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How to sustain a relasionship in sl


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Supose unless you been in sl for a long time or had many relationships ,you probally split up with many times too
Be interesting to what the top 5 reasons were? Like many of us rl is difficult enought to sustain a relationship in rl never mind sl as sl has to be the the most challenging of the two We loose many of our sences in sl to rl which play a massive part in a couples life in sl. Touch,looks,smell,sound if you dont do voice Those are most but more importantly is the interaction of a couple in rl you have the sence of tone of voice or how one looks at you and physical touch and interaction. All these are missing in sl. The most we have are interaction with our avators voice if thats done and of course the most important. Typing

So one can see how hard it is to hold down a serous relationship in sl and we not talked about the players or users and so fore. All i can say in what i have leart in the good times and bad. Is to BE SURE. Dont rush into parterships dont think your lover is honest time will normally expose what ones real intensions are just dont rush in and have your heart broken. If the person really cares for you and you are thenm to wait they be there. And rem. not all persons are compatibale. Use your typing to enfersize how you feel and want to say. As that is a massive role in sl. Be interesting what otheres feel and want to say
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I agree with the “don't rush” advice; sad experience has told me that most relationships begun by tossing caution to the wind eventually follow the same route. Typical causes? Cheating, wanting to move on to “the next one”, not taking it seriously because “this is just a game”, too different expectations (and failure to discuss them earlier), and shifts in SL interests affecting what once was viable.

How to sustain one? In my opinion the key is being sure that you can respect the other person and have his/her interests in mind even before your own; it's also important to be sure that you love the person, rather than the fact of being in love with someone.

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greek Wingtips wrote:

Supose unless you been in sl for a long time or had many relationships ,you probally split up with many times too

Be interesting to what the top 5 reasons were?

I have been in SL since mid-2006 and I have had only four partners (mixed genders) over that course of time. Each (except for one, who was a special case) displayed the same following characteristics, which emerged over time:

 

  • Paranoia. My partners would become worried I would be "stolen" (one was IMing all of my female friends and telling them to stay away from me, something which I did not find out until a year after we unpartnered) or I was thinking this-or-that (nonsense, since I am very straight-forward in my thoughts), and they would be convinced of it.
  • Clinginess. Somewhat intermixed with the paranoia. They would never give me breathing room, were constantly pestering me online and demanding where I was when offline, and wanting to know wherever I was and with who and what I was doing at all times. I was not allowed quiet time to myself.
  • Emotional Manipulation. If they wanted something, or wanted me to be with them or for them to be with me, they would start trying to be emotionally manipulative and twist things around to make me look bad (usually because I was standing in a sandbox for about ten minutes, alone, without them by my side).
  • Drama. It usually did not involve me (aside from when they would try to pull me into it, which I would always skirt) but it usually involved their friends or sim owners. Or getting upset about something and not explaining why, leaving me in the dark.
  • Mood Swings. Sweet one moment, nasty the next and giving a lot of attitude, then getting defensive when asked why they were suddenly being mean. Then suddenly becoming sweet again and then sulky.

 

All in all...just a lot of stress stemming from the above five things. And they always emerged after a long while.

 

The last partner was different...emotionally unstable due to RL and not feeling well. They did not do any of the above although they would have random bursts of rage. That relationship ended after they were being sexist about the opposite gender and I pointed out that is wrong, and they went into rage mode.

 

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Relationships takes two people to work out.

Not all women are crazy with paranoia, clinginess, drama queen syndrome or manipulation.

Knew of a guy who had relationship fallouts due to all his GFs having the sama craziness. Turned out he was cheating on all of them, made himself look innocent, saying women are crazy insecure b*****s. His secret calls on a second phone, not answering any calls from his GFs, being secretive, last minute cancellations, and so on. Last I heard he was dating someone, while his fiancee to whom he proposed a month earlier had no idea of his going-ons.

It is sometimes the result of what is occuring in the relationship that drives people to this state of behavior.

 

 

 

 

 

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JKimikoL wrote:

Relationships takes two people to work out.

Not all women are crazy with paranoia, clinginess, drama queen syndrome or manipulation.

Knew of a guy who had relationship fallouts due to all his GFs having the sama craziness. Turned out he was cheating on all of them, made himself look innocent, saying women are crazy insecure b*****s. His secret calls on a second phone, not answering any calls from his GFs, being secretive, last minute cancellations, and so on. Last I heard he was dating someone, while his fiancee to whom he proposed a month earlier had no idea of his going-ons.

It is sometimes the result of what is occuring in the relationship that drives people to this state of behavior.

 

Oh, I know not all women are like that, nor was I trying to imply that they are. And I am fully aware a successful relationship is a two-team effort. It was just me talking about my own experience with three women (and one man, who behaved much differently from the three ladies -- as I said in my last post, the reason we broke up was because he was being sexist about the opposite gender [women] and he became angry when I pointed out that was wrong), in order to answer a question which was asked; to presume that all of a gender act the same way as three people is foolish.

 

I noticed the problems began around when I just wanted alone time. I need space, and I need quiet...a lot of it (I usually did not get to have it anyway, since I would end up TPing them to where I was in order to ease all the paranoid IMs. Thus why I rarely got more than 10-25 minutes of alone time). Maybe that started / fed fears or clinginess? I do not know.

 

I have just decided it's less stressful and more peaceful to remain single, for me personally. You did give me something to think about, though. Thank you.

 Edited to add in a sentence.

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One reason my rare forays into partnership ended was the other party wanting to know too much about my RL...RL,for me, is seperate from SL. Don't try to get into my RL unless I invite you. I will do you the same courtesy and not try to butt into your RL unless you invite me to. I'l voice long enough for you to verify I'm female, if you need that, but don't expect me to talk in SL or get on Skype with you either.

Most of the drama comes when people mix their RL with their SL. It can happen and be successful. I know of at least 3 instances personally, where it's worked.

Part and parcel of the don't rush...don't try, unless invited, to find out about the other person's RL.

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I would say without question that taking things slow is the key, but a large portion of people don't do it that way in sl (I'm being hesistant in using the world "most").  I think many who are open to the idea of companionship allow it to happen ridiculously fast (and words such as "love" enter the picture fast too) and then they end up getting hurt.

I would agree that paranoia/insecurity are another big factor, but that is part and parcel of sl.  A lot of people (males and females) are into the idea of having their cake, and eating it too (i.e. they want someone close, but also very much want to be able to go out and stray) and they will leave the other person hanging high and dry.  SL is a virtual world.  Noone can prove or disprove that another person is running an alt (unless of course if they reveal that fact to another person).

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I have meet my match through the dateing service DatemyAvi we did take are time went on dates and stuff and now  were meeting in real. If your not in a rush and take your time not just be with anyone you will find the right one.  update you profile and stuff you like what your looking and your intrest. have a friend take a photo or go to a photo place on sl and fix it up everyone in while. You dont have ro put your hole life details just some save the last for the right time when the person earns the trust. But some people are looking for in game or in real. But the people that are single unttached looking for real are not going ot deal with attached I mean there is someone for them its there freewill but know one wants to deal with games. Datemyavi even has a site to talk about real and online you dont have to put your real avi name until you feel like shareing it later untell you dater the person. I will say this i heard alot men that some women want to hurry up get married on the first date really come face reality. It does not matter your size just be confedent you can't get mad over that people have there own options. Upgraded avi can also help a person find someone invest in your avi as you do in real lazy will only get you lazy.

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Alot of women here   want to hurry up get married no  afence yes its a red flag I seen it to many times if you want to get to go real you want to know the person is stable and on the same page and is attractive in your eyes why its a good thing to go on skpye and voice . But use your intustion and gut feeling it tells you the truth . takes two to tango people have to have to be on the same page.

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 greek Wingtips wrote:

Agree with youRen. The don't rush is the most important.

Why not *rush* into relationships?  What should they wait for, an opportunity to level up?  There is no importance or one single important issue.  Many people register with secondlife to RUSH into relationships of all kinds whether it be roleplay or real and they bring all their rl baggage as someone mentioned above.  People have relationships or pixelated kink in sl just as they do in rl.  

Nothing makes me laugh more than seeking or offering relationship advice from a bunch of people who are basically losers when it come to relationships.  To quote someone above "I've been in only four relationships since 2006"  and they think this is a good track record or model for others to follow.  /roars.  

 

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I've been in 2 relationships in the 7 years I've been in SL. The first one I broke off when I found out the guy had been lying through his teeth inworld. I didn't care about what he did outside, but inside SL, don't lie to me

The second, again, I broke off. This one was wanting to get into my RL and wouldn't back off.

Both time, it was the guy that offered the partnership, not me. I, however, am the one that broke off the relationships.

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DejaHo wrote:

To quote someone above "
I've been in only four relationships since 2006
"  and they think this is a good track record or model for others to follow.  /roars.  

 

Nah, it's not a track record. Some people -- quite obviously myself included! :smileywink: -- have various reasons for not having / wanting tons and tons of partners (I do not personally see what is so good about having had tons of partners / relationships in a short span of time, or why that would be worth modeling).

 

People are welcome to have as many partners as they like -- I do not want to have a long record, however. If that makes me a loser, then...all right. I'll accept that. I'd rather be a loser who had only a few relationships than be a loser who messed around with a lot of people. Anyway, I think I've posted on this thread enough -- I'm out! :smileytongue:

 

I just had a memory from when I was back in early high school. In math class I was doodling, idly listening to a friend of mine noting how boys and girls seemed to be constantly hooking up and breaking up. She was wondering why, since it seemed to her that everyone was just treating relationships like a game. One of the girls in front of her turned around and with a sneer answered, "Because it's fun!" So it seemed all the dating / hooking up / break-ups were some sort of fun game and expected, and anyone who was not doing that was doing it wrong. Your post sort of reminded me of that girl's mentality.

Edited to add in the memory.

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Bobbie Faulds wrote:

 I didn't care about what he did outside, but inside SL, don't lie to me

 

You never lie?  Never?  Sounds a little like sanctimonious nonsense to me.  I wouldn't want a relationship in SL where there were no secrets and no lies.  This is secondlife, even the way I dress my avatar is a lie.  

 

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Dhuanolil wrote:


DejaHo wrote:

To quote someone above "
I've been in only four relationships since 2006
"  and they think this is a good track record or model for others to follow.  /roars.  

 

Nah, it's not a track record. Some people -- quite obviously myself included! :smileywink: -- have various reasons for not having / wanting tons and tons of partners
(I do not personally see what is so good about having had tons of partners / relationships in a short span of time, or why that would be worth modeling)
.

 

People are welcome to have as many partners as they like --
I do not want to have a long record, however. If that makes me a loser, then...all right. I'll accept that. I'd rather be a loser who had only a few relationships than be a loser who messed around with a lot of people.
Anyway, I think I've posted on this thread enough -- I'm out! :smileytongue:

 

Either you totally misunderstood what I said or I totally misunderstood your defensive response.  

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It's RP...even if you don't consider it so...it's still RP. I have no problem with that. But why volunteer info that is later found out to be a lie? I didn't ask for the info, it was said for whatever reason. Relationships are built on a certain amount of trust. If you'te playing your avi a particular way and expect that, don't change in the middle. Just didn't want to deal with the drama, and he was, as I discovered, a drama llama.

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The number one reason I see couples break up in SL has to do with RL/SL expectations. It's good to get this decided at the outset and if you're not on the same page for goodness sake, please, go your seperate ways. There is no right or wrong when it comes to RL/SL involvment; but when individuals want/need different things in this regard; it becomes the issue from which almost all other issues stem.

And I agree with others who talk about taking the time to get to know one another. Yes, beginning of affair highs, and end of the affair drama can be intoxicating...but if we want our relationships to last we need to be willing to take them seriously.

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Of course it goes without saying that the lack of mutual respect is the number one downfall of most relationships...so that needs to be present. Open communication is key for respect to grow and mature, along with both parties AND the relationship.

The very easiest way to sustain a relationship, anywhere but especially in sl, once you have the respect and open communication, is to have the same expectations. Once you have all of that, you have a pretty darn good foundation to build upon. If any of those components are missing however, the relationship is likely to be very rocky, perhaps even volatile and as a result, self destructive.

This year marks our 7th year together as both a sl and rl relationship...though the beginning of our relationship(friends) began years before.

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I must be niave because I really thought the number one reason SL relationships didn't work was cheating.  I dated one person and found he had 4 avi's and three of them were partnered.  Now that is some heavy cheating he had a house for each one.  LOL and SMH  He seemed amazed i didn't want to be the 5th and that I was smart enough to catch him on all of his alts.

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Having few relationships over a long time is not being a loser.  It could be those relationships lasted for years.  If you want to have as many as you can, it's your SL, but not everyone is in to that and just because someone wants something differen than you do doesn't make them a loser.

Where the problem comes in is if you aren't honest with someone about that to start with and they are looking for one relationship that is long term.  Then YOU are a loser.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...

My two cents is that in order to sustain a relationship in SL is probably to keep it IN SL if possible.  The more you transfer outside of SL to RL, the more it can change how you see that person IN SL.  It is very possible to ruin an amazing SL relationship by seeing that other person in person.  Not that seeing them in person cannot result in beautiful things.... My point is, it might then be very difficult to go back to just being together on SL.  Now you KNOW that person first hand. Now they are REAL.  For some, this does not matter.  But for others, it does.  And that is why I lost my best friend and one time SL lover.... we met in RL and clicked beautifully.  The problem is, RL was not right for us to have the same kind of relationship due to our individual RL situations.  We became simply phone friends for a while, but still loved eachother.  Then he started going back on SL and fooling around.  We had several discussions about trying again with eachother on SL but he never wanted to... said I was too REAL for him now and he would want me in RL again too much... it broke my heart. I cannot even go on SL as that particular AVI now because I miss him horribly. .......   I cannot say we'd still be together for sure if we'd only stayed on SL, but I do know we had something really great there and now I cannot get it back.

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