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BerryChicago

Friendship with same sex

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Why is it difficult to be a friend with someone of the same sex.  Women don't seek out other women to be friends and Men don't seek out men to be friends.  i am not talking sexual just friends.  In RL most of us have more friends of the same gender but in SL it seems like that is a rarity to have same gender friends.  Is it competitivness or lack of trust that we don't seek out friends of the same gender.  if I ask a male avi how many males are on his friend list he will more than like say less than 5 out of 100 and the same for females or perhaps a few more.  It is so weird to me this lack of gender friendship.

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Not sure why you are assuming that, I have lots of women friends.  Probably more than male friends.

Some people are more interested in finding a partner maybe and so they friend more of the opposit sex.  I bet its more prevalent too among relatively new people than someone like me that has been here for years.  In my experience, overtime people seem to settle down more than the first few years they are on SL.

Still I will be interested in what others say who respond.

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I have a fairly equal ratio of male & female friends in RL & SL. Maybe it depends on how we relate to people without the subcurrent of sexual attraction affecting our conversations? I know I'm more likely to lean on that subcurrent with a man who I think is attracted to me. It feels good to be admired & appreciated, whether that admiration comes from one's charm, skills, intelligence or visual attractiveness. Do you show attention & admiration to other people when you're not sexually attracted to them? Do you tell another guy that he dresses nicely or is fun to have a conversation with? Does that sexual undercurrent need to be there for you to want to talk with someone?

I don't think it's just because I'm bisexual that I find both men & women to be attractive as human beings, but maybe being attracted to people in a non-sexual way does increase my chances of being attracted to them sexually as well. Some people describe themselves as sapiosexual, because they find intelligence to be attractive & sexy. I prefer to say that I find smart, kind & interesting people to be more attractive in general.

 

Edit to add:

Here's another related question, are you more likely to have opposite gender heterosexual friends? Do you have gay male, lesbian female, bisexual or transgender friends with whom you might not feel a sexual attraction? Can you be friends with someone who presents in SL as a furry, an animal, or some other being to whom you would not be sexually attracted?

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Well, you started with three sentences and that's enough to allow me to answer.

Why is it difficult to be a friend with someone of the same sex?

(forgive me adding the question mark) It isn't. Not in my* experience which is somewhat limited, but also not in the experience of any of my friends or even of people that I just know about from meeting them here and there.

Women don't seek out other women to be friends and Men don't seek out men to be friends.

I won't argue the "don't seek out" part except to say that the Friends section of this very forum is chock full of posts from people looking for others of the same gender to 'just hang out', 'just go to clubs with', etc. Presumably most if not all of those are honest posts, so there are those who "seek out". What I WILL argue is that women can become friends with women and men can become friends with men just because they find an attraction. Exactly the same way it happens in RL, and why should that surprise anyone? I know tons (well, okay, let's say many) people in SL who have friends of the same gender and damn good friends at that.

i am not talking sexual just friends.

I am not talking sexual either.

*Since I am TG I can't necessarily respond to this as either a man or a woman. My 'same gender' is TG and I assure you I have plenty of friends—friends, not 'playmates'—who are that gender also. I also have both men and women as friends. More the latter than the former but that is not surprising to me. The same was true when my TG side was active in RL.

If I have advice it is to not worry too much about it. Don't feel like you need to seek. If you are lucky enough to meet some people you like and click with, you'll eventually think of them as friends. The whole 'friend' thing in SL can sometimes be a bit of a burden: it has its uses but sometimes it kind of gets in the way. 

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You think relationships are difficult? Try friendships. Try courting someone in order to convince them to join you in some nameless, shapeless platonic complication — forever. Convince an adult stranger that you are worth a healthy slice of their limited time and energy without the prize of sex or romance.
   -Laura Jayne Martin

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BerryChicago wrote:

Why is it difficult to be a friend with someone of the same sex.  

I don't find it difficult to be friends with anyone who's nice. Gender is a non issue, RL or SL. And if the RL garden party I attended last Saturday is any indication, species doesn't make a difference either. I found myself playing fetch with a golden retriever. He wandered around with a slimy tennis ball in his mouth, looking for a playmate. I was apparently the only one who wasn't bothered by the spit. I pilfered food off other people's plates for over an hour, so I could keep one slimy hand free to toss the ball.

Women don't seek out other women to be friends and Men don't seek out men to be friends.

I don't seek friends. They drop into my lap and I set them on fire, or play fetch with them.

i am not talking sexual just friends.

Right, I'm also talking about friends, though "just friends" understates their value. The high point of my Saturday was the fuzzy thing that slimed my hand.

In RL most of us have more friends of the same gender.

No, I've got more male friends than female, by a wide margin. Not by choice, the guys just fall into my lap more. Maybe they're clumsy?

but in SL it seems like that is a rarity to have same gender friends.

I just tallied my friends list: 45 female humans, 19 male humans, 1 female cat, 1 male dog and 1 male flying monkey.

Is it competitivness or lack of trust that we don't seek out friends of the same gender.

This question doesn't apply to me, as I've said I don't seek friends at all. And there's a reason for that. Seeking presupposes that you know what your looking for and possibly a belief that what you are looking for is good for you, or will make you happy. It's been my experience that serendipity knows more than I do. This is why I often ask the waiter/waitress to serve me his/her favorite from the menu.

if I ask a male avi how many males are on his friend list he will more than like say less than 5 out of 100 and the same for females or perhaps a few more.

I've never asked anyone for a gender breakdown of their friends, either in SL or RL. I wonder if you've really done so yourself, or if you're projecting. By virtue of having been in a male dominated profession (engineering) all my life, I reckon that most of my friends, both male and female, would say that most of their friends are male.

It is so weird to me this lack of gender friendship.

I can't explain why you see what you do (if you do) and why you find that weird. Things look quite different to me. And when something people do seems weird to me, the first conclusion I draw is that I'm weird.

 

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I do honestly believe that for some people, the idea of a same gender friendship almost seems foreign because there is that sexual undertone, even if they don't want to admit it's there, or can't even see/feel it. This goes double for people who are not in a relationship, people who are not in a happy relationship, people who say they don't want to be in a relationship-but secretly do want to be in a relationship(admitted to themselves or not) as well. Why? Because same gender friends are, indeed, a challenge to any potential relationship. The human mind does amazing things, including doing nearly all of its work without our knowledge. This also means the human imagination is also always at work, typically without us realizing it. The human thought processes, despite what science may have achieved thus far, are still vastly misunderstood.

Although many people who are not interested in a relationship at all, secretly or otherwise, do exist, I am not convinced they are in the majority. So it stands to reason that more people would feel this "competition" of sorts with any same gender friend should the two encounter a potential partner(again, not always a thought that is known to us, at the time, we all have them, whether we realize it, or are willing to admit it, or not).

There are also other reasons, aside from potential partners that make it difficult for some to have same gender friends. People tend to be in competition with other people, a lot of the time, mostly subconsciously. Same gender friends are more likely to compare one another, lives, achievemants, abilities, etc...because of that one shared trait..gender. Even people who say they don't care about this aspect, or that(be it looks, abilities, achievements, etc..) everyone secretly compares themselves to others. If you take two same gender folks, there's an awful lot more there to compare, and compete with, as it were. Unlike two different gender folks, where one would expect many more differences.

Not always the case,of course, and there will be lots of folks who say "I don't compare myself to others of my gender" or "I don't compete" or "I don't find it hard to make same gender friends", etc.. I believe those folks, however I still also believe they're in the minority. Because most of these thought processes happen, without our knowledge, they merely exist. Not acknowledging their existence, doesn't mean they don't exist, lol. It means we pay them no mind, which is not the same thing.

I have more guy friends than I do girls. Not for not trying of course, women are, just, well, women. I don't relate as well to them as I'd like to, ebcause I am often times, the exact opposite. Although I do have women who are wonderful friends, even women I would consider family(including in sl) we are still more often than not, polar opposites. Men, on the other hand, don't talk about things I hate..like fashion, and modeling, and...girly things. So I can relate better to them. Just as I can other women who are more like me, in that regard. Relatability is important, regardless of gender. If I can't relate to a particular crowd, the gender doesn't really matter much to me, I won't enjoy their company, no matter how hard I try. I'm not girly, I'm not into fashion, and shoes, and clubs...and..and..I could go on for days. Women, especially in sl, are more often into that stuff. So, I can't relate, and therefore, I don't. Men, on the other hand, well those I run into, aren't into those things. Although I do have some male friends who are way more into it than any females I have ever met...I don't always relate well with them either, they're still my friends, but definitely not soeone I'd wander the grid with just because we were bored, we'd just end up shopping...and that's blaaaaaaah to me. :)

TLDR; There are scientific studies done on this, rl and sl are no different than one another in this aspect. You should look them up if you're truly interested, it's a fascinating topic :D

I should prob also mention this was recently a topic in my psych class, hence why I know there are studies. Although I find them fascinating, now, they weren't something I went out to find before this class, lol. It makes much more sense to me now that I understand it a bit better, from more perspectives than merely my own :D

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Tari, I completely agree about the brain doing most of its work undetected by the conscious. David Eagleman's "Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain" is a fascinating look into this. I love to catch my brain doing things that are irrational at a conscious level, but have some ancient underpinning that made sense 12000 years ago.

I generally prefer the company of fellas for exactly the reasons you've described. They often like to tinker, seem more likely to do silly things, don't mind getting dirty, and hate shopping as much as I do, unless it's for toys. Since retiring and joining a community theater group, there has been a shift in the demographics of my friends. There are more women in the local pool of acting talent, perhaps because of proclivity. But there are also more women in the local pool of technical talent, perhaps because their hubbies work, or work on the same sort of stuff the theater does, and don't want to do more of that for fun. The set designer, prop manager and lighting director are all women. For the first time in my life, I'm surrounded by other women who can swing hammers with authority.

I know what my subconscious sexual self wants, and I'm not going there. That doesn't mean that there aren't subconscious processes at work that shape my circle of friends, of course there are. I have always thought of myself as being "mindful" (which is not to say that I am). The reason I see my little world differently than BerryChicago (and perhaps most other people) is not that my vision is impaired, but that my little world was crafted, consciously and unconsciously, by me. And that's why the first conclusion I draw when I encountering something weird that a lot of people are doing (like watching reality TV) is that I'm the oddball.

;-).

ETA: My SL friends know that I'm gender ambivalent (to a point ;-), simply because we discuss such things here. My RL friends just think I'm odd. I was raised by nutty parents who themselves didn't quite grasp all the boy/girl distinctions or, when they did, lampooned them. I was raised to believe that what I could or couldn't do was more a matter of desire and effort than anything else, and that enlisting the help of friends (which requires keeping them after they drop in your lap) is a way to make up for personal shortcomings. Yes, there would be roadblocks, but there are usually ways to work around them.

Reality hasn't been as accomodating as I'd hoped, but I'm not complaining.

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BerryChicago wrote:

Why is it difficult to be a friend with someone of the same sex.........  
In RL most of us have more friends of the same gender but in SL it seems like that is a rarity to have same gender friends.
 

We must inhabit totally different virtual worlds!  *laughs*

But, seriously, I think what one sees in life (both RL & SL) is based upon their own behavior and attitudes.   You see people who don't want to have friends of the same gender. 

I see people who have many of friends of the same gender, and many of friends of the opposite gender too.

 

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Dillon Levenque wrote:

I know tons (well, okay, let's say many) people in SL who have friends of the same gender and damn good friends at that.

Aww, shucks, now I have to claim Maddy some woman, as a friend....errr I mean damn good friend.

 

 


Dillon Levenque wrote:

I am not talking sexual either.


She did get naked....and danced with me!  : )

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For me it has always been far more natural to have friends of the same sex. I mean...I grew up with having other girls as friends and boys were seen as "eww" or strange at best. You couldn't play with them properly. It was always easier to contect with a girl than with any of the boys, who also (as far as my observation goes) were exclusivly friends with boys. Even in later years of my school life boys were mainly friends with other boys and girls had female friends.

Just in the last two year I gained one male friend who I know consider being my best friend (we share the same kind of silly humor). But still...sometimes I think having a girl as a second good friend would be nice.

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Celestiall Nightfire wrote:



She did get naked....and danced with me!  : )

 

Ha! Me too, a couple of times. Once in nothing but a hat, eyglasses, and the watch and once in nothing but a bunch of press-on flowers (a la Goldie Hawn), eyeglasses and the watch. Both times she kept the rest of her avatar invisilble.

Such a tease.

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In my experience in sl most guys do not want much to do with other guys.  I'm sure it's different for women to women, but in my experience, most guys want little more than a hello and how are you.  This is the opposite of rl where most of my closest friends are other guys.  I've just chalked this up to nothing more than other men more or less only wanting to invest  time in other women to score or be involved with emotionally.

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I think your right Berry that generally people will have more inworld friends of the a different gender than their own but then a lot there depends where you hang out and by the signals you give out and how you behave. If you are seen in a sim that is sexually orientated on a regular basis interacting with avys of the opposit sex then your going to be percieved as being sexually motivated.

I have many male friends in SL who I share common interests with. It might be sport or just the fact were in the same geographical area. There are a hard core of perhaps 20 of us. Were a mixed bunch that just basically hang out together inworld. Some of us are in SL relationships, some of us are on more than others but we basically just sit and chat about many things. That may seem dull to some but hey it works for us.

It might help you if you search for specific interest groups that particularly aimed at a specific gender. Having said that does it really matter if 95% of your friends are of one sex and 5% of the other - You can can be friends with whover....And remember, just cos its a female avy it does not mean that its a female pushing the pixels :)

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