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Marisa Paule

Reporting Abuse II

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Thanks to all of you who responded to my first posting. Your replies were helpful in clarifying my own thoughts and feelings on this topic.

Lesson 1: Never write a post when you are still angry and upset about your stalker literally moving you out of your own bed while having sex in your own home.

Lesson 2. Always draft in a Word document first and check your spelling and grammar before posting.

 Imnotgoing Sideways: I am happy that you have had such positive experiences with the abuse reporting system. My friends and I have not had similar positive experiences when it comes to stalking and other forms of systematic targeted harassment. You were correct in writing that I should have received email acknowledgements of my abuse reports. What I should have written is that I never received a follow-on email asking for more information, providing a summary of actions taken, or informing me that Linden Labs, as a matter of policy, does not get involved in personal disputes. If that is true, then when a resident reports stalking or systematic targeted harassment, Linden Labs should respond with an email stating that policy and offering to the resident some useful suggestions for how to resolve the dispute, as some of the forumites have done for me in this forum. Not only will such information be useful, but it will cut down on useless abuse reports about personal disputes. LL should also post this information for abused residents on their web site.

Madelaine McMasters: You are correct. I lost track of time and wrote down the wrong year. This systemic harassment has continued for 35 months, not 23, since September 2013. Either way, it has been a very long time. You are also correct about me rewarding his misbehavior. When Linden Labs took no action, and he scoffed at my attempt to get the TOS enforced, and his harassment at public sims and at my home continued, I did reward him. I got angry at him in IM, I tried to reason with him, I tried to negotiate with him, I did other things to placate him that I now regret and am not proud of doing. Desperate people do desperate things to preserve their lifestyle, a fact seemingly lost by some of the more dismissive forumites. All that stopped after July 18, when he boasted to me about forcing me from my home, which he had; my partner and I no longer felt safe in it and we used the house mostly as a landing point. I have been ignoring him ever since July 18. With the help of my landlord, I moved to another region that day. No new pick, no new group. Only four people knew about the new land: my partner and I, the landlord, and her chief landscaper. My stalker found my new home on July 26. You and others wrote that my claims are not technically feasible. Three years ago, I would have agreed with you, but somehow, my stalker has an uncanny ability to locate me and track my movements. I cannot explain how, but he does.

Alwin Alcott: Thank you for your suggestions. I have blocked, derendered, and/or banned over 50 alternates. My stalker creates new ones almost as fast.  I have aoviided my favorite sims and found new ones; he tracks me to them, and then I find new sims, in a horrible game of hide and seek. I have avoided making new picks and I have hidden groups until he finds them anyway. I have all the proper land settings; he hovers on the periphery at a height of 50+ meters, just beyond my land borders, and takes control of door, radio, and furniture menus to harass me. I have countered by changing menu options to Group only. You and others will tell me this is technically infeasible, but he somehow can change the menu settings on some of the items back to All. Alternatively, they spontaneously or in reaction to some other trigger, reset themselves to All. Perhaps they reset when I moved, but when I went through my house last night, about half my furniture was no longer set on Group. I can’t explain it, I am only stating facts. Public sims are another matter. Owners don’t want to be bothered banning my stalker when another alt appears five minutes later. Their furniture generally has to stay set for All, unless the sim is restricted to group members. Perhaps you expect me to stop visiting public sims in order to avoid the stalker, but I will not surrender my freedom to go wherever I want in SL. That would make me a victim, not a fighter.

Freya: I don’t consider myself a victim in the sense you are using the term. Sure, I am on the receiving end of harassment, and legally we use the term victim to describe such recipients, but only rarely do I feel victimized psychologically, usually after a major tactical loss in the continuing struggle against my stalker. I consider myself a fighter who has won more battles than I have lost. I have successfully countered all his moves at home, but public sims are still problematic. I take personal responsibility for rewarding him long after I should have stopped. And I am very encouraged by all the help I have received, not only from forumites, but also from technical experts who continue to teach me new countermeasures I will not reveal in a public forum.

Perrie Juran: You are right. Looking back, I should have ignored him from the start. But at the time, I did not realize what a despicable creature my stalker is. I had also seen his good side, and I thought we could work things out. I was so wrong, but it took me some time to realize it. I know, I know, battered wife syndrome. I should have known better.

Once again, thanks to all of you who contributed to this journey of self-discovery. i welcome any other thoughts you might have on the subject.

 

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They're saying it's not possible for him to change the menus, because it's not.

No way around that.

Change stuff to group only.

He can't change anything.

From a scripting point it's not possible for him to change things.

If you're using public furniture set to all, anyone can change it.

Don't use public furniture, problem solved.

Ever consider your partner isn't who he says he is?

Btdt, learned the hard way.

If you really limit knowledge of your local, then it's one of the ones knows telling him.

Annoying as it is, your own circle of info is the culprit if it's not you.

Even best griefers aren't that good at stalking.

 

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Didn't really need a new thread started. However, my thoughts.

1) Understand that the lab will not change. There are privacy issues involved that will stop them telling you what they do to the person. But they do action abuse reports that are properly filled out and not hysterical. I have seen it in action.

2) People who cross the line are ID0 banned. This is better than a mere IP ban, because IP addresses can be changed trivially. The ID0 is a fingerprint of the person's computer and tied to payment info. When the lab ban an ID0 then all people with the same fingerprint and the same payment info will go too. But of course, there are ways around this, changing one's NIC or HDD - using a different computer - not being payment verified.

3) Witness protection sadly would allow griefers themselves to become unknowns again. There is good and bad in that idea.

 

When push comes to shove, like all griefers, the person harrassing you is enjoying your reaction. And like all griefers the only way to stop them is to make them bored.

While taking a short 2 month holiday in an Alt is one option, you ruled that out because you didn't think you should. Really, it would be good, and you should consideer a short holiday in one.

 

So, what other steps can you take?

 

Can I suggest you get a homestead, or a 1/4 homestead (which is about the price of a 4096 block) and set it to allow access to payment info on file only. This will ensure that he can't get it. Yes, it will cost money, but it will give you peace. You must get off the mainland.

Even if you can't afford the US$20 a month for a 1/4 homestead then I suggest you move onto estate land and not be on mainland. And that you have a talk to your landlord and ask for an estate ban on all the alts you know. Yes, he can make new alts, but you can frustrate him a little.

 

How is he finding you?

*searches your name and the penny drops* ahhhhhh I see. A (quote) "boyfriend" (quote)

Your picks. They give away so much. It doesn't take long to find someone through their picks. Even if you went and put in a bunch of Linden's homes all he needs to do is go to each sex club in search at a time he knows you are are working and he will find you.

Then of course, it's easy to mess up your latest customer.

Again, a 1/4 homestead is the way past this, or a full if you are good at your job and can support the L$6500 a week they cost.

But really, you need to alt for a few months and make him bored.

 

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Marisa Paule wrote:

Thanks to all of you who responded to my first posting. Your replies were helpful in clarifying my own thoughts and feelings on this topic.

Lesson 1: Never write a post when you are still angry and upset about your stalker literally moving you out of your own bed while having sex in your own home.

Just getting out of my own bed in the morning can sometimes anger me, getting kicked out of it would definitely do that. But, as we've both learned, that's not the time to write a missive online.

Lesson 2. Always draft in a Word document first and check your spelling and grammar before posting.

You needn't use Word, the forum has a spellchecker, and it doesn't leave you open to pasting text in a huge font that'll have everybody thinking you're seeking attention. ;-).

Madelaine McMasters: You and others wrote that my claims are not technically feasible. Three years ago, I would have agreed with you, but somehow, my stalker has an uncanny ability to locate me and track my movements. I cannot explain how, but he does.

Marisa,

I could be wrong about the technical feasibility of tracking in SL, but that's the sort of vulnerability that should result in a lot more reported cases of exploitation. It's unfortunate that your recent efforts haven't yet resulted in your escaping the stalker. I still think there's an overlooked leak in your particular way of living online. Unfortunately, you're the one who has to question your own methods and the trustworthiness of those around you. I hope that leads you to be more knowledgeable, not more cynical.

I don't doubt that your stalker's abilities seem uncanny. It took me nearly a decade of watching a local magician's annual Halloween show to finally unravel most of his tricks in real-time. Well, it took fewer years than that, but nobody believed the stories I told about what had actually happened on stage until I forced one of them to look exactly where I pointed, and to ignore all the interesting things that were happening elsewhere. It took, I think, three years before she saw what I'd been watching. Her exclamation of "OMG, I can't believe he was standing there the entire time" finally vindicated my contention that magicians need our unwitting participation.

My appreciation for that magician's skills hasn't been diminished one bit by my understanding of his methods. He works hard at his craft and it shows, I thank him every year for bringing me something new to catch him at, and then try to catch him at it.

I truly hope you escape your harasser, armed with new tools to keep you safer going forward.

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I'm sorry you have this problem.  I know it can be maddening and at times embarrassing.  

Just a few thoughts.

There is a spell checker on the Rich Text tab of the reply box.  Just use that.  You write pretty well and I have no problem understanding you, so I don't think a grammar checker is needed.  Nobody is going to nit pic grammar if we understand your post, unless they are a troll you can just ignore.

I also want to reinforce the derender/block/ban solution does work.  I know from personal experience.  Just don't ever accept anything from him or it will unblock him.  I also agree that you don't need to change to an alt.  I have had a few times in SL when all my friends told me to do that to avoid unpleasantness, but I never have.  Why give up 'you' for some idiot?  Just take the excellent advice you have received and stick to it and I can assure you bad times will pass probably faster than you think they will.

As suggested, set all your scripted objects such as furniture, doors and windows etc. to group only or use an access list if that is an option.  If you don't have either option, you can either get replacement scripts that have these options you can use if you have mod rights, or you should consider replacing the items.  Then create a group and deed or set your land to it and invite any room mates or partner to the group.  Note never make anyone else the owner of a group, except your own alt, because you can't kick them out.  Instead create rolls in the group.  You can give any roll full rights if you wish, but if something goes wrong you can kick them out.

Using the payment info on file option may work, but all he has to do is add payment info.  Sell passes may work too if you make the cost very high and the time as short as you can.  If he's really determined though he may be willing to pay for a pass.  Note that you have to have permission to use ban lines if you are on a private estate (check covenant) and that you can add friends to the access list in the Parcel Details (AKA About Land depending on viewer) who can enter at all times without having payment info or having to pay for a pass.  It may be more trouble that it's worth, but you have to decide that.

I agree that your profile gives way too much information out about you.  I'd eliminate all the picks of places you go (and change where you go for a while) and never divulge to anyone you don't thoroughly trust where your SL home is or even anything about your SL that will help locate you.  You can always rent a cheap place for bringing people you aren't sure of, if you want privacy.  (You can find one room furnished skyboxes really cheap.)  Alternatively you can just go or meet at public places too.

 

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In terms of being able to find you... a few months ago someone sold a Find-a-friend HUD on MP. There was some discussion (https://community.secondlife.com/t5/General-Discussion-Forum/FindYourFriend-HUD/m-p/3025805/highlight/true#M224737) on the forum as to how it worked. I did try it and found it accurate. 

So I believe there is a way to track people. I can no longer find the HUD on MP. When I'm next inworld, I will try to see if it still works.

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Marisa Paule wrote:

 Freya: I don’t consider myself a victim in the sense you are using the term.

Good. Great! :)

This can be a very trying situation, but it could be much worse. As long as you keep taking safe actions, keep listening to sensible advice, and remember to emphasise the ways you can still improve your own wellbeing, you'll get there in the end. I know my posts take odd turns, but I'm encouraged by hearing your perspective.

My advice to you (I don't think I've given any directly) would be to investigate the RL laws surrounding you and your ex, and if relevant contact law enforcement - you may even have done this already. Many jurisdictions have laws against stalking and cyberbullying, and they can help create or enforce protection or restraint orders. If this case is negatively affecting your real life (and it sounds like it probably is) then at least registering this issue with your local force can allow officers to keep an eye on the situation and help related services to provide support that could help. Most importantly, don't suffer alone.

I wish you the best of luck. :)

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Emma Krokus wrote:

In terms of being able to find you... a few months ago someone sold a Find-a-friend HUD on MP. There was some discussion (
) on the forum as to how it worked. I did try it and found it accurate. 

So I believe there is a way to track people. I can no longer find the HUD on MP. When I'm next inworld, I will try to see if it still works.

It no longer appear to work.

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Callum Meriman wrote:

Didn't really need a new thread started. 

 

 

oh yes it WAS necessary, believe me. and hey writing so  much about him here will encourage him too.  

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