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Want opinions about a "time share" idea among poly partners.


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Four partners and I'm one of them. Yay. Catch 22? Everyone's getting seen in a day and the one I'm with nods off a lot. Resulting in a lot of inactive time. Boo. Thinking about "2 day partner swapping" (2 days with a partner and then 2 days with another partner. Technically applies to them more then me since I have no other partners and the others could at least see each other). End goal is that everyone gets "two day time together". Then when the next two days come along those partners would swap with each other so no one's ever alone (Except me. I'd be alone I guess but it's "fair two day time" for each. At least I'll have a slot open for another).

Decided to make a short version. Note that short version might have gaps but it is the "general picture". Longer version is below.

 

 

So it's like this. There was a three way and now it's a four way because me becoming a pet. Which is no less serious then a mate in my case (which I have made clear. I'm accepted and cared for fully. yay). She (the owner/partner if you will) spends a lot of her time tired/nodding off on me because everyone is basically getting seen in the same day each day. Imagine it, three people to take care of AND a family. Plus time to herself AND a RL parent to deal with (got one myself but mine is less interrupting). I was feeling negleted recently and we had "the talk" and that went well. Both with me and the mates. We spend enough "time" together one on one but little of it is "active time". When she's with others the time seems to be more "active" because they have other "on the spot" interests (I myself have roleplay needs among other things but can only post with the closest of company). For my part I'd be fine with just lying around and making posts but it's been about a month of being her pet and very little actually happens. After "the talk" yesterday I'm no longer feeling negleted. But at the same time she's nodded off on me yet again (Honestly don't blame her but it is a bit of an issue and getting me down). So I'm thinking of ways how this might be fair and work for all. I'm also concerned about others being hard on themselves (or even on me). This brings us back to the idea I'm thinking about.

This is how it is before I got involved. X, Y, Z. With them being the letters. Unprepared for and unplanned it can go bad (I speak from first hand experience on this). Planned and prepared for it can go very good and very well. Got to make good things happen after all. Even when it comes to one on one. That's the main concern here, one on one time in equal and fair amounts for all (others as much as myself).

But now it's no longer X, Y, Z. There's now another letter. Let's say the one I'm with is the other letter and us three are X, Y, Z. With the other person being another letter.

My idea is as follows. Two days with X, Two days with Y, Two days with Z (or perhaps one). I'm keeping the idea to myself for now since we only just talked things out (I've even talked to the other mates one on one to enforce we're all here for each other and such, though not the idea yet). The goal of this is for each partner to be fully awake and aware when they are with each other. Less "Day to day" time on a whole but more "Extended time together" as a result (in other words a day or two of uninterupted time with a single partner in general and then switching to the other partner and repeating the pattern). Those three have each other and I currently don't have anyone to be with myself (but if I did it would also be time I could spend with another) so they'd still have company with the other partner even if I'm unable to do that myself (in that way), at this current point in time. I even get lonely very easily when I'm not around anyone (actively). Even sad. But if "Longer time spent away" results in "More active (and in a way even lazy/inactive as well. The mix of things) time" together then that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. At least then more things would be happening. How the others will take the idea I have no idea (feels like too soon to bring it up right now). But where the "other letter" is concerned (My owner/their mate) it could help take some of the pressure off her day after day looking after all of us at once plus her family (Her/family time would be added as part of each "two days" with the partners. Obviously we won't be giving undevided attention all day). Maybe she can even get some decent sleep this way as well (I myself pull all nighters just in the hopes of active time). We're both having to fight our time zones (6 hour time difference) as well as other company that is involved. How she copes I have no idea.

Since I'm not a mind reader and need to talk to them all about the idea then asking whever it's a good or bad idea (which is subjective) would be pointless. People have different opinions. That said I want to put this idea out to other people to think about and challenge me on. And ask me questions about. I want to know if there's any flaws with the idea I've come up with (not that I did come up with it. Others actually do this too but you know what I mean). I want people to ask me questions and use logic and reasoning and ask me why "This part of the idea might need working on". I have concerns about "important things" but I still speak on those things when needed. But before I do I plan and prepare as best I can. Therefor I would like others to give me feedback and ask questions about the idea. Imagine if (theoretically) you was one of the people involved. And don't say "It would never happen" because I once thought that too (wasn't always poly). It's happened, you're there, how can you make it work out short of leaving/pushing someone away?

Obviously keep in mind that this is  poly related. But anyone is welcome as long as they can think on "the other side of the fence" as well (that applies to much more then just poly). Please give constructive feedback.

I'm also thinking about doing a two week "test run" first when I do eventually bring this idea to them (I'll likely run it by my owner first). If they all agree to it of course.

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I didn't read you long explaination but hopefully it was good for you to write it (that wasn't meant sarcastically; sometimes we just need to put thing down on paper).  But really?  Relationships shouldn't be on the clock, Poly or otherwise. Some folks will naturally have more afinity to one another than others. 

Pick your partners wisely and this time thing shouldn't be an issu. 

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I did read it, both explanations. I can understand where you are coming from, but I do have to ask one question and that is ...do you *really*(I mean this sincerely) beleive the relationship is going to work out when your desires for "time"(lack of better terminology on my part) do already not meet those who had an existing relationship before you were brought in? That's not a question I want you to answer to me, but yourself. 

No relationship, poly or otherwise, is ever going to meet all of your "time" desires...as long as it meets most of them, you shoudl be ok. But you do have to accept that sometimes, you're going to be left to your own devices, because others have things that may, or may not, take priority when you want to be that priority. Balance is key, and although I beleive that is where you are going with your plan there, I have a feeling it is going to backfire. If you are new to this relationship, you are already the odd man out, so to speak. So coming forth with ideas ot change a dynamic that worked really well without you there, may stir up waters that you don't want to stir. It might not, of course, but, you have to accept that it might(which I think you already know).

I would not personally ever involve myself in a relationship where I thought I was on a clock, so to speak. I do understand balance, very well, which is hy my partner and I have been together so long(sl and rl). We understand, and understood when it was still new, that distance, rl, etc...can make things a bit difficult at times. But, we had to balance things, and balance them well, plus accept that sometimes we couldn't be each others' priority at that very moment, no matter how much we wanted it. That might lead to some alone time, but that didn't change our dynamic, how we felt, the time we did have together. Of course now things are different after all of these years, but when it was new...it was rough water now and then for a bit. We learned to work through it and let go of some of our personal expectations so that we could have expectations together, as a couple, instead. And that, imo, is an important aspect of any relationship, whether poly or otherwise...your expectations may not be reasonable to others, but even if they are(at least now), that might change.

For someone that does not enjoy being alone too often, being in a relationship that will *absilutely require it at times, likely more frequent than a non-poly relationship, I think you are likely going to need to either find a hobby, or perhaps let go of a relationship that you cannot have...at the very least, your expectations of time spent together. It is the expectations that are throwing you off. THat may be a good indicator9and often is) when someone gets into a relationship that the specific type you are in, might not actually be for you. It might not be a good fit, no matter how much you want it. Maybe the dynamic doesn't meet your needs..and that's ok, it happens.

From what i read, you are the only one in this poly relationship that does not like the current dynamic. When that happens you can either sit down and chat with the others-hoping they see your view and want to make changes, or you can realize that what you want, isn't what they want, and cut your losses. Regardless of which choice you make, you're likly going to make some waves, so be ready for that to happen.

Poly relationships are different, they work differently than most others, the expectations and dynamic are NOT the same as one on one time. In fact, in most, there is no one on one time, regardless of what some might tell you. I have seen countless of them(rl, and sl, but a lot more in rl than sl), even grew up around them. It's no walk int he park and it is absolutely NOT the type of relationship for someone that wants more one on one time, or equal time spent with either one partner, or even all of them. It *never* works out with those expectations, as they are unreasonable. The relationships between two people, regardless of which two, in a poly relationship are NOT the same and never will be. That's simply impossible. THat may be part of the problem here..you are expecting that you are all equal, and you are not. This goes double for someone that is a pet in an exsting poly relationship..you are just not on the same level as everyone else, and they are not on the same level as you, or each other. That's humanly impossible. No two people are ever loved the exact same, cared for the exact same, or spend the exact same(or even remotely close) time with people in a poly relationship. That's one of the biggest downfalls of most of them...those quirky expectations. 

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Relationships shouldn't be on the clock, Poly or otherwise.

Ah, but it already is. That may be why there's a few bumps as it were. It wasn't my idea either, it was my owners idea to "put us on the clock" so to speak. As for "shouldn't" that's up for everyone to decide on a case by case bases. Time clocks can work for others. I do however think it might be an unwise approach to this situation. "Equal and fair time" is one thing. "Set times that can be unequal" is another.

Some folks will naturally have more afinity to one another than others.

Allow me to be clear here. There is no "more" here. Or less either. There's just "different". Both me and my owner and even the other mates involved (one of which was concerned about "more affinity". I had to reassure him NEITHER of us were lagging behind there. A fear we both shared among each other) are of the same mindset here. Regardless we talked things out and it's been established that I'm "as involved" (not involved in the same way but AS involved nonetheless). Technically I was even before that point. This is a "equally loved" polyship. Not one with ranks (None of us tolerate needing to approve of others either. Bad experiences on all sides). Everyone is loved in a different way of course but there's no "Alpha system" or anything like that.

The relationships between two people, regardless of which two, in a poly relationship are NOT the same and never will be.

I very much agree with "Between two people and how they feel for each other alone". Likewise I also keep in mind "It can affect others too".

In fact, in most, there is no one on one time

I think you misunderstood me. I'm fully aware of this. I would have thought that me being a pet that doesn't do the mate/relationship labels (I established I care as much as a mate does. It's a feelings regardless of labels thing) would have been an obvious indicator of that since the others are mates. As for balance try this. Other gets the "awake time" whereas I get the "nodding off" time. That's just simply imbalanced. As for others we obviously all hang around each other as well and we do get on (quite well in fact, I'm glad to say). But we each get one on one time as well. The simple fact of the matter is that everyone gets it AS WELL as "group time". We spend about an even mix of both. This will involve "cuddle time" as well as "naughty times" and so on. One on one is simply not the same as when you're in a group even when you do the same things either. For my part I don't even mind if others are naughty around me (approve if anything). The part of others though? Well everyone's different. And as such people will also be different when it comes to "one on one" and "groups". Some may favour one over another. For my part I don't mind "known groups" (the mates in this case) as long as I also get "one on one" and things remain balanced. Others are also getting one on one and group time. And I know for certain that other poly relationships have "one on one time" as well as group time. There's also "me time" to consider as well (sometimes shared, sometimes not). We all get "enough" of each. But then when it comes to nodding off... just feels like we could be swapping some of the time around if you know what I mean. In the interest of keeping things balanced. At least then it could happen to any of us. As well as likely not too.

There's also health to consider. With my owner keeping herself up on my account (and I honestly do appreciate that) it means she's going to lack more sleep. And she does have sleep apnea so it's down right crucial she gets enough of that so she'll stay healthy. That's part of the concern. That she actually has to stay up on my account (I'm in the later time clock of things). To be honest it's actually making me think I might have to "step out". Neither of us want that of course but health is health.

It's also just as important to make sure that everyone gets treated fairly (NOT equally). In the interest of ensuring that no one starts to "self blame". I'm actually speaking from first hand experience on that account. As well as second hand. That can end... quite badly.

Anyway, had some more talks. Rocky at first (with one of the mates. Fear+bad past makes people assume the worst of things) but then we powered through it and now things are all good and we're closer then ever. For now I'm just going to "play by ear". But I still need to have a plan in the works for if my owner is never awake enough to share time with me (or worse, if it affects her health. I actually let her sleep if she nods off on me unless ordered to wake her up).

I also tend to go along with what my owner decides for the most part. clearly I need to talk things out more with her (later on). At the same time I get concerned about "seeming blameful". Having had a bad history on that account it's probably what's holding me back more then anything. Surprsied I managed to talk things out at all really. More so that it's gone well. At least I seem to be good at it with known company.

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Alright, a lot of talking's been done. Things went well, but only after getting worse. I actually had a bit of a breakdown due to not getting one of the mates to understand something (fine now though). The main problem was one of my owners mates fearing the worst of things and acting like I was unreasonable (he wanted me to wear clothes to go to places with him. Basically I change for no one and no one should ever change to fit in. A naked ex that used him in the past didn't help). For example, he'd play the "I'll just go, have fun with her" and stuff. Well I wasn't having that. Yanked him back with a hooked cane and got it into his head that I'm not going to let him be left out of things and that he matters. He kinda has a low opinion of himself (big cause for concern there. Let's just say I have history). Ironically the way to get him to see reason was to inform him that it bothers me as much when people are left out then being left out myself. He also assumes overmuch (fearing the worst can do that) but I settled his fears there. Back to hugging things out. Owner managed to help settle things too as well as be here for us both. Help clearing up misunderstandings and the like. I had my own way of clearing things up too. The owner is not the same as other mates. Even if there are others that can be there for the mate they are not the same. Something he overlooked.

Tried talking to the same mate about the one day for each time idea (we're both on the most often along with the owner) but of course he assumed the worst there which is where I had to talk sense back into him. Fearin conflict is one thing but letting fear get the best of you and never talking things out becasue of it is another. Was trying to talk to him about it before the owner since it is something that will affect him if the idea becomes a reality. For now I'll save it as something to bring up with the owner first. She's getting her sleeping pattern back in order but didn't have me to stay up for before and her sleep apena is cause for concern. For now we've agreed to see how things go in the next 2-4 weeks and see if we need to work on that later.

 

Also talked briefly about RL with the mate. Owner's male for him on SL. Female IRL. Obviously this complicates things. They can still be on SL even if living together though (some people do that). He's concerned that it might subtract from SL. Lacking breasts and having a **bleep** when with him I can understand why. Eventually RL is going to happen (with me and my owner that is) and I'd rather have him involved then not. Regardless of how I get on with him. But maybe they'll get the most out of things on SL. Sometimes it is more preferable then RL. Not preferable for me (though I do make online work as well as RL) but certainly for others. Anyone that acts like RL as Superior doesn't know what they're talking about. That said if RL isn't given a chance (much like how many people don't give online a real chance) then it can remain an unknown factor. Wherever RL with the owner or not is for the mate to decide. Things are in the unsure area there. For him that is.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...
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I've been part of a Poly Family before, and it worked best when we structured it the least.

Poly works when -everyone- wants to participate and has access-times that work for all the members.  Our Family had one member who was on mostly in the US morning-to lunch timeframe, Me; who was on in lunch-to-afternoon and a Third who was on noon-to-evening. We all over-lapped at mid-day and  had two or three "couples" slots on any given day; so no one was routinely left out. 

I loved it and we lasted for about three years until one of us passed in RL. I miss it :-)

Edited by Suzanne Weir
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