Jump to content

How do I get her out of my head????


You are about to reply to a thread that has been inactive for 2683 days.

Please take a moment to consider if this thread is worth bumping.

Recommended Posts

 

I need some advice everyone. Or therapy...one or the other.  Please be gentle :P

Backstory:

Met a lovely lady on avmatch 5 months ago. We started a relationship slowly and it progressed into something amazing. She made my heart race when I was near her or even when I thought of her. I loved sharing my time with her in SL; whether it was family fun , our own adventures or quiet time. It was all incredible. The only problem was... we fought. It wasn't frequent, but when we did it was enough to rip a hole into everything we'd made. Sometimes I initiated it and sometimes she did. But we are a lot alike and thus our defense mechanisms are the same. Which was not always a good recipe for resolving issues.

So we separated 3 times over 4 months. But kept trying again. I know, I know...I should take a hint. I am TRYING!

 

Presently:

My family hates to see me hurting so they don't think I should pursue my love again. Hell, I don't want to hurt anymore and I definitely don't want to hurt her. BUT...I miss her terribly. :(

We tried being friends and that didn't work. I can't be friends with a woman I still want. When I'm around her I gaze at her and long to hold her and kiss her. So I've been avoiding being in her presence.

This hasn't helped. :( She is my everything - she's all I desire in a woman. I haven't looked at another woman romantically since we broke up about a month ago. No one compares. :( I can't go from having the complete package to just a pretty face...or just a good companion.

I don't understand why we can't get along. I am prepared to devote myself completely to this woman if only we find a way through these troubles. But  there seems to be no way.

So I need to forget her. And can't. She fills my thoughts, my heart - my soul yearns for her. My world has faded and blanched without her.

I guess I am discarding much dignity by revealing all this. But I guess I don't care anymore. My brother will probably read this, know it's me and maroon me on an island somewhere for my stupidity. Sorry bro :P. I listened to your advice, but just need some other opinions too.

Any help is welcomed.

*holds head in hands*

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, there is no answer, help or advice on this things.

You either have to go thru separation or try to get back together again.

A good argue is needed in any relation, romance or buisness, as long all the parties do not take it too personal.

Make a magic word that means both have to stop NOW :matte-motes-sarcasm:

Else, try to keep yourself busy with other stuff and just wait till  the pain let you off.

This is no advice, never worked for me :matte-motes-big-grin-squint:

With the words of a big singer "No woman, no cry"

Monti

Link to post
Share on other sites


Monti Messmer wrote:

With the words of a big singer "No woman, no cry"

Monti

If you're referring to Bob Marley , do realize he meant 'Woman, stop your tears now.'  instead of anything else. :robotindifferent:

Link to post
Share on other sites

No advice to give I'm afraid because am in similar boat .... but, I would like to comment on one thing.  Your dignity IMO is fully intact & I find it very sweet & romantic that you feel compelled to wear your heart on your sleeve, & share your feelings.  As a matter of fact, I think this posting, will even be a little cathartic for you.  Sharing a burden often helps lighten the load on ones heart.

I hope things work out for you!

Rival :)

 

Link to post
Share on other sites


Awe Thor wrote:

Decapitate yourself.

Awe . . . it's cheaper and its effects are more immediate than a lobotomy or analysis.

I was actually going to suggest a mallet, but your idea works as well.....(I think that's the first thing we've ever agreed on, Awe) :matte-motes-sunglasses-3:

Now...on to a more serious note. In this entire post, not once did the OP mention how SHE feels about him. They fight, get back together, fight, together again. He loves her...etc etc...but how does she feel? Does she want to get back with him. That might be the deciding issue here.

It takes two to make any relationship work. Maybe she's had it with your shenangens otherwise...wouldn't she be trying to get back too???

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think if something is meant to be it will be...I flogged that dead horse for 3 years both SL and RL and believe me in the end you're just dragging a sack of bones around behind you...better to get out now before you really enter into a serious relationship. 

Of course this is just my opinion an ultimately you'll do what you want to do, but I've done my good deed for the day now.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your input. And you're right Rival. Sharing this has helped. Before it was just my brother and sister in SL who know of my torture.


Tex mentioned how she feels about me. She told me yesterday in a few words that she misses me too, but we just don't want to go down this road again. So this is not the issue.
 We've come to a mutual decision that we will move forward. I've accepted it as much as I would prefer another outcome.

So, my issue here is trying to forget her...to take her out of my mind. To eliminate wanting and missing her. To forget the cute and affectionate way she emotes and to forget that silly little ribbon at the end of her braid that changes color to match whatever she's wearing. X_X

My brother told me it takes time to 'detox' and I've given it an entire month without seeing her. And here I am. :( Still a fool

*sighs*

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well OP, I've been down the same road, but i won't go into the gory details here.  I did truly deeply fall in love, but it all backfired eventually.   And I couldn't even talk about this person without bursting into tears weeks later.

I did pick up some helpful ideas to lessen the obsession from a book I read out of desperation called "Rapid Relief From Emotional Distress" which was written by two very successful psychologists to help their patients which I will condense for you here. 

There are 3 steps to moving on.  The first one is often the hardest one and so it takes a little concentration.  Step one is acceptance.  You have to find a way to accept the fact that you are no longer together.  In order to get past your natural resistance to accepting the whole thing sometimes it works best to just accept parts of the whole.  In other words, to swallow the huge obstacle, break it up into smaller bites.  So you can work on accepting that it was such and such day that you and she came to the decision.  You can accept that it was raining or hot and sunny that day.  Just accept that much at first.  Then accept, for instance, that you were wearing a certain shirt or tie the moment your relationship ended.  Accept that you used a certain phrase.  You'll find accepting that it's over no longer seems an insurmountable concept.

Once you've gotten past step one, you go on to step two: choose.  Now you decide what need it was you were fulfilling through the relationship.  Was it companionship?  Was it sex?  Was it feeling validated?  Was it feeling approval?  Was it simply entertainment?

Whatever it was (and it can be more than one) you can choose to have your need(s) fulfilled through some alternative means.  This is where you begin to feel powerful instead of powerless, because now you are in charge of what activities you can substitute to fulfill your needs.  So if it was companionship, you can choose to find companionship elsewhere perhaps by increasing your social circle, doing more activities in sl that you haven't been doing since you met her.  If it was sex, well that aspect is plentiful in sl.  Was it to feel validated?  Again, open yourself up to more interaction with other avs though going to live events for instance or enjoying music at your favorite cafe or going to building classes or learning scripting.  If it was approval, then look for approval by mastering a new skill and putting whatever you've created on display.

The third and final step is to take action.  This is where you follow through with those activities or relationships that fulfill your needs.  Actually get out and do them.  Check out what things sl has to offer that you haven't tapped into yet.

What you find after you've thought these steps through is that your relationship with a certain person is not absolutely necessary to find the happiness you seek.  And your obsession with the person you once filled your time up with will take a back seat to moving on with your life.

I hope these tips help.  I highly recommend getting the book, just because they use a lot of real examples of patients who have suffered losses of all sorts including break ups.  And I found their examples of the things they realized about what they were looking for and how to move towards those things really hit home and helped me see my own reasons for the relationship I had. 

 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites


SierraRains wrote:

The answer is to figure out why you fought with somebody you love. You should not fight. What did you fight about? There's the key to why it broke up. She wants a guy who will not fight with her.

I'm going to have to agree with this guy, and can't believe that he was the first person in this thread to bring it up.

What could you possibly be fighting about on here?  Do you have a difference in real life views on politics?  Are either of you trying to be restrictive in game to the other, such as not wanting the other to frequest certain "establishments" or something?

I think that in order to properly diagnose this issue, we really need to know what all of the fighting was about.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What we fought over? Just random misunderstandings. Things that should have been easily resolved. But doesn't even matter now.

Sadly, I have recently been made aware that this woman I gave my heart to was possibly having a relationship with another while with me. Early on in our relationship I did receive a random IM stating that she was cuddling with another in a public sim as soon as I left. I asked her about this and she denied it. I believed her as people in SL do enjoy being malicious. And now new information could possibly confirm her unfaithfulness.

So I feel like an even bigger fool now. Maybe my adoration for her made me blind. I suppose I deserve this. Maybe it was our fighting that drove her to another. But I would have appreciated being dumped than the recipient of unfaithfulness.

  *sighs*  I will just take what's left of my dignity and try to patch up my second life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

it's hard. sometimes its just a conflict between types of personalities. I don't have any SL relationship experience but if its like RL; sometimes fighting can't be helped. some couples will avoid each other to save the relationship thinking too much communication is what caused the problems. I grew up around those kind of relationships.. my parents for example.

 

its good you both came to an agreement about moving on but I know it doesn't make it feel any easier. after my breakups (RL though) I would step away from dating or anything reminding me of the hurt and throw myself into distractions ~ spending time with friends, enjoying hobbies. If it gets hard stepping away from SL for a while might help.

 

~~as for the possible unfaithfulness.. don't even bother. don't waste any time thinking about that and just move on from this person. if it were true it would be on them, not you. Have you considered trying RL relationships instead ? I think the way SL is now with it being so easy to keep secrets and put up facades that its rife with cheating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
You are about to reply to a thread that has been inactive for 2683 days.

Please take a moment to consider if this thread is worth bumping.

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...