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Madelaine McMasters

Re: thoughts wanted

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Canoro, I'd like to add my personal experience as a wannabe Domme here in SL. In my first SL life, which lasted two and half years, I had a relationship with a 40-something divorcee (I'm one too). She had come to SL looking for something different. I arrived for similar reasons. After a false start, during which I discovered there was no way I could be the "s" in a D/s relationship and she was more flexible, we settled in. We divided our SL time between exploring, shopping and decorating our tropical island.

As in RL, I quickly discovered that it was easy to get separated from my partner when out, as I have unusual interests and am easily distracted. Neither of us liked finding ourselves far apart on a sim. She wore a collar with a leashing capability and I soon used that to keep us from separating while exploring unpopulated sims. Over our years together, that leash was probably the most powerful symbol of our connection.

I asked her how being on the leash made her feel. She loved it, saying it gave her a feeling of belonging. The best analogy I can offer for how I felt about leashing her is to recall when I was little and lost track of Mom in the grocery store because I'd been mesmerized by the candy aisle. I was not one of those kids who cried up and down the aisles until found, but I certainly felt the discomfort. There was no way I could order Mom to stay with me, and there was no way I'd obey her orders to do the same. I am, as Mom and others will tell you, a stubborn, independent pain in the ass. So, I had to live with the occasional discomfort of getting lost. I still don't like it and still don't show it.

I can't describe how good it felt to meet someone who would allow me to "order" her to do things she liked to do (and a few things she didn't, like hold her sharp tongue when hit on by a guy with poor social skills). She was intelligent, self confident,  witty, and though, like me, had no interest in having children, was a nurturer. She was gracious enough to nurture me in a way nobody else ever has. For an hour or two each day, she handed me the end of her leash and let me believe I was in control. In turn, for those same hours each day, I absolved her of responsibility for those vexing decisions (what to wear, where to go, what to do) that, if done well, require us to anticipate our partner's desires as well as our own.

Ultimately, the relationship did not last. But I will never forget those moments in which she allowed me to be myself, and found that pleasant.

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Very moving post.

 Your words make me think about the relationships I have made in SL.  I am grateful I never had or found the need to 'collar' a friend or be collared.   

Thank you for posting.  

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Hi Maddy! 

Thank you for expressing the symbiosis of the D/s relationship.   To quote my Master:  "It is a mutual gift, based upon mutual trust".  I'm entering into my second year in such a relationship, and our level of trust has grown, as has our mutual commitment to helping one another.  As you said, there is a nurturing component to the relationship, whereby we each understand and try to meet the needs and expectations of the other. 

But, there's another level, that goes beyond what I've found in a "vanilla" relationship.  A natural Yin/Yang, that fell into place which allows us to left the veil, and end the charade that society places upon us.  We each, are more our "real" selves, within this D/s dynamic.

 

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Celestiall Nightfire wrote:

Hi Maddy! 

Thank you for expressing the symbiosis of the D/s relationship.   To quote my Master:  "It is a mutual gift, based upon mutual trust".  I'm entering into my second year in such a relationship, and our level of trust has grown, as has our mutual commitment to helping one another.  As you said, there is a nurturing component to the relationship, whereby we each understand and try to meet the needs and expectations of the other. 

But, there's another level, that goes beyond what I've found in a "vanilla" relationship.  A natural Yin/Yang, that fell into place which allows us to left the veil, and end the charade that society places upon us.  We each, are more our "real" selves, within this D/s dynamic.

 

I've wondered, Celestiall (ETA: Hi there!!!). Is it another level, a better fit, a common "misfit"? I've felt a little apart from the world for as long as I can remember, simply because I understood my thinking to be "different". Finding someone who shares that different thinking, whatever it might be, is both exciting and liberating. I don't think that's unique to D/s. I recall spending time with my SL ex in public places where nobody knew what we were up to. There was an allure to that "two against the world" feeling we shared. I don't think that was unique to D/s either. My SL ex and I were both divorced and had virtually no intimate experience with our own gender. That new experience was nearly as exciting for me as the D/s ;-)

That there is more honesty with a partner who shares more of your core values isn't surprising. Is it as simple as that? And what about societies that are not as puritan as the US? Is there less charade and more depth in relationships elsewhere?

I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship as deep as that of my parents. They were, to the best of my knowledge, as vanilla as a McDonalds soft serve cone. How's that for a broken metaphor?

Have you seen Esther Perel's recent TED talk? She's just neat...

And there's this, which I find interesting, and reveals other factors I'd not considered... 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-sexual-continuum/200812/the-compatibility-same-sex-relationships

My parents were together for more than 60 years, so they had ample time to climb the right side of that "U" curve. I jumped out somewhere prior to the bottom.

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:


I've wondered, Celestiall (ETA: Hi there!!!). Is it another level, a better fit, a common "misfit"? I've felt a little apart from the world for as long as I can remember, simply because I understood my thinking to be "different". Finding someone who shares that different thinking, whatever it might be, is both exciting and liberating. I don't think that's unique to D/s. I recall spending time with my SL ex in public places where nobody knew what we were up to. There was an allure to that "two against the world" feeling we shared. I don't think that was unique to D/s either. My SL ex and I were both divorced and had virtually no intimate experience with our own gender. That new experience was nearly as exciting for me as the D/s ;-)

Well, I think you've touched upon a crucial point, and one with which I agree.  That the compatibility of the partners is paramount, and the D/s is an extra component of that compatibility.  My partner and I, in this adventure, have often been in public places, where like you, nobody knew our relationship, but us.  (thank goodness for IM! ; )   The "two against the world", is something many couples have, and not unique to D/s, I agree.  Also, I had no experience with D/s prior, except my own mental tendencies, and yes that "new experience" aspect is exciting.

 


Madelaine McMasters wrote:

That there is more honesty with a partner who shares more of your core values isn't surprising. Is it as simple as that? And what about societies that are not as puritan as the US? Is there less charade and more depth in relationships elsewhere?


I don't know if there is less charade and more depth in relationships not as puritan as the US.  From what I've observed, other cultures have their own unique issues with relationships, some of which hinder the quality even more than the puritan factor here.  I doubt there is a "one size fits all" culture for optimal realtionship experiences.

 

 

 


Madelaine McMasters wrote:

I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship as deep as that of my parents. They were, to the best of my knowledge, as vanilla as a McDonalds soft serve cone. How's that for a broken metaphor?

I don't think I'll have a relationship as deep as that of my parents either, but mainly because my parents have gone through multiple time periods of high stress, managed to cope, and survive.  An elopement, under difficult circumstances, later, death of a child and subsequent depression, cancer, and factors that often end marriages, but they are still amazingly in love and committed to each other. 

Yes, to the best of my knowledge, my parents also have a vanilla relationship.  But, they also have factors that are similar to the D/s ones, in that my father is many years older than my mother, and other areas, that mimic that dynamic.  My mother being an incredibly strong woman, and very independent, but simultaneously bonded to my father as a mentor and teacher.   

 


Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Have you seen Esther Perel's recent TED talk? She's just neat...


Loved that video!   I had not seen it, but will being sharing it elsewhere, thank you for posting it! 

 

 

One of the things that I often try to explain to people, was something that Perel touched upon.   That for others, and even for our partners to desire us, (or we them) we need to see them "in their element" and that having a special area with which you excel, where you can "shine" is an aphrodisiac.   We're attracted to that glow, that specialness we see in another person.  

People in RL, and here in the SL forum, often ask how they can attract other people.  How can they find a partner, or someone who wants them?   But, when you look at their profile (or in RL their life activities) you find that there's nothing compelling about them.  They've made no effort to have hobby's, interests, or skills that set them apart.   In other words:  they're boring.  Is it any wonder that they have trouble attracting, and maintaining an allure?  We can't expect all the effort to be done by others, we also must make an effort.

 


Madelaine McMasters wrote:

And there's this, which I find interesting, and reveals other factors I'd not considered... 

My parents were together for more than 60 years, so they had ample time to climb the right side of that "U" curve. I jumped out somewhere prior to the bottom.

Eventually, and it may still take a while, same-sex couples will only suffer the same issues as heterosexual couples, instead of the current additional burden that society places upon them.  Then all couples can be equally miserable!  lol 

 

My parents are going into their 58th year of marriage in this year of 2013, and with a little luck, and health, will make it longer.

 

 

 

 

 

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Congrats to your parents on their upcoming 58th and weathering the storms you described!

"Take your kid to work day" came too late for us, but I think it's an excellent way for parents to "glow" for their children. (Allure and desire is not just about sex). I always see that day advertised as a way to teach the value of work to kids, and build their self confidence. I think it goes beyond that. I once worked for a company with very liberal work policies and on site day care. That place generally glowed, but on that one day a year, it rocked. Allure was everywhere ;-)

 

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:

Congrats to your parents on their upcoming 58th and weathering the storms you described!

"Take your kid to work day" came too late for us, but I think it's an excellent way for parents to "glow" for their children. (Allure and desire is not just about sex). I always see that day advertised as a way to teach the value of work to kids, and build their self confidence. I think it goes beyond that. I once worked for a company with very liberal work policies and on site day care. That place generally glowed, but on that one day a year, it rocked. Allure was everywhere ;-)

So, cool that mentioned the "Take your kid to work day"!   

I'm also too old for that cultural happening, but my father used to take us kids to work with him!   He's a retired biochemist, and he'd take us to the lab, and taught us all kinds of lab skills.  When we were still in elementary school, we learned how to use pipettes to add and remove liquids from test tubes, how to load and run a centrifuge, how to run an autoclave.   He also would take us out into the field, and we'd go to streams, rivers, reservoirs, and various bodies of water to collect samples.  While this was happening, he'd give basic instructions, and science information that helped us understand the "why" behind the actions. 

My mother used to take us to her clay studio space, and let us make little objects to be fired in the kilns.  Showed us how to do glazing.  Taught us all kinds of art techniques over the years.  (her initial undergrad degree is art education)

Totally in agreement with your statement:  (Allure and desire is not just about sex).  Yes, seeing our parents in their "element" and learning to appreciate who they are, and what they do, is such a powerful formative experience.

I'm still in awe when I go to my parent's house, and see my mother running a large family event from her central command post (the kitchen ; )   She'll delegate to people, and someone will be outside starting the grill.  Someone else will be dashing to the basement to procure some of her homemade relish from the storage area, someone else will be out in her garden selecting fresh vegetables for the salads.  Other people will be at stations she's set up in the kitchen, doing tasks for the meal prep.  People moving furniture, or opening additional rooms for guests.   (I have a large family)  It's like watching a military operation, and she's the commanding officer.  

One more thing I'll add, as a tangent:   When people come to my parent's house, they invariably end up in the kitchen, or helping, just like they are family.  My mother has this special way, where she will enlist their help, and the next thing you know, it's like that person is one of us, and they feel totally comfortable there.  (I think she's like the Borg, "You will be assimilated" : )   But, I can't even count how many times that people my age, even when I was a child, would come to our house, to visit with my mother (or my parents).  It still happens.  

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As you know, I was home schooled. Dad's office was here at home (I'm sitting in it at the moment). Can I claim to have lived a "take your kid to work" life?

I also learned how to load and run a centrifuge, though I call them "wobulators" (not to be confused with the wobbulator on my bench). Every day was a school day and the world was our laboratory.

The kitchen was also the hub of our house. It's right next to the family room, which was the original farmhouse. The kitchen can seat a dozen, the family room another 15-20. Mom and Dad would host house concerts. The musicians would sit in the library, which connects to the family room through double French doors. So it was not uncommon to have 40 people in the house on a snowy winter evening.

Mom is not a culinary master manager like yours. She's out of her realm in the kitchen, where she tends to like everything cooked either to a crisp, like pickles and Jell-O (yes, she's burned it), or to a soggy mush, like carrots and celery. As a result, our big shindigs were usually served out of boxes and bags, with Dad grilling the meat.

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I find it both very odd and kind of weird to have friendly chat about 'parents' in an adult content forum.  Especially in a thread about  BSDM, and being collared.   

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:

As you know, I was home schooled. Dad's office was here at home (I'm sitting in it at the moment). Can I claim to have lived a "take your kid to work" life?

I also learned how to load and run a centrifuge, though I call them "wobulators" (not to be confused with the wobbulator on my bench). Every day was a school day and the world was our laboratory.

The kitchen was also the hub of our house. It's right next to the family room, which was the original farmhouse. The kitchen can seat a dozen, the family room another 15-20. Mom and Dad would host house concerts. The musicians would sit in the library, which connects to the family room through double French doors. So it was not uncommon to have 40 people in the house on a snowy winter evening.

Mom is not a culinary master manager like yours. She's out of her realm in the kitchen, where she tends to like everything cooked either to a crisp, like pickles and Jell-O (yes, she's burned it), or to a soggy mush, like carrots and celery. As a result, our big shindigs were usually served out of boxes and bags, with Dad grilling the meat.

Well, I think that what you experienced as a child, is what many home-schooled children today have.  In the future our society will see this as a growing demographic.  Those families who teach and work and raise children integrated within that whole.  Which really is a modern, and simultaneously ancient, way of raising children.

Your house sounds really awesome Maddy!  I like it that there's an original farmhouse there onsite.  I particularly love the part about the library and in-house concerts.  My parent's library isn't big enough to hold concerts, although does have nice built-in floor-to-ceiling bookcases that wrap around two walls. 

Oh, haha!  Your mom's cooking!   Sounds like we both learned our cooking skills from "mom".  (Because, I can cook! ; )

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Celestiall Nightfire wrote:

Oh, haha!  Your mom's cooking!   Sounds like we both learned our cooking skills from "mom".  (Because, I
can
cook! ; )


Hey!!!

I learned to glare from Dad, can you feel it?

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This isn't so much a reply to your last post, Celestiall, as it is to the conversation in general, but I picked yours for a reason. I did not learn to cook from my Mom—but what I did learn from her was the idea that meals should be done right: well prepared, good ingredients, all that. Of course I didn't realize I'd learned that until long after the fact, but in fact I had.

Like you and like Maddy, I was one of those people lucky enough to have both parents there. All the time. We were granted something not granted to all or even most. We were incredibly lucky in that regard. I won't ever stop being thankful for that. My parents didn't both live long enough to get to a 58th but my sibs and I did manage to celebrate their 50th with them.

I have never been able to really BE either D or s, although I have experimented in both roles, in RL and to a slightly greater extent in SL. Both roles require a commitment, and while I can commit to a relationship I can't or don't want to commit to taking the role of either the one who makes the rules or the one who promises to obey them. I only added this paragraph to be in keeping with the original theme of this thread and to be all adult and everything; to tell you the truth I just enjoyed reading about your (and talking about my) parents :-).

 

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Dillon Levenque wrote:

This isn't so much a reply to your last post, Celestiall, as it is to the conversation in general, but I picked yours for a reason. I did not learn to cook from my Mom—but what I did learn from her was the idea that meals should be done right: well prepared, good ingredients, all that. Of course I didn't realize I'd learned that until long after the fact, but in fact I had.

*Makes notes:  It's ok to eat food Dillon fixes.*     

*It's ok to eat food that Maddy fixes, but only if it's actually takeout or grilled*

 


Dillon Levenque wrote:

Like you and like Maddy, I was one of those people lucky enough to have both parents there. All the time. We were granted something not granted to all or even most. We were incredibly lucky in that regard. I won't ever stop being thankful for that. My parents didn't both live long enough to get to a 58th but my sibs and I did manage to celebrate their 50th with them.

When I was a kid, there seemed to be an epidemic of divorce amongst the parents of my peers.   I remember other kids asking me questions like, "Are your parents still married?"   and  "Is that your actual father"?  (no on asked if my mother was my actual mother, as she and look enough alike that it's obvious).   I also recall all the steps, half's, and blended families, and unlike the TVs shows, I saw a lot of unhappiness among my peers due to these situations.  

Back then the thinking was that an unhappy marriage was worse for children than a divorce.  That having happy fulfilled parents who went their own way, was a positive for children.  But, after decades of large scale population studies on divorce, researchers said, "Oops, we got it wrong".   Children do better when the parents stay married, even if there's some discord in the marriage.  It turned out that children didn't really care if their parents pursued some personal fulfillment, what children needed was stability, and both parents being there. 

Where are those kids now?  Well all around us, as adults, and some never got over the emotional trauma they went through as kids.  The younger tail-end of the baby boomers.  Who then turned around and raised kids themselves, and often struggled with the basics of how to be good parents.  Others scared by the memories, don't even bother to get married, as they fear the outcome.

From this article:  "America’s divorce rate began climbing in the late 1960s and skyrocketed during the ’70s and early ’80s, as virtually every state adopted no-fault divorce laws. The rate peaked at 5.3 divorces per 1,000 people in 1981."

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/18600304/

But, people are learning slowly, and I think that there's now an increased awareness and knowledge, and society as a whole, is less likely to both jump into marriage, and jump out. So, we now have unmarried people having kids are higher rates than before, which still is not the optimal situation.  We might have to wait another 30 years to see the results on future generations. 

 


Dillon Levenque wrote:

I have never been able to really BE either D or s, although I have experimented in both roles, in RL and to a slightly greater extent in SL. Both roles require a commitment, and while I can commit to a relationship I can't or don't want to commit to taking the role of either the one who makes the rules or the one who promises to obey them. I only added this paragraph to be in keeping with the original theme of this thread and to be all adult and everything; to tell you the truth I just enjoyed reading about your (and talking about my) parents :-).

Yup.  We're all kinds of adult in this section of the forum.   *laughing* 

 

 

 

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Just because I was thinking more about it today. Neither of my parents grew up in a two-parent household. My father's parents split up when he was around six or eight. Separated (Catholics, so no divorce). He lived with his father who was about as far from a good parent as could be. Very tough childhood. My maternal grandmother died when my mother was almost a toddler. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins took care of her while her father was off earning a living; she didn't really become part of a nuclear family until her father remarried and put down roots, by then she was almost into her teens.

I don't know if either of them conciously decided to make sure any children they produced would not have to deal with the kinds of difficulties they'd had to deal with (although in my mother's case all the memories she told me about were fond and funny, I'm sure she would have rather looked across the dinner table at the same two people every day, as I did). I do know that's the way they wanted things to be, and they made that happen. Their kids have done the same, so the effect hasn't worn off yet.

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The oft times my mother spent at the stove she did not have in mind her two children being the beneficiaries of her culinary skills; or lack thereof. My mother cooked dope/smack/heroin; call it what you may.   And she always cooked for herself.  She was an intelligent woman with a nursing education who, at that time, learned the value of both living and dying through chemistry; she practiced on herself.  As for me and my brother, we learned to love lamb meatloaf.  When my mother passed my father swore to never eat another pea or carrot the rest of his life.   
I, like Dillon as she wrote, have no idea about the 'd' and 's' world, but I wanted to talk about my parent, as well. My mother made mistakes, but I learned. I am not a junkie, and I have never desired to be collared to show my love.

PS I am not only considered an excellent cook, I am considered to have chef like skills. 

 

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Dad was raised by his grandfather. He never talked about the rest of his family, so I know virtually nothing about that branch of the family tree. Mom was youngest of fourteen in a matriarchy. Grandma ran the farm, my grandfather wasn't dependable enough. Dad was 50 and Mom was nearly 43 when I was born, so I think they'd already worked most of the bugs in their already 19 year marriage. The result for me was a charmed childhood.

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:-). Yeah, after 19 years they would have found their groove (else they'd have bailed long before).

As I said, we and all who grew up with the same two people at the dinner table were lucky. Charmed is another word for it, I guess.

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