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Jinx Deceit

How to deal with the alt situation?

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People will only do to you what you allow them to do. Do you really think so little of yourself that you're willing to 'share' your partner rather than lose him? Honey - if you're having to 'share' him, you never really had him to begin with. 

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In my humble opinion (and no, I'm not humble at all). You have to figure out why this bothers you so much. You admit you are getting what you want from him. Love, companionship, sex, attention.. If you are happy with what you have with him, why is there an issue concerning what you percieve that you don't have with him?

One thing about a virtual world is that you can have, be and do anything you ever thought of. If you can have and do it all, why settle for only one thing? More importantly, he's not putting this 'in your face' that is; he is choosing to do this when you're not around. So imagine if you will for a moment, if he stops playing with his alts, becomes bored with the things you two are doing and has no outlet to satisfy his other needs or desires, what do you think will happen when he gives up his other 'toys' because you asked him to do so. It's very possible, he enjoys learning things from his other playmates then brings that knowledge back to you to improve his skill and become your ultimate adonis.

I would not justify or qualify his behavior, but I would suggest you look closely at your own. We can't 'own' anyone, only ourselves. It doesn't sound like he is trying to hurt you, nor you him. But you can lose a good part of something if you decide you must have 'everything'. A good number of relationships die because many people assume that they can be or should be someones everything, when that's simply not true. We keep 'friends' even after finding our 'companion' because there are parts of ourselves we wouldn't want our 'companion' to know. A guy that wants to hit a woman, may not necessarily hit his wife, but he wouldn't want his wife to know that is a desire of his. (not condoning, just using it as an example). If he finds a woman who enjoys being his punching bag, he has fulfilled his need without hurting the one he loves and in most cases he's not saddled with a strange chick who wants to be abused. Win/win... at least it would be unless you discover this is his desire and insist he hit you instead (probably not something you would want-I'm guessing)

So my conclusion is this: let him give some random woman the golden shower of her dreams while continues to treat you like a princess. As much as you might think you want to know everything about him and share every part of him, you might be better off enjoying the part he is willing and able to share, the part you are in love with. If he doesn't have an issue with it, maybe instead of worrying all night or becoming a stalker, find something you enjoy doing that doesn't involve him. We all need a little space from one another, even in a virtual world. So stop concentrating on what you "think, might" be happening and enjoy what is happening.

My final note: Flowers always smell the sweetest when they are already packaged and sitting pretty in a store, you never have to know they were grown in a pile of sh*t.

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Jinx Deceit wrote:

he says he doesnt want to hurt me so
if he doesnt want to hurt me he just needs to stop
doing it i guess and have what he has with me.

Did you ask him to stop? Did you say how much the situation hurts you?

Now facts:
  • you gave him the space to play with others
  • for him it was not enough to play as you said its okay with you, he needed to go behind your back
  • he repeats he doesn't want to hurt you but is doing exactly that
  • you are not able to change him and make him stop hurting you

 

When a person is saying one thing but doing another we call them liars. When a person cares about other person, will do anything for them, break the sky and steal the moon just to make this other person happy. 

He does not care for you as much as you care for him. For your own sanity, move away and stop everything, the situation is damaging your heart and soul, move away and go find another guy who will be happy to listen your needs, please you and do what makes you happy.

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I do not agree. I do not think it needs to have anything to do with feeling little. To let your partner have some own fun (with his alt), can also be a sign of feeling kind of selfconsidence and a way to show him love beyound own needs. Real love, given beyond own limits.

After all, this is SL and not real life...this is a world filled with possibilities for trying things, you would never do in real. This man has not kept is as a secret, that he likes to try SL out in many ways...He did not lie.

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PS! The OP asks how to deal with the alt situation ... No one can really tell you that, but you can maybe learn from others experiences and explanations about this alt-behaviour. We are all different, and what I could accept, is not equal to what you might accept...It is an old phrase - I know - but you will get the answer in your own heart, and I think it is already in there.

It is hard to change other people - but even harder, to change ourselves.

Good luck girly :)

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There is no magic bullet for this situation.  You have two choices and no one can say which is the right one for you, except yourself.  1) You can tolerate his alt as long as it doesn't interfere with your time with him or 2) give him an ultimatum to get rid of it or break up permanently and the follow through if he refuses to give up the alt.

What is right and wrong must be agreed to by the two people in the relationship, not by a committee of people on a forum.  However, from what you have said, you think it's cheating since you are not part of it, even though you say you have an open relationship.  If that is how you really feel then probably the second choice is your only choice.  It is better to break up now if he won't comply then to allow things to fester further and suffer more pain in the long run.

 

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Sorry, but I also have to agree with the other poster. From the last paragraph I see the same signs of insecurity in myself that I've learned to deal with (10 years of an extremely abusive marriage, 6yrs of rebuilding myself and even dealing with a couple stinky relationships that did exactly what you're describing; except in real life; before I realized I'm worth more than that) Before I met the absolute coolest and most fun and most understanding guy(on SL even!!) nearly 2yrs ago. He understands my insecurities, doesn't prey/play on them; hell we have the same insecurities on eachother! (We now live together RL) We've never had an argument which has so far surprised the hell out of me. We talk about things, good and bad.

But yeah, something is toxic in your relationship; and from the way you're talking, you see it too. You just don't want to outright admit it to yourself. I was in the BDSM community for a few years locally(trying to give an example, bear with me) I had a couple girlfriends who were in those polyamorous relationships. Now, two of these friends were married and one was just dating and in the 'pool' of ... I dunno how to call it lol; but all they ever talked about was how open and honest their mates were with them; how there was no cheating going on, it all happened with full knowledge and consent, yada yada yada... except one. Yesh she was married and all that and she figured out her husband was doing those late night rounds and how they got into a big argument that he said it wasn't cheating because she had said it was all ok to begin with and blah blah blah. However, it being the whole polyamorous thing made it even more complicated and their marriage ended up ruined because he couldn't see how much it hurt her for him to consider that perfectly ok even after they had an aggreement to discuss everything. She saw him as hiding something (which it ended up he was hiding an affair) And he saw it as 'harmless fun'.

Anyway, I'm getting into a ramble. There was a difference and it IS cheating if it's going behind your back while you're offline.

Don't be ok with it. So what if you two have been together for 2 years. Why does he have to do it on an alt? What's he hiding? You are worth more than the value he's placing on your relationship by disregarding your discomfort and going out after you're asleep and 'playing around' Yes 2 years is a long time in SL, hell it's a long time in most relationships now days. But by your own words you are voicing discomfort and sadness about this. The whole "...its very important that he has this lil single kinda flirty life , and i think he rather not bring me into it... "is horsecrap. Sorry. But that shouldn't be going on, even in a polyamorous relationship. He's a classic cheater and you need to realize you have more value than that. It's going to hurt to come to that realization yourself (you're already beginning to based on your own words) But once you do, it'll be easier to flat out tell him that he's pond scum for using the poly lifestyle to validate his cheating. You'll be much happier too.

And you're right, it won't matter what aggreement you two come to; he's already openly cheating on you by using this 'alt' to screw around while you're sleeping and telling you it's just part of his 'single flirty life but you know I wuv you so much I'm telling you about it'... He'll just start going behind your back completely, which to me is just as bad as what he's doing now.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, But you're already leading yourself into a direction of what you should do for yourself. Polyamory is not for everybody (It's not for me). You seem ok with what does go on in a safe, sane and consentual poly relationship and what's going on wouldn't be right even in a physical one, it doesn't matter that it's strictly online and long distance for you. You need to do what makes you happy and this toxic sounding relationship isn't what's happy and healthy for you. He isn't going to change.

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It's bothering you because you two came to an agreement and he's not honoring that. It doesn't matter what we all say, you're here for brevity and clarity. I get that. But ultimately it's how YOU feel. You say it hurts that he's doing this. You two have an 'open relationship' that means he OK's it with you FIRST, and you OK whatever it is you wanted to do with him. 

Flip the coin... How pissed off would he be if you played while he was offline and didn't bother to tell him about it til later? Relationships are two way streets, even online ones.

He says he loves you, he's not showing it very well by doing the cheater shuffle even though you guys have an open/poly relationship. 

 

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BilliJo Aldrin wrote:

Since you gave him free reign to play the only reason he has an alt is to hide his main from his new gfs.

IMHO, hes scum, dump him
:)

My boyfriend and I agree that's pretty much it in a nutshell.

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Well, I don't see any guys answering..so I'll say what I think here.

This is SL...you have to remember that. Trying to extract RL devotion and dedication from it will most likely cause you pain..and cause your partner frustration.


For most men..this is a fantasy world. Women too I'd imagine. We come in here to experience things that we can only dream of in RL...so the idea of coming in SL and just doing the same RL stuff is very boring and restricting.

You will only drive yourself insane by watching the log in date of his alt. Take it for what it is..he is faithful to you on his main avatar and enjoys some kinky after hours stuff on another. Simple. IT'S SECONDLIFE.. don't take it so seriously.


I've met far too many women who are trying to fill voids in SL . This virtual world can be useful to a certain extent in that regard, BUT... in my opinion...it's not a good platform for serious relationships. Both partners would really have to be on the same page and needing the same thing for there to be balance in that.

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This is an honest question, not me being an ass. If it doesn't bother you if he chooses to do these things in front of you, why does it bother you so much he does them away from you, but isn't hiding it and you two have talked about it? I would have to say, if I were a betting man, that these things would bother you both in front of and behind you. I only gather this guess from your responses. I could be wrong.

I could understand the feelings a little bit more if he were not open and honest with you about what he is doing. You have said that he is in your replies and that you've talked about it together. Feelings and opinions can change, as it seems yours have. That's something you need to discuss with him and be able to explain tho. Maybe you're sending him mixed signals about what you really want from him and in our relationship. If you can't explain why or even when your opinions and feelings changed, it's even less likely he'll understand.

Editing to add something: In one of your replies you stated that he says he needs this "life apart", but that you want to be part of his life apart. Doesn't that completely contradict his need for some time apart? Not that he needs to necessarily have that time with other women. I'm sure there are lots of other things he could do. But needing some kind of space to ourselves isn't a bad thing.

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He wants to have friends that arnt necessarily your friends. 

Did you guys make promises not to seek out other people (as primary or ults)?

He has said what he wants, now you have to decide if you can live with that or with out him. 

Your decision.

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Jinx Deceit wrote:

we have discussed upfront the dealbreakers and for me this has
allways been a dealbreaker
...
hiding things
/cheating behind my back is a nono... and he did open up about it but
only after i  pointed it out
;
 

Sounds pretty clear-cut to me. Alts are a distraction - he's happy to violate your trust provided it stays a secret. This will continue until you catch him enough times for you to finally get rid. This will keep happening, and if it really is a 'dealbreaker', then there's only one place for this relationship to go.

Deal broken. The end.

The difference between things that happen with your knowledge is consent and trust. By going behind your back - with him knowing your feelings on doing so, and disregarding them - he's showing that he doesn't need your consent, and doesn't deserve your trust. Having a flexible, fun, kinky relationship requires both, and you doesn't require you to become a doormat or sublimate your own expectations.

You don't need talks or rules - no relationship needs to specifically forbid the use of alts, that's dumb. Trust is trust, and exploitation of that trust is always wrong. If he was interested in negotiating with you he would've done it before breaking the rules you'd both agreed upon.

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Let's break this down a bit, shall we?

A. I have been dating someone in sl for allmost two years now, we havent partnered yet we want to wait for the right time to do it... and do it properly and not to fast

Two years? And you haven't partnered...and you don't wan to move too fast? If you haven't done it in two years, I have a feeling it's not going to happen at all. I know people who get partnered after a few weeks.

B. So the issue is this, we have  a pretty open-kinda relationship  im open to a lot, threesomes in sl lot of fun kinks we do it all and want to do it all,(not getting into details lol)  id even enjoy watching him flirt  etc with other girls... allthough i have expressed to him i really wouldnt like him pixel**bleep**ing some random chick behind my back without me knowing about it..i rather him do it in -front- of me lol

Do you REALLY like it when he flirts and has SLex with some random chick in front of you? Deep down, how does that make you feel? Do you feel wanted? Loved? Like he is the man to spend the rest of your SLife with?? Honestly???

C.  and i found out he has been logging on his alt again cause i can tell in the groups he started logging on him every night when i go to bed.. im pretty sure he has others now cause he knows i keep an eye out on the one i do know about..

How did all THAT come about? What made you decide to click in and see that he has alts out there that he's cheating on you with? Something had to spark that? If you're tracking him, there's a clue right there.

D.  he has expressed to me he need this 'life apart' in sl .. i can kind of understand but like i said i rather be some part  of it... he says he loves me dearly and he doesnt want to hurt me and he is lucky to have me, he is not doing this to replace me,he makes it clear on his alt he is not looking for a relationship, just sex....  but my problem is i dont understand it at all, to me i concider it cheating , but in a nicer form, to him its not concidered cheating ,he can't explain but he will allways put me first , and he does he spend all day with me...untill late night arrives

Ok...do you know if he's doing this on days when you're not inworld? Again I ask you...how does this make you feel? Are you happy that he's doing this? The "it's just sex" thing doesn't bode well for him. And that you can't understand it and he won't explain it throws up another red flag for me.

E. what bothers me most is everynight i go to bed and wonder is he **bleep**ing or flirting with some chick on  whatever alt.. am i missing something here, am i doing something wrong.. i expressed to him that im open to a lot and id basicly do anything..and i dont getit he can have and do anything with me.. but he still needs and wants this 'alone' time .. maybe some of the guys/men in this forum can relate and give me some insight on it?

If it bothers you, then it bothers you and no, you're not doing something wrong and you're not missing something. And, if he needs his alone time, tell him to go out hunting zombies or sailing on the Blake Sea. Alone time is not going out and having SLex with random girls..especially if it bothers you.

F.  i can deal with this for now but in time it would drive me nuts and it would make me unhappy in the end...  is there a way we could work something out where both parties can be happy and satisfied .. i dont know what he means, i dont understand him basicly , we dont fight when i bring it up so far its been just  me asking why and him saying he cant really explain...

If it's going to make you unhappy in the end, then I feel the end is near. He really can't explain?? That's what serial killers say after their murder sprees. If he can't explain it, you can't accept that then he shouldn't do it.

G.  i think  even if we came to an agreement he'd end up making another alt and  keep doing it..

Yup!

Bottom line is that even though you came up with this arrangement two years ago, things have obviously changed for you. You feel stronger towards him and maybe more possessive then you did back then. The arrangement needs to be revised. This needs to not be the "elephant in the room" but the pretty picture that you both can look at and be happy with.

Don't settle...your happiness is just as important as his...even more to you.

There's my two cents worth....

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I have learned that it is hard to find a male who wants to be monogamous.  They start out that way then they decide they are getting bored and want to see other people.  Its fine if that was your agreement (open relations) but when they do it behind your back which is not part of the agreement and it bothers you it is time to cut ties and find someone else.  You are kidding yourself if you think you will ever be fine with it or if he will ever stop doing it.  He is bored and wants his cake on the side.  He does it when you are sleeping because he knows it is wrong and wasnt what you agreed upon.  He is a liar and a cheater and just because he told you after some probing and couldnt deny it he is now trying to justify it and say you agreed on seeing other people.

On the other hand since you agreed to a polyamorous relationship you really dont have the right to complain if he is taking advantage of it.  You let him do it by setting the boundaries in the first place so now he is just pushing those boundaries because it is thrilling to him.  Either break it off and see it as a contract that he broke or continue to let him do as he pleases and stop complaining.

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AliciaJRyan wrote:

On the other hand since you agreed to a polyamorous relationship you really dont have the right to complain if he is taking advantage of it.

This is a weird and false statement. All romantic relationships involve two or more people with personal agency, they entirely have the right to complain or negotiate the dynamic regardless of the way it starts, what people agree to originally, etc. Pushing boundaries can be fun when it's done in an agreeable and ethical way, and doesn't exploit the trust present within a relationship. I'd also disagree with you that the relationship described in this thread (or in your posts) meets the requirements for polyamory - my understanding is that this is most similar to swinging (in poly, there's no couple privilege, and it's not necessary for both partners to consent to a third-party joining only one of the partners).

It's the way the partner in the OP's relationship is behaving that is unhealthy, not the actions themselves. The sneaking around, the excuses and lies. The OP's spying from insecurity makes bad actors of both participants - this relationship, regardless of the ground it started on - is no longer functional.

Mostly sounds like you have a bias against open/non-mono relationships that's affecting your perspective, and making your comments less useful. 'Cake on the side' just means more cake. Who doesn't love cake! ;)

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You need to leave him, thats not right and I wouldnt allow it personally. I have alts and if im wiht someone I am wiht that one person and he knows all my other acccounts 

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thanks for your thoughts, and i want to thank everyone for their input, advice, thoughts and opinions. it was helpfull seeing what everybody wrote about it and point out things i should keep in mind..

i  just dont know what to respond anymore other then to thank everyone.

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