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You have got to be joking!

Porky Gorky

By Porky Gorky,
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Phil Deakins

Phil Deakins

Posted
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Paddy wasn't feeling well, so he went to see the doctor. The doctor examined him every way he could - temperature, blood test, heart, etc. He examined him from top to bottom and side to side until there was nothing more he could examine or test. But he couldn't find anything wrong with him so he said. "I'm sorry Paddy, but I've examined you in every way I can and I can't find anything wrong with you. I'd have to put it down to the drink." Paddy said, "That's alright. doc. I'll come back when you're sober." :D

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Kelli May

Kelli May

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Two men are hiking in the mountains when suddenly, one of them falls down. "Oh my God!", his friend exclaims. He quickly dials 911. He gets connected to an operater. "This is 911, what is your emergency?" "Me and my buddy were hiking and he suddenly fell down! His eyes are glazed and he isn't moving!" "Calm down, sir. Everything will be okay. Now, can you make sure he is dead?"

There is a brief silence on the line, then a gunshot is heard in the background. "Okay, now what?"

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Drake1 Nightfire

Drake1 Nightfire

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

 

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

 

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

 

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

 

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

 

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

 

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes," comes the answer.

 

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

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Janelle Darkstone

Janelle Darkstone

Posted
Posted

Two hunters are out in the forest.  After several hours of looking for game they look around and realize they're lost, so the first hunter says "Y'know, I heard that if you get lost you can fire three shots in the air near the top of the hour; the forest rangers have to listen around then and they'll send a search party!"

The second hunter agrees it's a great idea and at the top of the hour they fire three shots in the air.  An hour later they stop and do it again, and then an hour later they fire three more.

The first hunter scratches his head and says "Hmm, I don't think this is working."

The second hunter says, "Yeah, we'd better think of something else quick -- I'm running out of arrows."

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Janelle Darkstone

Janelle Darkstone

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Posted

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 



2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

 



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

 



Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

 

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wiked Anton

wiked Anton

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I went to a public restroom the other day and was sitting In a cubicle minding my own business when a voice from the next cubicle asked “ Hello”….a little shyly I replied “Hello”… then the voice said  “how are you” and I replied “ I am ok”…..then “what are you doing?”…and getting a little annoyed I said “ pretty much the same thing  as you I guess” ..then came the “Can I come over?”  wondering what  was going on I said “ I am a little busy right now” and then I heard the voice say “Listen, I am going to call you back, some idiot next door is answering all my questions”. 

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wiked Anton

wiked Anton

Posted
Posted

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."~~~~~~~~ :P

 

several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.....
MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes
WOMAN: I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $65,000.
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.
MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000.
WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
MAN: Bye, I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
at him in astonishment!!!!! Then he smiles and asks.... Anyone know whose
phone this is??????? 

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Kenbro Utu

Kenbro Utu

Posted
Posted

A traveling salesman was making his rounds on the local farms. As he approaching a farm he saw a 3-legged pig hobbling through the barnyard. He concluded his business with the farmer and just had to ask about the pig. The farmer began to expound on what a great pig he was. How the barn had caught fire and he had become overcome by smoke, and the pig saved his life by dragging him from the burning barn by his pants leg. How his wife had suffered a heart attack while he was in the fields, and the pig came and alerted him, saving her life. He told of how the pig had woken them from sleep one night as thieves were trying to steal some expensive equipment and thwarted their efforts. The salesman was amazed, but just had to ask why he only had 3 legs. The farmer looked at him and said, "Mister, with a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"

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161488303349

161488303349

Posted
Posted

Mums Laws

#1 Mums Law of Super High Heels

- is different when she wears them

#2 Mums Law of Pain

- bc she had you then she always get the last word on how much pain you in when you moaning

#3 Mum's Law of Lipstick

- whoever has the most colors is the winner

#4 Mums Law of Farting

- is only funny when she do it

#5 Mums Law of Buying Flowers

- can smell petrol on them even before the garage buys them

#6 Mums Law of Wedding Dress

- can always fit in her wedding dress. just dont feel like trying it on today

#7 Mums Law of Chocolate Cake Temptation

- remove the temptation by eat it all in one go. not you. her

#8 Mums Law of Spitting

- spitting is disgusting. except when she need to wash your face in public

#9 Mums Law of Shoes

- there are not enough of them in the whole world. need more

#10 Mums Law of Hugs

- she always give you them for free. like heaps (:

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