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Dove Mornington

SL BLOG ON RELATIONSHIPS AND FEELING IN SECOND LIFE

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HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO?  DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE SAME?  CAN YOU IDENTIFY WITH SOME OF THESE SITUATIONS? WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED SECOND LIFE LOVE? WHO ARE THE PLAYERS IN SECOND LIFE? WHAT KIND OF COMPLICATIONS COME FROM PLAYING AS A MARRIED OR SINGLE PLAYER? BREAKING UP IN SECOND LIFE. 

Its all here, years of journaling and studying feelings in Second life. Go to

http://dovemornington.blogspot.com/

 

 

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First I want to say thank you for sharing such personal moments of both your RL and your SL. I so understand what you are conveying....how the heart knows no boundaries when it comes to love. I also understand how RL can limit your actions in SL. I have as you described, wanted to reach into the box (compurter) and pull forth the person of my wants and desires....the person that my heart has come to love. I dread the day when we reach the place where we must part for our own sanity. Thank you for letting me know that is a survivable situation. I wish you the best in your new direction of travel... I will keep you in my prayers and may God bless...... feel free yto wave if you ever see me inworld...

Thankfully

, wdwalker

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I respect your feelings and am glad SL helped you through a very tough time in your RL.  I also congratulate you on ending a relationship that no longer worked for you.  However, I think you are taking your personal experience and projecting it on a lot of people in SL inaccurately. 

You wonder what everyone is running away from in RL.  Not everyone in SL is running away.  There are a lot of people that know how to balance their SL and RL.  There are also people in SL that really do have no hope of a social life in RL or the ability to do much of anything and it will never change due to serious illness or disability.  I don't view these people as running away, but as finding a way to cope with their lot in RL and to have a more normal mentally healthy life.

 

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First of all: Turn that damn capslock off.

Second: No, not everyone run away from something and automatically assuming that is not only a simple way of thinking, but also rude to some degree. But you underline pretty well, why I get mental shivers, when I hear people talking about "players" in terms of people in Second Life.

Also no, I keep myself out of any drama, inside and outside of SL.

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hello Dove, I am finding your blog  very interesting. I am trully enjoying reading it

Anyhow, in your entry from June 15th 2009 you said Prior to the loss of my hubby, Second Life was only a playground for my imagination. I never crossed over into real life. Now, as a single wanting to meet another eligible singles, I find that crossing over is certainly an option I would entertain if I found the right person.”

Well, ok, a long time has passed since you wrote such entry, and perhaps your approach to SL has changed in these more than 4 years, anyhow, IMHO, That’s the wrong  approach to SL dating, (though I know that  many people will disagree with me regarding this opinion)

Why so many people, you included, keep entertaining, and more or less subtly encouraging the possibility of a SL relationship to become a RL one? Such idea should be actively discouraged; as the inadequate idea it really is, because way too many times, to think and act otherwise, it’s recipe for disaster.

Would you or anyone else go to purchase a pair of shoes to a bookstore? Guess not… Then,  why  so many people thinks that to look for, or  expect to find a real relationship in “fantasyland”-where none of the real life circumstances  and hardships that make each of us what we are do exists- is the right thing to do?

“What happens in SL stays in SL”. This is IMO the motto all SL users should keep in mind and abide to… I just wish that this, let’s say “Trend” of seeing SL as a social network instead of a “field of dreams” will end any day soon

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Jasmyn Vaher wrote:

 

Would you or anyone else go to purchase a pair of shoes to a bookstore? Guess not… Then,  why  so many people thinks that to look for, or  expect to find a real relationship in “fantasyland”-where none of the real life circumstances  and hardships that make each of us what we are do exists- is the right thing to do?

“What happens in SL stays in SL”. This is IMO the motto all SL users should keep in mind and abide to… I just wish that this, let’s say “Trend” of seeing SL as a social network instead of a “field of dreams” will end any day soon

The reason not everyone adapts a "sl is sl, rl is rl" attitude is the same answer you'd get when you ask the opposite question. Different strokes, for different folks. What works for some, won't work for others. What spells out a recipe for disaster for some, doesn't for others.

While you may not see, hear of, or read many stories of people who have successfully bridged the gap between online relationships and in person relationships, they exist. There are plenty of them out there. That includes sl. People meet people all over the world via online methods every single day. To suggest that every single one of those meetings, should they then be taken into in person-and offline reltionships, is just a disaster, would be a flat out lie. Just as saying every single one of those meetings would go smoothly, is a flat out lie.

The real truth is that no one can possibly know exactly how any one relationship(much less a bunch) will go. One can predict, one can judge, one can assume(and occasionally that one may be right) but no one can possibly know with any certainty. The fairtytale stories aren't nearly as juicey or enjoyable for most readers as the not so fairytale stories. Drama and the unsuccessful stories will always herald a better response, a bigger audience, and in the aftermath makes a better dicusssion. That's just human nature, as it were. We're drawn to those stories like mosquitos to light.

My own anecdotal evidence suggesting that more times than not, when relationships are built upon truth, given time to grow and involve people with the same intentions...tend to work out better, is merely anecdotal. It's not really proof of anything, well not definitive proof of anything, anyhow. Just as others' anecdotal evidence to the contrary, based on relationships gone sour, isn't definitive proof of anything.

I wholeheartedly believe that any relationship one gets into, they need to be prepared to share at least some of the same ideals, for it to be successful. Where that relationship begins, how it blooms, whether it stays virtual, or goes real, doesn't much matter. For it to be successful, some ideals need to be shared. Now when you take a relationship started in a vitrual environment, you also need to share at least some of the same approach to that environment, and relationships as a whole. By that I mean, for someone who believes "sl is sl, rl is rl, the two should never mix", meeting someone with the opposite ideal while may be fine and dandy as far as a friendship only relationship, it likely will have many bumps(some perhaps very bad) when those two ideals mix as far as moving beyond friendship goes. Two people of very opposing approaches aren't likely to mingle well beyond friendship. A romantic relationship between two people of such opposing ideals, isn't very likely, and is more likely to cause more problems than it solves. Two people of the same ideal, however, are more likely to be able to work it out. They have a good foundation on which to build. They have like minds, like approaches, even if in the end it does not work out, their story isn't likely to be on the best seller's list either, because it will lack the drama many would rather enjoy.

We all know drama sells, that's simply a fact, lol.

I respect that many may not share my approach, and my ideals. I respect that some have their chosen way of life-be it virtual or not. I understand, usually, why they feel the way they do, as well. Even if I do not share their opinions. What I do not understand, and often find it difficult to respect, is when others believe you should(because they do) feel the same. Simply put, what works for some, won't work for others.

My rl relationship began online(not in sl), and it couldn't have possibly gone any better. We started out as strangers, met online, became friends online...and it simply snowballed from there. We allowed the relationship to grow, before there was ever anything remotely romantic about it. We became the best of friends sharing not only our online selves, but our real selves too. I agree that for some, this is not ideal. This is not what they want. I respect that. But for us, it has worked swimmingly. We couldn't possibly be in a better place than we are. It started because we both had the same ideals and the same approach. It wouldn't have gotten where it has, if either of us had ever felt differently about sharing rl, vs sl(or anywhere online, since that's not where we started). It simply would not work. Trying to mix oil with water may be fun for a short while, but in the end, when all settles, it's still a fruitless venture, for some(maybe not all, I can't say that it will always fail..but...). That is, imo, where a lot of the problems that come to play, begin. Trying to mix two ideals that really have no business trying to mix. That is, often, where the problems arise, and the drama we all read and hear about so often, comes into play.

Personally I give much respect to anyone, for any approach they so choose when it comes to relationships. I hope, they'd offer that same respect. We don't all have to share the same ideals, but respect isn't that difficult to give, freely. Just because certain things don't work out for some, does not mean it will always fail, or even mostly. I can't do a round off back handspring to save my life, but my children can. For them, the trials and errors of performing this stunt, proved to be fruitful. If I were to continue trying it, the only fruit I'd be seeing would be the lime jello while stuck in a hospital bed. There are simply some things certain people can do, that others cannot. There are some things certain people *want to do, that others have no desire to do. Whether or not they are successful, isn't really the point. The point is, they want to try, so they do try. If it fails, they can try again, or decide of that's really something they want to be doing. But, no one gets to decide for them. No one should ever try to decide for them. Free will...and stuff ;)

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I know some people are realtistic dreamers - everything they do become fruitful and beneficial in real world. No problem this people.

But i think most people in Second Life are delusioners - nothing to achieve and just use to kill they extra time pretending they are someone like in they mind. I think they are the same like the people on heroine. 

So, really, this place not for realistic dreamers. I advice them to stop wasting time and go do something useful like go make baby with their abandoned wife or husband.

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Well; yes, as other times I have said, I may come across as some sort of “pompous bearer of the only truth” My apologies. No disrespect intended. I am very aware that which works for one person may not work for the next one. Anyhow, my opinion applies specifically to SL relationships -or relationships taking place in alike virtual worlds- rather than online relationships in a broader sense. IMO, Online dating sites, same as ordinary chat sites are not so “wrapped in fantasy” as SL is, therefore, chances of  meeting a person and their “real reality” (sorry for this silly choice of words) are much higher

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Jasmyn Vaher wrote:

Well; yes, as other times I have said, I may come across as some sort of “pompous bearer of the only truth” My apologies. No disrespect intended. I am very aware that which works for one person may not work for the next one. Anyhow, my opinion applies specifically to SL relationships -or relationships taking place in alike virtual worlds- rather than online relationships in a broader sense. IMO, Online dating sites, same as ordinary chat sites are not so “wrapped in fantasy” as SL is, therefore, chances of  meeting a person and their “real reality” (sorry for this silly choice of words) are much higher

Well true the chance of meeting someone "real"-for lack of better term, somewhere that they are merely roleplaying, aren't necessarily very high, it still happens. It happens a lot more often than people think. While I met my hubby online, it wasn't a dating site, lol. It was actually a game, a very simple game at that. People are often surprised when they hear that. Just as they're often surprised when they hear of successful sl to rl matches here in sl. I sometimes find it funny that folks are so surprised, because I know, without a doubt it happens a LOT. The stories just aren't always nearly as juicey as the, admittedly many, failed stories.

Sure for us romantics, they're wonderful stories to read about, but for most, nah, they're just not interesting. Especially if they weren't whirlwind, overnight, or short-time-span sort of stories. Relationships that are developed over time are far less interesting to people. Like mine, lol. It's a boring story to most people-well, except the people who know us, who still laugh at the fact that it ever came to be, and even moreso that it still is, hehe.

I just hate seeing such broad brushes painted over relationships in general, I suppose. While I know many don't, or won't, work out in the end. I do know a lot do, a lot more than many are willing to admit. Just look at how many don't work out when there is no online involvement whatsoever. The numbers are different, of course, but, imo, the odds are about the same, regardless. Whether you're looking for love somewhere offline, or somewhere online, if you meet someone with similar ideals, you've already got better odds than someone who hasn't. So there is, imo, nothing wrong with looking for love somewhere online-be it sl or not. How you approach it matters a whole lot, though.

My advice to people "still looking"(again, sorry, lack of better term here), don't give up. No matter how many times you hear "don't bother", "it won't work", "it can't work" or any other negative thing that can be said....there is *always a chance it will. If you're willing, the other party is willing, there is absolutely no reason to not give it a try. If it doesn't work out, you still shouldn't give up. Failed relationships aren't the end all be all, anymore than successful ones are. For every bad relationship, there is always a good one out there too. It's very easy to be pessimistic towards sl relationships(and I don't say this in a bad way, at all, please understand that-I do understand fully why some people are) when all you hear about are the bad ones. It's easy to get lost in the feeling that they are all more likely to fail, when it's all you hear about, or worse, experience. They truly aren't all, or even mostly, bad. I can promise you that much :)

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Hi everyone, I'm looking to speak to people in the UK with experiences of cyber-relationships. If anyone is willing to talk to me confidentially please email me alana.mcverry@roughcut-tv.com

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The biggest problem I have with relationships in SL is that they are usually done and overwith in an average span of about 3 months.  In that time, both people will usually feel powerful emotions, and then in a matter of months it's all overwith.  Yes, there are exceptions to this, but they are in the vast minority.


And I've heard all too often of people who will then dive into another relationship, sometimes in a span of less than two weeks (24 hours is not unheard of).  And while I lack a degree in psychology, I often wonder just how healthy it is for someone's psyche to do that.

 

I applaud the people who find and manage to maintain a healthy relationship in sl, and people who manage both RL and SL in a healthy way.  But all too often this is not the case.

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