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Be VERY careful if you choose to take your SL relationship into the RL.


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People talk about transferring their SL relationship into a RL relationship all the time.  I think it is only natural, when you fall in love with somebody on SL and become very close to them, to be very curious about them in RL.  Esspecially if you are spending all kinds of time with them on SL.

There are some great stories about people making a very successful transfer from SL to RL.  People have gotten married in RL because they met in SL.  Its awesome when this happens.  I am totally pro when it comes to successful love connections in RL.  But please remember, just because your relationship is AMAZING in SL, it does not guaruntee at ALL that you will be able to succeed as a relationship in RL!  Here are some of the reasons why:

1) In RL you are two very different ages.  While in SL, you appear the same age, and can connect beautifully, this is not always the case in RL.  Can a 24 year old and a 42 year old really work in RL? Certainly not as easily as in SL? How about a 48 year old and a 66 year old?  Same deal.

2) in RL one or both of you is married. While this may not necessarily stop you from forging ahead and having an affair in RL or even divorcing your original spouse to be together in RL, neither of these options is really a good idea. If you find eachother in SL, and you're both married, I would certainly advise keeping it in SL if you can.  One or both of you can get terribly burned and hurt in RL if you bring it out of SL.

3) Distance.  It is just that simple.  It's great you're in love with somebody in Australia while you live in the United States.  But unless somebody is willing to move oceans away, just how do you expect this relationship to work long term in the RL? And until you are really "together" in the RL, how do you know you will really get along?  This one is truly risky.

4) Basic chemistry.  On SL, we see a beautiful set of pixels. We cannot smell their scent, or taste them, or touch them.  Unless we voice, we don't know how they sound.  Once you see your SL love in RL, even if you have seen pictures of them before, the real live biological person may not be attractive to you at all, or vice verse.  I am sure this has happened before. It can be very dissappointing.

As for me, my story fits into category 2.  Both me and my SL love were married in RL.  In SL, our relationship was AMAZING. He was so perfect for me in every way. He knew how to treat me. He and I enjoyed eachother immensly. We spent time together every night for at least a couple of hours.  Then we started talking on the phone, too, during the day.  That went very well.  We only lived a couple hours away from one another. Soon, the temptation to meet became very strong.  After a while, we decided to make the leap.  We were only going to meet for coffee.  It turned out we connected very well on a RL level as well.  Too well.  Our relationship became a full blown RL affair. We had the chemistry. We had the RL connection.  But we were each married to other spouses..  Please know I am not condoning our behavior.  People just fall into things...  In SL we started out as friends... I am not proud of this. But at the same time, I am just here to tell my story...

Alas, eventually the fact that we had to cheat to see eachother became too much.  My SL love decided he could not see me anymore in person, only by phone.  It was very disappointing, but really was for the best.  So, we started to just keep it to the phone.

The next thing I knew, he told me he was back on SL. I thought this would be great. Why don't we just pick up where we left off there?  I thought that should not be a problem.  However, he disagreed. He did NOT want to see me on SL now. He said if he did, he'd be too tempted to want to see me again in RL.  He said he'd be happy to talk to me when I come on SL, or maybe go dancing once in a while, but that was it.  This hurt me very much.  Then, to make it even worse, he went and met another person on SL that he started having feelings for.  He totally replaced me on SL with somebody else.

It left me feeling broken.  He swore he loved me but he could not be with me on SL. HE still wanted me to his RL "girlfriend" on the phone, but in SL, he blew me off when I came on, and wanted to spend time having sex and being with somebody else.  It broke my heart.

WHo knows how long we would have lasted on SL had we stayed only in SL?? I don't know. But what we had there was so awesome. It was really special.  And it was ruined due to seeing eachother in RL.

So my advice...just be careful.  Ever so careful.  If you really love the person you have in SL, they just might be better off staying there...

 

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You are obviously very hurt by what happened and I can sympathize with that. But unless you have an open marriage then I don't see what you were doing with him in RL in the first place. Anyhow he sounds like a real piece of work. When people are like that do not regret not knowing them any more, be glad you don't. 

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Sorry to hear that you struggle.

I've encountered just about everything you've mentioned (and more that you haven't), but not sure I understand why this is something to be 'careful' of. I've faced 'giant' age gaps (~40 years), living arrangement differences and those I've shared my heart with occupy just about every timezone. The nebulous 'chemistry' is primarily reflexive preference and pattern-matching - rewriting is easy. All of the problems you list can be worked against - people move, relationships break apart - nothing is unsurmountable if all involved want it badly enough.

To state it clearly as possible: nothing on your list prevents people from coming together - in any space they choose - and enjoying fulfilling and long-lasting relationships. That said, all relationships are finite in length - my perspective is that this matters very little.

In your case you were fully aware of the incongruity - that the relationship you had couldn't go further because you were both doing things your partners wouldn't have liked to find out. It sounds like your partner found themselves with a choice - you or their existing partner - and you did unfavourably. That's unfortunate, but there's not much you can do about it - your partner makes their own decisions.

It's obvious that his 'return' to SL is most likely to resecure the enjoyment he got from more casual relations within a virtual space, but you are too risky to join him in it. This is not too surprising either - you now know him in Real Life and that makes you a risk to his preferred escape.

If there is a lesson to be learned here it's that just because you're living a dream, it doesn't mean that your partner has the same intentions or expectations of your relationship. Love is powerful and sometimes confusing, and does not always pay off in your favour. I find it disappointing that you see possible barriers in circumstances instead of in personalities, but you're well-positioned now to study this further.

Best of luck.

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Ann,

I suspect that the point you are trying to make is not the one you've made with me. Nothing you've stated about relationships is new, nor peculiar to SL. And your premise, that taking an SL relationship into RL risks the SL relationship, seems to ignore the larger issue of adultery. Your RL husband seems a footnote to this story.

As for the perfection of relationships in SL, I think a lot of that stems from projecting ourselves into the blank spaces in the other's persona. Thankfully RL makes that difficult.

If I've any advice to give, it's that whether it's an hour in SL, or an hour in RL, all that time comes from the same finite lifespan.

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I'm not going to judge you as others might. Honestly I don't know your married life. However I will say you got used by someone who has probably done this before. Honestly if you do have a good marriage you kinda got what you deserved. Anyways I hope all wounds are healed. Regardless of what others think, this article is a good one and people can learn from this. Its not obvious to some people and its a good story of caution. I wish you well on your journey.

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:

I suspect that the point you are trying to make is not the one you've made with me. Nothing you've stated about relationships is new, nor peculiar to SL. And your premise, that taking an SL relationship into RL risks the SL relationship, seems to ignore the larger issue of adultery.
Your RL husband seems a footnote to this story.

 

It is kind of like warning someone to be careful not to hurt his foot when he kicks someone.

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I suppose my comment may have seemed judgmental (it is uncharacteristally blunt), but I was trying to point out that the OP's story ignored what seemed to be a much larger event looming on the horizon, which was the introduction of a second RL partner. I'm divorced, I understand that marriages aren't perfect, needn't be "'till death do us part", and that SL is often used to fill in the gaps. But if someone's going to offer me relationship advice, I want to see that it's coming from one who's given careful consideration to the effect their actions have on others. The OP may have done that, but that's not revealed in her post.

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There are other reasons to be very careful with the RL/SL lines.

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=5650591&page=1 for instance

There was another that I'll post when I find it about 2 men that worked together in RL that were seeing the same girl in SL. One of them killed the other out of jealousy.

So...another very good reason to be very careful

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SurrenderAnn wrote:

It just hurts, you know?

I do know.

It's difficult for sure, your emotions sweep one way and reality sweeps another. As I said before, relationships are ephemeral - all we can do is enjoy them while they last. Time heals and gives perspective to our memories.

For yourself, I consider it important not to close doors - not to limit yourself because of silly (but convenient) excuses when searching for love. Age, distance, chemistry; these differences make relationships special as we work to navigate around obstacles for those that matter most.

Take care of yourself, and I'm glad you found my comments useful.

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Any advice about being careful (for whatever reason) when taking a SL relationship to RL is gonna fall in deaf ears for most people. Blame LL who with their idea of "Facebooking" SL have turned it into some sort of dating site in which, people who flatly  refuses to take SL relationships into RL are "sentenced" To walk alone our SL path, or as much, to have occasional "friends" Who only want boring, meaningless cybersex. “Friends with benefits” They call it. I call it to have an escort, or several, for free. To accept/like it, it’s just a personal choice. I have nothing to add about that

I am sure that some,  or even many people will say that risks of any sort do exist in relationships that start in RL too. Sure, I’d be nonsense to deny it. But meeting someone face to face, in a real environment with all that it does entail,  and right before any “Fairy tale” can start gives plenty of cues about who that person we have just meet can be, or about how they can behave. We have nothing of that in SL, where everything and everyone can seem perfect and problem-free.

Some day will come in which a "crossover SL-RL will end in tragedy. It has happened in the past. It’s a matter of time until it happens again.

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Jasmyn Vaher wrote:

Any advice about being careful (for whatever reason) when taking a SL relationship to RL is gonna fall in deaf ears for most people. Blame LL who with their idea of "Facebooking" SL have turned it into some sort of dating site in which, people who flatly  refuses to take SL relationships into RL are "sentenced" To walk alone our SL path, or as much, to have occasional "friends" Who only want boring, meaningless cybersex. “Friends with benefits” They call it. I call it to have an escort, or several, for free. To accept/like it, it’s just a personal choice. I have nothing to add about that

 

It has been happening since the beginning of sl, that is, people using sl as a dating site, or meeting people and either wanting to, or actually, taking relationships to the rl level. That is not LL's fault, lol, and trying to blame it on them is ridiculous. That is a human issue, and humans do that.

There are tons of people in sl who are quite happy keeping relationships sl only, and they have no problems meeting others just like them. No one is dooming others to some sentence of loneliness. Sure some folks don't approve of others who refuse to take sl to rl, but that's certainly not everyone. I have quite a few friends who are quite happy with the sl only thing. Some of them are more into casual relationships in sl, and some of them aren't so casual about it, but are in committed sl only relationships.

Regardless, one should always be careful. While I, myself, have not had many of the issues others have faced, I have a couple of friends for whom the experience has been everything but happy(that is, the whole relationship sl, to rl, gone badly, thing) One of them went against all best advice anyone could possibly give her, and , in the end, what she had to endure was more than she felt she could withstand, and sadly, she is no longer with us. That, too, was a relationship fairy tale in sl, that turned grim when attempts to take it to rl were met with every conceivable roadblock. BY the time she realized she had well overstepped a boundary that should not have been crossed, she felt she was in too deep, but, admittedly, there were underlying issues that ultimately contributed to her demise.  I have another friend who simply gave too much, too soon, and although she ended that quickly before it got worse, she's still dealing with the scars from those wounds and has sworn off all relationships in sl for good because of it(whether it sticks or not, i don't know, she's gone a good year and a half with this jmindset, and no change...yet, lol).

Although the relationship advice given in this thread, among the numerous others, is sound,  people are going to be judgmental when someone puts their rl counterpart unwillingly into the mix of something like this. I will never advocate for someone who digs their own hole when it comes to relationships going sour. I also won't say anythign bad about the guy in the OP's case, because, I can actually see merit to his suggesting they avoid an sl relationship, because, he, clearly, notices there is an issue that *both* of them are likely to ignore and give into even when they should not. Whether or not  he goes around finding another "new love" doesn't matter to me. I actually think he's using his head, as far as sl is concerned, even if keeping phone contact is as stupid as it gets(so, he lacks common sense in that right). I can't understand why the OP is hurt by this. I can understand being hurt that things did not work out, but being hurt that he does not want an sl relationship with her, doesn't make sense, when the reason to avoid such a thing will protect them both. It almost seems silly to suggest one should be hurt by the very basic common sense in use there. Though, I know that sounds harsh, it's really not intended to. I've simply seen one too many people burned by their own emotions, and then turn around and try to place the blame on the other party, when the blame ought to be shared.

When it comes to relationships, of any kind, it's always wise to be cautious, regardless of where they begin, or even why. However, online, there are added elements that ought to cause us to raise our guard just a wee bit more. If you're involved in rl with someone else, and it's not going well, I recommend taking steps to end that before even TRYING to seek out the things you are missing, from someone else. If for no other reason, to save your own self some heartache and headache. If you are involved in rl, and things are not going badly, then, well, you've got no business looking for someone else to begin with, but that is just my personal opinion and I realize many don't share them. I do have to say though, if it has to be done in secret, you alreayd know it's wrong and I, like many, will likely have a hard time feeling any pitty for someone who does that.

Having been on the receiving end of someone who thought "what she doesn't know, won't hurt anyone"...it's a terrible feeling, and when the asshat did it to me, it made me feel absolutely awful, in more ways than most can imagine. It truly did a number on me and took a very long time to come to terms with and fix what happened. I'm fairly certain if I hadn't met hubby when I did, things would have gotten a lot worse, and may have never gotten better, but that's a story for a different day. When ex's his new gf, that is, his "side candy" did it back to him, I laughed my ass off. I don't feel bad for him, because karma has an odd way of making things right, or life, if you want to think of it that way. Eventually things will come right back around and bite you in the ass if you're not careful. If you're willing to burn all bridges, go for it, but if you're not willing to, or don't want to deal with the consequences of your actions, then don't even bother looking for a relationship, because it WILL end badly, on all counts, and then you'll be hurt and wonder why no one understands the pain the way you do. Not that I'd necessarily wish that pain on anyone, or that I don't understand it, I can just understand why others may not give a rat's left toe when you tell them you were cheating on your rl, with someone in sl, and then got burned by that sl, when things went badly.

 

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Hi Tari,

Regarding what you wrote here:

I also won't say anythign bad about the guy in the OP's case, because, I can actually see merit to his suggesting they avoid an sl relationship, because, he, clearly, notices there is an issue that *both* of them are likely to ignore and give into even when they should not. Whether or not  he goes around finding another "new love" doesn't matter to me. I actually think he's using his head, as far as sl is concerned, even if keeping phone contact is as stupid as it gets(so, he lacks common sense in that right). I can't understand why the OP is hurt by this. I can understand being hurt that things did not work out, but being hurt that he does not want an sl relationship with her, doesn't make sense, when the reason to avoid such a thing will protect them both. It almost seems silly to suggest one should be hurt by the very basic common sense in use there. Though,

 

The one thing about this, is that my SL guy never even said anything to me about his decision to go back to SL and not be with me there.  Since he still wanted me in his life, clearly, by continuing to talk to me on the phone and text me regularly, and claimed he still loved me, I would have thought he would have discussed his feelings about SL with me, at the very least before going back there.  It would have been totally fine for me to not see him in RL.  As far as I was concerned, a RL relationship with him was now off the table, since it obviously was not going to work for us. I would have been perfectly content to keep it in SL. Sure, I would have loved to see him in person again someday, but I would have respected the boundries, and made sure he did too.  When he went back to SL, he only thought of himself, and his own issues. He never took my feelings into consideration.  We had been through alot together in the past year before he did this, including writing a book together and publishing it on Kindle.  I had helped one of his familiy members out with some career issues. We had more than just a fling thing going on, I assure you. To me, his decision to not be with me in SL any longer may have been to protect us on one level, but I believe it was very selfish on another level.  As somebody else on this forum said, if you love somebody enough, you are willing to work through the obstacles around it, regardless of circumstances. It is a matter of personalies being different, rather than the circumstances being difficult. I am all about that. 

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SurrenderAnn wrote:

Hi Tari,

Regarding what you wrote here:

I also won't say anythign bad about the guy in the OP's case, because, I can actually see merit to his suggesting they avoid an sl relationship, because, he, clearly, notices there is an issue that *both* of them are likely to ignore and give into even when they should not. Whether or not  he goes around finding another "new love" doesn't matter to me. I actually think he's using his head, as far as sl is concerned, even if keeping phone contact is as stupid as it gets(so, he lacks common sense in that right). I can't understand why the OP is hurt by this. I can understand being hurt that things did not work out, but being hurt that he does not want an sl relationship with her, doesn't make sense, when the reason to avoid such a thing will protect them both. It almost seems silly to suggest one should be hurt by the very basic common sense in use there. Though,

 

The one thing about this, is that my SL guy never even said anything to me about his decision to go back to SL and not be with me there.  Since he still wanted me in his life, clearly, by continuing to talk to me on the phone and text me regularly, and claimed he still loved me, I would have thought he would have discussed his feelings about SL with me, at the very least before going back there.  It would have been totally fine for me to not see him in RL.  As far as I was concerned, a RL relationship with him was now off the table, since it obviously was not going to work for us. I would have been perfectly content to keep it in SL. Sure, I would have loved to see him in person again someday, but I would have respected the boundries, and made sure he did too.  
When he went back to SL, he only thought of himself, and his own issues. He never took my feelings into consideration.
 We had been through alot together in the past year before he did this, including writing a book together and publishing it on Kindle.  I had helped one of his familiy members out with some career issues. We had more than just a fling thing going on, I assure you. To me, his decision to not be with me in SL any longer may have been to protect us on one level, but I believe it was very selfish on another level.  As somebody else on this forum said,
if you love somebody enough, you are willing to work through the obstacles around it, regardless of circumstances.
It is a matter of personalies being different, rather than the circumstances being difficult. I am all about that. 

To the bolded, why should he have taken your feelings into consideration? I agree, that continuing to speak to you on the phone, is foolish-on BOTH parts. But, why should he not go back to sl, and do whatever it is he wants? You too, can do the same, if you wish. You're both grown adults, and clearly a relationship between the two of you, sl, or rl, is not going to work. While I don't condone his behavior anymore than I do yours. I think it's smart for him to avoid you in sl, and not take the time to ask you how you "feel" about it. I'm not sure why you think anyone should get a say in what others' do in sl, to be honest. You think it's selfish, because you can't let go, and I get that. But, in reality, it's not selfish. What you two were doing before, was very selfish. You believing you get any say in what he does now, is also selfish. As it would be if he did the same to you, should you decide to go forth and continue having relationships in sl. I'd say the same to him, if he thought, for even a second, he should have say in what you do in sl.

As to the second bolded part....where was the consideration for your rl relationships? That is to say, neither of you gave them any thought at all. At least, your post does not say you did. So, yep, gonna have to say, this is one of those times when the choices we make, come back to bite us, and we have to deal with the consequences. They're not always pretty, and sometimes they're downright painful. But, you need to let go, and move on, and stop believing you've any say in what another adult does, or does not do.

I know it sounds harsh and uncaring of me, but you're blaming him for absolutely every bit of your own hurt, and that's neither healthy, nor fair. You're both to blame. Avoiding each other in sl, when you clearly have issues being together, is likely the best thing for both of you. On that, I will agree with him. Yes, it probably hurts, and it very well may hurt him too(no one but him can say, of course). I still think you're making him take the lion's share of the blame for your pain, and you're deflecting, *because of that pain. It'll take time to heal, I know the pain of a relationship gone awry, all too well. I just know, form experience, trying to make somethign happen that just isn't meant to be, causes even more pain than it cures.

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:

And the RL hubby in this story has gone from being a mere footnote to simply being gone from the story.

I've been that spouse, and, well....it's not pretty. So unless there is a HUGE portion fo the story missing, wherein these spouses are pieces of garbage, I am going to have a hell of a hard time sympathizing with someone who cheats. But the way it was brushed off "I don't condone this...but", makes me think there isn't a whole lot missing, and I find that far more tragic than the fact that someone's boy toy no longer wants to be.

 

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Hi, and interesting answer.

Interestingly, I am not even back in SL these days because I have no wish or desire to repeat history and cheat agian on my RL husband in any form.  Yes, the RL hubby has been mainly missing in the story because I am focusing on the guy in SL in this particular post (one can only write so much).  But I do have to tell you, I was on SL for four years before this stuff went down, and avoided many many opportunities to be with other men on SL due to having a RL hubby.  Some use SL as a platform as a way to do whatever they please because they are not getting what they want out of RL, including cheating on RL spouses repeatedly. I was not one of those. I told many men no, sorry I am married in RL.  Meanwhile, the SL man I am speaking of, was using SL as his personal candy store to trick or treat in because he is not intimate with his wife in RL.  I did not know this when I met him, nor do I really care what most others do in SL anyways. My SL man and I were friends for forever, and talked about our spouses, etc. for many weeks before anything happened between us, and when it did, it was not planned or expected.  As many of you know on SL, things can escalate on people before they are aware it is happening. Yes, There ARE shortcomings in both of our marriages, and that is how we ended up allowing the relationship to take off when the opportunity arose.  We both felt guilty about it, more so when we brought it to RL.  Now that it is over, I am refusing to ever let this happen again, and he is already on there, repeating history with a new girlfriend. I am pretty certain he will be asking to call her on the phone shortly and become facebook friends with her, etc. all the things he did with me. When he and I first met, he was adamant about keeping it all in SL, but it was he who initiated the suggestion to call eachother, and he who instigated the Facebook friendship. The RL meeting idea was mutual.  While I cannot blame him anymore than i can blame myself for the past, I do find it interesting how we are each treating the scenario going forward - him refusing to be with me in SL while he continues to cheat on his RL wife there, and me wanting to be with him on SL, but if I cannot be with him, I am not interested in repeating history like that in any form.

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I am sorry to hear of your experience in SL.    This is the way I see things, maybe it can help? Who knows, I just like to type :D For someone or a couple who are married in SL to be on SL in the first place, seeking anything outside of friendship - is a surefire sign that there is trouble in RL... perhaps that couple is missing something that they feel they need to be happy, be it missing affection, wanting to feel wanted, perhaps that comfort zone was too powerful in RL that it could not be broken.    And you find yourself yearning for what's missing, and SL provides the perfect scapegoat for that by uniting people from all areas of the world who could possibly be going through similar situations.   To find someone in SL that you have a ton of chemistry with and get along with famously is not uncommon, that is how I met  my husband.    I too was trapped in an RL situation that I wanted out of badly but didn't have the confidence or strength to do so.   He supported me, stuck with me even through all of that, and helped me realize what I had to do - I got the courage to LEAVE, because my happiness was more important than being in a situation that was slowly draining me of any desire to keep trying.    Because of him I was able to get a second chance at life, now him and I are together, we are long distance me in Canada, him in the US, but with compromise we take trips back and forth to see eachother every couple of months, with plans to move in together within the next couple of years.    I do question why he was so interested and then suddenly stopped and was willing to date another person, perhaps he felt he overstepped lines by taking it into RL and his guilt overweighed his feelings, and simply sought out someone that he didn't share that RL connection with.  Are you unhappy with your husband? Do you wish to stay that way? What means more to you in the end, because these are the questions you need to sit down and ask yourself, what matters most? What makes YOU Happy, life is too short to stay where things aren't working out, if you're finding yourself missing what makes you happy you need to consider other alternatives, or you will never feel complete and whole.   I wish you the best in any endeavour, and that you never have to go through the pain of losing someone you feel for in SL again

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Sephina Frostbite wrote:

I understand what you are saying but the fact that she had an affair isn't people business. I bet it was a big part of her story but then again that's her story. I don't think she ignored it at all. She just didn't elaborate on it.

The moment she published her story in a public forum, it became people business. And if you don't tell the entire story, you can't expect to be given credit for the entire story.

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SurrenderAnn wrote:

  While I cannot blame him anymore than i can blame myself for the past, I do find it interesting how we are each treating the scenario going forward - him refusing to be with me in SL while he continues to cheat on his RL wife there, and me wanting to be with him on SL, but if I cannot be with him, I am not interested in repeating history like that in any form.

I find it just as interesting that you'd be willing to continue to cheat, provided it was with this man, and no one else. But, I've been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, so I'm looking at it from a different angle than you, I suppose. 

You see his actions as selfish, I get that. But, you don't see your own actions as selfish, and that part I do not understand. Not that I have to understand of course :)

Regardless, cautions about relationships and how we go about obtaining, and maintaining them, is important. If nothing else, your post can be a prime example of exactly how one can, far too easily, allow something that seems fun and interesting and online only at first, to turn into something a lot more than simply fun and interesting, and if it doesn't turn out the way we desire...how it can turn right back around and bite someone in the ass, on all fronts.

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Are you really here to deliver a warning that might help other people in a similar situation, or could the underlying motive for your post be that you are seeking the attention and sympathy of strangers because you refuse to face your own reality and be the one who tends to your own wounds?

I've seen you resurrect a couple of old threads to, yet again, post a summarized version of your story (the Gor thread, highly irrelevant to be honest). You're just addicted to retelling that story of pain, abandonment and betrayal, over and over again, and that can't be possibly healthy for you in any way. The one thing that is painfully obvious here is that you have problems in your marriage that are clearly begging to be addressed, yet even after the failure of your RL affair with your SL lover, you were prepared to "pick up where you left off" once again in SL, instead of taking the time to figure out what you want to do about the giant pink elephant in the room - your husband.

I don't believe that anything is a mistake. This story that you are so fond of retelling is a wake up call for you to give your attention to nagging matters that you chose to ignore. You can't escape the responsibility of taking decisive action about your marital issues. It isn't fair to you or to your husband. If you continue to take the route of escapism and SL affairs, you will only keep encountering your SL ex in every future relationship. It will all keep coming back until you get it. 

Life is a journey of learning, embrace the past but don't dwell there. Stop looking for threads to keep telling your story.

Please take some personal time to quiet the mental and emotional noise and really reflect on the things that you need to see and work on. I don't know the nature of your RL problems, they could be anything from an abusive relationship to mere boredom and a need for excitment, but I do know that no matter how big or small problems are you will always have the choice to do something about them. This is very much about personal growth and change and you just have to have the courage and willingness to step up and be responsibile for your own happiness.

Wishing you much luck, strength and courage!

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I want to know why everyone is saying they feel sorry for what happened to you. YOU cheated on your husband and got burned by your SL lover. I have been the husband. It hurts. It hurts a lot. My wife was ready to walk out on myself and our daughters because she was missing the "spark" her SL man gave her. I worked 65 hours a week to keep the bills paid and food on the table. He turned out to be a player who broke it off with her at the last minute and crushed her feelings. Needless to say we worked things out and now are very happy and stable in RL and each do as we wish in SL.

Does your RL know about this? I would bet he doesn't.

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Let's answer your points..


SurrenderAnn wrote:


1) In RL you are two very different ages.  While in SL, you appear the same age, and can connect beautifully, this is not always the case in RL.  Can a 24 year old and a 42 year old really work in RL? Certainly not as easily as in SL? How about a 48 year old and a 66 year old?  Same deal.

Seeing as my grandmother is 86 and dating a 63 year old... How about all of the people you read about that are getting married that have huge age gaps?
Age is just a number of years you have lived.

2) in RL one or both of you is married. While this may not necessarily stop you from forging ahead and having an affair in RL or even divorcing your original spouse to be together in RL, neither of these options is really a good idea. If you find eachother in SL, and you're both married, I would certainly advise keeping it in SL if you can.  One or both of you can get terribly burned and hurt in RL if you bring it out of SL.

If you are married you should NOT be taking anything RL.

3) Distance.  It is just that simple.  It's great you're in love with somebody in Australia while you live in the United States.  But unless somebody is willing to move oceans away, just how do you expect this relationship to work long term in the RL? And until you are really "together" in the RL, how do you know you will really get along?  This one is truly risky.

I personally know a woman who married a guy from across the US. They met a few times and RL sparked just as much as SL. He moved here.

4) Basic chemistry.  On SL, we see a beautiful set of pixels. We cannot smell their scent, or taste them, or touch them.  Unless we voice, we don't know how they sound.  Once you see your SL love in RL, even if you have seen pictures of them before, the real live biological person may not be attractive to you at all, or vice verse.  I am sure this has happened before. It can be very dissappointing.

Yeah, RL sucks huh? Kinda like seeing a woman you met in the club or bar first thing in the morning without any makeup on, right?

So my advice...just be careful.  Ever so careful.  If you really love the person you have in SL, they just might be better off staying there...

You should have left out your sob story.

 

 

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