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15peter20

Can I really be reported for this?

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15peter20 wrote:

I am male in r/l but have been playing a female character on SL for the past two years. I got into a text-only r/ship with a real man/male avatar on SL which was interesting to RP, mostly as an experiment to see whay people in SL get up to.

Reading this, I must assume that this relationship was an SL only deal from the beginning.  As long as you made that perfectly clear to this guy beforehand, you've done absolutely nothing wrong... morally or otherwise.

I'm not surprised that some people are being highly judgmental toward you... claiming you've been deceptive and such.  But the truth of the matter is that, once you make the distinction that SL is SL and RL is RL, it's simply none of the other person's business what gender you are in RL.

If it mattered so much to this person that your real gender matched your avatar's gender, they should have made that clear from the start.  In which case, they are the one to blame for not doing so and conducting themselves according to their own erroneous assumption.

...Dres

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Bobbie Faulds wrote:

I have a feeling that some of those trying to shame the OP weren't here in the hey day of escorts when about 80% of them were males behind the female avis. It's nothing new. If you want to be in a RL relationship, SL isn't Match.com or Eharmony. You need to go there and look rather than in SL.

 

Maybe some, but definitely not all - junior.

Not that it makes any difference whatsoever. You can be one day old in SL, and still recognise the shamefulness of what he did. You don't even need to be in SL to know that such willful deceptions are despicable.

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Wilful? SL is, for many people, one big cosplay. If you want more than that, you need to let whoever you're getting with that you make no distinction between your SL and your RL. In SL I have alts where I'm a redheaded witch, a vampire, a revenant like The Crow, and a neko, among others. In RL I'm not any of them. I tried some BDSM but the people I met wanted to get into my RL. I put my foot down and left. 

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Staralien wrote:

This is so sad. I agree with Phil and Darius. I really feel for that poor man. I hope he doesn't end up needing therapy. In that case, you should consider paying for it. Deception is never OK, no matter what it may be. If you are going to RP, in my opinion, you should have been up front about it. There are enough people in SL that would be OK with it, so you could have easily moved on to another when realizing this poor gentleman wasn't. 

It seems to me that to get to the point I'd need therapy after a revelation such as the OP's would require a significant amount of self deception. I'm actually a big fan of helpful self deception, though I'm not always smart enough to reliably distinguish it from the unhelpful kind. When it goes wrong, I own my culpability. Surely anyone entering a relationship here allows for the possibility that the inherent anonymity of SL opens the barn doors for deception.

While I have some sympathy for the "poor man", there's a limit.

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Was metaphorical and not actual violence. One can be hit on an emotional level. My partner is not into violence and niether am i.

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steph Arnott wrote:

I have no idea what this means "Wilful?" TYPO

All i said was "so true" so at a loss on all that.

Pointing out typos in other posts?  /me laughs

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Phil Deakins wrote:

You have your answer now, so I'm not going to add another to it. What I am going to say is that you should never have got into such a relationship for your own personal ends. You did it as an experiment to see what people get up to in SL, and that was
very
wrong and self-centred.

It's written in many profiles that there are real people with real feelings behind the avatars. That's perfectly true, and you knew it when you embarked on your own selfish experiment. You really should be banned for life! That's not going to happen, but I truly wish it would. You had 2 whole years to realise how wrong it was. In that 2 years, you could have backed out, having had more than enough time to see what people get up to in SL But you were too self-centred to do that. Even at the end, you didn't have to own up. You could still have got out of it without affecting the other person in the way that you did.

There are many people who would take it with a pinch of salt, and that's fine. There are also many people who really do
not
want to become sexually aroused with someone of the same gender. Nobody should
ever
get into it like you did without at least some indication that the other person only sees the avatar and doesn't care who is at the keyboard.

It was a despicable thing to do, and you should be thoroughtly ashamed of yourself. But it doesn't look like you are. Your post was about your concern as to whether or not you might get banned, and showed no concern at all for the person you were so nasty to - and who quite possibly quit SL as a result of your actions.

I agree with what Phil said. You should have been honest with him. You toyed with his feelings and was fake. Yeah, you did it in SL but that does not void out hurting others. I hope that you have learned from this.

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Toyed with his affections? Really? Again, anyone coming into SL looking for a RL relationship needs to rethink it. SL isn't a dating service. People usually create an avi that is someone they'd like tio be or would like to experiment being. If you're looking for a hookup, first thing you do when things start getting past the hi, how are you phase is ASK what the other person's sex is. That's on him. SL isn't an internet dating service. 

When I "met" the gentleman who is now functioning as my caretaker (I'm disabled and can't drive or pick up heavy things. He does that for my sister in men) he was a GIRL. He was using a female avi, mainly because of the wardrobe thing. He didn't want to be boring. After our first few talks/roleplays, he let me know she was a he in RL. 

Sorry but you're best to accept people for what they look like in SL. SL is one big cosplay where you can pretend. Many, like me, have a line drawn that this is SL and this is RL. Rarely do I cross the line between the 2. 

You're looking for a hookup? Try Match.com or eHarmony or any of the other online dating services. Sometimes people click in SL and hookup in RL but that's the exception rather than the rule. The guy in question needs to put on his big person panties and grow up rather than have a tantrum cause he was "decieved". 

To the OP, Ignore the trolls. You did nothing wrong. 

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You are quite right. SL is not an internet dating service. Where you are wrong is in assuming that everyone should be like you. Everyone is not like you, and you know very well that everyone is not like you. You know very well that people get emotionally involved with each other in SL. I mean with the RL people at the keyboards. It often works out very well indeed. There is nothing wrong with what you say, as long as everyone only emotionally deals with the avatars. But you know that isn't true, so what you say isn't true - except for those who think like you, of course.

You final sentence fell on deaf ears, I think. The OP hasn't shown his face here since he started the thread.

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Well .. I'll bypass being called a "Troll" .. mainly because I get your meaning. (I think) But you are imposing your values and preconceptions on the "guy" on the other side. He may not have come to SL for anything more than a good cosplay, fantasy, "wow lookit that" experience then been lured into developing feelings by a non-stop litany of "I love you" and "you are the light of my life" type comments.

Neither you nor I can say what his intentions were .. nor should we. By the same token we cannot presume the intentions of the OP beyond what they stated, namely "curiosity". The amount of time they spent together though tells us a lot about the goings on.

Had the OP not been interested in carrying out a very intense relationship then they would not have continued it past the "oh that's what happens" stage. I submit that the initial curiosity was satisfied pretty early on .. and perhaps then things developed into a more emotional connection for both parties. After all, the OP did make reference to "8 months of 'virtual dating'". That indicates even the OP considered it a relationship beyond the Avi-to-Avi stage.

I find it hard to believe the OP .. while considering it a relationship .. played no part in urging the other guy to develop feelings. Most people I know are quite capable of cutting off a budding relationship if they don't want one. In SL it's even easier than in RL. (Block, Ban, Alts anyone?)

You have developed a defense mechanism to protect you from getting or giving the wrong idea .. good on you. But not everyone has that wall nor have they had a reason to build one .. yet. Expecting the "other guy" to come with a pre-built wall is to demand they have the experience and emotional history that you do. That is unreasonable at best .. short-sighted at worst.

This can tip to either side: His fault or .. the other his fault. Probably the safest conclusion is to say "You both done wrong, you both got hurt, LEARN from this." Oh and "don't do it again."

 

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The Martian wanders into the room and wonders if he can be reported for pretending to be a human........?   ;)

 

But actually this thread reminded me of an older thread on this subject and something that Torley said.

"In my head, I've long heard varied voices that inform my life choices. They span a rich spectrum of genders, races, etc. It was only natural that I express them as avatars — earlier, I used the term "Torley Council", or there's that joke from some Resis, that when they see me, they go "It's a Torley!" Hahahaha.

I have a very strong female voice that emerges here. She encourages me to be more sensible and explanatory (I used to be terse and not all that social), and it feels 1000% natural to me. Not having that would feel strongly repressive, and so with SL as an outlet — or whatever you want to call it — I've been able to unify my personality and feel a lot healthier in both lives as a result.

It is a difficult thing that, while life in general appeals to a diversity of people, many people's interests are in conflict. This is also true in Second Life, and I continue to be a proponent of responsible disclosure in relationships that matter to you. On top of that, there's insecurity that people keep hidden, not to mention jealousy and other "demons" that drag someone down from acknowledging and living the life THEY really want... in the process they become control freaks trying to prevent OTHERS from feeling fulfilled, as Darrius initially mentioned.

The psychology of it intrigues me deeply. I just hope more people can come inworld and use Second Life as a tool of confronting hangups and dealing with their baggage, so they have healthier relationships with others. Not growing means not really living."

https://community.secondlife.com/t5/Lifestyles-and-Relationships/Why-Do-People-Want-Your-SL-Gender-To-Match-Your-RL/td-p/834195/highlight/true/page/2

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I agree that one of the most important personal outgrowths of SL is Learning. Learning to deal with one's own limits, learning to handle new situations, and learning and growing in many many ways. But one thing that must be kept in focus:

Learning is always about failing .. repeatedly .. until eventually mastering the right way. As such it's very understandable that a lot of what goes on here consists of failures in every way. It ain't easy and it ain't fun, but near as I can tell it's the only way to succeed.

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Darrius Gothly wrote:

I agree that one of the most important personal outgrowths of SL is Learning. Learning to deal with one's own limits, learning to handle new situations, and learning and growing in many many ways. But one thing that must be kept in focus:

Learning is always about failing .. repeatedly .. until eventually mastering the right way. As such it's very understandable that a lot of what goes on here consists of failures in every way. It ain't easy and it ain't fun, but near as I can tell it's the only way to succeed.

I've heard coaches and teachers say it's easier to work with someone who knew nothing about a sport/subject than to work with someone who'd been taught bad habits / wrong information.

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Perrie Juran wrote:

I've heard coaches and teachers say it's easier to work with someone who knew nothing about a sport/subject than to work with someone who'd been taught bad habits / wrong information.


I worked with a fella from MIT, who said that never having learned BASIC was a prerequsite for one of MIT's C language programming courses. The supposition was that the corruption caused by learning BASIC was irreversable.

I'm suspicious of the story, but it's amusing to comtemplate.

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:

I've heard coaches and teachers say it's easier to work with someone who knew nothing about a sport/subject than to work with someone who'd been taught bad habits / wrong information.


I worked with a fella from MIT, who said that never having learned BASIC was a prerequsite for one of MIT's C language programming courses. The supposition was that the corruption caused by learning BASIC was irreversable.

I'm suspicious of the story, but it's amusing to comtemplate.

Reminds me of Vince Lombardi:

"He took nothing for granted. He began a tradition of starting from scratch, assuming that the players were blank slates who carried over no knowledge from the year before… He began with the most elemental statement of all. “Gentlemen,” he said, holding a pigskin in his right hand, “this is a football.”

Then he'd go on to teach them how to put on their socks.  :)

http://jamesclear.com/vince-lombardi-fundamentals

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