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Synfully21Sweet

Question for Subs/Doms

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Synfully21Sweet wrote:

Thank you for your wise words. I am going to ask him to slow down and hope he can understand.


 If he doesn't understand, then he's not worth waiting for. You are in control right now. You do what YOU think is best. THAT'S the final word, dear....

Good luck.

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Snugs McMasters wrote:

Maddy thinks she's a psychologist.

This is starting to worry me.

 I am tempted to hook you both up to electrodes to see what makes you tick....:matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

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Perrie Juran wrote:


Tex Monday wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.  


 Well, wait no longer Perrie...for I am here. (or is that WAY too egotistical of me??) :matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

 

I don't know whether or not that is egotistical of you but you have assumed that you were included in the list.

 

Tex Monday wrote:


But a good Master will still give their slaves some slack if they request it. Mine, for example, has a job dancing in a few clubs in SL.


This reads more like someone trying to portray themselves as a 'Nice Master.' 

 

 

(I know we could argue semantics here.  I know some Masters/Mistresses who would consider the idea of 'giving some slack' poor form on their part)

I could argue that, in the widest sense of the term "nice", if one isn't nice, one isn't a master. If a relationship isn't mutually beneficial, it isn't "nice".

Someone who has a "form" in mind is responsible for ensuring any partner willingly accepts the form. This isn't really any different than a Packer fan considering it poor form to cheer for the Vikings. If team affiliation is important, make sure you snuggle with someone who wears the same colors.

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Sephina Frostbite wrote:

Having a bad day storm. Way to attack someone who innocently asked a question. She wasnt asking whos fault it was. Even stated he was a nice guy. She was asking how it goes at first since she is new at this. Gain others insights. We all dont start new things knowing everything. Chill out for once stop being no negative. She wants to take it slow nothing wrong with that.


 

 Ok.  But I really enjoy participating. 

PS In no way was I "attacking", oh well.  We all read our own way.

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Your talking to pie/storm (i think there the same person I can't tell. It's like storm is the mildly nicer pie) don't try and reason. Honestly. Reading this he clearly thinks all the D/s relationships are the same. That all subs are weaklings submitting totally and begging. This from what I've seen of course is not the case but let him have his little holier then thou moment dear.

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Perrie Juran wrote:

This reads more like someone trying to portray themselves as a 'Nice Master.' 

 

(I know we could argue semantics here.  I know some Masters/Mistresses who would consider the idea of 'giving some slack' poor form on their part)

 I don't want to argue at all....:matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

My goal..not to defend my style of dominating...is to keep the sub happy. If they like to go out and dance to earn money for themselves, that's fine. If she is unhappy, then you're not going to have a good relationship. That's not for everyone...some people like the complete dominance and I can do that too..but it all depends on a mutual understanding of how the relationship should be.

In this case, and I think all of us agree, that this guy is exterting his domiance over this girl when she's not ready. He gets mad when she doesn't contact him right away, he "bugs out" if she asks for quiet time. This isn't the guy for her.

As I said before, leave him...find someone you can connect with and have those mutually agreed upon limits and roleplay. It may take time, don't get discouraged.

Another idea, if you think you find the right guy (or girl) would be to set up a test period. Give it a month, add it into the rp (he bought you from a brothel or something....) and see how it works out. That way, if in that time you don't hit it off, you can leave. Also, very important; when you do find the right Dominant, talk to them. Let them know what you're feeling and what you like to do as well as what they like to do.

good luck, dear

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Tex Monday wrote:


As I said before, leave him...find someone you can connect with and have those mutually agreed upon limits and
roleplay.

Roleplay?

I get the impression the OP is not wanting to "play" at this role.

Is that what you do?  Play at being a Master? 

Either you are a Master or you are not.  Either you are a Sub or you are not.

Complying with what a Master or Mistress says is not the same as submitting.

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Perrie Juran wrote:

Roleplay?

I get the impression the OP is not wanting to "play" at this role.

Is that what you do?  Play at being a Master? 

Either you are a Master or you are not.  Either you are a Sub or you are not.

Complying with what a Master or Mistress says is not the same as submitting.

 It's all play..he's not coming to her house and making her submit. He's trying to get her to be his slave in SL, IMO roleplaying the part of a submissive. She can easily turn off the computer and walk away and the submission is over. Maybe I'm getting it wrong...

And I disagree with the highlighted statement, Perrie. I've done both...I've been a dom to my slave and I've let my slave domme me when I'm in that kind of a mood. I even have a Mistress friend I play with now and then.

Maybe one of us (probably me) is misunderstanding what she is looking for. Only she can figure that out as well..but everyone works differently.

As I said, just my opinion.

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Sephina Frostbite wrote:



Having a bad day storm. Way to attack someone who innocently asked a question. She wasnt asking whos fault it was. Even stated he was a nice guy. She was asking how it goes at first since she is new at this. Gain others insights. We all dont start new things knowing everything. Chill out for once stop being no negative. She wants to take it slow nothing wrong with that.

First of all, why would we need to wait for someone to ask "whose fault it is" before we pointed it out?  Sometimes people need a good knock on the head. And how do you know that she has asked her question "innocently?'  That is an assumption on your part. 

Why such a need to defend the OP?  Did you think the OP was not capable of defending herself?

Lastly, to the real issue at hand, "he is a nice guy," in the estimation of most of the responders to this thread, actually, no he is not.  Do you always blindly assume that anyone claiming to be a Master is 'a nice guy?"

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Tex Monday wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:

Roleplay?

I get the impression the OP is not wanting to "play" at this role.

Is that what you do?  Play at being a Master? 

Either you are a Master or you are not.  Either you are a Sub or you are not.

Complying with what a Master or Mistress says is not the same as submitting.

 It's all play..he's not coming to her house and making her submit. He's trying to get her to be his slave in SL, IMO roleplaying the part of a submissive. She can easily turn off the computer and walk away and the submission is over. Maybe I'm getting it wrong...

And I disagree with the highlighted statement, Perrie. I've done both...I've been a dom to my slave and I've let my slave domme me when I'm in that kind of a mood. I even have a Mistress friend I play with now and then.


I could have and probably should have added "switch" to that statement.  I did think it while composing my response.  It just never made it from my brain to the keyboard.  I got distracted by my spell checker once again not recognizing a common word.

 


Tex Monday wrote:


Maybe one of us (probably me) is misunderstanding what she is looking for. Only she can figure that out as well..but everyone works differently.

As I said, just my opinion.

 

I agree completely.  Unless she tells us herself what she is looking for all we are doing is making scientific wild arsed guesses based upon our personal knowledge and experience.  ;)

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Tex Monday wrote:

.... Only she can figure that out as well..
but everyone works differently.

As I said, just my opinion.

Everyone works differently?  Shouldn't all relationships/friendships be founded in the same principles: kindness, trust, desire, respect?  Why should a dom/sub relationship be any different?  It should not, nor is it.  Many non-dom/sub relationships struggle with the same issue(s) as what the OP writes.  If one can not get their head around this then one should not tip-toe into a potentially volatile relationship where it may or may not be assumed.

 

 

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Perrie Juran wrote:


Sephina Frostbite wrote:


... Way to attack someone who innocently asked a question.
She wasnt asking whos fault it was.


.... First of all,
why would we need to wait for someone to ask "whose fault it is"
before we pointed it out?

But, but at the end of her OP she clearly asked  "Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon..." 

 

 

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Perrie Juran wrote:


Sephina Frostbite wrote:



Having a bad day storm. Way to attack someone who innocently asked a question. She wasnt asking whos fault it was. Even stated he was a nice guy. She was asking how it goes at first since she is new at this. Gain others insights. We all dont start new things knowing everything. Chill out for once stop being no negative. She wants to take it slow nothing wrong with that.

First of all, why would we need to wait for someone to ask "whose fault it is" before we pointed it out?  Sometimes people need a good knock on the head. And how do you know that she has asked her question "innocently?'  That is an assumption on your part. 

Why such a need to defend the OP?  Did you think the OP was not capable of defending herself?

Lastly, to the real issue at hand, "he is a nice guy," in the estimation of most of the responders to this thread, actually, no he is not.  Do you always blindly assume that anyone claiming to be a Master is 'a nice guy?"

We're all working on sparse evidence here. Athough Hanlon got credit for the razor, it's been long observed that incompetence is more prevalent than malice. I hope I'm an example of that. If we take the Ms. Sweet's "nice guy" claim at face value, it seems plausible that he's either naive or has expections, born of experience, that don't mesh with hers. I see no reason to crucify him. If she wishes to work a compromise and can, great. If she moves on, that's fine too.

That said, when you are incompentent in something, you can't really judge another's competence in that thing. So you must fall back on other skills to feel your way as you learn, and accept that you're going to make mistakes. I think that's what we are seeing here. Ms. Sweet is embarking on a new adventure. I commend her for asking advice, and suggest she take ours with a grain of salt. I can't vouch for my own competence, much less for any of you.

;-)

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Storm Clarence wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:


Sephina Frostbite wrote:


... Way to attack someone who innocently asked a question.
She wasnt asking whos fault it was.


.... First of all,
why would we need to wait for someone to ask "whose fault it is"
before we pointed it out?

But, but at the end of her OP she clearly asked 
"Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon..." 

 

 

Sephina appeared to have it in her mind that the OP had not asked, hence why I asked, "Why would we need to wait?"  I saw this as a bigger issue.  You had already covered the other.  I had nothing more to add on that point.

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:


Sephina Frostbite wrote:



Having a bad day storm. Way to attack someone who innocently asked a question. She wasnt asking whos fault it was. Even stated he was a nice guy. She was asking how it goes at first since she is new at this. Gain others insights. We all dont start new things knowing everything. Chill out for once stop being no negative. She wants to take it slow nothing wrong with that.

First of all, why would we need to wait for someone to ask "whose fault it is" before we pointed it out?  Sometimes people need a good knock on the head. And how do you know that she has asked her question "innocently?'  That is an assumption on your part. 

Why such a need to defend the OP?  Did you think the OP was not capable of defending herself?

Lastly, to the real issue at hand, "he is a nice guy," in the estimation of most of the responders to this thread, actually, no he is not.  Do you always blindly assume that anyone claiming to be a Master is 'a nice guy?"

We're all working on sparse evidence here. Athough Hanlon got credit for the razor, it's been long observed that incompetence is more prevalent than malice. I hope I'm an example of that. If we take the Ms. Sweet's "nice guy" claim at face value, it seems plausible that he's either naive or has expections, born of experience, that don't mesh with hers. I see no reason to crucify him. If she wishes to work a compromise and can, great. If she moves on, that's fine too.

That said, when you are incompentent in something, you can't really judge another's competence in that thing. So you must fall back on other skills to feel your way as you learn, and accept that you're going to make mistakes. I think that's what we are seeing here. Ms. Sweet is embarking on a new adventure. I commend her for asking advice, and suggest she take ours with a grain of salt. I can't vouch for my own competence, much less for any of you.

;-)

I am not a competent guitar player.  In fact I am quite incompetent.  However, I am a competent listener.  And I am not above saying that a band sucked when I ask for my cover charge back as I leave the Club.  Especially if the person who took my money at the door insisted that the band was indeed 'competent.'

 

ETA, Yes I really have and yes I really will do this and yes I have gotten my money back.  :)

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Perrie Juran wrote:

I am not a competent guitar player.  In fact I am quite incompetent.  However, I am a competent listener.  And I am not above saying that a band sucked when I ask for my cover charge back as I leave the Club.  Especially if the person who took my money at the door insisted that the band was indeed 'competent.'

ETA, Yes I really have and yes I really will do this and yes I have gotten my money back. 
:)


Are you a competent listener, or do you know what you like? For me, it's primarily the latter.

I love music, I took several music courses in college, I sometimes play bodhran at Ceili dances (only after everybody is tipsy). I think I know when someone doesn't know how to play their instrument, though Thelonius Monk makes me wonder.  I'll spend hours on YouTube digging through the history of a song, listening to the changes in it over time and space. But I've learned (not to my surprise really) that I've a pretty low level of musical listening competency.

I don't have the encyclopedic knowledge of my semi retired DJ neighbor, though my YouTube exploits sometimes allow me to stay with him for part of one of his weekly radio shows. I'll listen to NPR's music critics and realize that I am very likely missing some pleasures they experience because I've not been exposed to the depth and breadth of music that makes their careers.

I can't tingle over the detection of a riff hidden in a tune if I've never heard the original tune the riff was drawn from, much less understand the connection between the current artist and his inspiration. I have learned enough about some tiny corners of the music world that I now get great pleasure from things that most people just pass by. But, as with anything else I do, the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know.

I've brought the neighbor kid along to some ceilis and gone to concerts with him. He's now a violin student at Berklee. He's never played the bodhran, he's not listened to much Celtic music, but he can take the drum and spin circles around me. He can also take a bass guitar and play a bass line that the other musicians like. I'll often listen to a song with a bass line and try to anticipate where it will go. I'm wrong far more often than right. The neighbor kid? He's more often right than wrong. He understands chord progressions and whatever other things musicians learn that I don't know, so he's able to hear more in the music than I do. He understands it to a degree I don't and I expect can find more to enjoy (or dislike) in it than I do.

As you learn more about playing the guitar, do you find that you're appreciating more about the music you hear than you did before? It was certainly that way for me after taking a class in film music and as I learn more about the history

Although that neighbor kid hates to sing, he's able to sing harmony with songs on the radio. I am completely clueless as to how to do that. All I can do is try to sing the same notes as the lead. I would love to understand how the beautiful harmonies I hear from Joy Williams and John Paul White of "The Civil Wars" work, but I just don't know enough.

And finally, just because I've gone a day without mentioning Feynman. Here's a wonderful discussion of competence...

Does discussing things with me remind you at all of the comic you posted?

;-)

 

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Dear Syn since you are not ready to be dominated, may be you should not enter a D/s relationship right away. Go around, talk to people in the bdsm community, read some stuff, join activities and groups. This way you can slowly develop within the specific field,and have time for yourself as well, while you process things. You can also try having bdsm sessions you can enjoy and as soon as they are over you go home. It seems to me you will have more fun with those rather than with a full time Master. At least for now that you are exploring. Good luck, smooch!!

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I'm going to break this up a bit..


Synfully21Sweet wrote:

1.  I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him.

Good for you.. You should always take things slowly when building any relationship.

2. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready.

If you aren't ready he needs to slow down and help you.

3. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course.

This is actually a false thought. You need to set up a list of hard and soft limits. Put them on a notecard and give it to him.

4. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me.

That is a sign of a poor Dom. RL always ALWAYS comes first. His first instinct should be your well being. A Dom should care for their sub or any sub for that matter.

5.Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

He is being too controlling when he has no idea what you want or need. You are new to the lifestyle and he is acting like a d!ck. If you have not accepted his collar, you are under no obligation to do as he says.



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I do not understand all this BDSM and Dom/sub stuff, but I can understand that if people are into that then they expect others to follow a preset behavior pattern. If one is not happy then go and do something else. Maybe i missing the point.

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:

I am not a competent guitar player.  In fact I am quite incompetent.  However, I am a competent listener.  And I am not above saying that a band sucked when I ask for my cover charge back as I leave the Club.  Especially if the person who took my money at the door insisted that the band was indeed 'competent.'

ETA, Yes I really have and yes I really will do this and yes I have gotten my money back. 
:)


Are you a competent listener, or do you know what you like? For me, it's primarily the latter.

I love music, I took several music courses in college, I sometimes play bodhran at Ceili dances (only after everybody is tipsy). I think I know when someone doesn't know how to play their instrument, though Thelonius Monk makes me wonder.  I'll spend hours on YouTube digging through the history of a song, listening to the changes in it over time and space. But I've learned (not to my surprise really) that I've a pretty low level of musical listening competency.

I don't have the encyclopedic knowledge of my semi retired DJ neighbor, though my YouTube exploits sometimes allow me to stay with him for part of one of his weekly radio shows. I'll listen to NPR's music critics and realize that I am very likely missing some pleasures they experience because I've not been exposed to the depth and breadth of music that makes their careers.

I can't tingle over the detection of a riff hidden in a tune if I've never heard the original tune the riff was drawn from, much less understand the connection between the current artist and his inspiration. I have learned enough about some tiny corners of the music world that I now get great pleasure from things that most people just pass by. But, as with anything else I do, the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know.

I've brought the neighbor kid along to some ceilis and gone to concerts with him. He's now a violin student at Berklee. He's never played the bodhran, he's not listened to much Celtic music, but he can take the drum and spin circles around me. He can also take a bass guitar and play a bass line that the other musicians like. I'll often listen to a song with a bass line and try to anticipate where it will go. I'm wrong far more often than right. The neighbor kid? He's more often right than wrong. He understands chord progressions and whatever other things musicians learn that I don't know, so he's able to hear more in the music than I do. He understands it to a degree I don't and I expect can find more to enjoy (or dislike) in it than I do.

As you learn more about playing the guitar, do you find that you're appreciating more about the music you hear than you did before? It was certainly that way for me after taking a class in film music and as I learn more about the history

Although that neighbor kid hates to sing, he's able to sing harmony with songs on the radio. I am completely clueless as to how to do that. All I can do is try to sing the same notes as the lead. I would love to understand how the beautiful harmonies I hear from Joy Williams and John Paul White of "The Civil Wars" work, but I just don't know enough.

And finally, just because I've gone a day without mentioning Feynman. Here's a wonderful discussion of competence...

Does discussing things with me remind you at all of the comic you posted?

;-)

 

First, to respond to Janelle,

"A band can be competent, but it doesn't mean they sound good.

Lots of people never quite grasp the difference,"

Yes I know the difference.

Both of you have gone off on a side track here. 

Keep my statement in context.  I was using it as an analogy to illustrate a specific point, playing off of Maddy's use of the word.

/me sighs

I thought that this thread had pretty well run it's course.

What would really be needed to make it viable again, at least in my opinion, would be for the "Master" to come and state his position.

But at that point some people might turn it into a psychotherapy session.

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Perrie Juran wrote:

Both of you have gone off on a side track here. 

Keep my statement in context.  I was using it as an analogy to illustrate a specific point, playing off of Maddy's use of the word.

/me sighs

I thought that this thread had pretty well run it's course.

What would really be needed to make it viable again, at least in my opinion, would be for the "Master" to come and state his position.

But at that point some people might turn it into a psychotherapy session.


Going off on a side track is what I do!

The point I was trying to make is that relationships are complex and in the early days of one, particularly if we're simultaneously exploring new corners of our own selves, incompetence is a given. I do not use incompetence in a pejorative way, even when I'm discussing LL's incompetence (though I get pretty close there ;-). If you are plowing new ground, some degree of incompetence is a given. If you only do things for which you've got tremendous competence, you're probably not growing.

We've been given too little information to conclude the motivations of Ms. Sweet's "nice dom". My first steps into relationships with others, whether my RL ex husband, or my SL ex, were as awkward as can be. I'd not be surprised if either of them wondered what the hell I was about during those early days. Fortunately, I managed not to scare them away.

I find no profit in faulting people for not already knowing what they're trying to learn. I reserve that blame for people who claim to know things they clearly haven't learned.

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steph Arnott wrote:

I do not understand all this BDSM and Dom/sub stuff, but I can understand that if people are into that then they expect others to follow a preset behavior pattern. If one is not happy then go and do something else. Maybe i missing the point.

If you can always anticipate the behavior of others, what can you learn from them? If you meant that we like to associate with people who share at least some of our interests, particularly if the association will be intimate, I agree. Dependability is nice, but I think our ability to do the unexpected, no matter how hard you study us, helps make us interesting.

And, if we're not happy doing something, we can do something else, or find another way to do that thing. For some, the pursuit of happiness looks like a drunkard's walk, for others, like a dog digging for buried treasure.

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My comment wasn't directed at you, Perrie.  :smileywink:  Just in general.  And derailing threads, it's what I do.

The OP's question was answered with common sense fifty posts ago.  Now it's time for donuts.

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