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sex expectations in SL


Irrek Oanomochi
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Obviously, all of us are here for different reasons. I've found many AVs have sexual expectations after having established similar interests, etc. or not even then. I have no interest in this aspect of SL -- yet it seems I'm facing forever indignant persons about this even though I make myself clear from the get-go. I wonder if that's seen as some kind of code for a challenge, etc. I'm triggered to post this because of two separate incidents that occurred within a week:  one in which I agreed to dance with another AV and then here came the too-soon too-personal questions that, when I declined to answer, resulted in being dumped in the couples dance without explanation and an apparent pouting pity-party from the other AV ensued without even an apology later. The next time I logged in I stumbled into an AV that, judging from "his" groups, was heavily into BDSM, rape roleplay, etc. I asked him a non-sex related question. He then apparently read my profile bio and asked WHY WHY WHY I wasn't into SL sex. When I made it clear I wasn't interested, I was barraged by this psychological freakshow of an AV with how I was "imposing" my standards on those that wanted virtual sex with me and, therefore, I had a narcissistic superiority complex because I refused to participate and let myself be raped, etc. WTF? I couldn't tell if this person thought I was so malleable that I'd give in after his psychological assessment of me, or if he was just trying to ***** with me (psychologically) and found the whole thing amusing. Yes, I blocked him . . .but wtf is it that others can't simply respect other's boundaries? I don't give a ***** if anyone else is in SL for virtual sex -- that's fine by me, however -- it's not my interest -- why is that so hard for others to respect? 

Edited by Irrek Oanomochi
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I agree, for me sex is a part of my SL, but not with every jerk who asks for it. I have found a large number of guys who seem to take the attitude that I have, by coming to SL, and creating an attractive avatar, somehow morally obligated myself to help them jerk off. Sorry guys that isn't my job. If we become good friends and if you demonstrate that sex is just a part of you SL, and not the sum total of it, then we might do the pixel humping thing, but please do not ask me if I came in RL, the answer is no, but I am going to lie to you, just like if we had had real sex and I faked it. Of course, that was then, now I am married in SL, so only he gets it now. I found it interesting that so many guys I hadn't heard from in months suddenly are hitting on me again when they learned I was taken.

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I think perhaps you need to look at other locales for your adventures. There are plenty of things to do including music and art and explorations where you won't run into those folks so much. Yes they are there (and possibly 15) so maturity doesn't always come with the package. Find some new interests and like-minded people will no doubt appear. 

Good luck. 

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31 minutes ago, Irrek Oanomochi said:

Obviously, all of are here for different reasons. I've found many AVs have sexual expectations after having established similar interests, etc. or not even then. I have no interest in this aspect of SL -- yet it seems I'm facing forever indignant persons about this even though I make myself clear from the get-go. I wonder if that's seen as some kind of code for a challenge, etc. I'm triggered to post this because of two separate incidents that occurred within a week:  one in which I agreed to dance with another AV and then here came the too-soon too-personal questions that, when I declined to answer, resulted in being dumped in the couples dance without explanation and an apparent pouting pity-party from the other AV ensued without even an apology later. The next time I logged in I stumbled into an AV that, judging from "his" groups, was heavily into BDSM, rape roleplay, etc. I asked him a non-sex related question. He then apparently read my profile bio and asked WHY WHY WHY I wasn't into SL sex. When I made it clear I wasn't interested, I was barraged by this psychological freakshow of an AV with how I was "imposing" my standards on those that wanted virtual sex with me and, therefore, I had a narcissistic superiority complex because I refused to participate and let myself be raped, etc. WTF? I couldn't tell if this person thought I was so malleable that I'd give in after his psychological assessment of me, or if he was just trying to ***** with me (psychologically) and found the whole thing amusing. Yes, I blocked him . . .but wtf is it that others can't simply respect other's boundaries? I don't give a ***** if anyone else is in SL for virtual sex -- that's fine by me, however -- it's not my interest -- why is that so hard for others to respect? 

 Its human failing coupled with "anonymity" that a virtual world provides. A lot of people really struggle with realising that not everyone has the same interests as them, and certain people act as rudely as they would like to in real life, but in real life they just would probably get a smack in the mouth!

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Yeah well... assuming this guy is 'into bdsm' from his groups is tricky...

See, there are groups in SL that sound like bdsm groups but generally are not, groups filled with "online only 50 shades of vanilla faux-dom/me bdsm wannabes".

They come in various flavours, depending on the other groups they have, some are just 'roleplayers' pretending (usually very badly) to be 'kinky people' they way they THINK kinky people act, based on seeing the trailer for the movie of the book 50 shades...

A lot of real bdsm people are more interested in bondage or restriction or fetish, than actual pixel sex or sexual emotes.

There is a hud you can get in SL, i tried one for 10 mins out of curiosity, a SIN Tracker.

Idea is that you enter your gender preference, and levels of interest in various things, a sort of kinky sex dating profile, and then you can search for compatible sin-tracker users via the hud, see a mini profile, contact them etc.

Theres an option to select your degree of severity for bdsm activities, most RL bdsm people would come in at lvl 2 or lvl 3, based off the level descriptions, but if you search sin-trackers database for those levels, you find a small number of dominant women and almost no dominant men, Searching for lvl 5 however "severe sado painmasters into death and torture", pulls up 95% of the 'dominant males' on the system, and 94.9 % of them read like 50 shades of vanilla wannabes.

There's a lot of these "I r natraly Dumbinant Masta in RL, an ur 2 cal me Sir" types floating around, don't take them seriously, mute, derender, walk away.
 

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My post is not really about BDSM or whether the person was "really" into it by classical definition or not. I have no concern with that per se and did not intend to imply such. It's about the AV not respecting boundaries and the curiosity of the psychology surrounding that. 

 

Edited by Irrek Oanomochi
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20 hours ago, Chic Aeon said:

I think perhaps you need to look at other locales for your adventures. There are plenty of things to do including music and art and explorations where you won't run into those folks so much. Yes they are there (and possibly 15) so maturity doesn't always come with the package. Find some new interests and like-minded people will no doubt appear. 

Good luck. 

This ^^^  I can't say I've never been propositioned by, turned down, and been insulted by an overly pushy character in SL, but it is extremely rare.  I am not sure where you hang out, but that behavior is not all there is in SL. Try some different locations.  I tend to stay in General and Moderate regions, but I have been to many Adult regions over the years and usually get treated respectfully.  You have something in your profile stating you are not here for slex.  I just say "No thank you." and people leave me alone.  That rare occasion when I get asked why, I tell them I am boring and have no imagination (not true - my imagination can be sparked one well worded sentence) or "I don't get excited by cartoon characters".

Find some other places to hang out and I bet you will find much nicer people.  Good luck!  :)

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17 minutes ago, Cinnamon Mistwood said:

This ^^^  I can't say I've never been propositioned by, turned down, and been insulted by an overly pushy character in SL, but it is extremely rare.  I am not sure where you hang out, but that behavior is not all there is in SL. Try some different locations.  I tend to stay in General and Moderate regions, but I have been to many Adult regions over the years and usually get treated respectfully.  You have something in your profile stating you are not here for slex.  I just say "No thank you." and people leave me alone.  That rare occasion when I get asked why, I tell them I am boring and have no imagination (not true - my imagination can be sparked one well worded sentence) or "I don't get excited by cartoon characters".

Find some other places to hang out and I bet you will find much nicer people.  Good luck!  :)

Yep. Though the behavior described by the OP happens, I find it easy to avoid. If I didn't find it easy to avoid, I'd find it easy to ignore. If I couldn't do either, I'd wait for Snugs to set me straight.

Now, as for not being excited by cartoon characters, I must disagree...

 

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I failed to make the context clear in the OP. This behavior didn't happen in a sim. It happened in chat. I'm aware that different sims have different "atmospheres". Specifically, I joined a psych group, opened its chat, asked if group was active or had any ongoing meetings, etc. Got a response from aforementioned AV. He asked why did I expect there would be meetings. I said the previous notice says there is a weekly meeting and it had a topic. Somehow the chatting them became about the topic of last week's meeting which was a sexual topic. It seemed somewhere at that point the AV noticed my RL bio, etc. and then started in on the WHY WHY WHY and how not letting someone have SLEX with me was because I had a narcissistic superiority complex. I participated in the chat because, obviously, I am interested in the psychology of SL so I did humor him a bit with restating my position on the matter (no pun intended LOL) -- to which he either found offense or pretended to find offense. I like your statement, Cinnamon, about simply not being turned on by cartoon sex. Because I'm not, either. I think this is what I might put in my bio. Why in the bio instead of just saying "no thank you"? Because it's clear from the get-go -- and I can dance or chat or participate in another activity with someone with less potential accusation that I "lead them on." Of course, if they still don't get it, I guess that's their trip. 

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16 minutes ago, Irrek Oanomochi said:

I like your statement, Cinnamon, about simply not being turned on by cartoon sex. Because I'm not, either. I think this is what I might put in my bio.

Notwithstanding my being turned on by the right kind of cartoon sex, I don't recommend dissing it in your bio. That just calls attention to behavior you should simply ignore, doesn't it?

Some of us (at least one of us) see "I don't tolerate drama" claims in profiles as inviting it. It's a bit of "methinks he protests too much".

Edited by Madelaine McMasters
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You've been a resident for a fair number of years.  This sort of thing happens and I'd expect someone with over 8 years inworld (unless, you took a long break, which happens) to have learned to manage unwelcome chat.  I'd say once it goes down a road you don't care to go, excuse yourself from the interaction and go elsewhere.  If they're persistent, block em.  I had a rather negative experience 7 years ago and blocking them and their alt did it for me.  Good luck!

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Venus, I stated I blocked the AV in the OP.   The question wasn't one of how to physically or actually deal with the intrusion AV so much as a psychological one at the end in which I ask "why is it so hard for others to respect another." in this regard. Perhaps a moot point but Marigold got it " Its human failing coupled with "anonymity" that a virtual world provides. A lot of people really struggle with realising that not everyone has the same interests as them, and certain people act as rudely as they would like to in real life, but in real life they just would probably get a smack in the mouth!"

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13 hours ago, Irrek Oanomochi said:

My post is not really about BDSM or whether the person was "really" into it by classical definition or not. I have no concern with that per se and did not intend to imply such. It's about the AV not respecting boundaries and the curiosity of the psychology surrounding that.


 

You kinda missed the point there... SL is a "world without limitations and boundries" etc.

See, you have Biiy Dweeb Nomates, 19 year old french-fry-salt-shaker operative at Colonel Mc Kings Arkansas Grilled Turky-Ham Nugget Burgers from Des Moines. He has the personality of a concussed haddock, the only place he's ever been is Des Moines (and he hasn't seen most of that, only the down rent sections).

Out there in FirstLife, he's a nobody, bad job, no money no girlfriend, no sex life, hardly any friends. In here it's different, in SecondLife, his $5 a week, gets him Premium, with a L$ stipend, and some extra cash off the Lindex, and a 512 on the Madlands, and he can be...

"Lord Sir Baron Damian von Crotchthrust-Primwaver, Supreme Pain-Master, and Grand High Warden of the *****-Hunting Lands of Eastern Gor-Bore!"

And he can strole around demanding that strangers suck his pink trouser prim, and telling everybody how sophisticated he is and how he is naturally dominant, and how all females are submissives, and females in SL who don't submit to him are probably "dudes with teh gay".

They don't have boundaries, they don't respect limits, they don't read profiles, or if they do they ignore them because they don't fit with the idiots world view.

Guys who will tell you that "subs can't be lesbians because their gender preference is chosen by their owner" and that "Mistresses cant own subs because they are female and thus slaves and slaves cant own property" and that "unowned slaves may be claimed by any Master". This isn't "BDSM Doctrine", this is "Billy Dweeb Nomates Doctrine".

By putting "not here for sex" in your profile, you offend their world view, and thus cannot possibly be real, as people like you don't actually exist obviously.

Manny of these dweebs are so used to "roleplaying" their digital cardboard cutout characters in MMO's surrounded by NPCs that they basically regard you, me and everyone around them in SecondLife *AS* NPCs, and no real gamer takes the feelings and desires of an NPC into account, right? They are not real, they don't matter, do what you want to them and in SecondLife it's LEGAL!

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha *twirls sinister waxed moustache* Kidnap, Rape, Kill, Cook, Eat, Make them Wear Plaid... No EVIL forbidden... Not like Des Moines.
 

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LMFAO yes, you make some great & hilarious points. But this is hardly my entire experience in SL & because I'm not a gamer, per se, I guess I obviously had a different framework and perspective - why I found it perplexing. Now, I'm really liking the idea of leaving the "no slex" comment because offending their world view seems quite appealing right now. However, it's not my wish to diss someone else's wishes or preferences in using SL as a vehicle for their sexuality -- only to make it clear what "flavor" of SL "gamer" I am so they can move on with their own agenda with like minds. Thanks for your hilarious write-up, it's made my day. 

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One’s profile is a chance to let others in SL know what one’s interests are. If one is not interested in sex, why make mention of that? It obviously does not deter fellows from attempting to get you to lift your pixel skirt, so to speak. In fact, I think it bruises their egos a mite ... surely she would have sex with ME because I am the sexiest cartoon since Bugs Bunny in drag seduced Elmer Fudd. As for all the psychobabble rationalization; when someone psychobabbles at you, giving it back to him and then muting him seems a  sound course of action. 

“Superiority complex comes with a good deal of grandiosity. Narcissism is more about feeling one is the center of the universe. The underlying reasons or causes of either is immaterial. However, since I do not boast in my profile about being THE BEST, THE GREATEST, most terrific SL celibate EVER, nor have I mentioned how superior I am because I have transcended the need or desire for cartoon pixel poking and faking orgasms while say, playing a game on my phone or doing my nails (interjecting the occasional “oh yes, baby yes!") while Mr Cheetos Stained Fingers *****s with one hand and chugs Mountain Dew held in his free hand, you have read much into my profile and twisted it about in a massive rationalization because you obviously cannot get laid in Second Life based on your personality and charm. Oh and joining a group for those interested in psychology in order to troll for bed partners and wow them with inane arguments is quite lame. Attempting to browbeat a woman into sex is not on most people’s list of ’turn ons’. ”

 Or, if you wish to be less long winded, you could respond with “gosh, I did not know it was a school holiday. I would suggest studying harder in that AP psychology course as it seems you haven’t a firm grasp of the subject.”

That being said, in general, people in SL who do not respect boundaries behave that way because they do not have to respect them. They ask intrusive questions because there are no RL consequences for bad manners.  
 

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Could be that the psych group guy may have been looking for someone to troll and took your 'no slex please' as his starting point. If it hadn't been there, he might have just found something else in your profile to start with instead. Those types though, will decide that they've won whatever you give them, so only play along if you're having fun with it too.

It's tempting to speculate on a connection between faux-Domming and aggressive trolling, but probably best not to do that without a proper psychological analysis of the bloke. ;)

As for sex expectations, it seems to me that some will log in only when they want to pixel-bump, which encourages them to think that if someone else is logged in, they're also wanting to pixel-bump. And the random chancer types, who spam other avs in hopes of getting lucky. In both cases, it's all about them, not the other person.

I like meeting new people and I like making things for my shop, so when random chancers persist in pretending that they want to be friends I invite them to my shop to see what I do. The ones who are sound might become real friends and the rest get to pretend to be interested in ancient art and history. :D Anyone who fancies that as a respite is welcome to pretend to be my building alt.... xD

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13 hours ago, Nikolai Warden said:

pixel poking and faking orgasms while say, playing a game on my phone or doing my nails (interjecting the occasional “oh yes, baby yes!")

Reminds me of the time some guy TPed out in the middle of sex, and left me alone on his yacht, because he discovered that I was simultaneously chatting an a group chat. The guy had serous Sugar Daddy potential, (this was back when I was looking for that sort of thing) playing with my phone might have been a better option.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This kinda goes back to "SL is different things to different people"

For some, its an anonymous cybersex hookup place, a game.

For others its like 3D Facebook.

Still others are seriously looking for the love of their life.

That's why its good to be clear on how YOU view it with potential partners.

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