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How do you manage your friends list?


valerie Inshan
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Keli Kyrie started a thread yesterday about being unfriended while she was away for 2 months and she sounded pretty upset about it.

How do you manage your friends list? Do you sometimes "clean" it, erasing names and why? Or do you keep the contacts even though they are not communicating much with you?

My list is rather short and most of my friends have been long time relationships. Although some of them are close to never online and sometimes not responding to my IMs, I don't erase them for two main reasons: just in case they would like to say hello one of these days, and because I would hate to hurt somebody's feelings.

How about you? Please share.

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i'm not one to delete friends from my list just because they never log in i have deleted people i didn't really want to be friends with and when tpv viewers got the ability for you to see who was hiding their online presence i deleted everyone who decided they didn't want me to know they were online but to be honest i never saw them as online since shortly after we became friends they must have deiced to hide that they were online instead of de-friend

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Claireschen Hesten wrote:

i'm not one to delete friends from my list just because they never log in i have deleted people i didn't really want to be friends with and when tpv viewers got the ability for you to see who was hiding their online presence i deleted everyone who decided they didn't want me to know they were online but to be honest i never saw them as online since shortly after we became friends they must have deiced to hide that they were online instead of de-friend

I agree Claire. I think hiding is really a cowardly attitude. I defriended a few fellows who were acting like that. :smileywink:

 

(PS: besides, if one doesn't want to be bothered, he can always set to busy mode...)

Edited for PS

 

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My friends list has varied from just one on it when I was a newbie to close to 100 when I co-owned a SL modeling agency.  I have trimmed it down over time.  I tend to remove the few who are in 'hiding' but I will IM them first and tell them why.  Once, someone replied asking to be re-added.  I did, but we still rarely talk.  I have a few on my list I have kept since my early days just for sentimental reasons and we may chat now and then.

As a DJ,  people sometimes add me while I am working.  I will accept because it is the path of least resistance at the time.  However, if we do not chat in a week or two, I will remove them.

I do not have an established approach in dealing with people on my friends lists.  Only once did I remove someone while they were online (purposely) and it was to send a message.

I keep calling cards.  Once or twice someone has IM'ed me asking if I remember them.  A quick search will tell me if they were ever on my friends list and when.

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Venus Petrov wrote:

As a DJ,  people sometimes add me while I am working.  I will accept because it is the path of least resistance at the time.  However, if we do not chat in a week or two, I will remove them.

Lol, Venus! I experienced that too when my club (which doesn't exist anymore) got on the top of the destinations guide list. I was having 40 to 80 noobs per day sending me friendship proposals I could hardly decline at the time. It took me almost 1 hour every week to remove those who didn't come back! :smileyvery-happy:

 

 

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I'm one of those people.

I'm a very private person and I don't friend casually.  I always unclick the "see if I'm on line box" when I make a new friend.  The only ones who get that privilege are my partner and a very few close friends who've earned my trust over time.  Personally, I'd rather see that be the default.  I would rather not know how many times a day these acquaintances are signing in and out of sl and I don't want to turn the option off entirely because I do want to know when my partner comes on.  Sometimes I will friend a newbie I am helping and I usually de-friend them after the helping times have ended. I have a pick on friendship that sort of sums up my feelings on it. It says:

Friendship

It grows over time: first we see each other, then we talk, then we realize we like seeing and talking and we start doing things together.  Then we go through ups and downs and we cheer and console each other.  It's a truly wonderful and special thing.  And it has not much to do with the offer friendship button in SL.

So if you ask me to be your official friend, I may say yes or no depending on the circumstances.  If it's the first words I've ever heard from you, then probably no.  If you're new and I am welcoming you to SL then I may say yes. That doesn't really make us friends, but it may or may not become true over time. And if over time I never hear from you, don't feel bad if I drop you from my friends list, it doesn't mean we're not friends any more than being there made us friends.

And if you really just want to rub pixels, better try elsewhere.

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@ kattatonia, I do get your point. The friends on my list are stricly cherished persons. Wouldn"t it be useful to have two types of friends lists : one the ones we love, and a another one for simple acquaintances? (it would be certainly very convenient especially for those who run a business or DJ as Venus do)... :smileysurprised:

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When I was growing up I was skinny, dorky not to mention I started puberty late. I am sure you know how mean kids can be to someone that is different. As a consequence I did not make many friends growing up. Partly because I was unpopular and partly because I had a hard time trusting other kids because of what they put me through. All this might have been bad at the time but in the end it made me a stronger person that knows the value of friendship. I think maybe because of all this I have never deleted someone off my friends list.

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Keli Kyrie wrote:

When I was growing up I was skinny, dorky not to mention I started puberty late. I am sure you know how mean kids can be to someone that is different. As a consequence I did not make many friends growing up. Partly because I was unpopular and partly because I had a hard time trusting other kids because of what they put me through. All this might have been bad at the time but in the end it made me a stronger person that knows the value of friendship. I think maybe because of all this I have never deleted someone off my friends list.

Thank you for sharing your story Keri. Yes, kids can be terribly cruel and I can only imagine some of what you went through. One thing is for sure in my opinion: your friends are very lucky to be on your list! love0072.gif

 

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It's not always a cowardly reason that people uncheck the show online box.  There are many reasons someone might want to do that.  Sometimes people just need time to be alone - to create, to work, to explore, without being interrupted.  Sometimes people need private time with a special person.  It might even be that someone is signed in but is away from their computer.  Over the years there have been a few people who would not give me time to get through my messages and notices when I logged in, even though I asked them repeatedly to please give me a few minutes.  Once I'm done with whatever I'm doing and I'm ready to chat, I'll turn my status back on.  The "busy" mode doesn't always work well, some peole will just keep on sending you IM's, plus you lose inventory that is sent to you, especially if you shop on the marketplace and forget you have that on.  Your purchase is just gone.  It's not a good solution when you're working.

Don't think everyone is a coward for unchecking that box.  We all have our reasons, and we all have things we want and need to do in SL.  It's our SL just as much as the friends on our list.  As I said in a reply on Kelli's post - that box is there for a reason after all. :)

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I wonder first of all about the technicalities. Is the friendship list a thing that is "a load" on the database? Are calls to it "expensive"? that is, does merely loading its long dead tail each time I log on creating lag for me or the whole system?

If so, then I'd be happy to be mandated to prune it.

I used to try to put things in folders -- events, customers, builders, actual friends, etc.

But it got hopeless and I gave up.

So many people friend me because they are worried that they might need something in their rentals and can't tell if I'm online or not that they friend me for that reason alone. I always tell them not to fret, IMs in fact *don't* cap if in fact you tie them to offline email so they shouldn't needlessly friend.

Even so, I let anyone who wants to friend, wny not? The result, however is hundreds of cards, quite a few useless. And of course people who tend to abuse the cards to force-TP you to clubs and mall openings.

As for "actual friends" I just can't see removing them on some time schedule or some "activity" basis.

For example, recently an old friend returned to SL after a 4-year hiatus. I was able to see she suddenly logged on and visit her. And that's a great thing to keep -- why not? It's like an old-fashioned telephone book where you have written in your friend's numbers. You wouldn't have gone through and crossed out the friend or torn out the page merely because you didn't hear from them for awhile. Why this urge to delete online, in the pixel version?

So unless someone tells me that it is somehow "healthy" for SL to prune this list, I won't!

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Keli Kyrie wrote:

When I was growing up I was skinny, dorky not to mention I started puberty late. I am sure you know how mean kids can be to someone that is different. As a consequence I did not make many friends growing up. Partly because I was unpopular and partly because I had a hard time trusting other kids because of what they put me through. All this might have been bad at the time but in the end it made me a stronger person that knows the value of friendship. I think maybe because of all this I have never deleted someone off my friends list.

 

Keli I'm so sorry they were mean to you!  But still, I just don't believe that friendships can be made by clicking a button and adding to a list.  Nor do I think they can be destroyed by deleting from a list.  I just think the friends list has been very poorly named.  It's really more of a contact list and I think that how much contact an individual feels comfortable with varies from one to another. 

Most of the people that I consider to be my friends in SL are not even on my list.  I don't need them to be there to know that they are my friends.  And some people that are on my list are really just acquaintances.  Those are the ones that I tend to prune if I don't see them anymore.  And as someone else said, I never delete the calling cards so I can always get in touch if I need to.

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Prokofy Neva wrote:

You wouldn't have gone through and crossed out the friend or torn out the page merely because you didn't hear from them for awhile. Why this urge to delete online, in the pixel version?


It's the pixaliatedness of it that is compelling! 

Just this week I started deleting people from my friends list...then I pruned my groups...and back to the friends list.  *Click*  A person is gone.  *Click* a group is gone.  I'd pull up my profile...look at it...aack!  Still have groups...*Click* gone...click, click, click.  It became an addictive process. Morbid fascination grabbed ahold of me. 

I would rid myself of EveryBody!   Wahahaha!

Then, when I was done...I roamed the grid for several days.  Days of silence..no group chats, no friends logging on..all's quiet on the western front...the eastern too.

Today I logged in and shrugged off the Will-O-Wispish mental morass that had taken hold of my mind.  Tried to salvage my friends list and groups.  I sent friend requests, IMs and emails to people.  Rejoined some groups. 

Now, I'm careful to not bring up my friends list and look at it. Too tempting...might be...carnage redux.

 

 

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I never ask people for friendship.  I'm not really that talkative, so I'll be wasting space on there friends.

Now if I really like someone, I ask for a calling card or just save their name on notepad so I can search for name in search.  And if a person ask to be on my friendslist, I usually accept.

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