish between my RL and SL close friends. They all are special. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 I take your point Venus - friends to me are friends regardless of the world they inhabit. I was thinking less about friends and more about 'romantic liaisons' - or dating with benefits if you prefer. I know many people on SL partner for reasons that have nothing to do with sex or romance - convenience, business, warding potential admirers off etc. Those who do look for and enter SL relationships that within SL have all the attributes of an RL relationship - intimacy, sex, romance and companionship all twined together - does this mean that they are being unfaithful to their RL partner. If not does that mean that regardless of what they tell their SL partner - SL relationships are nothing to them apart from an imaginary/fantasy game and as such aren't worth even considering as 'relationships'? Or maybe I'm just being dense :smileyindifferent: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jo Yardley Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Single is not a bad thing in SL OR RL. I've never had a partner in SL, I'm just not into that kind of thing. I'm here for something a LOT more interesting then relationships, love, hanky panky or holding hands... History! Yay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marigold Devin Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 "Swingers" get me. Thinking of no less than three men I have met this last couple of weeks who have an SL partner, one has a RL wife too (allegedly) and they have been going through the women in SL like they are adding notches to their bedpost. Maybe because there are no points to accumulate in SL and they need to play a game, they are not acknowledging that the women behind those avatars are real people (and hopefully some of those women with whom they are playing their game are men in RL). It's certainly not black and white in SL is it? Personally speaking, I do not think being single in SL is a bad thing at all, but I do assume that if someone is partnered then they are single in RL, because that's how I am. I feel really strongly (and undoubtedly in some people's eyes wrongly) that you can't be having an intimate "sexual"/secret sharing partnership in SL while being married in RL. It is a betrayal of the RL partner. Of course there are those who say their RL partner are quite happy with them being with someone else in SL, but I do think that is generally because the RL partner doesn't have a clue what is going on in SL, they just think their partner is playing dolls house!! Anyway, I don't make the rules, the rules make themselves and it's each to their own. My own personal experience is that I am happy to be partnered with someone who feels like a soulmate, although quite strangely we spend more time interacting in real life than in SL, and I don't feel the need to say any more than that. My partnership with my lovely Janelle is private and personal to me. I dance with guys - I dance only. If they think they're gonna get any more, then they learn very quickly that I won't be a notch on their virtual bedpost! Strangely, though, someone recently thought, because Janelle doesn't login to SL very often, and I seemed a little bothered by this at the time, that I would perhaps consider unpartnering her to partner them. I'm not like that. It's not musical partner-box for me, and I don't take being partnered to someone so lightly. Undoubtedly my ramble is indicative of how messed up my head is about this particular topic. I just don't think the human brain is totally equipped to deal with how "living" in a virtual world can become quite all-consuming at times, feeding delusions and mental illness also. Ohhhh tooooo heavy. :smileysad: I'm off out for some botox now. Been frowning too much while typing this wall of text!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Hi Marigold, actually I'm pretty much in agreement with all you say - for me having an RL partner/husband/wife/whatever would rule out entering into an intimate relationship in SL - but that's probably because I can't seem to switch off from seeing 'avatars' as the actual people who type the text. For me people are people and I try to treat people in SL much as I would if I met them in the same circumstances in RL. In RL I am single (guess there's not enough crazy people about) and I'm also single in SL - I've yet to meet anyone who could change that - there's too many 'RL is RL and SL is SL' for my liking to get that close to someone again. (Did it once - it was wonderful but ultimately fiction - so why do it again). But you are also right in saying we don't write the moral code for other people - each must decide for themselves what they believe to be 'right'. I'm just interested in how people 'see' SL and the people they meet here. I cherish friends in RL and anywhere else - I see no real difference between people I have met in SL. IRC or the local pub. The timescales involved in making that friendship may be a bit different but the end result is the same. Best wishes to you and Janelle you seem to have a great relationship - hats off to both of you :smileyhappy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 So... is that 'good or bad' ??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda Brynner Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Well being married is SL i am done with since 3 years already actually. I suppose it can be exciting to partner as a newb because of all the exclusive attention you get.However after a 1/2 year or so it really had become very boring because SL is so terribly limited. After i finally met my prince in RL partnering in SL would really feel like being disloyal, i couldn't do it. Perhaps it is because i see SL as a parallel playworld to RL really. I am not much of a dreamer. I do like the graphics, 3D creation and the funny bits of SL. I can't find any reason to partner in SL actually. However, SL is different for everybody i suppose. In RL love never gets boring to me because of all the really touchy things we actually can do LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 *Contemplates the reality of being old, crazy, cranky and boring - in both worlds... Actually it's not that bad at all :smileywink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 *Stacks Linda up with the 'Having a relationship in both RL and SL is akin to cheating' side... if that's ok with you :smileyhappy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evangeline Twist Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I am single in SL and married in RL. I did have a partner in SL for a couple weeks but I was departnered when I did not log in for a few days. It didn't really matter to me though because it's to me it was just a fantasy. I never asked where they lived or how old they were or even what time zone they were in. I don't really know if it was really a guy in RL, nor do I care. I mainly just shop and create looks for my avatar but occasionally I like to go dancing, so it was nice having someone to dance with. I understand some people come to SL looking for companionship for RL but I am not one of them and I think it is just fine to be single in SL. I have come across people who right away want to know my age, sex and to see a RL photo of me but I always ask why? I don't plan on meeting you in RL or anything close to that. I don't know if I am sounding shallow but I do not come to SL to talk about my RL. It's a creative outlet for me and sometimes I enjoy company but most of the time I am alone. I also play WoW and LOTRO and I never ask anyone I meet there questions about RL. I log in and do my stuff and log out, just like SL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 I like your honesty and I guess for me that's the real issue - are people being honest or are they decieving others? Like I said above I have no intention to try and shove my moral code on other people I'm just fascinated by how people think of SL and the people they meet here. For many the RL is RL thing really is their mantra and to me, at this stage, that means that although they may be nice people they treat SL and whoever they meet there like a fantasy with no real impact on life as it were. Honesty is good even if it's an honest no :smileyhappy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dillon Levenque Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Mags Indigo wrote: For many the RL is RL thing really is their mantra and to me, at this stage, that means that although they may be nice people they treat SL and whoever they meet there like a fantasy with no real impact on life as it were. Honesty is good even if it's an honest no :smileyhappy: I'm an RL is RL person, totally so. But I don't by any means think relationships here are a meaningless fantasy. I do think that having an RL relationship and indulging in same in SL is cheating. Might be pretty painless, but nonetheless it is something not shared with the RL partner. I am permanently partnered in RL. I am single in SL in that I've never had nor really thought about having a partner. Doesn't mean I haven't thought about having some rather serious relationships. In my defense I'm at least honest about it in SL. Nothing in SL is ever going to move to RL for me. Does that mean I'm only half bad? Probably not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Ack - we're all lucky if we're only half bad. Really though it's not about the way people use SL - it's about they way the use the people in SL. You're honest Dillon and that's as good as it gets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinn Morani Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Add me to the column of those who choose to remain faithful to their RL spouse. It may seem easy to brush off what you see on the screen as only being virtual, but SL is heady stuff and the emotional intimacy shared with the person behind the avatar can be very real. I don't want to share that with anyone but Zeke. For me, I want my SL to be something I can share with Zeke on the very rare occasions he logs in, not something I would feel compelled to hide from him. And oddly enough, I may be partnerless during most of my SL logins, but I am hardly ever alone. I have good friends who are important to me. I am never bored. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 I completely get you Quinn... ... but those people who do have an RL partner and choose to 'raomance' in SL even given their RL partner/spouse knows and doesn't care... are they still being 'unfaithful' - to their SL partner??? I find humans and the things we do intriguing - I also love the reasoning we can use to justify things we want to do. (Mags is an oddball). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinn Morani Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 That's a good question, Mags, and not one that is cleanly answered. It's easy for me to say I'm faithful to Zeke when we have a strong foundation to our relationship, but I'm not comfortable imposing my values on others when I don't know the specifics of their situation. Having had some candid conversations on this topic inworld with friends both male and female, I have to agree that people can get creative in how they justify their actions. But also as a result of those conversations I know that there are some RL situations I have a lot of empathy for. Regardless of the personal choices people make, I have the most respect for the ones who are honest about it. I think the lie is more harmful to a relationship than the infidelity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinn Morani Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Actually, on further reflection I feel compelled to take a little stronger stand on this. I said I'm not comfortable imposing my values on others and that's true, in the sense that I will never judge others for the choices they make. But as to the question of whether someone in an SL relationship is being unfaithful to their RL partner, I have to give my honest opinion as "yes" unless the RL partner knows about and consents to the SL relationship. And they are also being "unfaithful" to the SL partner if the SL partner is unaware of the person's RL marital/relationship status. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evangeline Twist Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I guess it depends on what you consider cheating. My RL husband often sits on his computer beside me playing his games and has no issues with me ballroom dancing or shopping with someone. I don't have a horrible marriage, I am very happy and I love my husband and love our life. I have asked my husband many times to make an avatar but he has no interest in SL whatsoever. He has seen me dancing and just laughs. In my opinion I do not think dancing and meeting people in SL is being unfaithful and I find it hard to understand those who do. Even if they are having sex in SL I do not consider it being unfaithful. Would you consider it cheating if your spouse was watching porn on the computer? I sure wouldn't. One of the video games my husband and I played in RL was called Fable 2 and in it my husband had multiple wives and I had multiple husbands but never would we consider it cheating, I even killed a few of them..lol Sorry, I hope I did not offend anyone with my post, I am just giving my opinion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinn Morani Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Evangeline, that's the beauty of a forum like this—we can all share our opinions and have meaningful discussion about them. You make a good point that it depends what you consider cheating. Ultimately, everyone has to consult their own conscience as to what constitutes crossing the line. There was thread a while back (I think on the old forum) about whether dancing with someone in SL might be considered cheating, and I believe the general consensus was that it depends on the intent. Dancing or shopping—or even good-natured flirting—in and of themselves are social, harmless fun. Heck, even I have done that, in both SL and RL. In fact one of my RL very best friends is a male I've known most of my life, and Zeke is very included in that friendship. They gray area is when such relationships start to become more than just friendship. When you treat it as an exclusive relationship, when you hide it from your RL spouse or partner, when sex is involved, then I'd consider it being unfaithful. Regarding your question specifically about porn, in my opinion, the difference between porn and an SL relationship is that in SL, another very real person is involved. You are spending time building a connection with a person who is also building a connection with you. It's a two-way relationship, as opposed to a one-way outlet. Now, having said all that, it's all only my opinion. And if there is one thing SL has in spades, it's a rich diversity of opinions. It's not at all my place to tell anyone else how to live their SL, and in fact I love the education that I receive from hanging out with people who see things differently than I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Hickman Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Mags Indigo wrote: I was thinking less about friends and more about 'romantic liaisons' - or dating with benefits if you prefer. I know many people on SL partner for reasons that have nothing to do with sex or romance - convenience, business, warding potential admirers off etc. Those who do look for and enter SL relationships that within SL have all the attributes of an RL relationship - intimacy, sex, romance and companionship all twined together - does this mean that they are being unfaithful to their RL partner. If not does that mean that regardless of what they tell their SL partner - SL relationships are nothing to them apart from an imaginary/fantasy game and as such aren't worth even considering as 'relationships'? As usual, I'm the gray area that pushes the boundaries, and in this case it's no different. I'm firmly committed in RL to my BF, and grounded to him is where my true deep feelings stay. That said, I do date and fool around in SL, but it's never anything more serious than a strong friendship and sex. I've found over time in SL that I have no problems with conflicting interests or emotions, and no overlapping relationship territory as long as I leave the romance out of my SL. Everything other than the really mushy stuff is platonic or pure entertainment, and the BF agrees it doesn't pose any more problems for us than his little internet pr0n habit lol. He knows what I do, and I know what he does, and our consensual agreement is about honesty and respect for personal space, and it works for us. In SL, anyone that I might get involved with fully knows up front, in no uncertain terms, that I'm not going to be "falling in love" with anyone and not to expect much romantic pillow talk type stuff... everything else is cool though. Even though it may be a bit handicapped on the romance side, it certainly qualifies as a real relationship, just one that's kept on the exciting fun side. It's the same as any other relationship is with a few extra limitations, and so it carries the same weight and importance for me. Consequently, the typical type of person I might get involved with isn't the regular "RL single and looking for love" type.. they're usually married or have a GF of some sort. Since I know there'll be no emotional cheating going on with me, and physical cheating is pretty much an impossibility, I don't pay it an aweful lot of worry. I will bail on someone if they lead me to suspect they're hiding or lying about it to someone in their RL, like a spouse or something, because that's just not cool. Mostly though, I believe those kinds of RL things are their responsibility to handle... Openly and honestly like I have, or take the full beating if they get themself in hot water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Danube Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 On the subject of Marital Fidelity .. I have nothing much other than to say that I think Quinn has spoken everything there is I need to say. To bring the subject of the OP back again: Being single is the best thing ones can ever experience. I questioned myself many many times why I'm still single? Then I figured out, I can't be with someone if I am not ready to take the responsibility to care the well being of that person. It involves a whole lot of self sacrifices and understanding. People who want to be with someone so they can be 'taken' care of.. will realize that they can't just sit around (like when they were single ) in order for the relationship to work. This is the part where relationship failed and the both are left feeling dissapointed, hopeless and even more alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 Hmmm lots and lots of comments... as the discussion has progressed I feel the 'issue' that I'm finding most intriguing is the one of... Is lying to an SL girlfriend/boyfriend/partner about your status in RL actually a form of cheating - not in RL presuming your RL partner/whatever is aware and doesn't mind - but to your SL 'companion'. Now I'm not talking about straight RP, or 'just friends' - I mean getting involved with someone in SL in an intimate, sharing secrets, getting all romantic sort of way. Quinn has answered really well as she usually does - esp regarding the 'porn is like SL sex' thing... imo. And btw this is not making judgments on anyone or how they choose to live their SL or RL lives... What I'm most interested in is how people in SL 'really' see the people they share pixel space with - as mere playbuddies not to be taken seriously, as real people but as we'll never meet them we can lie/cheat and it doesn't matter - or somewhere in between or different. Sometimes I wish I was able to express myself better - maybe after sleep I might manage. :smileyindifferent: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Indigo Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 I like being single in SL too, and I don't mind it in RL either :smileyhappy: I'm quite happy with my own company - which is not to say if I met someone 'really special' in either world that I wouldn't consider it... carefully :smileywink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pep1488303193 Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Mags asked: "Is lying to an SL girlfriend/boyfriend/partner about your status in RL actually a form of cheating?" Pep (replied: "If you believe anything anyone tells you in SL you are doomed to disappointment and drama; and you'll deserve every second of it.") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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