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Synfully21Sweet

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So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

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So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

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Synfully21Sweet wrote:

So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

There are three elements in BDSM:  Safe, Sane & Consensual.

Apparently he does not understand at least two of them.

Time to move on.

 

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.   That is what he is, no more and no less.

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Perrie has it spot on.

BDSM is a two-way street. Subs FREELY give their submission. Doms or Dommes have no right to any sub, not even after a sub has committed. Just like any other relationship, both sides can break it off at any time. And just like any other relationship there's plenty of abusive and manipulative people.

If you're not comfy with him, leave. If he gives you crap about it, mute him.

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Perrie Juran wrote:


Synfully21Sweet wrote:

So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

There are three elements in BDSM:  Safe, Sane & Consensual.

Apparently he does not understand at least two of them.

Time to move on.

 

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.   That is what he is, no more and no less.

I think your right here. I'm no expert on being a sub but I've had a few doms. Never once had they FORCED there will on me immediatly if I wasn't ready for it. I would think since it's suppose to be a closer to guiding thing where both are enjoying it that you would exhert your will slowly. Building them up to it not eimmediate control.

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Synfully21Sweet wrote:

So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

I would do as Perrie said, dump him, he is nothing more then a wannabe Dom who has no idea what he's doing. He's a control freak and it seems like he gets his jolly by showing his "dominance"

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Madeline Blackbart wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:


Synfully21Sweet wrote:

So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

There are three elements in BDSM:  Safe, Sane & Consensual.

Apparently he does not understand at least two of them.

Time to move on.

 

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.   That is what he is, no more and no less.

I think your right here. I'm no expert on being a sub but I've had a few doms. Never once had they FORCED there will on me immediatly if I wasn't ready for it. I would think since it's suppose to be a closer to guiding thing where both are enjoying it that you would exhert your will slowly. Building them up to it not eimmediate control.

I really should correct myself because actually the Safe, Sane & Consensual is the white washed version of BDSM.  The original words behind the acronym are Bondage, Discipline, Sadism & Masochism.

A true Sadist will be by nature a control freak.  But like most psychotic individuals they are smart enough to know when to push and when to back off.

/me continues to wait patiently for the apologists.

 

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Perrie Juran wrote:


Synfully21Sweet wrote:

So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

There are three elements in BDSM:  Safe, Sane & Consensual.

Apparently he does not understand at least two of them.

Time to move on.

 

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.   That is what he is, no more and no less.

Ya know, it is not the Dom's issue or fault here.  Of course s/he (dom) is a wannabe as mentioned prior, but it is the OP that should be faulted equally or more so, and based on the "three elements in BDSM" you mentioned.  If s/he (sub) can't get her head around this concept then she should perhaps stop playing in a world she knows nothing about.

 

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Synfully21Sweet wrote:

So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said...Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

As a sub, you must set firm boundaries as to what you're willing to accept and when you're willing to accept it.  Any decent Dom would respect those boundaries and would eventually be able to tell when it was time for those boundaries to be pushed, how hard to push them and, most importantly, when to back off.  This is something that only comes through getting to know and establishing a certain about of trust with their sub... which takes a bit of time and a great deal of effort.

Trust is the most crucial aspect of any bdsm relationship... it seems as though this so-called Dom, with which you've gotten yourself tangled up, is lacking that very basic understanding or is simply unwilling to put forth the time and effort required.  As such, you should probably avoid any further involvement with this person and find someone else, who is both knowledgeable and willing to fill these requirements.  If he won't respect your wishes now, before you've even agreed to submit to him, I can't imagine things going very well once you do.

...Dres

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Perrie Juran wrote:

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.  


 Well, wait no longer Perrie...for I am here. (or is that WAY too egotistical of me??) :matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

 The OP is acting completely properly. It is a silly submissive that immediately throws themselves to any Dom without getting to know them first and finding out if they are compatible.

You say that you are giving up your freedom and that's true. But a good Master will still give their slaves some slack if they request it. Mine, for example, has a job dancing in a few clubs in SL. He obviously doesn't know what he's doing and he's being overly controlling.

How do you react when he "bugs out" on you? You said he's dominating you before you're ready..I think that should be a clear sign that you need to get out. If he's not willing to slow things down until you're ready, then he's not the Dom for you no matter how nice he may be.

Get out....look around for someone who will be more nurturing (especially since you've never done this before).

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Tex Monday wrote:

You say that you are giving up your freedom and that's true.


I wonder about this "giving up your freedom" thing.

I hate picking out clothes in the morning, almost as much as I hate shopping for them. I have more interesting things to think about. Twenty years ago, I found a pair of basic pumps I really liked. They were inexpensive, surprisingly comfy and available in a wide range of colors. I bought two dozen pair. I wanted to free myself of the bother of shopping for new shoes every season. In exchange for that freedom, I lost the freedom to follow the trends and now have friends that think I've been wearing the same pair of shoes for 20 years. If you give up an unwanted freedom for a wanted one, what have you lost? Is an unwanted freedom even a freedom?

During the time I spent with my SL partner, I took care to understand her wants and needs, and pushed against only those boundaries that separated where she was from where she wanted to go. She was always free to grow tired of me and move on, which she eventually did.

Life is a series of tradeoffs. One hopes to make trades that are net positive. In the OP's case, if she's approaching relationships in a healthy manner, she's got all the freedom she wants in the form picking a new partner, which seems a wise thing to do.

 

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Tex Monday wrote:

You say that you are giving up your freedom and that's true.


I wonder about this "giving up your freedom" thing.

I hate picking out clothes in the morning, almost as much as I hate shopping for them.

I would be more than happy to do your shopping for you, make myself up like your mother (Norman Bates style) and dress you funny... just let me know when you're ready to submit.

...Dres

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Dresden Ceriano wrote (approximately):

I would be more than happy to dress you funny.


I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself, which is not the same as being incapable of doing otherwise. That would describe Snugs.

;-)

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Dresden Ceriano wrote (approximately):

I would be more than happy to dress you funny.


I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself, which is not the same as being incapable of doing otherwise. That would describe Snugs.

;-)

Oh, you leave Snugs alone... or do I have to RIC you for engaging in "Interpersonal Disputes" here in the forum? :matte-motes-wink-tongue:

...Dres

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It doesn't matter if he is a Dom or not. He is an **bleep**/idiot/weirdo/creeper (chose what you think fits). BDSM seems to attract at least a certain part of those kind of people. They either have a wrong concept of it or they just hope to meet some subs/slaves who are weak enough or naive to believe thats how its done.

If you look behind their mask they are often the ones who are weak.

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Dresden Ceriano wrote:


Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Dresden Ceriano wrote (approximately):

I would be more than happy to dress you funny.


I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself, which is not the same as being incapable of doing otherwise. That would describe Snugs.

;-)

Oh, you leave Snugs alone... or do I have to RIC you for engaging in "
Interpersonal Disputes
" here in the forum? :matte-motes-wink-tongue:

...Dres

 Sending a regular RIC won't work...LL doesn't deal with disputes between residents. Maybe you should RIC a psychologist, since the dispute is between ALTs...

:matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

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Storm Clarence wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:


Synfully21Sweet wrote:

So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said..Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

There are three elements in BDSM:  Safe, Sane & Consensual.

Apparently he does not understand at least two of them.

Time to move on.

 

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.   That is what he is, no more and no less.

Ya know, it is not the Dom's issue or fault here.  Of course s/he (dom) is a wannabe as mentioned prior, but it is the OP that should be faulted equally or more so, and based on the "three elements in BDSM" you mentioned.  If s/he (sub) can't get her head around this concept then she should perhaps stop playing in a world she knows nothing about.

 

Concept of what. Being a sub? I know what entails of it. I am waiting to know the person first before relinquishing my power. Nothing wrong with that, What is exactly my fault? 

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Tex Monday wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.  


 Well, wait no longer Perrie...for I am here. (or is that WAY too egotistical of me??) :matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

 The OP is acting completely properly. It is a silly submissive that immediately throws themselves to any Dom without getting to know them first and finding out if they are compatible.

You say that you are giving up your freedom and that's true. But a good Master will still give their slaves some slack if they request it. Mine, for example, has a job dancing in a few clubs in SL. He obviously doesn't know what he's doing and he's being overly controlling.

How do you react when he "bugs out" on you? You said he's dominating you before you're ready..I think that should be a clear sign that you need to get out. If he's not willing to slow things down until you're ready, then he's not the Dom for you no matter how nice he may be.

Get out....look around for someone who will be more nurturing (especially since you've never done this before).

Thank you for your wise words. I am going to ask him to slow down and hope he can understand.

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Tex Monday wrote:


Dresden Ceriano wrote:


Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Dresden Ceriano wrote (approximately):

I would be more than happy to dress you funny.


I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself, which is not the same as being incapable of doing otherwise. That would describe Snugs.

;-)

Oh, you leave Snugs alone... or do I have to RIC you for engaging in "
Interpersonal Disputes
" here in the forum? :matte-motes-wink-tongue:

...Dres

 Sending a regular RIC won't work...LL doesn't deal with disputes between residents. Maybe you should RIC a psychologist, since the dispute is between ALTs...

:matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

Maddy thinks she's a psychologist.

This is starting to worry me.

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Tex Monday wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.  


 Well, wait no longer Perrie...for I am here. (or is that WAY too egotistical of me??) :matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

 

I don't know whether or not that is egotistical of you but you have assumed that you were included in the list.

 


Tex Monday wrote:


But a good Master will still give their slaves some slack if they request it. Mine, for example, has a job dancing in a few clubs in SL.


This reads more like someone trying to portray themselves as a 'Nice Master.' 

 

 

(I know we could argue semantics here.  I know some Masters/Mistresses who would consider the idea of 'giving some slack' poor form on their part)

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Synfully21Sweet wrote:

Concept of what. Being a sub? I know what entails of it. I am waiting to know the person first before relinquishing my power. Nothing wrong with that, What is exactly my fault? 


You write of wanting a more healthy and/or satisfying relationship for yourself.  But in your OP you question your own sensitivities and disobedience as it is being force-fed to you by a role-playing dom.

Imo, healthy/satisfying and bdsm do not go together. I control my own destiny, and I will never relinquish that control to any other person... not even my physician; let alone to an Internet bought pixalated entity in pursuit of an orgasm.

 

But that's OK, you are a self-declared RP'ing submissive.

By definition, a submissive submits.

 

So then what are you questioning on a public forum?  How much of yourself to submit?  Or did you come to tell us that "you are not ready" to submit as a submissive should to another on-line role-player?

Most responders to this thread are 'beating-up' the dom when it is s/he who is role-playing within the boundaries of this game.  Like any other role-play in SL, if you can't handle the weapons or respond to the dialog or appropriately dress the character then it is unlikely that you will find a satisfying experience. Nor will the other RP'ers with whom you interact.

 

So, toward this end, and to answer your question, your fault lies in not understanding your role in the role-play. /facepalm

Or, perhaps, you do understand your role, but refuse to *play* the character to its potential because you deem yourself "not ready."  

 

You come to a public forum to ask a role-playing question, cool... you got a role-playing answer.

 

PS I would suspect there are 1000's of non-roleplaying avatars in SL who are facing the the same issue in their relationship as that of what you question in your OP: "is it me, or is it him?"

To me, of course it is you.

 

ETA correcting an its

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Synfully21Sweet wrote:


Storm Clarence wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:


Synfully21Sweet wrote:

So I am tip toeing into the bdsm world on sl and I met a really nice DOM. I haven't pledge myself to him because I would like to get to know him first to see if I can't trust and connect with him. He's really nice but he is starting to Dominate me before I am ready. I told him I want to learn how to be a sub but when I am ready. I still want a little freedom and I know once I give him the go, there goes my freedom.. With out his permission of course. If I don't address him when he comes on he gets upset, when I tell him RL and sl are mixed today.. Meaning that I am on sl but doing a few RL things, or when I tell him I need some quiet time.. He bugs out on me. Am I being to sensitive and being.. As he said..Disobedient or is he being too controlling too soon. Sorry for this book.. Just new at this and I don't want to mess up.

There are three elements in BDSM:  Safe, Sane & Consensual.

Apparently he does not understand at least two of them.

Time to move on.

 

ETA, I await patiently for certain Doms but especially some Subs to arrive with their justifications for this control freak.   That is what he is, no more and no less.

Ya know, it is not the Dom's issue or fault here.  Of course s/he (dom) is a wannabe as mentioned prior, but it is the OP that should be faulted equally or more so, and based on the "three elements in BDSM" you mentioned.  If s/he (sub) can't get her head around this concept then she should perhaps stop playing in a world she knows nothing about.

 

Concept of what. Being a sub? I know what entails of it. I am waiting to know the person first before relinquishing my power. Nothing wrong with that, What is exactly my fault? 

I am just getting back to this thread or I might have responded to Storm's post but now that has become kind of a moot point.

Based on what you posted I voiced my opinion.  I will expand on it a bit more. 

If you continue with this 'Master' you are taking a risk.  A bigger one than I think you realize. But that is your choice.

This 'Master' is going to abuse you.  But if that is what you want (masochism) then go for it. 

But really, the fact that you asked about this situation here says to me that being abused is not what you are looking for.

It is possible that my judgement of this 'Master' is wrong.  Whatever my credentials may or may not be to speak on this subject, I assure you that I am not just blowing wind out my butt.  But you could still call this "just my two Linden Dollars worth."

 

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Storm Clarence wrote:


Synfully21Sweet wrote:

Concept of what. Being a sub? I know what entails of it. I am waiting to know the person first before relinquishing my power. Nothing wrong with that, What is exactly my fault? 


You write of wanting a more healthy and/or satisfying relationship for yourself.  But in your OP you question your own sensitivities and disobedience as it is being force-fed to you by a role-playing dom.

Imo, healthy/satisfying and bdsm do not go together. I control my own destiny, and I will never relinquish that control to any other person... not even my physician; let alone to an Internet bought pixalated entity in pursuit of an orgasm.

 

But that's OK, you are a self-declared RP'ing submissive.

By definition, a submissive submits.

 

So then what are you questioning on a public forum?  How much of yourself to submit?  Or did you come to tell us that "you are not ready" to submit as a submissive should to another on-line role-player?

Most responders to this thread are 'beating-up' the dom when it is s/he who is role-playing within the boundaries of this game.  Like any other role-play in SL, if you can't handle the weapons or respond to the dialog or appropriately dress the character then it is unlikely that you will find a satisfying experience. Nor will the other RP'ers with whom you interact.

 

So, toward this end, and to answer your question, your fault lies in not understanding your role in the role-play. /facepalm

Or, perhaps, you do understand your role, but refuse to *play* the character to it's potential because you deem yourself "not ready."  

 

You come to a public forum to ask a role-playing question, cool... you got a role-playing answer.

 

PS I would suspect there are 1000's of non-roleplaying avatars in SL who are facing the the same issue in their relationship as that of what you question in your OP: "is it me, or is it him?"

To me, of course it is you.

Having a bad day storm. Way to attack someone who innocently asked a question. She wasnt asking whos fault it was. Even stated he was a nice guy. She was asking how it goes at first since she is new at this. Gain others insights. We all dont start new things knowing everything. Chill out for once stop being no negative. She wants to take it slow nothing wrong with that.

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