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Alestrasza

How to leave an Ok relationship.

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Very odd situation I'm in. In a relationship which is OK but just that. It isn't fufilling at all but it isn't bad either so im in a strange position. We've been together for months but nothing seems to change. I've told him my concerns on multiple times but nothing ever really changes. Breaking up with an **bleep** is easy but he's actually a good guy so I feel trapped. There isn't any real justification for me the end the relationship but logging in feels like a chore now days. He is too suffocated and insecure.

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Alestrasza wrote:

It isn't fufilling at all

nothing seems to change.

I feel trapped.

There isn't any real justification for me the end the relationship but logging in feels like a chore now days.

He is too suffocated and insecure.

Tell him all of this.

Some people just aren't right for each other; you have expectations and he is unable to fulfill them. If he can't rise to meet you then you're right to call an end to things. There's no reason to feel trapped, you already have a 'dealbreaker' - a thing that makes the relationship irreconcilable - he isn't someone who works well by your side. Not being happy with your relationship is the only justification you need.

Not everything can last forever, and by prolonging something you don't enjoy, you could be missing out on something better. If you know what you want, and he's not it, then you're doing the right thing.

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Welcome to Second Life Forums, Alestrasza

If you're not posting under an alt name, then presumably the man in your life runs the risk of seeing this and being potentially hurt by it. However, it might be an ill wind. The truth - no matter how much it hurts one person - is far preferable than two people being potentially miserable.

And life is too short.

You need to be honest with this man.  You both need to be spending time with other people, not necessarily for any other purpose than friendships, and it is far healthier to have plenty of different people in your life, and then, if you can remain friends, you'd have much more interesting things to share with each other.

What is it that you would want to change? Or is it just your man's personality that you want to change? 

In real life, in Second Life, familiarity can breed contempt.  Better to come clean with him now, than waste more time festering and becoming like the couple in 'The War Of The Roses' (don't wait for him to piss on the fish!).

Wishing you loads of luck.

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It's time to go. You've been together for months, nothing's changed, you've told him your concerns...what more can you do? In RL, you might go together to get counseling..don't know if that's possible here.

Point is...if SL isn't fun, it's not worth doing. Let him down easy..remain friends and move on.

Good luck.

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You have discussed this with him in the past and nothing has been resolved to your satisfaction..   It is just the nature of life in general. If the situation hasn't changed, my guess is he is okay with things as they are.  Who knows, you may not be tripping his trigger either and being as complacent as you have been  in regards to dissolving the relationship.

Sounds like it is time to be adults.  Tell the person you have expressed your feelings on several occasions and provided ample opportunity for improvement.   Don't argue, don't bash, don't point fingers, and don't expect to remain friends.  It hurts regardless what you do or when you do it, but no one should feel trapped in a relationship that is unfulfilling.


Hope you both find what you are looking for.

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Someone doesn't have to be a total jerk to warrant ending a relationship. It soundsl like there's no chemistry, no strong connection, and I'd tell him what you posted here. That he's a nice guy and it's hard to break up with him because he hasn't done anything wrong. Nothing obligates anyone to stay with someone just because he is a nice guy. And yes, it is difficult to do that, it can make someone feel as if she's kicking a puppy. But better now before the not doing it for you and boredom turns to resentment and dislike.

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Alestrasza wrote: [...] Very odd situation I'm in [...] There isn't any real justification for me the end the relationship but logging in feels like a chore now days. He is too suffocated and insecure.

Part of the oddity in this situation might be caused by confusion on your own part... or at least that’s what I get from what you wrote; perhaps you just didn’t express yourself better. But if you did, on one hand you seem to have something which, at least to you, seems justification enough... his weak character; on the other hand, you begin by saying, in only slightly different words, that this is not justification enough. So what is it? Enough, or not enough? Mind you, I’m not just picking on your words to annoy you; rather I’m trying to point out something... but I’ll get back to that later.

 

An alternative suggestion to immediate breakup would be to try and fix things in a more proactive way, if only to be able to say later to yourself that you didn’t ‘drop the ball’ too fast and easily; yes, you might argue that you already tried fixing things. But did you, really?

 

Let me explain. Though not always, it often happens that that ‘chore’ you describe stems from the unspoken agreement that you and your partner must spend all your SL time together, leaving both unable to do things that youd want, or even would prefer, to do on your own... whatever they are, it doesn’t matter which, or why can’t you do them together. It’s not the point here.

The point is, as others have said too, that you don’t necessarily have to break up completely to reclaim some time for yourself, if you feel you need it. So talk to him, tell him of such need, and agree on both having some time for yourselves. Like many other things in a relationship, the key is to openly discuss your mutual needs, not keep them to yourselves until you both feel frustrated.

 

Eventually, you might find that that’s all you needed and that the time you do spend together, however reduced, is more enjoyable. After all, there must be several things you liked about him, or else you wouldn’t have started the relationship at all, right? Well, so enjoy that when you are indeed together, and then enjoy your own activities when you’re not.

 

If all this doesn’t sound acceptable to you, if you’re still fixed on breaking no matter what (and that might be the case, given that the title of your post seems to ask more about the ‘method’ or words to use for the task, than the rationale for it)... then ask yourself: why do you need help with that? In the end it’s as simple as this: ‘it’s over’.

Yes, that sounds cold, but in truth, you’ve both been together for months, so no one here is more suited to choose the best possible words than you; and you probably know this already... unless what you actually were asking for were kinda ‘nice, believable stock words for an easy & painless breakup’... in that case, and even setting aside that that would be a bit of a sneaky thing to do... honestly: there is no easy breakup, it always is painless... it’s pretty much supposed to be. In fact I think you knew this, too: that, in the end, and no matter how much you try and sweeten it, when you tell him, it’s still going to be at least a rather uneasy moment, if not downright painful.

 

But still necessary, because it’s supposed to be how you feel, and one should always tell how one feels, right?

 

Which takes us back to what I hinted at the beginning of this post: it’s quite possible that you’re blaming him for what, in your own way and consciously or not, you are to blame too... namely, being 'suffocated and insecure'.

 

Again, I’m not telling you any of this to upset you. Rather, I’m suggesting that you consider if you two can agree on a way to better enjoy what you still like in each other and get around your respective shortcomings, perhaps by making them less omnipresent, instead of inmediately ditching him for not being the perfect person that, in fact, no one is, including you.

 

 

If after honestly trying the ‘time for myself’ thing you still feel that it’s not working out, then by all means, do break up; just don’t do it before you can say to yourself that you really did what you could... and when you do, don’t forget to do it in the same open, assertive way you would’ve wanted him to do it, had the case been reversed :smileywink:

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Sometimes relationships have periods where they are just "okay". You can't expect every moment to be laced with excitement. The key to a good relationship is open communication, honesty, respect, and realizing not everything is going to be perfect all the time. I've been married to my husband (rl/sl) for quite awhile and there are ups and downs. My husband is my bestfriend and I couldn't imagine any other person I would rather spend my time with. It takes work to keep a relationship. You get out of a relationship what you put into it.


The question to ask is how much you care for this person. Put yourself in his shoes and how you would like to be treated in this situation. If your feelings aren't as they should be, then the best thing in my opinion to do is to be upfront and honest with him. You've made it clear he is a good person so he deserves your honesty.

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Windsie wrote

 

The question to ask is how much you care for this person. Put yourself in his shoes and how you would like to be treated in this situation. If your feelings aren't as they should be, then the best thing in my opinion to do is to
be upfront and honest with him.
You've made it clear he is a good person so he deserves your honesty.

 

That's the whole point. In the original post, she stated that she's expressed her concerns numerous times. Is it worth expressing them again with an "I'm leaving you if things don't change" at the end? How long can you bang your head against the wall and expect the wall to understand why you're doing it???

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Yes I did read her post and understand she has expressed concerns before. What I was saying is that if she doesn't want to continue the relationship she should tell him. He deserves that.

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You simply have to be honest and tell the other person that you just want more.  let them know that "Ok" just isnt good enough... 

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Alestrasza wrote:

I feel trapped. There isn't any real justification for me the end the relationship but logging in feels like a chore now days. He is too suffocated and insecure.

Create an alt and disappear. Then have a friend send him an IM that you died in RL. That's how it's usually done.

 

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Usually done? I've heard about people faking RL death to start over in SL. I don't think it's usual, most just say they're leaving SL and then create an alt. But that's sort of extreme, and usually only reserved for escaping clingy or creepy people or because the person wanting to disappear has been too clingy or creepy .

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Alestrasza wrote:

Very odd situation I'm in. In a relationship which is OK but just that.
It isn't fufilling
at all but
it isn't bad either
so im in a strange position. We've been together for months but nothing seems to change. I've told him my concerns on multiple times but nothing ever really changes. Breaking up with an **bleep** is easy but he's actually a good guy so I feel trapped. There isn't any real justification for me the end the relationship but
logging in feels like a chore
now days.
He is too suffocated and insecure.

Hmmm, in thinking about this more, I'm wondering why anyone would need any real justification? Women often feel that if a relationship fails, it is their fault, so they stay far too long to try to make it work. As for whether there is no real justifcation, looking at the parts of your post I highlighted, it sure looks as if there's justification. It's not fulfilling, logging in feels like a chore, he's too suffocating and insecure.

Others have suggested working on the relationship. I am not into role playing feelings in SL. If I love someone, I love someone, if I dislike someone, that too is genuine. if I hurt someone's feelings, I feel genuinely bad about it. That being said, other than in the rare instances when the relationship is in both SL and RL, I do not believe one should work on a relationship in SL. Yes, relationships require work and compromise in RL. If they require that much work and compromise in SL, and they are strictly SL relationships with no possibility of or desire for turning it into a RL relationship, I'm an advocate more of yes, feeling the feelings and being genuine about them but effort, work, talking about issues, etc?  That is for RL, not SL. Second Life is just that, why drag RL expectations into it? Unless you make your living in SL to the point where it supports you financially in RL, there is no reason for logging in to feel like a chore.

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Be honest , tell him again how you feel and end it, in the long run you will both be happier, nothing worse than letting it die a slow death til you no longer like each other at all, good luck

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Leaving is easy if you have the stomach to do it. If you aren't happy, leave. I would explain why but not to the point of arguing. If you want to leave you'll do it, otherwise, you won't.

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Hey friend.. If you are not happy with him, you should not continue with it. But firstly make sure if this is what you want.

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erkumkum wrote:

Hey friend.. If you are not happy with him, you should not continue with it. But firstly make sure if this is what you want.

Hopefully you are comfortable with long drawnout goodbyes . . .

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The truth always wins out over lying. And if its the REAL truth odds are he won't want to draw it out.

ex. "nice" truth -"I just dont feel happy"

      "REAL" truth-  "Our relationship makes me unhappy enough that I dread logging in at all ".

You've talked about it before. Its not like your dissatisfaction is "a surprise". Be straight forward. Act like you're talking to an adult not someone who can't hear the truth. Also, you're TELLING this person you're leaving. Not "asking"; a lot of times it seems like the person doing the breaking is waiting for the listener to say "ok" . Not necessary. Just say what you mean, consider the matter final ,  and move the bejesus on.

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495060 wrote:

 odds are he won't want to draw it out.


Erm, do you mean longer than the four months that have passed since the OP started this thread, which some idiot exhumed and you seem to want to convert into a zombie?

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